Boyfriend doesn't find me attractive but doesn't want me to leave

[BlueIris]

No, there’s no point. There is no point in talking to him about this, or his porn, or his attraction, or any of it. He probably can’t even handle the reality of what he does. He might get very mean when confronted with reality.

 

I’m so sorry, Sonyo. It does really really suck. Many of us have been where you are, discovering what’s actually been happening while we were gaslighted. I remember feeling very confused and off-kilter because now I knew who he really was. He looked very broken and unpredictable after that.

 

There is nothing wrong with you so don’t beat yourself up. You trusted someone who didn’t deserve it. Gaslighting is a gradual process intended to deceive and deny. He is not going to change and become a straightforward trustworthy guy.

 

Give yourself some time to adjust to this knowledge and strategize your exit. Strengthen your connections to friends, family and colleagues, people who make you feel strong and are direct and respectful toward you. Spend more time with them than with him. Figure out how to get out with the least pain and loss.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm so angry right now that I'm in tears. ARGH!!!

 

I looked up Gaslighting. He's done this in the past, and blamed me for things that weren't my fault. It tore me down immensely. I developed an extremely low self-esteem and became suicidal. But after it came to light what he was doing ,and he admitted he did it to hide things (namely his porn), I became really aggressive for a while. I've calmed down though, have a lot of confidence again.

I thought I was smarter and more wary, until I read "Are you being Gaslighted?" at psychologytoday.com. Every warning sign listed fell true for me ._.

 

Now we're both the same type of person when it comes to comfort zones. Neither of us ask for much as far as material possessions, we both like the idea of having friends but are fine with just each other, it's really easy for us to be comfortable in a daily routine and procrastinate horribly when it comes to changing something unless we just MUST have it. We both settle a lot.

So I guess he just settled on me, is comfortable, and thus gaslights me to keep up the current life?

A few of you already pretty much stated that this is what's happening, but dammit... it sunk in. And it really, really, REALLY sucks.

 

I want to talk with him over this again, but is there any point if he's just gonna lie through his teeth?

 

Among everything else, this is really unhealthy. It reads that neither of you really has a life beyond the relationship. Do you have personal hobbies and interests? Do you have your own friends and such?

 

To me, it sounds like you've both become co-dependent and complacent. The relationship doesn't seem healthy at this point at all. Gas-lighting is a terrible thing to do to someone and it keeps them in their place, so to speak. You need to take a gigantic step back and ask what you're really getting from this. It might just be time to move on.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I want to talk with him over this again, but is there any point if he's just gonna lie through his teeth?

 

Men only tell you the truth when it's something you want to hear...that's the general rule.

 

Anything that would be hurtful or emotionally damaging, men will retract their comments or sugar-coat them...women cannot handle the transparent real truth, men are judged and slammed for this...it's a lesson you learn quickly and young growing up as a guy, women condition responses by rewarding the things they like and wreaking drama and conflict out of the things they do not like.

 

I could get more truth out of a man in 30 minutes than you could in years in a relationship, in fact the longer you are with a man the much less likely he is to be honest and truthful with you, unless he's at wits end and doesn't care...or he knows you will tolerate it.

 

Women create very narrow highways of communication, by asking questions with an obvious intent, where being honest would be relationship suicide...and the more sensitive, emotional and hysterical you are as a woman, the less truth you will get.

 

Men can communicate with each other and be honest because there's no backlash for being a man, sharing certain views and perceptions will immediately be understood rather than the critiqued or taken personally...something women tend to do with any perceived "negative" comment they are, they only desire praise and acceptance the majority of the time.

 

Therefore you need it get it through your skull that you're never going to have all the details and "truths" laid out for you on a red carpet, that ship has sailed a long time ago when you reprimanded him for his behavior and served him a plate of consequences, and this is why men do not reveal their true feelings to women...there is everything to lose and nothing to gain by doing so, unless again it is what she wants to hear or is positive.

 

You would need a mediator in between to get him to reveal more personal details, someone who is less judgmental and will take either sides...I could trick him into giving details by asking him indirect questions but you would take that information and run with it, getting all upset, emotional and causing a storm over.

 

Just be a typical woman, and rationalize it into some strange formula that only can understand and accept whatever it is that allows you to continue on with life without having to think about the details that displease you and that are within this relationship...or make a decision for yourself that this isn't the right relationship for you, and you're not going to be able to change anything, so you're better off moving on...women that can do that are rare however, and I doubt you're capable of getting there without throwing an even bigger chunk of your life away, but like most women...once you reach that line of course..you're done, unfortunately that takes a whole lot of turns on the merry-go-round before she decides to get off of it.

[toscaroscura]

Men only tell you the truth when it's something you want to hear...that's the general rule.

 

Anything that would be hurtful or emotionally damaging, men will retract their comments or sugar-coat them...women cannot handle the transparent real truth, men are judged and slammed for this...it's a lesson you learn quickly and young growing up as a guy, women condition responses by rewarding the things they like and wreaking drama and conflict out of the things they do not like.

 

I could get more truth out of a man in 30 minutes than you could in years in a relationship, in fact the longer you are with a man the much less likely he is to be honest and truthful with you, unless he's at wits end and doesn't care...or he knows you will tolerate it.

 

Women create very narrow highways of communication, by asking questions with an obvious intent, where being honest would be relationship suicide...and the more sensitive, emotional and hysterical you are as a woman, the less truth you will get.

 

Men can communicate with each other and be honest because there's no backlash for being a man, sharing certain views and perceptions will immediately be understood rather than the critiqued or taken personally...something women tend to do with any perceived "negative" comment they are, they only desire praise and acceptance the majority of the time.

 

Therefore you need it get it through your skull that you're never going to have all the details and "truths" laid out for you on a red carpet, that ship has sailed a long time ago when you reprimanded him for his behavior and served him a plate of consequences, and this is why men do not reveal their true feelings to women...there is everything to lose and nothing to gain by doing so, unless again it is what she wants to hear or is positive.

 

You would need a mediator in between to get him to reveal more personal details, someone who is less judgmental and will take either sides...I could trick him into giving details by asking him indirect questions but you would take that information and run with it, getting all upset, emotional and causing a storm over.

 

Just be a typical woman, and rationalize it into some strange formula that only can understand and accept whatever it is that allows you to continue on with life without having to think about the details that displease you and that are within this relationship...or make a decision for yourself that this isn't the right relationship for you, and you're not going to be able to change anything, so you're better off moving on...women that can do that are rare however, and I doubt you're capable of getting there without throwing an even bigger chunk of your life away, but like most women...once you reach that line of course..you're done, unfortunately that takes a whole lot of turns on the merry-go-round before she decides to get off of it.

 

This is all terrible input, designed to keep OP in an unhealthy situation by making her feel weak and stupid. You could not have been any more backhanded. It has nothing to do with some great male "truth" and everything to do with the FACT that OP deserves a man who will love her, want to have sex with her, and not pull this gas lighting BS.

 

Completely unbelievable.

[empresario]

He has a lot of personal issues. I hate to be the one to tell you this...but I can see it in the stars. Eventually your relationship will end. It's a matter of time.

 

From the sounds of things you have been dating him since 'childhood'. You both probably have little experience with other people. The 20s are a defining point in your lives. I was dating a girl when I was 24 that I thought I would be with forever. By 26 we were different people. I had changed, she hadn't. I broke up with her because I knew that even though I could spend my life with her happily and she could be my best friend for the rest of our lives...I would never be proud of calling her my girlfriend/wife/etc.

 

This is the same thing that's happening here. But, since he feels the social pressure and/or stigma from the breakup, he's willing to tough it out. Because you are his best friend. And you are the person he loves the most in the world. You're just not meant to be his wife. He hasn't come to terms with that, yet.

[ascendotum]

I can respect his personal space, and I can see that I'm a horndog sometimes, but it still doesn't really feel right to have to ask, "may I smack your bum?" ... And I feel like a crazy person for having been told I remembered our entire talk the other night incorrectly. But he said he's actually still attracted to me and knows that if we lose the attraction, it's a dead relationship, and that he'll work on not letting porn get in the way of our sex life. So we're still together, and I'm happy we're still together, but something still feels off.

 

Nah that's no good. asking for permission can you touch or vice versa...for me would be a turn off. Spontaneity is what you both should have when it comes to physical affection /sexual appreciation. The whole change in his recollection of that prior talk is BS. He knows its been dwelling on your mind and maybe regrets some of the things he said off the top of his head or when he was tired.

 

He loves but is not in lust with you as he said, though I bet a lot of guys in 10 yr relationships could admit to the same. I bet a lot of those relationships the woman has changed a fair bit. You said you have small boobs (so Im assuming smaller frame) but have put on 32kg and don't wear short dresses anymore. That's going to have an effect for quite a few guy's lust for their lady. The fact that he has also piled on the weight may be taking a hit with his libido too. Then throw in his porn use too (some guys with high libido can handle it and a relationship but others cant).

 

Personally I don't think the fact that he looks at other type of women necessarily means that he is rejecting you, though I get that its hard not too see it that way. Often guys can yearn for the opposite of what they have after a while, but just from visual appeal. You are with a woman with small boobs you then after a while notice/miss big boob women. You with an Asian woman then after a while you find you seem to appreciate red heads tor ebony women more than you used to. Not all guys will be like this of course.

 

Its good you are trying to lose the weight. I think you should work out/diet together for both your benefits. It would not be good for the relationship if only one of you got trim again, but then I don't know if its simply a case that this relationship has run its course and you both are too comfy to want to change or leave. I think he is likely still attracted to you but not lusting for you, though some of that attraction he says he has could be simply based on the love he has for you as a person & your devotion to him rather than your sex appeal (which fits hi prior convo).

 

"that he'll work on not letting porn get in the way of our sex life". - I really cant see him keeping this up like in the past, as its likely become an addiction. He is going to have to do more than pay lip service otherwise he will soon return to his old ways. Like wipe out his collection and let you have access to his phone/PC/download history or do a no fap challenge and keep you informed. (I don't believe in doing this normally for a relationship but for where it is likely a big negative then it calls for drastic measure to help save it) If things don't change, whatever you do don't get married to this man, otherwise you'll have a crappy love life. You got used to 2x/mth but it can be so much better.