Dem feels Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) Well I had my first real girlfriend for 5 months till late year at 24. I have by no means been unsuccessful with women but a relationship never really appealed to me until i meet this one. Right off the bat a week after she broke up with her previous long term boyfriend she persued me for a relationship and after 5 weeks i decided i wanted more eith her too. She was everything i wanted in a girl and more and stood out from any other girl id met ever... about 6 weeks she started suffering severe depression after a phone call to her ex, saying 'she dodnt want the past to affect our relationship' and 'she didnt trust herself not to hurt'. Upon questioning why she called her ex she said she used to talk to him about her depression which i brought into at the time but she also said "she did not want to have this power me and perhaps she shouldnt be in a relationship right now but she did want to be with me". In hindsight and with further experience and tesearch these are all signs of a rebound yes? What followed after that was another 6-7 weeks of a casual once a week relationship which i didnt really mind for a bit but eventually cracked and got angry after she refused to see me twice a week. I forced the issue and saiid if she didnt want this then we might as well break up. Evetually she agreed. After another couple of months i drop the l-bomb and a montb later she starts saying she cant give me i want and that shes lost and her therapists says she shouldnt be in telationship right now due to hrr mental state. A month later shes in a relationship with the 2nd option who we were laughing at before cause he came on way to strong and desperate after she broke up with her last bf. I felll into a large pit of depression and she blamed me for being controlling and that once a week was enough for her and yhat anger and aggression have no place in a relatio ship. She refuses to spend time with people who dont accept her for who she is. Theyve been happy for the last 6 months or so. I guess the question i keep asking myself is what if i had of kept it casual and respected her wishes? Maybe we could have been serious in time had i took it slow. I loved her very much and cant seemed to find another i like as much Edited June 9, 2015 by Dem feels
minime13 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Well I had my first real girlfriend for 5 months till late year at 24. I have by no means been unsuccessful with women but a relationship never really appealed to me until i meet this one. Right off the bat a week after she broke up with her previous long term boyfriend she persued me for a relationship and after 5 weeks i decided i wanted more eith her too. She was everything i wanted in a girl and more and stood out from any other girl id met ever... about 6 weeks she started suffering severe depression after a phone call to her ex, saying 'she dodnt want the past to affect our relationship' and 'she didnt trust herself not to hurt'. Upon questioning why she called her ex she said she used to talk to him about her depression which i brought into at the time but she also said "she did not want to have this power me and perhaps she shouldnt be in a relationship right now but she did want to be with me". In hindsight and with further experience and tesearch these are all signs of a rebound yes? Rebound? Yes. She immediately jumped into a relationship with you after a long term relationship. That's a rebound. What followed after that was another 6-7 weeks of a casual once a week relationship which i didnt really mind for a bit but eventually cracked and got angry after she refused to see me twice a week. I forced the issue and saiid if she didnt want this then we might as well break up. Evetually she agreed. This is probably where you should have ended it, because you were both on different pages. After another couple of months i drop the l-bomb and a montb later she starts saying she cant give me i want and that shes lost and her therapists says she shouldnt be in telationship right now due to hrr mental state. A month later shes in a relationship with the 2nd option who we were laughing at before cause he came on way to strong and desperate after she broke up with her last bf. I felll into a large pit of depression and she blamed me for being controlling and that once a week was enough for her and yhat anger and aggression have no place in a relatio ship. She refuses to spend time with people who dont accept her for who she is. Theyve been happy for the last 6 months or so. She shouldn't be dating, and her therapist told her that. So what does she do after breaking up with you? Jumps right back into a relationship. Serial dater. Then she turns on you and starts blaming you? Why is she even talking to you at this point? She's in another relationship and has no right to do that. And believe me, I bet they aren't happy. She's laughed at him before, and she's apparently continuing to talk to you (blaming you, etc.,) while they're together. That's not happy. I guess the question i keep asking myself is what if i had of kept it casual and respected her wishes? Maybe we could have been serious in time had i took it slow. I loved her very much and cant seemed to find another i like as much Had you done that, you wouldn't have been happy. Your needs wouldn't be fulfilled, and you'd eventually be the one ending things. Honestly, I'm not sure why you want her back. She's got some issues that she frankly doesn't seem to be dealing with, and nothing would be different between the two of you. You shouldn't accept one person in the relationship calling all the shots, because that's not a relationship. 3
Author Dem feels Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) First off, thank you for your response Rebound? Yes. She immediately jumped into a relationship with you after a long term relationship. That's a rebound. Yeah, shes never really been by herself ever. She Claims she broke up with others for being to controlling or they broke up with her for not enough time spent together. Did seem a bit unfair considering she liked me a lot more than they guy she with now. Sometimes being first your last mentality his is probably where you should have ended it, because you were both on different pages. Your probably right, but my anger was more causr my supervisor at work said i was a rebound due to commitment resistance. Her reply to my anger was 'id just get sick of her'. You dont think it would of changed in time when she was over her ex and ready gor something more serious? she shouldn't be dating, and her therapist told her that. So what does she do after breaking up with you? Jumps right back into a relationship. Serial dater. Then she turns on you and starts blaming you? Why is she even talking to you at this point? She's in another relationship and has no right to do that. And believe me, I bet they aren't happy. She's laughed at him before, and she's apparently continuing to talk to you (blaming you, etc.,) while they're together. That's not happy. Well we havent talked in 5.5 months i sent her a long apology message and tried to self diagnose her issues. Stupid i know but i was suffering mental health issues over it. blocked her on facebook, but according to a friend that were spending a lot more time together than once a week. had you done that, you wouldn't have been happy. Your needs wouldn't be fulfilled, and you'd eventually be the one ending things. Honestly, I'm not sure why you want her back. She's got some issues that she frankly doesn't seem to be dealing with, and nothing would be different between the two of you. You shouldn't accept one person in the relationship calling all the shots, because that's not a relationship. Well she had a lot of good qualities, she was hot and for some reason the girls i go on dates with noe i just dont feel it like i did with her. Maybe i havent fully moved on which after 8 months is kinda insane but i guess i wouldve rather been with her once a week than not at all kind of thing. Perhaps i spent to much time idolising her than seeing her for what she was. She was my entire world at one point Edited June 9, 2015 by Dem feels
minime13 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Perhaps i spent to much time idolising her than seeing her for what she was. She was my entire world at one point Yes. Because this was your first serious relationship. Just stay out of contact with her, and keep going on with your own life. It will get better. The next girl will probably make you realize how much you really were not compatible.
Author Dem feels Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Yes. Because this was your first serious relationship. Just stay out of contact with her, and keep going on with your own life. It will get better. The next girl will probably make you realize how much you really were not compatible. I hope your right in seeing other ones but not really going to commit to anything until one blows me away. Had i been more experienced i guess i woukd not have got with a girl fresh out a ling term breakup
Author Dem feels Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 Bump Minmes post helped a lot. Was wondering if anyon jad experience being the rebound person? and whether people change if you got at their pace
Author Dem feels Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 Sorry...but: "I-Bomb"?? Lol sorry, i told her i loved her. She said she was thinking she loved me just the other day i coukd sense the confusion in her though. Just my own little term for it.
Author Dem feels Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 Any other comments would be vastly appreciated, this has kinda stopped me for getting into relationships with other girls. Should probably just stop thinking about but its hard to think that the first girl i feel in love with was just using me to get over her ex
blue_jay_bird Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 I'm sorry, she's used you. But don't think she planed it all, it's not like shes a evil mastermind. Those thoughts will make it hard for you to sleep at night. I remember rebounding. People can be extremely selfish when the are in pain. Try to imagine this girl has a bleeding and losing blood. She never learned how to take care of it herself. Depression and loss are hard to cope with. Even for people with the greatest mental strengths; its hard. She probably doesn't know what she's doing. I hurt a few guys out of a relationship. Looking back, I saw I was using ppl, but at that moment all I was thinking about was stopping my pain. aka using someone without thinking about it. Things arn't always what they seem. Your looking at her through "love" glasses. I say run fast away from this one. Be more careful with giving your heart away.
aloneinaz Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 She sounds like a tree swinger. Meaning, she jumps from one relationship to another so she doesn't have to feel the pain of being alone or deal with their pre-existing issues. My last ex was exactly like this. She got divorced after her husband left her for the person he was cheating on. She couldn't handle that he was happy with someone else and she didn't want to be alone. She then immediately started down the path of going from one person to the next. She also has her own demons and issues that she was hiding from. After she ended us, she was on the dating sites 6 days later. She met another guy a few months after me (rebound) that was a disaster. She ended it after a couple of months. Guess what she did? She reappeared and begged me to come back to her.. She was told no. She's a walking example of a tree swinger. Being a person's rebound is as big a risk as being dumped when dating. Most if not all people who are single are getting over their last relationship. Some are more down the road in being over their last partner than others. Can you prevent being someone's rebound? Not necessarily. You can ask many good questions when you meet someone new the first time. If they are honest and say the are freshly out of a relationship of any length, that can be a red flag and a warning sign of impending doom. Not every situation with dating a new person freshly out of a relationship ends as a rebound. You just have to use your best judgment. 1
Author Dem feels Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 I'm sorry, she's used you. But don't think she planed it all, it's not like shes a evil mastermind. Those thoughts will make it hard for you to sleep at night. I remember rebounding. People can be extremely selfish when the are in pain. Try to imagine this girl has a bleeding and losing blood. She never learned how to take care of it herself. Depression and loss are hard to cope with. Even for people with the greatest mental strengths; its hard. Well thats the reason why i struggled for so long, I knew she was a really good person. She legit liked me a hell of a lot more than the guy shes with now, she simply over-estimated her capacity for a relationship. I remember when things changed 5 weeks after becoming official sge gecame withdrawn, insecure and had massive trust issues as well as depression. Sometimes when your first your last i guess She probably doesn't know what she's doing. I hurt a few guys out of a relationship. Looking back, I saw I was using ppl, but at that moment all I was thinking about was stopping my pain. aka using someone without thinking about it. We had a 1 month because she was confused at the end and she started coming round casually to see me thats when i started to feel used. She knew whats she was doing just couldnt be by herself. D9 you think with any of your rebounds could of it become a legit relationship had they remained unattached and kept it casual until you were healed again? Things arn't always what they seem. Your looking at her through "love" glasses. I say run fast away from this one. Be more careful with giving your heart away. Yeah i know it was pretty ****ed up to blame all on me, thats how i got mentally health issues for which caused me to lose my job. I wasnt a perfect boyfriend i chose to many of the resturants, we spent more time at my place because she lived with her dad so that wasnt even and i got angry and slightly intimidating over something i should have but i was always there for her and took on expensive just to cheer her and spend a little more time together. Wont have to run far we aint evrr tqlking again
Author Dem feels Posted June 12, 2015 Author Posted June 12, 2015 She sounds like a tree swinger. Meaning, she jumps from one relationship to another so she doesn't have to feel the pain of being alone or deal with their pre-existing issues. My last ex was exactly like this. She got divorced after her husband left her for the person he was cheating on. She couldn't handle that he was happy with someone else and she didn't want to be alone. She then immediately started down the path of going from one person to the next. She also has her own demons and issues that she was hiding from. After she ended us, she was on the dating sites 6 days later. She met another guy a few months after me (rebound) that was a disaster. She ended it after a couple of months. Guess what she did? She reappeared and begged me to come back to her.. She was told no. She's a walking example of a tree swinger. Being a person's rebound is as big a risk as being dumped when dating. Most if not all people who are single are getting over their last relationship. Some are more down the road in being over their last partner than others. Can you prevent being someone's rebound? Not necessarily. You can ask many good questions when you meet someone new the first time. If they are honest and say the are freshly out of a relationship of any length, that can be a red flag and a warning sign of impending doom. Not every situation with dating a new person freshly out of a relationship ends as a rebound. You just have to use your best judgment. So she rebounded after her ex husband and you? Do you think its a matter of timing or can someone be good enough to make someone forget their ex?
Author Dem feels Posted June 19, 2015 Author Posted June 19, 2015 Bump have loved some of the feedback on here. I still have me bad.days where i think about her and what shes doing now but its easy not knowing plus social wouldnt really show whats really going on anyway
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2015 Posted June 19, 2015 When people split up, the reactions of individuals differ. The dumper is the one usually in control. Sometimes they are just so over the other person by the time the split happens that they can move cleanly on, they do not regret their decision to split - they hardly give it a second thought. They start dating other people, sometimes pretty quickly too and their old relationship doesn't complicate things. Their new partner is not a rebound as the dumper(usually) had already emotionally disconnected from their ex, before they started a new relationship Other dumpers and dumpees can be heartbroken when the split occurs, they spend a long time processing the split and getting over it. If they do decide to date, the ex is still in their minds. The old relationship complicates the new relationship, they compare the new partner to the ex. They really want the old partner back, but they "make do" with the new partner. That new partner can be sucked in as it all seems so cosy and warm and "right", but the fact is, they just occupied the place that was vacated when the ex departed, they were the "love" replacement. Eventually the person realises that the new partner is not a substitute for their ex, the new partner is a person in their own right and is not their ex, and so they get unhappy and often then break things up. The new partner was only a rebound, they weren't really ready to date seriously - they had not emotionally disconnected from their ex, before embarking on a new relationship.
Author Dem feels Posted June 21, 2015 Author Posted June 21, 2015 (edited) When people split up, the reactions of individuals differ. The dumper is the one usually in control. Sometimes they are just so over the other person by the time the split happens that they can move cleanly on, they do not regret their decision to split - they hardly give it a second thought. They start dating other people, sometimes pretty quickly too and their old relationship doesn't complicate things. Their new partner is not a rebound as the dumper(usually) had already emotionally disconnected from their ex, before they started a new relationship Other dumpers and dumpees can be heartbroken when the split occurs, they spend a long time processing the split and getting over it. If they do decide to date, the ex is still in their minds. The old relationship complicates the new relationship, they compare the new partner to the ex. They really want the old partner back, but they "make do" with the new partner. That new partner can be sucked in as it all seems so cosy and warm and "right", but the fact is, they just occupied the place that was vacated when the ex departed, they were the "love" replacement. Eventually the person realises that the new partner is not a substitute for their ex, the new partner is a person in their own right and is not their ex, and so they get unhappy and often then break things up. The new partner was only a rebound, they weren't really ready to date seriously - they had not emotionally disconnected from their ex, before embarking on a new relationship. Yeah i saw all the signs, i didnt know what a rebound relationship was at the time but i could sense there was something wrong like there was always 3 people in the room or i wasbin some way competing with the ex. In hindsight there were red flags all over the place. i dont even think i miss her per say just wish things had gone differently. The confusion at the end for both of us was horrifying. i try and blame it all on timing and not think that i stuufed it all up or that i was not good enough but all i know is originally she liked me a lot more than the guy shes with now. Edited June 21, 2015 by Dem feels
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 You've bumped this thread several times. That to me just indicates wallowing and actually NOT wanting to move on, because you've been ripping the plaster off the wound just to see the stitches... Face this head on - It's not 'you', it's 'her'. She's the one with the major problems. Quit beating yourself up and asking yourself pointless questions. The question is not to do with her actions then, the question is what you do now. So, I suggest what you do now, is quit this thread, forget the clusterf**k she was, and forge a new and better life for yourself. Cut all and any connection to her, and focus on yourself.
Satu Posted June 21, 2015 Posted June 21, 2015 She was my entire world at one point Life shouldn't ever be about just one person.
Author Dem feels Posted June 22, 2015 Author Posted June 22, 2015 You've bumped this thread several times. That to me just indicates wallowing and actually NOT wanting to move on, because you've been ripping the plaster off the wound just to see the stitches... Face this head on - It's not 'you', it's 'her'. She's the one with the major problems. Quit beating yourself up and asking yourself pointless questions. The question is not to do with her actions then, the question is what you do now. So, I suggest what you do now, is quit this thread, forget the clusterf**k she was, and forge a new and better life for yourself. Cut all and any connection to her, and focus on yourself. Look your spot on, i guess i just wanted some sort of indication that there was no hope we would of had a long term relationship had i not tried to force more commitment, maybe when she was ready? Shes had problems before yes but this could of been a temporary thing after her last ex. its funny you should that about focus on myself, since late september since the bu happened, ive brought a new car, see a psycologist, quit my job and started one close to home. Ive also gone back to uni part time. All this stuff would not have happened if the relationship had not have happened Life shouldn't ever be about just one person. Well i was working a lot, had my gym and a large social life. But yeah i didnt have any goals hence why i think i invested my self so much in that relationship
Author Dem feels Posted June 26, 2015 Author Posted June 26, 2015 I know i should just try and forget it, I still cant seem to stop thinking about this, its almost unfair how because she liked me the most originally by far i got stuck with all the emotion baggage from the previous relationship and essentially we never had a chance. Anyone else been the rebound guy? I hate that the first girl i fell in love with was just using me to get over her ex
casey.lives Posted June 26, 2015 Posted June 26, 2015 this person had too many secrets and too many involved parties and had no real desire for you. sorry. FORGET ABOUT IT.
Author Dem feels Posted June 27, 2015 Author Posted June 27, 2015 this person had too many secrets and too many involved parties and had no real desire for you. sorry. FORGET ABOUT IT. Well she did at the start, more so by far than who shes with now. But your right before i blocked her on facebook after our text message fight for two months she was putting up regular happy pics with the 2nd option. As long as she happy i guess, she never quite was with me after the first 6 weeks
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