My boyfriend's parents concern me.

[doeblin]

He's not supposed to have his phone. At all. He was told if they catch him with his phone outside of breaks, he would be fired.

 

So if this is such an important rule, why does he have it? Why can't he just turn it off? Or leave it in his car or whatever? Is it really that hard?

[Redhead14]

I'm 21 years old, and my boyfriend is 22. We've been together for 8 months, living together for 6, known each other for 3 years.

 

The first time I met my boyfriend's parents, it was the most awkward experience of my life. I'm a very quiet and shy person, and I don't really talk to strangers unless I'm spoken to first. Apparently, they're also incredibly "shy" even though I don't get the vibe that they're "shy" at all, just negative people who want everyone else to feel as ****ty as they do. Nevermind it took them months to get my name right (literally the most common name in the English language)

 

The first time I met them, they didn't really talk to me. I thought it was a little odd that they didn't want to ask me questions or get to know me at all, but I was like okay, I don't mind just sitting here listening to everyone else banter. I tried to ask questions about themselves (cause people like to talk about themselves, obviously), but I'd get incredibly short answers and feel really discouraged.

 

If we hung out at his house, we were only allowed in the living room. Their house, their rules, whatever. What sucked was his mom would have control of the tv. So we'd have to watch whatever she was watching, but whatever, at least we're spending time together. My parents are super chill about privacy, so we hung out at my house a lot more than his house. His parents didn't like this, and would repeatedly call asking where he is and what he's doing. Anytime they talked to him, they would guilt trip him about not being home as much as they liked.

 

Here's where I had a problem: I didn't see him much myself. He was working two jobs because he couldn't afford to live with his parents ($600/month) with just one job. He'd work all day, come to my house, we'd talk for about an hour, and then we'd go to sleep and he'd get up and do it all over again the next day. I remember when he actually had a Saturday off from both jobs, so we actually went out. His father calls, pretty much berates him for not being home, and tells him he expects him to be home that night. It honestly felt like I was dating a teenager.

 

Then it starts to get really weird. My bf and I work together in retail. Have for 3 years. His dad just starts randomly dropping in for half an hour at a time. At least every two days. It was just the weirdest ****. My mom has dropped by once during my entire 3 years of working, and that was because I had forgotten a present for my coworker and she brought it to me. My dad? Never.

 

All I asked for as far as holidays went was Christmas Eve. That's the only holiday that I wanted for my boyfriend to meet my extended family. He said normally his family does Christmas Day dinner, so that's totally fine. They called him Christmas Eve, telling him they decided to do Christmas Eve dinner instead. He still stuck it out with me, thankfully.

 

My parents adore my bf, and considering he was here all the time anyway, my parents let him move in with us, rent free. We were really happy cause we could actually start saving for a house or an apartment, whatever got us out on our own, and he wouldn't have to kill himself working two jobs. Well, he hurt himself at work and took a few days off to recover. He was going to get workman's comp for it, it would just take a little bit to receive it so we were living off of savings and my paycheck. He went over there and his father said "while you're here, you should chop some wood" and he ****ing did! What the ****, I'm covering for your ass and you're chopping ****ing wood for a controlling ******* who's capable of doing the **** himself?

 

Regardless, I feel his father is all kinds of controlling. I bring it up, boyfriend gets very defensive. I don't know how to approach it.

 

1.) The calls at all hours of the day. Starting as early as 7am. I got pissed one morning because it was a Saturday, I was hung over, and his phone was ringing at 7am. I yelled, half asleep, "Are you honestly ****ing kidding me?", he apologized, answered the phone outside the bedroom, came back in and told me I overreacted. I don't think I did. I think that's a crazy hour to call anybody, regardless if you're related to them or not.

 

2.) My bf started a new job last week. He's working in government buildings, and is technically not supposed have his phone on him at all, and has been told if they catch him with a phone, they're kicking him off the job. His father called him, at work, 3 times last week. Originally when his father would call at rather bad times, he said "well I don't live there anymore so they don't know my schedule" Well, you ****ing filled him in that you'd be working during the day, leaving around 4am, and getting home around 4pm. Why the **** is he calling you, your first week at a new job, when he ****ing KNOWS you're at work?

 

3.) Yesterday, he called my boyfriend guilt tripping him because he hasn't seen him in two weeks (the horror! I live with my parents and can go weeks without talking/seeing them). Once again, first week of a new job, adjusting to a new schedule, on top of that he's sick. He still relented and went over there anyways.

 

There's been numerous more situations like the ones above in which his dad just disregards boundaries (like the time he literally went looking through our neighborhood for my boyfriend's car, to find the house we live in).

 

Halp.

 

You concern should not be about his parents, it should be about him. He has no sense of autonomy and independence and hasn't exercised assertiveness with them. Either because he's scared to "be his own" person or is lazy or both.

 

This is also about parenting style, which carries on through the children oftentimes. So, if you want kids with this guy, you're going to be dealing with history. If you don't like the way his parents treat him, you're not going to like the way he treats his kids. The fact that he gets defensive when you talk to him about all this says, he's OK with it. A person who was at least trying to become independent, would say, "hey, you're right. I don't have to put up with this and address it themselves with the parents."

 

All that being said, I have another question. What was his childhood/teenage history? Has he been in a ton of trouble that required parental involvement? If he has troubled teenage history and being irresponsible, etc., the parents may feel the need to be on top of him.

 

What exactly is their hold on him? Why is he allowing it to happen? Those are the bigger questions. You can't do this for him or make him, he has to want to. The reason for not really wanting to is the root of the problem.

[beavs]

What was his childhood/teenage history? Has he been in a ton of trouble that required parental involvement? If he has troubled teenage history and being irresponsible, etc., the parents may feel the need to be on top of him.

 

From what I've heard, it was no different than anyone else's teenage years. I know he had an attitude problem, and got the **** kicked him out of him for it, he experimented with alcohol, pot, would go to parties, and a lot of that happened with his older brother who lives in a different state but lived with them for a short while. His ex lived with him and his family when they were together, I know they got yelled at a lot for coming and going.

[Redhead14]

From what I've heard, it was no different than anyone else's teenage years. I know he had an attitude problem, and got the **** kicked him out of him for it, he experimented with alcohol, pot, would go to parties, and a lot of that happened with his older brother who lives in a different state but lived with them for a short while. His ex lived with him and his family when they were together, I know they got yelled at a lot for coming and going.

 

This is quite a tangled mess for a 21 year old woman to be dealing with. You should be enjoying your life for a while without all this drama. You cannot build a healthy, strong relationship between the two of you when his parents are "between" you. Until he gets "real" about the situation and gets his own life in order, I think you two should have your own lives as individuals put together first before you start tackling things as a couple. Like it or not, you do not have the life skills to effectively a manage all that's coming down the pike. I'm not saying you're not smart, because I think you are. Use that to make a decision that will ultimately make things better for both of you and your futures.

 

You stay with your parents and send him back to his while he works on all the things he needs to deal with to get himself on track. You can and should continue to date each other if you want and work toward the common goal of having a life together at some point.

 

I'd say that once your boyfriend starts putting in the effort required to get out on his own and taking his autonomy back from his parents, they will let go.

[SummerDreams]

I think I have bad news for you. Neither of them is gonna change simply because this is how they both are. The father is a controlling person who thinks his way is the correct way and he has every right to his son's life just cause .... well, he's his son, right? and your bf is a convenient and tolerant person who has his own issues and obeys his dad to everything. If none of them want or find it essential to change, nobody will make them change. And to be honest it seems both are happy with the situation. Since you talked to your bf about his father and he said it's ok, don't worry, things will be magically fixed (no they won't) it means he doesn't even see a problem. And he doesn't see a problem cause this is how he is used to. It's like someone telling you, why the hell do you wash your hair with shampoo while you should wash it with beer? and you saying, wtf this is what I have done my entire life! I'm in your shoes, my bf is exactly like yours and his father is exactly like your bf's father. And my bf is 16 years older than your bf. Your bf should go to a counselor to help him realize why he acts like this and feels this guilt towards his father, but this will take years to be fixed, if it ever will be. Just think very carefully.

[whirl3daway]

There is no way I would stay in a relationship like this unless the boy [because that's what he is, not a man] was willing to do some real change. This is an extremely unhealthy dynamic, and one that he will want to do with your own children in the future. He sees nothing wrong with his parents behavior, excuses and justifies it, and turns you into the bad person. You don't deserve being second fiddle to anyone, not even anyone's parents. If parents are worthy, they should be respected and they get a relationship. No one DESERVES a relationship because of shared DNA, especially when they are toxic like this. You say it seems like his parents want him to "thank" them for having him - this is exactly right. They feel that he owes them and it's extremely damaging. This "boy" of yours is emotionally unhealthy, totally enmeshed and unlikely to ever change. I'd get out now, if I were you.

[beavs]

It's just so sad. Outside of this issue, he's such a great guy. I am worried about myself, however, cause obviously he grew up in a controlling environment and what he thinks is normal is completely not normal to everybody else, and I don't want him thinking he can control me because that's how it was in his family. That's all he knows. I was hoping that when he came here, he would see how it's supposed to be. Everybody gets a say, no one is disrespected, how to solve arguments without brawling, etc.

 

He has told me that the dynamic in my house is superior than the dynamic at his parent's. I hope maybe, possibly, there's a chance he'll put his foot down. I'm considering counseling for myself for my anxiety, and maybe I should include him and ask him to attend?

[whirl3daway]

It's just so sad. Outside of this issue, he's such a great guy. I am worried about myself, however, cause obviously he grew up in a controlling environment and what he thinks is normal is completely not normal to everybody else, and I don't want him thinking he can control me because that's how it was in his family. That's all he knows. I was hoping that when he came here, he would see how it's supposed to be. Everybody gets a say, no one is disrespected, how to solve arguments without brawling, etc.

 

He has told me that the dynamic in my house is superior than the dynamic at his parent's. I hope maybe, possibly, there's a chance he'll put his foot down. I'm considering counseling for myself for my anxiety, and maybe I should include him and ask him to attend?

 

If you do, I'd screen therapists to make sure they believe in "leave and cleave" type relationships in regards to parents, even if you're not religious. It's important that you don't find a stupid therapist who reinforces all those negative aspects of the relationship under the guise of "but it's faaaaamily".