Sonyo Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I read a couple posts like this, but the answers didn't quite feel like they fit my situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 years. Both in our late 20's now. We have been and still are fantastic friends; same likes, dislikes, hobbies, opinions. We dislike going anywhere without the other, we're cuddle fiends, and still hold hands wherever we go. We're so connected at the hip that it's gag worthy. There's been an issue that keeps popping up every year or two though. About 2 years into the relationship, I found his porn collection on his computer. This came as a shock since he had always told me that he doesn't look at porn. But then there was the sheer size of it. I have no idea if this is normal with guys, but he had saved hundreds upon hundreds of pictures. A lot of them really... questionable. It hit me hard in several ways. He lied to me. Why so many?! Why this kind of picture...? And, just a shot to my ego, the "females" in all the images looked the complete opposite of me. Still in our teens at the time, the situation wasn't handled well at all. Things were said that stuck with me since, "You may be beautiful, but you're not the only pretty girl out there!" He still regrets saying that. But we somehow got through it. I stayed with him, and he promised to stop. He never stopped. Several instances followed of me confronting him, him lying to my face, me showing evidence, and him apologizing. Then followed by the same promise. Years ago I had started trying to be more open about the issue. Maybe I'm too closed minded, every guy does this, right? I tried getting into watching pornos, but I just can't get into the stuff he looks at ... He told me to stop trying and that he was ashamed of his habit and wants to stop. About 6 years later, I'd gotten pretty desensitized to porn as a whole and didn't care that he looked at it, and I told him that many times. I just hate that he continued to hide it so intensely and would keep lying to me. I eventually stopped bringing it up all together, and he continued hide it and pretended to be a saintly man that didn't look at porn. Back to present time. I've always had a pretty active libido. I'd make come-ons to him almost every day. It was never uncommon for him to turn me down with "I don't feel like it, I'm playing a game, I have a headache." I just figured my libido was bigger. We'd do the deed about twice a month, average for our age. But for a while now, I can't remember since when, he doesn't really like it when I touch him... It's been a couple months since we've done it now, and the other day I happened upon evidence of him masturbating. I confronted him about it. I wasn't mad, sad, or disappointed in him. I just asked, "Are you still attracted to me?" He admitted that he's never stopped looking at porn, and that he'll wait til I'm at work to masturbate. He told me that he still loves me, wants to marry me, and have kids with me, but he just doesn't want to have sex with me. He told me he's not attracted to me, but doesn't want me to leave him. I'm still attracted to him, and love him more than anything. I don't want to break up either, but I'm incredibly hurt. ._. It's heartbreaking knowing that he doesn't want to touch or be touched by me. After that, he'll still hug and kiss me when he leaves for work, but it feels fake and forced... I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. Is this a losing battle? It doesn't help that we recently bought our first house together. Even if we had to split up, we'd be forced to be awkward roommates.
toscaroscura Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 NO to all of this. How horrible! I'm sorry you're having to go through this. However, the porn-hiding and lying is a separate issue from him being nearly repulsed sexually by you. That, IMO, is the ultimate deal breaker. No matter how amazingly you get along, no matter how close and joined at the hip, nothing can make up for the fact that he isn't attracted to you. To me, this is not recoverable. If you stay, it's going to shred your self-esteem to bits. And I have to question his claim that he "loves you", yet can still say those incredibly hurtful things to you. If he really loved you, he'd let you go to find a man who was absolutely crazy about you. I think what he feels isn't love. It's comfort, inertia and selfishness. My mom nearly married a man she dearly loved, but he barely touched her sexually. Theories flew that he was secretly gay, or that he was only into large women with big breasts, while my mom is petite with A cups. Nobody knew. No matter what the reason, she tried to tough it out and was absolutely miserable. He was her best friend in the world, and she had to leave. Now, almost 20 years later, they are still very good friends and she is now married to a man who adores her in ALL ways. He is still single! 2
NC-Thomas Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) You should not fight this battle in the first place. You need to realize that the "issue" here stems from the fact that you get insecure about him watching porn, as you start to doubt your own sexual side as a women, you are insecure about his genuine interest as you as a sexual partner. As a man, I have many male friends that still watch porn even while they have a girlfriend. For example, when she is not at home and he feels like woogling his willie. The difference is, a good boyfriend is able to love his girlfriend even with having porn at his PC. You do not have the right to battle / force him to stop watching pornography UNLESS you find that it is truly affecting your sex life, not your insecurity about the matter. Your insecurity is fueled by you, that makes it your problem, not his. Infact, every man watches pornography, I even know married men that do. Anyone here telling that is a problem is rather the one "making a problem of it". Fact of the matter is, the man watching porn is not the true problem, rather a deeper problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed.... Also I find it weird that you even consider this porn collection as a substitute for you. Since when is watching pornography a form of emotional cheating? However I see you feel your sex life is drastically affected by this, so If he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore, you should dump him and move on. Perhaps is already checking out emotionally (stating that he is not attracted to you was very hurtful to say in the least) . He should desire you as his girlfriend. When my GF got home, I couldn't wait to get it on... PS: Just a guess, is he watching unusual form of pornography? Perhaps the is into stuff you two haven't done before, but doesn't want to bring it up? Find out what he likes and see if you can mutually spice up your sex life, that is: if you still want to give this a last try. Edited June 9, 2015 by NC-Thomas
minime13 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 If you continue down this path, this will be a very unhappy life for you. If he's not attracted to you, then how will you ever enjoy sex with him again? I agree that porn shouldn't be seen as a deal-breaker, but the constant lying (and your accepting his lies) should be. Should have been long ago. Trust is one of the basic foundations of a relationship, and that's been shattered with constant lies. No offense - but having sex 2 times a month in a committed relationship, when you are both in your 20's, is nowhere near average. I'm not sure where you get that figure from. It's obviously not enough for you, either, so you really need to find someone more compatible with you. There are some deep rooted issues in a person that still wants to marry you and have a family with you, but is no longer attracted to you. Those are things he needs to figure out, but in the meantime he needs to let you go. Either way, this isn't the right relationship for you. 1
Author Sonyo Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Sadness. I really hate to think that this relationship isn't salvagable... a decade down the drain. I admit, I used to be way overly sensitive towards him even looking at porn. And it did destroy my self-esteem back then when I'd ask "what are your standards, what kind of girl do you like" (I was very much a teenager), and he'd say "I don't have any standards, I guess I like pretty girls." Yet most of his porn consisted of big breasted white and asian women, which struck a nerve cause I'm small breasted and black :/ so it just felt like another lie. I had always been open to kinkier stuff even before knowing about the porno thing, (the questionable stuff he was looking at was like, tentacle hentai and pokemon furries and stuff. I wouldn't even know where to start with that lol...) he just never wanted to try em. I'd long gotten over porn. I even offered to watch it together, but I think the subject it too awkward for him, so he just continues to hide it like a dirty secret. The more I type the worse this seems.
BlueIris Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Doesn’t want to have sex with you, turns you down, kisses feel forced and fake, his sex life centers around porn? It sounds like it would be an unsatisfactory marriage. Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to build a life with him. It also doesn’t mean that you’ll never love anyone again. You will. You should not fight this battle in the first place. You need to realize that the "issue" here stems from the fact that you get insecure about him watching porn, as you start to doubt your own sexual side as a women, you are insecure about his genuine interest as you as a sexual partner. … It’s not a fact. Not all people who don’t like porn, don’t like their partner using porn, or have a different view of sex and porn are insecure. That’s just part of the new porn-PC line, to put down anyone who thinks negatively about porn. 4
toscaroscura Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Doesn’t want to have sex with you, turns you down, kisses feel forced and fake, his sex life centers around porn? It sounds like it would be an unsatisfactory marriage. Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to build a life with him. It also doesn’t mean that you’ll never love anyone again. You will. It’s not a fact. Not all people who don’t like porn, don’t like their partner using porn, or have a different view of sex and porn are insecure. That’s just part of the new porn-PC line, to put down anyone who thinks negatively about porn. The porn is a red herring. Plenty of men out there watch porn, yet still have active and vibrant sex lives with their real, flesh-and-blood women and there's never any question that they love her and are attracted to her. THAT is the issue. I'm sure if her BF adored her and made her feel wanted and sexy, the porn would just be a distant and dusty teenage insecurity. 2
Phoe Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I've been with men who weren't attracted to me, and from experience it does not get better. I too have a high libido, and no amount of effort could change it and nothing I tried could prevent the rejections. I quite simply was not what they wanted. The awful part was that once what they DID want became an option for them, they cheated. The only saving grace was that I'd never even made it a year in with those men... it didn't get dragged out. But 10 years is a very long time to be feeling this way... I am sorry. 4
Tayla Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 It sounds like it IS a genuine concern. Been there, and its a challenge that in retrospect you won't want to compromise on. Nor should you. objectifying a person for self pleasure ... not necessarily an asset. Are you at the bargaining stage? Or have you moved pass that and realized only he can fix his choice behavior?
O'Malley Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 It sounds like you are in the process of disengaging emotionally from this guy and the situation. That's for the best, because staying in this type of affection-starved comfort relationship can be devastating for your self esteem. Getting married or having children with this man will only crystallize the issues you already have. It's not 10 years down the drain; it's a relationship that has come to a painful but irreversible crossroads, and it seems that you've learned more about yourself and what you need in the process. Go to a lawyer and see what can be done about the mortgage, get your finances in order. I'd strongly advise moving out, even if it means taking a financial hit. In the meantime, give yourself as much space as you can. Socialize with your family, friends, have fun, reaffirm that you are an wonderful person that deserves both desire and companionship. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) You sound like you're better friends than lovers. To me it sounds like he never really had that strong sexual desire for you, and I think the porn is just a side affect of him desiring other women as well as just being a guy who looks at porn. All guys look at porn whether it's a tiny bit or a lot, inadvertently or on a mission...so it's kind of comical to me when a woman says her man doesn't look at porn or at least other women...because he's either done it at some point or still does it without her knowledge but it's in no way a priority and determining factor...the reason porn gets the target on it's back is because there are other relevant issues at play within that relationship which often get scapegoated to the superficially layer of "problems" or created problems because those are the easiest things to see and identity...but what is really going on is buried underneath within the person...within that relationship. Women think in the mind that they want to target a problem, isolate it and then squash it...miraculously somehow saving the relationship and resolving the "issue" that she created in her mind. At best you're asking a man to bury it underground, because it doesn't work that way with men...your panic, your desire to cut off problems and "fix" them, like they're some kind of cancer is not the actual case...your problem is within the man himself, as a woman your perception is far too weak and emotional to ever really uncover, nor accept that actual truth. In short, you're not going to "fix" this or find a reasonable answer to your liking....one that you would like to hear and that would be easier to accept. Men are simply conditioned by women to only say certain things...all mistakes or misplaced words are usually reamed down a mans throat and never forgotten by the elephant memory of a woman whom never forgets, but maybe forgives or puts to the side in order to salvage the relationship. You're not ever going to get the transparency from men as a woman, women essentially punish men when they are honest because they find it offensive...you basically can't handle the truth. Him telling you something as blatant as "I don't find you sexually attractive..never was in it for the sex, not in it now for the sexual attraction" is relationship suicide, he learned that from the past...all guys do, that's how they know what to say in the future, with his next future GF he will probably be silent or butter her up with what she wants to hear. For example, EVERY woman wants to believe she's the most amazing, adoring and beautiful woman in the whole WORLD to this guy...right? but a guy would never ask you the same, but he'd tell you what you wanted to hear, if he was a really GREAT guy, then he'd make you feel that way....right? now imagine being a guy, and EVERY WOMAN is supposed to be the most amazing, adoring and beautiful...kind of odd expectation don't you think? how realistic is that? but she still expects and wants to believe certain things...and that's women. So you've got him a corner, he's embarrassed and shamed into liking porn...he tried to hide it or keep it discrete so he isn't judged for it and known as one of the "good guys" who doesn't like porn, even though you caught him already, plus he has to tend with his own guilt...guilt for what exactly, who knows, maybe he's just not comfortable with porn, maybe he's just more interested in those fake women than the real thing. What do you really expect the guy to tell you? you've got to just read the writing on the wall. The fact is he doesn't want to be around you or touch you, or have really a sexual relationship with you. Additionally you've been together 10 years...and you were very young at the time when you got together, sorry but teenagers aren't known to make the best life decisions. Relationship was birthed out of youth, probably young love, a lack of understanding in what one wants or desires...basically lots has changed and you've grown up from then, maybe even grown apart farther than you realized. IMO it's time to give the relationship up and try something new...i think if you just stay, it'll be out of convenience and fear on both of your parts, I don't see or feel a deep love and desire to be with one another here....but hey, some people are happy with the friendship kind of love you too have, and honestly those relationships are usually a lot more stable...the lesser the emotions, the easier the relationship can be to manage, it's just easier to have your head straight. But it doesn't sound like that's where things are, and buying a house...why? the problems just don't "go away", as you try to push forward in life. At any rate, without the intimacy, you practically are roommates...I wouldn't say your sex life is horrible, but it's not great either IMO, but you've been having sex for 10 years..maybe things are just a bit boring and repetitive, but that's a whole other thread. I'd have a real conversation about him regarding all of these concerns, but in an attempt to find out where he stands, more than to try and change or improve things...that's the mistake women often make, they ignore the details and facts and instead want to just dive right into the solution like if they're drowning...he has to be willing to talk about this and you've got to really let him know you're getting to the point where you're considering walking away. That will likely light a fire under him, but it'll probably only last months at best...so make sure you have a deeper more detailed and relevant conversation, don't approach it the same way, don't attack him...try to be patient and hear him out, and be honest and realistic with yourself instead of just wanting to hear what you want and just try to figure out a "solution"...it's not going to work, you've got to listen, and you've got to use your head to make a rational decision or you'll be wasting the next 10 years just like this..giving yourself excuses and everything else, still trying to find some miracle pill or some reason that you want to hear. Depends what you want out of your life, I see a lot of people live in denial and stubbornness...if that sounds like you, you're going to be going in circles for a while with this guy, so maybe this one just one of your vents/rants every so many months or years...and you're really not going to do anything about it in the end for whatever reason, it's all up to you and what you're willing to settle for. The longer you wait, the more it's going to accumulate and harder to walk away...but hey, that's what some women want hoping it'll change things, but...you'll be back here, with kids and even more unhappy...chances are. Decisions, decisions...that's really what life is about. Edited June 9, 2015 by Ninjainpajamas
ManyDissapoint Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 OP, have you let your appearance slide over the past 10 years? Sex twice in a month is not normal. I occasionally watched porn even in my last relationship. But that was because I was too tired and wanted the release. Sex should be 2-4 times per week MINIMUM in an established relationship for two busy people.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 This relationship has run its course, I believe. Unfortunately I think he would eventually have sex with someone else - he won't be able to hold off on that forever. Why stay with a man who isn't into you in that way anymore? You've become great friends, but the physical spark is gone. Do not even think about marrying this guy or you will be in for a very unhappy marriage. I think the comfort of a decade-long relationship is what's keeping him around; he likes the companionship and security, but that's where it ends. Sorry, but I think he outgrew the relationship and it is a losing battle.
Buddhist Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 You're already awkward room mates. Unless you want to feel bad about yourself for all eternity get rid of him. He's hanging on for convenience sake, not because he loves you.
joseb Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Yeah sorry Sonyo, this doesn't sound good if you want a full loving relationship. For how long have you been having sex infrequently (less than once/twice a week)? Was the sex good at the start? Are you still sexually attracted to him? I think the porn is probably a red herring, but I have been reading up on the effects it has on some people via other threads here, so it is possible it is a bit of a factor. You need to ask yourself if you can be with someone who doesn't find you attractive. I don't think it's a good way to live. Yes, 10 years is a long time, and you two have spent so much of your lives together that you are both pretty co-dependant now, so splitting up probably seems like a traumatic thought. But you are still young and you have lots of time to find a more fulfilling relationship with someone who is really attracted to you. 1
Erised Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 No. You deserve better. You can be friends later, but break up. Twice a month is not average. It's not very much at all, and now he's saying he's not attracted at all? This is going to to slowly kill every bit of your self confidence and who you are. It's incredibly unfair to you, and he's been unfair for years. And lying about it.
frogs88 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 It makes no sense to say that to someone yet want to stay with them. Unless the intent is malicious but it can't derive that from this story.
Author Sonyo Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Thanks for all the replies everyone. A lot of it really hit home. To answer some questions: Yes, in the last 10 years we've both put on some weight. I've gained about 70 lbs. So I don't wear the mini skirts and things I liked so much anymore, he says he's not bothered by it at all and even likes how squishy it made me, but of course it bothers me. I'm currently working out to drop the weight. The frequency of our sex, about twice a month, has been like this for... geez, I dunno. 4 years? Should it really be like 2-4 times a week? We haven't done it that much since I was like 19. Though, sometimes I'd like to be more adventurous in the bedroom, I'll admit that I'm not the most flexible for some things and he doesn't really care to try much, so it's pretty much stayed the same the whole time. We were pretty fine with it. And yeah, I'm still sexually attracted to him. We sat down and talked again last night, but it left me really confused. When I brought up our previous talk where he admitted that he wasn't attracted to me, he denied ever saying it. He denied almost the entire thing, and said I was putting words in his mouth. Now, I don't have 100% accuracy memory, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't just pull "I don't lust for you anymore" out of thin air. The things he denied made the whole talk we had prior make absolutely no sense. In our talk last night I asked, "Are you attracted to me?" "Of course I am, that never changed." "But you don't even like it when I touch you..." "What? I like it when you touch me!" Then followed all the reasons why he didn't like it in the past, all of which boiled down to "you just need to ask before you touch." and "don't try to escalate it." (touch as in 'coping a feel'. Nipples, penis, butt smacks, etc) I can respect his personal space, and I can see that I'm a horndog sometimes, but it still doesn't really feel right to have to ask, "may I smack your bum?" ... And I feel like a crazy person for having been told I remembered our entire talk the other night incorrectly. But he said he's actually still attracted to me and knows that if we lose the attraction, it's a dead relationship, and that he'll work on not letting porn get in the way of our sex life. So we're still together, and I'm happy we're still together, but something still feels off.
Rejected Rosebud Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 You do not have the right to battle / force him to stop watching pornography UNLESS you find that it is truly affecting your sex life, not your insecurity about the matter. Your insecurity is fueled by you, that makes it your problem, not his. Um he told her he is not attracted to her and doesn't want to touch her!!! That is her problem alright but not her fault, it has nothing to do with her feelings about porn. PS: Just a guess, is he watching unusual form of pornography? Perhaps the is into stuff you two haven't done before, but doesn't want to bring it up? Find out what he likes and see if you can mutually spice up your sex life, that is: if you still want to give this a last try. :sick: Really? You think she could put herself out there in a vulnerable way like that after he told her point blank he was not interested in her sexually??? No way doing kinky things is great but only in a relationship with trust. OP could you seriously consider going forward with your whole life with the prospect of no sex in it? How is he expecting to have children with you the turkey baster method? I'm very sorry this is a painful thing. 1
toscaroscura Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 The least charitable explanation is, he's trying to gaslight you after his emotional abuse, to make sure you stay put. He's just comfortable with the status quo. He's moving the goalposts re: touching and put you in a situation you can't really win. Google "gas lighting". And emotional abuse might seem like a strong word, but I can't think of anything else to call it when your partner tells you he's not sexually attracted to you and then tries to tell you you imagined everything. What purpose would that even serve, if not to merely chip away at your self-esteem? 5
Phoe Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 The least charitable explanation is, he's trying to gaslight you after his emotional abuse, to make sure you stay put. He's just comfortable with the status quo. He's moving the goalposts re: touching and put you in a situation you can't really win. Google "gas lighting". And emotional abuse might seem like a strong word, but I can't think of anything else to call it when your partner tells you he's not sexually attracted to you and then tries to tell you you imagined everything. What purpose would that even serve, if not to merely chip away at your self-esteem? Indeed. You didn't imagine that conversation the other day, and you're not crazy. He's not only made you feel bad about yourself physically, he'd made you question yourself mentally. And told you enough half-assed explanations to make you think that everything is okay. Nothing will change! You guys had a conversation but nothing will change due to it. 1
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Google "gas lighting". And emotional abuse might seem like a strong word, but I can't think of anything else to call it when your partner tells you he's not sexually attracted to you and then tries to tell you you imagined everything. What purpose would that even serve, if not to merely chip away at your self-esteem? Yes, withholding sex can be a form of emotional abuse too. The gaslighting is particularly worrying, and puts a different spin on the issues here. As for the porn, seems he prefers porn to actual sex and that can be one of the symptoms of porn addiction, as can an escalating need for more and more extreme forms of porn. "Many men don’t think about their porn use as being a problem until they start experiencing the physical symptoms of overuse. They then try to stop and find they can’t.” Quiz: Are You Addicted to Porn? | Men's Fitness
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 "Are you attracted to me?" "Of course I am, that never changed." "But you don't even like it when I touch you..." "What? I like it when you touch me!" Then followed all the reasons why he didn't like it in the past, all of which boiled down to "you just need to ask before you touch." and "don't try to escalate it." ...something still feels off. Um, excuse me?!?! You "need to ASK him *before* you TOUCH him????" I mean, seriously??? And then he denies ever having said that he wasn't attracted to you, as if you've IMAGINED that entire conversation???? Umm, can you say GASLIGHTING??? OP...for your own spiritual and emotional well-being, to keep your self-respect and self-esteem intact...and because you love yourself enough to protect yourself from all harm (even emotional abuse, the affects of it cannot be seen but it can be FELT)....you really need to END this 'relationship'. No good will ever come of it if you continue with this guy with whom you have a 10 year history with. A guy who uses pornography even though it makes you feel uncomfortable. A guy who verbally and emotionally abuses you. A guy who has told you pointblank that he finds you UNattractive. A guy that has NO desire to touch you or for you to touch him - unless of course, you ASK him PERMISSION *first* before you "touch" him and...as long as you don't "escalate" that touching. A guy who gaslights you to make you doubt your own memory of a very vivid conversation that you recently had. A guy who does NOT respect you and does NOT care about you in the very least. A guy who stays with you because you're his victim of emotional abuse. As long as you're in his life, he has someone to verbally and emotionally abuse, someone to gaslight and someone who will put up with said abuse. A guy that does NOT love you, and probably never has. He feels 'comfortable' with you because you're his security blanket and his victim. Reread this post (along with the other posts that some members here have made) as many times as it takes until it sinks into your subconscious, into your mind, into your heart and into your soul...you DESERVE BETTER than to be TREATED and ABUSED like this. END THIS RELATIONSHIP. If you remain in it, eventually it'll be too late for you to have enough strength, courage and self-esteem for you to leave it. . 3
O'Malley Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I can respect his personal space, and I can see that I'm a horndog sometimes, but it still doesn't really feel right to have to ask, "may I smack your bum?" ... And I feel like a crazy person for having been told I remembered our entire talk the other night incorrectly. But he said he's actually still attracted to me and knows that if we lose the attraction, it's a dead relationship, and that he'll work on not letting porn get in the way of our sex life. So we're still together, and I'm happy we're still together, but something still feels off. It might feel off because he's drawing back from his own words and you're going along with it to preserve the comfort zone. I know that feels like the best choice at the moment because it avoids confrontation and significant change, but it's only a temporary respite. I don't think porn use is the real issue; just a symptom of his lack of interest in the relationship. With porn, he doesn't have to touch base, emotionally and physically, with a willing partner. Are you fine with staying another decade with a man who won't have sex with you, who puts restrictions on when and how you can touch him? Are you willing to forgo sex and touching completely? And if you're not ready to give up sex and touching, but want to stay with a man who won't be intimate with you, where are you going to get those needs met? Agreeing to his terms will not make your relationship breakup-proof; you can't guarantee that he won't eventually seek other outlets for affection and/or sex.
Author Sonyo Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 I'm so angry right now that I'm in tears. ARGH!!! I looked up Gaslighting. He's done this in the past, and blamed me for things that weren't my fault. It tore me down immensely. I developed an extremely low self-esteem and became suicidal. But after it came to light what he was doing ,and he admitted he did it to hide things (namely his porn), I became really aggressive for a while. I've calmed down though, have a lot of confidence again. I thought I was smarter and more wary, until I read "Are you being Gaslighted?" at psychologytoday.com. Every warning sign listed fell true for me ._. Now we're both the same type of person when it comes to comfort zones. Neither of us ask for much as far as material possessions, we both like the idea of having friends but are fine with just each other, it's really easy for us to be comfortable in a daily routine and procrastinate horribly when it comes to changing something unless we just MUST have it. We both settle a lot. So I guess he just settled on me, is comfortable, and thus gaslights me to keep up the current life? A few of you already pretty much stated that this is what's happening, but dammit... it sunk in. And it really, really, REALLY sucks. I want to talk with him over this again, but is there any point if he's just gonna lie through his teeth?
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