kenmore Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Let me start this in the beginning. When I was young(er), I dated girls I knew from school or through friends. I married my best friend's sister and it was awesome! Then she died. Then, when I was available, after a period of grieving, I tried online dating. It seemed easy and relatively safe, with photos that can completely be trusted (lol) as well as bio and age info with equal credibility. Nonetheless, I managed to have fun dating and found my second wife (who is now divorcing me) there. Flying in the face of all that success, and considering Yahoo dating now has merged with match and charges for any decent service (not that I'm cheap, but well...ok I'm cheap), I'd like to take a more direct approach. Besides, I have played it relatively safe for too long, it's time to try something new. The problem is I don't know any women who are available, and all my friends are dead or moved away. I can see myself approaching a woman I don't know and initiating a conversation though. At a supermarket, a beach, just walking down a sidewalk. I was talking with a girl friend recently, and asked her how she would react if a man did that to her and it wasn't necessarily so positive. Now I wouldn't expect a woman to just fall for me, but do you feel it's realistic to think that if a single woman found me attractive and had no boyfriend, she might be receptive to this? I mean just talking for awhile and maybe getting to know one another better? We would have to continue any conversation in some other form like text, email, phone or setting up a date (which is too much right off I think) and I know it's a long shot, but it's worth a try, right? It always seemed completely reasonable to me, but now I'm wondering if I would be seen as a predator by most women. How did strangers meet before yahoo and tinder? I imagine it must have gone something like that...or have times changed. Ken 2
jen1447 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 You're saying you want to cold approach women on the beach, etc.? Some people can get away w/that (like me lol) but for guys it's a low percentage move. It's best if you have some sort of 'in' to start, even if it's a just little one. Like you're entitled to talk to your barrista since she's serving you (tho they get that all the time - just an example). 3
Popsicle Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 No please don't become one of those guys who is scared to talk to women (or scared of his shadow). Just go for it. You do have a legitimate gripe about it being difficult when you are older because everyone is already taken. Do still talk to women in person (at the very least they will be flattered if taken) but be sure to ask them quickly if they are taken (many taken people won't tell you unless you ask because they are so taken in by your attention) and move on quickly when they are. Let it roll off you. Eventually you'll sniff out the single ones. And use OLD as a supplement, because everyone there is single (or supposed to be). 3
Author kenmore Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Hmm, a little from column a and a little from column B huh? I like both of your answers, but I like yours better Popsicle lol. I agree Jen, that going in cold is probably a long shot and it would be better to have an "in" but that limits my choices too radically IMO. I think, wild luck aside, that my choice is cold approaching (I like that term) or OLD. This is going to sound stupid but since I met my wife on Yahoo dating, I always had a soft spot in my heart for it; and now I don't want to use it for that very reason. Not only is it like starting over, it will bring back many memories of meeting her there and talking to her. Kind of like going to a restaurant we enjoyed together. I also know that just like the favorite restaurant, I should probably just go and get over it so I can eventually enjoy it again. These psychological connections kill me sometimes! Okay, < 1 month until divorced. I know I'll get shot down lots of times, so I think it's time to give it a serious whirl. Thanks!! Wish me luck! Ken 1
Erised Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Let me start this in the beginning. When I was young(er), I dated girls I knew from school or through friends. I married my best friend's sister and it was awesome! Then she died. Then, when I was available, after a period of grieving, I tried online dating. It seemed easy and relatively safe, with photos that can completely be trusted (lol) as well as bio and age info with equal credibility. Nonetheless, I managed to have fun dating and found my second wife (who is now divorcing me) there. Flying in the face of all that success, and considering Yahoo dating now has merged with match and charges for any decent service (not that I'm cheap, but well...ok I'm cheap), I'd like to take a more direct approach. Besides, I have played it relatively safe for too long, it's time to try something new. The problem is I don't know any women who are available, and all my friends are dead or moved away. I can see myself approaching a woman I don't know and initiating a conversation though. At a supermarket, a beach, just walking down a sidewalk. I was talking with a girl friend recently, and asked her how she would react if a man did that to her and it wasn't necessarily so positive. Now I wouldn't expect a woman to just fall for me, but do you feel it's realistic to think that if a single woman found me attractive and had no boyfriend, she might be receptive to this? I mean just talking for awhile and maybe getting to know one another better? We would have to continue any conversation in some other form like text, email, phone or setting up a date (which is too much right off I think) and I know it's a long shot, but it's worth a try, right? It always seemed completely reasonable to me, but now I'm wondering if I would be seen as a predator by most women. How did strangers meet before yahoo and tinder? I imagine it must have gone something like that...or have times changed. Ken If you meet through a shared activity it will go over better than randomly on the street or grocery store. 4
todreaminblue Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 i think a lot of women would be really cautious ken, just sayin......older women anyway...when i was younger a guy picked me up on a train sat next to me started talking invited me back to his place and i freaking went...cant believe i did that.....but i did.....ten foot tall and bullet proof i was not......but i felt like i was.....we only had coffee.......could have been more..but i started to get squirrely and i left......when i was younger there were quite a few times i had coffee with strangers....... i think you being who you are you shouldnt not ask......but...be ready for the knocks and dont give up or take it personally because you get a few because you will....there might be that woman you connect with on a deeper level...just dont approach fi she is holding a zuchinni or a banana and looking dreamy.........just a suggestion.....if you like food you have a common interest .....that you can expand on in a deli perhaps..........just dont go near a woman holding a phallic symbol......like a huge carrot or for sure be squirrely and wary of a woman holding up a skinned rabbit......;0).......deb 2
alphamale Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 have you ever met a couple who met at the grocery store? 2
NC-Thomas Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) Experience has taught me that daytime gaming is: high risk, high reward. Yes you can get blown off, but I feel that women are very receptive to a man that takes the risk of being genuinely interested and not hiding that. I've had very nice conversations and dates with women I picked up at the supermarket or while waiting in queue somewhere, doesn't matter. And should you get blown off, or get a cold fish, thats her loss... Consider yourself a social experimenter, not a PUA. I think when you show true personality and genuine interest mixed with a nip of funny and perhaps bit cocky humour, you get a long way. It takes some courage, and she might be taken, I've had that happen, but even those women told me they had fun talking to me. Try to get that mindset of not caring about the outcome, but just have small talk instead of walking up with the idea "I need to get her number or date her". Have no expectation, and if you get "rejected", who cares, next. Also much better than OLD, because you can build attraction and perhaps comfort right at the spot. Go for it, you only live once. FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD ! Edited June 10, 2015 by NC-Thomas 2
gaius Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Just go into it with the idea you're going to talk to them. Not try to pick them up. When I was single I'd usually chat with women when I was out and it always worked out fine. Plus sometimes the opportunity to take it further does present itself. I met my girlfriend like that actually. 3
SomeDude16 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Can't find it but a survey was conducted and it was concluded that women prefer to meet men as a result of happenstance rather than something forced such as a cold approach. 1
compulsivedancer Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 It might be easier to find an activity that caters to people, especially women, your age. An activity like dancing or painting. Is there a church or community center you could attend? Maybe a service club? 4
loveweary11 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Ken, you also have a secret weapon. Everything you are learning about closing deals at work will apply to finding a new partner in the crowd. Cold calling = cold approach. Always better to have an in to build that rapport. The initial stages are literally identical to the sales process. You'll find both improve together as you master them. 2
alphamale Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 It might be easier to find an activity that caters to people, especially women, your age. An activity like dancing or painting. Is there a church or community center you could attend? Maybe a service club? your advice is spot on compulsivedancer, like usual 2
Male Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) have you ever met a couple who met at the grocery store? And thats the reality of the situation. But women will never tell you that. Theres always two sides to this. The problem, is that when most women tell you to go for it, they are imagining an attractive guy approaching them, and everything working out perfectly. All they are really thinking about is how nice it would be for a guy to notice them, and give them attention. Thats why they tell you that you should do it. Then you have the realistic women, that are usually your friends, sister, or coworker...they tell you the truth, and admit that its actually annoying to them when guys approach them in public. Because 99.9999999999% of the time the guy is not someone they would date, or even want to talk to for that matter. Edited June 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Logical fallacy removed. 3
jay1983 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 The cold approach thing worked for me when I was a teen, but I haven't gotten it to work since. Sometimes they give out there number, but don't respond to more than 2 or 3 texts. 1
jay1983 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 And thats the reality of the situation. But women will never tell you that. Theres always two sides to this. The problem, is that when most women tell you to go for it, they are imagining an attractive guy approaching them, and everything working out perfectly. All they are really thinking about is how nice it would be for a guy to notice them, and give them attention. Thats why they tell you that you should do it. Then you have the realistic women, that are usually your friends, sister, or coworker...they tell you the truth, and admit that its actually annoying to them when guys approach them in public. Because 99.9999999999% of the time the guy is not someone they would date, or even want to talk to for that matter. Cold approaching for most guys only works if the guy is pretty above average in looks, and is at least 6ft or taller. IDK I've done it enough and I think even if they think you're cute, it doesn't matter unless you're just their dream guy in which 'll be obvious they're interested.
Author kenmore Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 You all make good points and they all make a lot of sense, which is odd since they contradict a fair amount. I understand that for the most part these are opinions so kind of expected that. Thus far, not having actually followed through with asking, just talking, I can't know how a woman would react, and like anything involving humans, that answer depends upon the recipient. As was said by Thomas though, there's not much to lose except my own emotional well being which does matter and I know it's not cast iron either, but in general it's at least hard plastic. loveweary, you make a great point in that I am seeing it a lot like sales, and feel (no offense to any ladies who find this cold or pompous) that meeting a woman in person, striking up a conversation and following through by trying to set up a future contact is act-for-act the same. Improving one will improve the other, the only real difference is what I'm selling which to a good salesman (which I'm obviously not yet) means nothing. Of course though, this outcome has a much higher importance to me personally. todreaminblue, I appreciate your mention of phallic things, I'll be sure to duck if the zucchini start swinging LOL. To be honest though, that would be the time I'd be most likely to approach them...when their minds may be occupied with um...thoughts. I doubt I'd join an activity nor a group just to find a woman. That actually smacks to me of deceit if that was the reason for joining such a group. Besides, it sounds so tiring! I'm already beat from working long days including weekends. Somehow I'd find the time and energy to spend time with a woman who I like and likes me. That will most likely be the limit of my extracurricular activities for now. Again, thanks all! You have all made me think. Just not enough...which is one of my failings. Ken 1
jay1983 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 And thats the reality of the situation. But women will never tell you that. Theres always two sides to this. The problem, is that when most women tell you to go for it, they are imagining an attractive guy approaching them, and everything working out perfectly. All they are really thinking about is how nice it would be for a guy to notice them, and give them attention. Thats why they tell you that you should do it. . This very ugly analogy might actually be true alot of the time on a subconscious level.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Well, if going on Yahoo Dating is going to bring back bittersweet memories of meeting your wife on there, then you can always use other OLD sites, like OKCupid, POF (which sucks, but has worked for some people), OurTime, eHarmony and some others. But yeah, I wouldn't like a guy cold approaching me out of nowhere if I'm shopping or running errands and trying to get things done, it would be somewhat creepy to me and I'd be on the alert; as a woman has to be to keep herself safe - especially in this day and age! However, if I met a guy on a gaming platform (like PS4 or Xbox), on an OLD site, through mutual friends or family or while I was at a Tiki Bar jamming to a reggae band, then that would be something I'd be down for. But that's just my (one woman's) opinion; there are other women who would probably be up for talking to you at the produce section of the supermarket or would engage in a convo with you while waiting in line at the post office. Whichever avenue you take to meet people, the main thing to remember is to be yourself, to be respectful and to be sincere with your conversation and with your intention (a sense of humor would be cool too). Whatever you do, please (please!) do NOT use any PUA lines or 'alpha'/macho type of bravado, okay? Although some women may fall for that chit, most of us think that kind of attitude and behavior is just really, very, truly LAME. I've recently taken a hiatus from the disappointing world of OLDing and dating IRL. This break has been peaceful and is refreshing my mind and spirit on a daily basis; not to mention that I've been hanging out at the beach, the boardwalk and enjoying jamming to tight bands and I've been meeting some cool and interesting people (mostly guys)! With the pressure of dating off of my shoulders, I find that I'm just having FUN with this process of just going with the flow of meeting and talking with people and having no agenda other than just to have a good time while making new acquaintances and having interesting convos with cool and friendly people. Good luck dipping your big toe back into the dating pool, OP! Let us know how things go! . 3
trippi1432 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 Kenmore - I'm in my 40's, divorced and I can tell you that I know a BS'r when he hits on me, on a beach, in a bar, in a restaurant, at a meetup of similar interests, at a stop light, on OLD, on the phone or just texting. Supposedly, men are just supposed to be laid back, test the waters, "hit a holler" (still trying to figure out what that means...sorry, guy at a stop light who wanted my number)....ugh!! My advice, be genuine, be authentic as life is too short to play games. You don't need a manual, be a certain height, weight, look, age to strike up a conversation. Self confidence comes from being genuine and authentic, as long as you have those two things going for you, you are being your true self. That's a lot more attractive than a man who recites from dating manuals what side of the sidewalk he should be walking to make himself look attractive as a gentleman (an ex of mine), or who complains that he never gets ahead in life because of his height (my son has this issue and I applaud men who are successful in spite of their own insecurities). And looks....well, come on!! I've had several instances where there was an instant mutual attraction...guess what they didn't have, balls and personality to carry out just a simple conversation. When the end "game" is trying to pick someone up for a "good time", that's not a conversation (I'm pretty sure the guy from OLD learned that real quick with me last night). 2
Popsicle Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 And thats the reality of the situation. But women will never tell you that. Theres always two sides to this. The problem, is that when most women tell you to go for it, they are imagining an attractive guy approaching them, and everything working out perfectly. All they are really thinking about is how nice it would be for a guy to notice them, and give them attention. Thats why they tell you that you should do it. No, I said it because authentic confidence is always an admirable trait. Let me say this a different way... A lack of confidence and/or being timid will never aide you in getting what you want in life.
Recommended Posts