My boyfriend's parents concern me.

[beavs]

I'm 21 years old, and my boyfriend is 22. We've been together for 8 months, living together for 6, known each other for 3 years.

 

The first time I met my boyfriend's parents, it was the most awkward experience of my life. I'm a very quiet and shy person, and I don't really talk to strangers unless I'm spoken to first. Apparently, they're also incredibly "shy" even though I don't get the vibe that they're "shy" at all, just negative people who want everyone else to feel as ****ty as they do. Nevermind it took them months to get my name right (literally the most common name in the English language)

 

The first time I met them, they didn't really talk to me. I thought it was a little odd that they didn't want to ask me questions or get to know me at all, but I was like okay, I don't mind just sitting here listening to everyone else banter. I tried to ask questions about themselves (cause people like to talk about themselves, obviously), but I'd get incredibly short answers and feel really discouraged.

 

If we hung out at his house, we were only allowed in the living room. Their house, their rules, whatever. What sucked was his mom would have control of the tv. So we'd have to watch whatever she was watching, but whatever, at least we're spending time together. My parents are super chill about privacy, so we hung out at my house a lot more than his house. His parents didn't like this, and would repeatedly call asking where he is and what he's doing. Anytime they talked to him, they would guilt trip him about not being home as much as they liked.

 

Here's where I had a problem: I didn't see him much myself. He was working two jobs because he couldn't afford to live with his parents ($600/month) with just one job. He'd work all day, come to my house, we'd talk for about an hour, and then we'd go to sleep and he'd get up and do it all over again the next day. I remember when he actually had a Saturday off from both jobs, so we actually went out. His father calls, pretty much berates him for not being home, and tells him he expects him to be home that night. It honestly felt like I was dating a teenager.

 

Then it starts to get really weird. My bf and I work together in retail. Have for 3 years. His dad just starts randomly dropping in for half an hour at a time. At least every two days. It was just the weirdest ****. My mom has dropped by once during my entire 3 years of working, and that was because I had forgotten a present for my coworker and she brought it to me. My dad? Never.

 

All I asked for as far as holidays went was Christmas Eve. That's the only holiday that I wanted for my boyfriend to meet my extended family. He said normally his family does Christmas Day dinner, so that's totally fine. They called him Christmas Eve, telling him they decided to do Christmas Eve dinner instead. He still stuck it out with me, thankfully.

 

My parents adore my bf, and considering he was here all the time anyway, my parents let him move in with us, rent free. We were really happy cause we could actually start saving for a house or an apartment, whatever got us out on our own, and he wouldn't have to kill himself working two jobs. Well, he hurt himself at work and took a few days off to recover. He was going to get workman's comp for it, it would just take a little bit to receive it so we were living off of savings and my paycheck. He went over there and his father said "while you're here, you should chop some wood" and he ****ing did! What the ****, I'm covering for your ass and you're chopping ****ing wood for a controlling ******* who's capable of doing the **** himself?

 

Regardless, I feel his father is all kinds of controlling. I bring it up, boyfriend gets very defensive. I don't know how to approach it.

 

1.) The calls at all hours of the day. Starting as early as 7am. I got pissed one morning because it was a Saturday, I was hung over, and his phone was ringing at 7am. I yelled, half asleep, "Are you honestly ****ing kidding me?", he apologized, answered the phone outside the bedroom, came back in and told me I overreacted. I don't think I did. I think that's a crazy hour to call anybody, regardless if you're related to them or not.

 

2.) My bf started a new job last week. He's working in government buildings, and is technically not supposed have his phone on him at all, and has been told if they catch him with a phone, they're kicking him off the job. His father called him, at work, 3 times last week. Originally when his father would call at rather bad times, he said "well I don't live there anymore so they don't know my schedule" Well, you ****ing filled him in that you'd be working during the day, leaving around 4am, and getting home around 4pm. Why the **** is he calling you, your first week at a new job, when he ****ing KNOWS you're at work?

 

3.) Yesterday, he called my boyfriend guilt tripping him because he hasn't seen him in two weeks (the horror! I live with my parents and can go weeks without talking/seeing them). Once again, first week of a new job, adjusting to a new schedule, on top of that he's sick. He still relented and went over there anyways.

 

There's been numerous more situations like the ones above in which his dad just disregards boundaries (like the time he literally went looking through our neighborhood for my boyfriend's car, to find the house we live in).

 

Halp.

[doeblin]

That is some bizarre behavior from the father.

 

Surely a grown man should behave like an autonomous person, and expect everyone to treat him as such. Your BF should stop being timid, and set his boundaries straight.

 

However, you need to be very tactful in a situation like this. You may talk to his father, but be careful. You don't want to sour the family relationship and you don't want to make this into an either/or scenario, because you might not like the outcome.

 

Sheesh you're in a bind.

[Vercetti]

I had a relationship in part destroyed by parents such as that. They just couldn't be people. They ended up invading and over stepping bounds on everything. They knew everything and thier way was always best and right. They wanted to keep thier daughter a child cradle to grave.

 

Unless your boyfriend has the balls to tell them to piss off / cut them off till they act tolerable / be absolutely independent of them.....it's not gonna change.......it can get worse. Like dozen page hand written schedules of what should do everyday in 5 / 15 minutes intervals. Or thirty texts a day of what are you / what you should be doing.

 

You already see hints of this. A 22 year old man being asked what he is doing, they shouldn't know Jack about his daily activities.

[beavs]

That is some bizarre behavior from the father.

 

Surely a grown man should behave like an autonomous person, and expect everyone to treat him as such. Your BF should stop being timid, and set his boundaries straight.

 

However, you need to be very tactful in a situation like this. You may talk to his father, but be careful. You don't want to sour the family relationship and you don't want to make this into an either/or scenario, because you might not like the outcome.

 

Sheesh you're in a bind.

 

I know, which is why I'm asking what I should do. My boyfriend brushes it off the other times I've brought it up and it just turns into an argument. I guess he's so used to it he doesn't see a problem, but it is a problem. I can't spend my life with somebody who still wants to please daddy.

 

I had a relationship in part destroyed by parents such as that. They just couldn't be people. They ended up invading and over stepping bounds on everything. They knew everything and thier way was always best and right. They wanted to keep thier daughter a child cradle to grave.

 

Unless your boyfriend has the balls to tell them to piss off / cut them off till they act tolerable / be absolutely independent of them.....it's not gonna change.......it can get worse. Like dozen page hand written schedules of what should do everyday in 5 / 15 minutes intervals. Or thirty texts a day of what are you / what you should be doing.

 

You already see hints of this. A 22 year old man being asked what he is doing, they shouldn't know Jack about his daily activities.

 

Believe me, I know it can get worse. My mother has a terrible relationship with her in-laws and her MIL is incredibly invasive. My dad keeps saying bf will see the light and get tired of it, but I think he's so brainwashed he might never see it that way.

[doeblin]

I don't think there is a simple solution to this. Sorry.

 

A couple is a kind of a unit. Especially two adults living together. You can tell the father to respect this unit by not stepping over boundaries, like only calling a couple of times a week and at a reasonable hour. You can also tell your BF, that you expect him to stand up for himself.

 

Communication is important. Don't demand, negotiate... but I don't think they will simply bend to your will.

 

As the cliché goes, you marry their family... so you have some thinking to do.

Edited June 9, 2015 by doeblin

[kendahke]

I think that the worst thing that happened was your parents allowing him to move in rent free--he's a grown man who needs to rise to the occasion when adversity strikes and learn how to navigate his own way out of it on his terms. Rescuing him from doing that was never going to teach him to cut the apron strings with his parents... all it did was provide a distraction to him from doing some heavy lifting that he needs to attend to with regards to his parents. As you can see, there has been no significant change to how he operates when it comes to his parents... he's just sitting up in your parent's house and not contributing. So what if he had to work 2 jobs to pay rent? When he gets his own place, he's going to have to work to pay for rent/utilities/medical insurance/car insurance/gas/registration and every thing else that goes into running one's life on one's own.

 

You would be best advised to give up this out of control hatred for his parents. They are HIS parents and he's had far more time spent with them than you. You run a risk of him deducing that you're just as uncompromising as they are and he figures out a way to drop your relationship for being too much stress to deal with.

 

His dynamic with his parents will never be what your dynamic with your parents is, so stop with the comparisons and cursing him out because he wasn't raised like you.

 

He may not feel that they are as bad as you're making them out to be and you cursing him out for the time his dad calls him is going to end up doing way more harm to your interests than good. All you need to do is ask him to put his phone on vibrate so you don't hear it when you're hung over.

 

The plain fact of the matter here is that his parents do not like you for some reason. Not everyone is going to like you and that includes the parents of boyfriends sometimes. Sucks, but there it is.

 

I know, which is why I'm asking what I should do. My boyfriend brushes it off the other times I've brought it up and it just turns into an argument. I guess he's so used to it he doesn't see a problem, but it is a problem. I can't spend my life with somebody who still wants to please daddy.

 

Then he needs to move out and start doing his own heavy lifting because him living at your house rent free is only a distraction, not a solution to anything. He doesn't have to grow up and face the unpleasant/uncomfortable consequences of his decision as he works through his own solution while posting up on your parent's dime. As long as you're there trying to rescue him from doing what he needs to do to build character and responsibility, he's never going to stop trying to please his father--and quite frankly, you need to face the fact that he might not WANT to stop pleasing his father in order to then have to start pleasing you. He needs to stop trying to please everyone. I see that as being his biggest problem.

[minime13]

This is for your boyfriend to fix. Not you, not the parents, but him.

 

However, he grew up with this behavior, so he may accept it. If he gets defensive and doesn't seem like he wants to put any effort into creating boundaries with his parents, then you have to learn to accept it, or break it off with him.

 

The fact that his parents seem to treat you like you're nothing and he doesn't say anything about that is more than concerning. At the very least, he should expect his parents to treat his girlfriend with respect. Him not doing that makes me think the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

What I want to know why the heck he is at home with his parents for $600/month and he has to live by their rules still? If you're paying THAT much rent (let alone any rent) you should have freedom to do what you want (within reason, but bringing your GF into your room isn't unreasonable).

 

For $600/month he could be living at his own place... Jeez. My rent is only $500/month! Lol.

[blackcat777]

I moved back home after a head injury in a car crash, and I'm staying there until I'm done with school this summer and score a sweet job. Sometimes it's annoying as hell, but it's quiet, and I know I'm SAFE (I'm soooo over living in sketchy apartments, oh, the stories I could tell).

 

I definitely pay my fair share in rent...

 

...and my dad... makes my boyfriend... sleep in the attic.

 

(He didn't start enforcing this until after we broke up and then got back together.)

 

There's no arguing with my dad when he makes up his mind. Do I think it's ridiculous? ABSOLUTELY. But my boyfriend lives an hour away, and if I want him to stay over, there's really no other choice. The pros of living at home still far outweigh some of the crazy things I have to endure.

 

We just sleep in my bed and set an alarm for 5am so he can run upstairs.

 

OP, as for your boyfriend, I think the best thing to do is not to fight with him... not to make demands... but be sincere and express your feelings in a loving way whenever something he does or his parents do give you a strong emotion. Avoid using accusatory language because that shuts people down really fast.

 

Once he understands your feelings, if he cares about them, he should be motivated to strike some kind of balance.

 

Don't ever drive a wedge between him and his family. Just say, "When X happens, it makes me feel this."

 

Also, before you speak, if you can, really think about WHY it makes you feel that way... which is the core of the matter, and is often what will bring you CLOSER. E.g., with the chopping wood situation, I'm guessing you were upset because his parents expected him to do something while he was hurt. He probably did it out of a sense of duty (or something). Rather than fighting about WHAT happened, if you can get to the whys of how you feel... there is often an amicable solution.

 

But, for example, if you express anger at your boyfriend for the wood situation, it's going to drive you apart. If you say it upsets you because you care about him, and it made you mad his parents expected him to work when he was hurt... totally different outcome. (UNLESS he's a jerk that doesn't respect your feelings, but this is the fastest way to find out, and you don't have to do anything but be authentic with your own emotions. )

 

Hope that made sense. Good luck.

Edited June 9, 2015 by blackcat777

[beavs]

I think that the worst thing that happened was your parents allowing him to move in rent free--he's a grown man who needs to rise to the occasion when adversity strikes and learn how to navigate his own way out of it on his terms. Rescuing him from doing that was never going to teach him to cut the apron strings with his parents... all it did was provide a distraction to him from doing some heavy lifting that he needs to attend to with regards to his parents. As you can see, there has been no significant change to how he operates when it comes to his parents... he's just sitting up in your parent's house and not contributing. So what if he had to work 2 jobs to pay rent? When he gets his own place, he's going to have to work to pay for rent/utilities/medical insurance/car insurance/gas/registration and every thing else that goes into running one's life on one's own.

 

You would be best advised to give up this out of control hatred for his parents. They are HIS parents and he's had far more time spent with them than you. You run a risk of him deducing that you're just as uncompromising as they are and he figures out a way to drop your relationship for being too much stress to deal with.

 

His dynamic with his parents will never be what your dynamic with your parents is, so stop with the comparisons and cursing him out because he wasn't raised like you.

 

He may not feel that they are as bad as you're making them out to be and you cursing him out for the time his dad calls him is going to end up doing way more harm to your interests than good. All you need to do is ask him to put his phone on vibrate so you don't hear it when you're hung over.

 

The plain fact of the matter here is that his parents do not like you for some reason. Not everyone is going to like you and that includes the parents of boyfriends sometimes. Sucks, but there it is.

 

 

 

Then he needs to move out and start doing his own heavy lifting because him living at your house rent free is only a distraction, not a solution to anything. He doesn't have to grow up and face the unpleasant/uncomfortable consequences of his decision as he works through his own solution while posting up on your parent's dime. As long as you're there trying to rescue him from doing what he needs to do to build character and responsibility, he's never going to stop trying to please his father--and quite frankly, you need to face the fact that he might not WANT to stop pleasing his father in order to then have to start pleasing you. He needs to stop trying to please everyone. I see that as being his biggest problem.

 

First off, I wasn't trying to "rescue" him. We wanted to live together, we were looking into renting but we live in an expensive area. My parents offered for him to live with us mostly to make sure we were alright with living together. We plan on being out of here by December. It's not like we're not contributing anything either, we pay for groceries, we do all the laundry, we clean the house, etc. And my parents are okay with that setup because they both work crazy hours and don't have the time to do any of that stuff. You're making it sound like he's lazy or doesn't do anything. He does. He works very hard. When he was at his parents, he was getting part time hours at both jobs making minimum wage. He paid them weekly, because they didn't want it monthly. $150 every week, he had about 50-75 left over for other expenses like gas, food, etc for the week, and he'd keep some on the side so he could pay his phone bill and car insurance later in the month. It's not like he was blowing his money or not "doing heavy lifting", just like now, he's still doing heavy lifting, it's just not as heavy as it was. How is he supposed to save up to move out when he had just enough for the most basic expenses? He's got a much better paying job now, with benefits and the works.

 

Secondly, I do not cuss him out whenever his dad calls. I said "are you ****ing kidding me" half asleep, at 7am, on my day off. Why? Because it's annoying. I do not have an out of control hatred for his parents, either. I think his dad is weird as hell and shows behavior that I'm not used to, but I don't hate him. I've been a helluva lot nicer to them than they have to me, I can assure you. I've compromised A LOT. I get an ex girlfriend thrown in my face constantly because she was just so perfect, I get picked on for being too thin, I get eyes rolled at me whenever I speak, I get glares, I get scolded for my tattoo, I get told that they'd prefer for him to be at "home", etc. I put up with all of this BECAUSE I love him. So get outta here if you think I haven't compromised or if I'm trying to drive a wedge, that's the last thing I wanna do. But I know if this doesn't get nipped NOW, it's going to get worse. They're the kind of people who would come over unannounced and probably would want to be in the delivery room if we were to ever have children.

 

What I want to know why the heck he is at home with his parents for $600/month and he has to live by their rules still? If you're paying THAT much rent (let alone any rent) you should have freedom to do what you want (within reason, but bringing your GF into your room isn't unreasonable).

 

For $600/month he could be living at his own place... Jeez. My rent is only $500/month! Lol.

 

Expensive area. 1br/1ba apartments are ridiculous, he wouldn't have any money left over for food, bills, etc. I guess he felt $600 was the best deal he was gonna get.

[johan]

Regardless, I feel his father is all kinds of controlling. I bring it up, boyfriend gets very defensive. I don't know how to approach it.

 

How I recommend approaching it:

 

First, don't criticize his parents in any way. Don't label them or diagnose them with problems. Keep in mind that you're dealing with a trio of consenting adults who are free to do these things: they are free to act like they do, and he is free to allow it. And if they all think that's the best way to live, then it's not wrong. So don't use terms that imply a judgment. You'll just make him defensive again and then there will be no progress.

 

The easiest way to do this is to assume there must be some huge secret reason for it all that makes it make sense. Pretend there is, and you would agree with it all if you knew. "In that case, any parent would do the same." Incidentally they will tell you right now that yes, there are good reasons for it that are none of your business. Go with that.

 

But when you conclude that how they act isn't wrong, then there is still the problem that it's wrong for you. You didn't grow up like that. Your parents contact you less and don't try to interrupt things you have going on in your personal life. Whose parents are right? Whose parents are wrong? It's not relevant and don't let him go there with you. "Oh right, your parents are better parents than mine! Is that what you're saying??" Don't take that kind of bait. Wrong for you is what matters, and it's the bottom line he'll be facing sooner or later.

 

Any leverage you have in a discussion like this, with someone so emotional and unable to cope, is in sticking to the facts about things you know he cares about. In this case the one most relevant to you is: His relationship with his parents is going to lead to the end of your relationship with him.

 

Better to state it without too much emotion. Your breaking point is out there, and someday there will be no going back. He doesn't have to like it. And if he does try to draw you out for an explanation, it will be really hard to find words that don't spark his emotions. But it's best if you can avoid even mentioning his parents. Focus it on yourself: "..it's too much for me...", "...I need to sleep on Saturdays...", "...I need you to go the distance with me on holidays and not let people interrupt..." No naming names. No judgment terms. It's about you and him and what's going to work for you two.

 

He may still get defensive or even fly off the handle. This is because the easiest way out is for him to make you feel bad for hating his sweet parents who gave him everything and are just doing their best in life. Then you'll think twice about bringing it up again. But if this is all he has to offer, then there is really not much sense in pressing the issue. You may never get more sensible discussion from him about it, but at least you know you told him what he needed to know in time for him to do something about it. Unless he brings more to the table, that's about all you can do.

 

And you learned some communication techniques to try on the next messed up guy you date. I hope it helps. Good luck.

[smackie9]

Your BF is just going to have to grow some, and set boundaries with his father simple as that.....he will probably will need some encouragement and understanding from you in order to get him to do so.

[SomeDude16]

Personally if I was you i'd say something like,

 

"Im 21 years old. I want to date a man, not a teenager. I feel like your parents control is having a negative impact on both our relationship and myself. I need you to stand up for yourself, for me, and for our relationship and make the decisions in your best interest, otherwise I can't see this working in the long run. I'm starting to be effected on a personal level by the actions of your parents, and thats not something I expect or want out of this relationship. I'm not asking you to change this overnight, but I am asking you to take some initiative for the both of us."

 

Not saying this is the right way to handle it, but it's how i'd go about it...

[beavs]

How I recommend approaching it:

 

First, don't criticize his parents in any way. Don't label them or diagnose them with problems. Keep in mind that you're dealing with a trio of consenting adults who are free to do these things: they are free to act like they do, and he is free to allow it. And if they all think that's the best way to live, then it's not wrong. So don't use terms that imply a judgment. You'll just make him defensive again and then there will be no progress.

 

The easiest way to do this is to assume there must be some huge secret reason for it all that makes it make sense. Pretend there is, and you would agree with it all if you knew. "In that case, any parent would do the same." Incidentally they will tell you right now that yes, there are good reasons for it that are none of your business. Go with that.

 

But when you conclude that how they act isn't wrong, then there is still the problem that it's wrong for you. You didn't grow up like that. Your parents contact you less and don't try to interrupt things you have going on in your personal life. Whose parents are right? Whose parents are wrong? It's not relevant and don't let him go there with you. "Oh right, your parents are better parents than mine! Is that what you're saying??" Don't take that kind of bait. Wrong for you is what matters, and it's the bottom line he'll be facing sooner or later.

 

Any leverage you have in a discussion like this, with someone so emotional and unable to cope, is in sticking to the facts about things you know he cares about. In this case the one most relevant to you is: His relationship with his parents is going to lead to the end of your relationship with him.

 

Better to state it without too much emotion. Your breaking point is out there, and someday there will be no going back. He doesn't have to like it. And if he does try to draw you out for an explanation, it will be really hard to find words that don't spark his emotions. But it's best if you can avoid even mentioning his parents. Focus it on yourself: "..it's too much for me...", "...I need to sleep on Saturdays...", "...I need you to go the distance with me on holidays and not let people interrupt..." No naming names. No judgment terms. It's about you and him and what's going to work for you two.

 

He may still get defensive or even fly off the handle. This is because the easiest way out is for him to make you feel bad for hating his sweet parents who gave him everything and are just doing their best in life. Then you'll think twice about bringing it up again. But if this is all he has to offer, then there is really not much sense in pressing the issue. You may never get more sensible discussion from him about it, but at least you know you told him what he needed to know in time for him to do something about it. Unless he brings more to the table, that's about all you can do.

 

And you learned some communication techniques to try on the next messed up guy you date. I hope it helps. Good luck.

 

Haha, the whole sweet parents who gave him everything sounds so much like him. It's like they make him feel bad for being born and he should worship the ground they walk on cause oh, we could have just not had you so (and that's honestly they're attitude).

 

Thank you for the advice, I will keep everything you said in mind in future discussions.

[Sekailena]

"The first time I met them, they didn't really talk to me. I thought it was a little odd that they didn't want to ask me questions or get to know me at all, but I was like okay, I don't mind just sitting here listening to everyone else banter. I tried to ask questions about themselves (cause people like to talk about themselves, obviously), but I'd get incredibly short answers and feel really discouraged"

Let say , they dont like you at first

Bring them a gift next time when you have a chance to return , they will change

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Well IMO when parents require rent, they should be treating you as a tenant and not a child.

 

In other words, all the "my house my rules" crap goes out the Window and they shouldn't be imposing rules on you that a normal landlord wouldn't.

 

If I paid $600 in rent and my Parents tried to pull that **** on me (not letting girls be in my room with me), they would get a piece of my mind.

[kendahke]

First off, I wasn't trying to "rescue" him. We wanted to live together, we were looking into renting but we live in an expensive area. My parents offered for him to live with us mostly to make sure we were alright with living together. We plan on being out of here by December. It's not like we're not contributing anything either, we pay for groceries, we do all the laundry, we clean the house, etc. And my parents are okay with that setup because they both work crazy hours and don't have the time to do any of that stuff. You're making it sound like he's lazy or doesn't do anything. He does. He works very hard. When he was at his parents, he was getting part time hours at both jobs making minimum wage. He paid them weekly, because they didn't want it monthly. $150 every week, he had about 50-75 left over for other expenses like gas, food, etc for the week, and he'd keep some on the side so he could pay his phone bill and car insurance later in the month. It's not like he was blowing his money or not "doing heavy lifting", just like now, he's still doing heavy lifting, it's just not as heavy as it was. How is he supposed to save up to move out when he had just enough for the most basic expenses? He's got a much better paying job now, with benefits and the works.

 

Secondly, I do not cuss him out whenever his dad calls. I said "are you ****ing kidding me" half asleep, at 7am, on my day off. Why? Because it's annoying. I do not have an out of control hatred for his parents, either. I think his dad is weird as hell and shows behavior that I'm not used to, but I don't hate him. I've been a helluva lot nicer to them than they have to me, I can assure you. I've compromised A LOT. I get an ex girlfriend thrown in my face constantly because she was just so perfect, I get picked on for being too thin, I get eyes rolled at me whenever I speak, I get glares, I get scolded for my tattoo, I get told that they'd prefer for him to be at "home", etc. I put up with all of this BECAUSE I love him. So get outta here if you think I haven't compromised or if I'm trying to drive a wedge, that's the last thing I wanna do. But I know if this doesn't get nipped NOW, it's going to get worse. They're the kind of people who would come over unannounced and probably would want to be in the delivery room if we were to ever have children.

 

 

I can't spend my life with somebody who still wants to please daddy.

 

That day may never come.

 

Love is sweet. It's also a verb. Your boyfriend needs to be willing to stand up to his parents and risk losing them in order to stand by you and insist that he respect you and your relationship. He hasn't done that from what you've written.

 

When I speak of "heavy lifting", I'm talking about doing the emotional work and resolve required to demonstrate to his father that he is his own man who follows his own mind, not physical lifting. At this point in your relationship with him, there is no way his father should not be at the intersection of "act like you've got sense with my girlfriend or I'm through with both of you forever" and "I mean that and will do just that". From what you've said, he ain't there. THAT is what I mean by heavy lifting.

 

So you're going to have to find a way to be ok with him pleasing daddy until HE sees the wisdom in nipping that in the bud himself IF you insist upon staying with this particular guy. You can't do it for him. You trying to do it will result in him pushing back and not having your back, as you've already seen. He's got toxic parents and he needs to make unmistakably clear that respecting you and his relationship with you is non negotiable. Like with a quickness.

[kendahke]

Well IMO when parents require rent, they should be treating you as a tenant and not a child.

 

In other words, all the "my house my rules" crap goes out the Window and they shouldn't be imposing rules on you that a normal landlord wouldn't.

 

If I paid $600 in rent and my Parents tried to pull that **** on me (not letting girls be in my room with me), they would get a piece of my mind.

 

I pay rent for where I live and I can't do whatever I want with my place. I can't tear out the bathroom and put in what I want; I can't paint the walls whatever color I wish; I can't dig up the back yard and put in a flower garden; I can't let people not on my lease move in and live there with me. Anyone who is the property owner can and do impose restrictions in exchange for renting out space on their property, including parents. If you own it, you can do whatever you wish as long as it's within the laws and ordinances of your town or HOA.

 

A number of years back when my daughter was living with me, she was paying rent, but there were still rules to my house. Difference being I wasn't charging her a grip to stay there, so she was saving up for grad school; and she wouldn't presume to give me a piece of her mind and think she was still going to be living there. If you're grown enough to do that, then you need to be living on your own, even if all you can afford is a sketchy apartment.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

I pay rent for where I live and I can't do whatever I want with my place. I can't tear out the bathroom and put in what I want; I can't paint the walls whatever color I wish; I can't dig up the back yard and put in a flower garden; I can't let people not on my lease move in and live there with me. Anyone who is the property owner can and do impose restrictions in exchange for renting out space on their property, including parents. If you own it, you can do whatever you wish as long as it's within the laws and ordinances of your town or HOA.

 

A number of years back when my daughter was living with me, she was paying rent, but there were still rules to my house. Difference being I wasn't charging her a grip to stay there, so she was saving up for grad school; and she wouldn't presume to give me a piece of her mind and think she was still going to be living there. If you're grown enough to do that, then you need to be living on your own, even if all you can afford is a sketchy apartment.

 

Keep in mind I did say...

 

they shouldn't be imposing rules on you that a normal landlord wouldn't.

 

Yes, a normal landlord wouldn't appreciate you tearing down walls and ****. But they don't give a crap about who you're banging in your bedroom.

 

If parents are going to charge normal rent to their kids, they shouldn't be using "my roof my rules" to control their lives unnecessarily.

 

And yes I would give my parents a piece of my mind if they pulled that crap. If I pay $600/month, they shouldn't be telling me who I can or can't have in my bedroom.

Edited June 10, 2015 by barcode88

[stillafool]

I just feel sorry for all the parents who have their kids move back home. Paying rent or not, no thanks.

[pteromom]

I have several thoughts about this.

 

The first is that you need to separate things that affect YOU from things your bf accepts from his parents. You need to work on not getting mad if your bf chooses to do something you don't agree with. Obviously he is ok with his dad calling. Obviously he wants to please his parents. Obviously he is close with them. So you need to quit getting angry on his behalf. Learn to roll your eyes on the inside and be supportive of whatever your bf wants his relationship with his parents to be.

 

All families are different. You may go weeks without talking to your parents, but that isn't the case for him.

 

If something is DIRECTLY affecting you, that is when you speak up. Ask your bf to put his phone on vibrate in case his dad calls at 7AM. If his parents are doing something that directly affect your plans, discuss it with your bf and find a solution. Just don't expect that his relationship with his parents is going to magically change. They have been building that relationship their entire lives.

 

Also remember that if your relationship with your bf continues, and you end up marrying him, you will be getting his family as part of the deal. They will insist on seeing your children all the time. They will tell you how to parent. They will criticize your parenting. They will have something to say about everything you do as a wife and a mother. You have to decide if you are up for that or not. If you are able to just ignore them or not. If you can't get to that place, you should think long and hard about where your relationship is going.

 

I feel for you - being around negative critical people is difficult. And being in a situation where they have some level of control over what is going on in your life is frustrating. Just be sure not to take it out on your bf. This is how he grew up. It is what he knows.

[pteromom]

I've compromised A LOT. I get an ex girlfriend thrown in my face constantly because she was just so perfect, I get picked on for being too thin, I get eyes rolled at me whenever I speak, I get glares, I get scolded for my tattoo, I get told that they'd prefer for him to be at "home", etc. I put up with all of this BECAUSE I love him. So get outta here if you think I haven't compromised or if I'm trying to drive a wedge, that's the last thing I wanna do. But I know if this doesn't get nipped NOW, it's going to get worse. They're the kind of people who would come over unannounced and probably would want to be in the delivery room if we were to ever have children.

 

Yep, they are, and yep, they will.

 

If you want this to be "nipped", it has to come from your bf. Not in asking him not to talk to his parents as much or be as connected to them, but asking him to talk to them about insulting you, and ask them to stop.

 

Their dynamic may be such that it may be impossible for him though.

 

It may be easier for you to just learn to let the comments roll off your back, but that doesn't solve the bigger problem of them being overly invested in your lives.

 

You could always talk about moving out of state.

[kendahke]

Keep in mind I did say...

 

they shouldn't be imposing rules on you that a normal landlord wouldn't.

 

Yes, a normal landlord wouldn't appreciate you tearing down walls and ****. But they don't give a crap about who you're banging in your bedroom.

 

If parents are going to charge normal rent to their kids, they shouldn't be using "my roof my rules" to control their lives unnecessarily.

 

And yes I would give my parents a piece of my mind if they pulled that crap. If I pay $600/month, they shouldn't be telling me who I can or can't have in my bedroom.

 

As I said, if you're grown enough to do that, you're grown enough to live on your own.

[Vercetti]

I have several thoughts about this.

 

The first is that you need to separate things that affect YOU from things your bf accepts from his parents. You need to work on not getting mad if your bf chooses to do something you don't agree with. Obviously he is ok with his dad calling. Obviously he wants to please his parents. Obviously he is close with them. So you need to quit getting angry on his behalf. Learn to roll your eyes on the inside and be supportive of whatever your bf wants his relationship with his parents to be.

 

All families are different. You may go weeks without talking to your parents, but that isn't the case for him.

 

If something is DIRECTLY affecting you, that is when you speak up. Ask your bf to put his phone on vibrate in case his dad calls at 7AM. If his parents are doing something that directly affect your plans, discuss it with your bf and find a solution. Just don't expect that his relationship with his parents is going to magically change. They have been building that relationship their entire lives.

 

Also remember that if your relationship with your bf continues, and you end up marrying him, you will be getting his family as part of the deal. They will insist on seeing your children all the time. They will tell you how to parent. They will criticize your parenting. They will have something to say about everything you do as a wife and a mother. You have to decide if you are up for that or not. If you are able to just ignore them or not. If you can't get to that place, you should think long and hard about where your relationship is going.

 

I feel for you - being around negative critical people is difficult. And being in a situation where they have some level of control over what is going on in your life is frustrating. Just be sure not to take it out on your bf. This is how he grew up. It is what he knows.

 

Perhaps being with this girl is supposed to push him away from a dysfunctional dynamic that can only grow worse with time. Rolling eyes at phone calls and a man jumping through Jr high hoops with parents can only build resentment.

 

Projection of things I delt with. Grandparents keep my son for a few days and they give him his first haircut. Then they endless text wife doing a shake down of every meal / snack / bath / diaper change for years. They then endless advise on what son should be eating / doing, regardless that he is perfectly taken care of. It was all under the guise of care and helping. No excuse beyond they were toxic busy bodies and thier daughter will be 13 til the day she dies.

 

My only point is the op being in this relationship, she can be critical of things that negitivity effect her / her boyfriend / thier relationship / thier future. It's not a schoolyard where slander of parents is off limits. They are people, people that don't seem to have issue overstepping boundaries of other adults lifes. So I see no harm in rattling the cage some...worse case is op loses a forever boy and a couple of no life busy bodies. I'm projecting lots, just marriage / jobs / savings / investments / owning house and cars / a great child did not stop my EX-WIFES parent's. If anything made them worse as they would jump the shark to maintain influence and be relevant. They got offended when was reading child development books.....cause what need a book for they know everything.

 

My life is so much better. Built a house myself with new wife in a new city. We did all electrical / plumbing / carpenter work in two months after breaking ground. If I'm capable of things such as that, tell me how invasive in-laws are ever supposed to get clued in beyond thier child telling them to piss up a rope.

[beavs]

I talked to my boyfriend.

 

He agrees, his father is excessive with the phone calls and guilt tripping. I told him maybe he should talk to his dad to see if there's a reason why he's acting so clingy. He said he wasn't going to do that because he thinks he's just jealous because my parents get to "see him everyday" and his dad doesn't. I asked him if we lived by ourselves if things would be any different, because I don't think they would be. If anything, that would be worse because he'd probably "drop by" our house everyday instead of calling all the time.

 

He brushed it off, told me not to worry about it and he'll drop it eventually.

 

The reason the excessive phone calls bother me is because, at my boyfriend's new job, he's not supposed to have his phone. At all. He was told if they catch him with his phone outside of breaks, he would be fired. My dad helped him get this job and I think that's why the calling when he's at work bothers me so much. I don't want my dad looking like a fool to this company he's worked for for 21 years. I don't want my dad looking at my bf like wtf, dude, there was one rule and you couldn't follow it.

 

His dad's the type of person to call 2-3 times in a row if you don't answer. He knows boyfriend is at work. And the calls at work still haven't stopped. Boyfriend has been ignoring them, but wtf, you know he's busy. There's no reason to call when you know what he's doing. You know he can get in trouble. You know his work hours. I just don't get it. I guess I'm not supposed to "get it". Whatever.