aboucher21 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Hello, I am new to this forum but I have read other forums and have found them helpful but none of them quite match my situation. Anyways, my ex-girlfriend and I are both 19 and dated for 6 months which ended in April. We both attend the same college which is where we met. At the beginning it was evident that we were different: she was skeptical of many things such as relationships, meanwhile I am a hopeless romantic like Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother). Nonetheless we got along great in most aspects. My biggest issues were sexually and she was very emotional and overreacted a lot in my opinion. I am very laid back and just go with the flow because a lot of stuff is out of my control. We have both agreed that we are by far each others best partners and this was both our first serious relationship basically. I was sexually frustrated most of our relationship because she would never initiate anything and we only did it once every week or two and we saw each other everyday since we were at the same school. I felt like whenever we had sex she was doing me a service and it was a chore for her. It really got to me and we discussed this issue several times and she reassured me she enjoyed sex with me, she just didn't ever crave it (low sex drive). I dealt with it because she is amazing. She's intelligent, loyal and fun. Her parents were going through a divorce when we met so she was having tough times. I was always supportive of her and did whatever she needed. I went above and beyond for her constantly and she acknowledged that but it didn't quite seem like enough. Throughout the relationship, I experienced periods when I didn't want to be with her and I resented her in a way. I am not sure if that's normal or not. I don't think it is however. So finally in march, I was working a lot, school work and being with her became a lot. Like I said she is emotional and her divorce was still impacting her, she had car troubles and other problems and I was there every step of the way. Our affection tapered off during the end of our relationship and it all became too much. I felt like a therapist and more like a friend than a boyfriend. I put all of her needs before mine and as a result my needs were not being met. I like sex as much as the next guy and the lack of sex and affection got to me. I tried to do everything for her and she didn't even randomly kiss me anymore or show small signs of affection like that. I lost feelings for her for several weeks and I couldn't figure out why. I didn't want to be around her and everything she did made me angry. I guess I got bored with her you can say. She noticed I was more distant so we talked and I told her the truth, that I had lost feelings for her and it crushed her. We broke up but a week later we went for a walk and we tried to figure out what was wrong. I really couldn't put my finger on it. She wanted to get back together but I just couldn't do it because I didn't know what was wrong in the first place. 3 weeks passed by and it hit me like a train. I wanted this girl back, I know what went wrong and we can fix it. By this time she said she was really hurt and already began to move on. She wanted to remain friends though (She stays friends with all of her exes). So until the end of the school year we saw each other here and there and I just wanted to figure out how to get her back. Before we left for summer we talked and I told her how I felt about her and I made a mistake. I even gave her a handwritten letter which she claims to have read at least one hundred times. She told me it was unfair of her to have me wait for her to figure out what she wants and wanted me to move on. I decided I would not contact her as space would be good and during the first few weeks of vacation she texted me pretty much everyday and I couldn't not reply. Eventually I asked why she kept talking to me. It was basically that she had a connection with me that she didn't have with anyone else and she would hate to lose that because our relationship didn't work. She said she still cared about me a lot and my wellbeing but she wasn't sure if she lost all of her romantic feelings for me or just "buried" them. So about two weeks ago we agreed that we cant get back together and that if being friends is what she really wants I can try. I told her ill need space and time to move on and separate our relationship from friendship and she said she will do whatever I need and she will be waiting when I am ready. A week and a half of NC goes by and she texted me saying she knows I need space and doesn't want to confuse me but she hopes I am doing good and that she thinking about me. So I don't know what to do here. I was doing good in NC but that text messed with me even though Im sure its platonic. I personally don't believe in friends with exes but we were best friends and she really wants to remain close. I am telling myself I cant get her back and that I need to move on first and then figure out what I want. I don't think our relationship would be the same if we got back together but I do miss her. What do you guys think? Am I reading anything wrong? How do I go about this. Sorry for such lengthy post but it helped me vent. Thanks guys!
ravfour4 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I stopped reading halfway through because you're super young, this was both of your first relationships, you were very different people and you disliked her multiple times during the first 6m. No, that isn't normal, it's a sign that you aren't very compatible at all and you should look at this as a good learning experience. You don't want your first to be your last, use the lessons learned to find someone better. The only time you can be friends with her is if you are 100 percent certain you'd be fine seeing her with someone else, you aren't bothered when she texts you or if she doesn't respond and you know that you two are over. I doubt those things are true now and they won't ever be true until a prolonged period (months) of NC, at which point you'll probably have a much better gf and won't need her in your life. Stay strong and push forward
minime13 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Don't try to win her back, because you were too wishy-washy with her when you were together. Sounds like she was suffering through some depression and you didn't know how to handle it. You still don't, so nothing would change. Don't try to be her friend because you still have feelings for her. You may get to a point to where you can be her friend in the future, but you can't right now. 1
FistOfTheNorthStar Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I say let it go man. If it didn't work now then it won't work later on. As for the friends thing, you say you can't be friends with an ex so there it is man. Just move forward and focus on yourself. NC means blocking her from texting you as well. I say this because I'm in the same boat in a way. I really wished I could someday be friends with my ex but I know for a fact I can't. Main reason is she says I have to respect the person she is with now, really? Respect the guy you left me for? She changed because of him too and well no man not worth it. No more pain. As mentioned let this be a lesson learned, and enjoy your youth. I'm still young but when I look back it sucks that I ended up putting my life on hold for someone I tried to make a family with. Best of luck. -F
kasop Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) Wow. You talked alot about sex and the lack of. You dont build a relationship expecting to get all the sex you want. Sex comes naturally in a happy relationship. You act like she is obligated. Woman hate this. Lke you said "it felt like a service". This probably makes her feel terrible. Your 19 though so learn and move on. Dont evolve yourself anymore in this relationship. Nc. Edited June 9, 2015 by kasop 1
mystikmind2005 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I don't think you can expect emotions to never take a dive here and there in any relationship, that is why they invented a thing called 'commitment'. That thing you hold on to when you have nothing else, and that is what gets you through the hard times. You got suckered by your emotions, forgot about commitment and broke up with her. Such a HUGE COMMON mistake i don't even know where to begin, seriously people!
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