toscaroscura Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 They don't know....but if someone who had displayed such high enthusiasm and high interest just suddenly disappeared for no apparent reason...it might behoove the other person to find out. Or want to find out....IF that other person they really cared. Because maybe it *was* a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of things....one will never know until they actually talk to the other person. If they find out she/he just lost interest, then they know and can move on. But again wouldn't it be a shame if she assumed he wasn't that interested based on his activity on line? Like I said that damn site shows a person being "active on line" even they're not! Just saying... The dating world is full of future-fakers and sweet-talkers who come on like gangbusters then go "poof"! Unfortunately. He will never get a "reason" because likely there IS no reason. That's why, while I need definite interest from a man, any over-the-top love bombing makes me suspicious.
Gary S Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Listen to Gaeta... if the guy is changing pics on his profile, he's not into the woman, he's still shopping. 4
Keenly Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 They don't know....but if someone who had displayed such high enthusiasm and high interest just suddenly disappeared for no apparent reason...it might behoove the other person to find out. Or want to find out....IF that other person they really cared. Because maybe it *was* a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of things....one will never know until they actually talk to the other person. If they find out she/he just lost interest, then they know and can move on. But again wouldn't it be a shame if she assumed he wasn't that interested based on his activity on line? Like I said that damn site shows a person being "active on line" even they're not! Just saying... Why would a person waste their time attempting to communicate with some one who's first instinct was to bail? At that point I don't care why they bailed, because they bailed. Their actions showed me all that I needed to see. Why chase a person that bails? That makes you look weak.
toscaroscura Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Why would a person waste their time attempting to communicate with some one who's first instinct was to bail? At that point I don't care why they bailed, because they bailed. Their actions showed me all that I needed to see. Why chase a person that bails? That makes you look weak. Agreed. My dignity is more important than any lame "answers" I might get! IME people who come on super strong are rarely good relationship candidates. They love the chase, that "new infatuation" smell. They really know nothing about the person they are proclaiming all this love to! In love with love!
katiegrl Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Agreed. My dignity is more important than any lame "answers" I might get! IME people who come on super strong are rarely good relationship candidates. They love the chase, that "new infatuation" smell. They really know nothing about the person they are proclaiming all this love to! In love with love! Okay guys, you win. I was just offering a different perspective...after reading this thread. I have never had a man just disappear, and if things were going super well, and he was displaying such high enthusiasm, talking about future, I miss you, etc....and he just stopped all that, suddenly out of the blue, I am not so sure I could just "let that go.". I would want to know what's up because who the hell knows why he disappeared... I dunno...just me... But this thread is about KatZee...and her situation is different because she DID ask him what's up, he admitted he is still active on line, so that's that. Next imo but KZ has to do what is right for her!
losangelena Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I love how little the OP had contributed to this thread, yet 14 pages later it's still going strong. Clearly, the topic hit a nerve, but I think it all serves to highlight the fact that everybody goes about dating differently. As disappointed as I'd feel if I were Katzee, I think I'd also be inclined to hear the guy out. Sometimes people do come around; none of us are in this guy's head. My BF and I both had our profiles up for almost three months into dating. Did he update his profile during that time? I dunno—I wasn't necessarily checking. I wonder how Katzee would be feeling about the guy if she'd never found that out, and I bet it would still be positive. Sometimes you just have to let these things develop naturally, and I feel like he would have come around very soon. We read so much into one little action or another, when in reality they mean very little. OP was interpreting his plans for away trips as a sign of his seriousness, yet I've had friends who've been taken on romantic weekend getaways, only to be told afterward that the guy changed his mind. It's no indicator of seriousness, necessarily. On the flip side, it's easy to read his uploading of OLD photos as indicators of lack of interest, when maybe that means no such thing, either. I feel, especially in early dating, that we're not entitled to someone's complete attention or devotion. Let it develop. 3
Gaeta Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 I have never had a man just disappear, and if things were going super well, and he was displaying such high enthusiasm, talking about future, I miss you, etc....and he just stopped all that, suddenly out of the blue, I am not so sure I could just "let that go.". I would want to know what's up because who the hell knows why he disappeared... First time it's done to us we feel betrayed and disrespected and we want to know why. When it's been done several times, like some of us have experienced, we don't care to know anymore. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 First time it's done to us we feel betrayed and disrespected and we want to know why. When it's been done several times, like some of us have experienced, we don't care to know anymore. When a man is doing so many things that are good and making you feel more for him and then you focus on one little blip without communicating about it, it's disrespectful to the man to negate all his effort up to that point and make assumptions based on that. This is about balance too. The scale was heaviest on the positive side. It was worth the effort to get clarification. If a woman is feeling betrayed and disrespected MANY times, it's more likely to be something in the way she's dealing with dates and the process than it is with the people she's dating. 1
Author KatZee Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 I love how little the OP had contributed to this thread, yet 14 pages later it's still going strong. Clearly, the topic hit a nerve, but I think it all serves to highlight the fact that everybody goes about dating differently. As disappointed as I'd feel if I were Katzee, I think I'd also be inclined to hear the guy out. Sometimes people do come around; none of us are in this guy's head. My BF and I both had our profiles up for almost three months into dating. Did he update his profile during that time? I dunno—I wasn't necessarily checking. I wonder how Katzee would be feeling about the guy if she'd never found that out, and I bet it would still be positive. Sometimes you just have to let these things develop naturally, and I feel like he would have come around very soon. We read so much into one little action or another, when in reality they mean very little. OP was interpreting his plans for away trips as a sign of his seriousness, yet I've had friends who've been taken on romantic weekend getaways, only to be told afterward that the guy changed his mind. It's no indicator of seriousness, necessarily. On the flip side, it's easy to read his uploading of OLD photos as indicators of lack of interest, when maybe that means no such thing, either. I feel, especially in early dating, that we're not entitled to someone's complete attention or devotion. Let it develop. Bwahahahah!!! I know!!! I've enjoyed reading everyone's responses. I was stuck at court all day yesterday so wasn't on much but every time i take a peek I'm like "dang this is a hot one!!" So small update, he called to talk more. Said he was sorry again, that he wasn't on it even talking to anyone and he really likes me and that he should delete it. He was worried I was really mad at him and said he could only imagine how that conversation even went down with my friend. Still on same path: pulling back and watching his actions. He's had all good responses thus far, he's still initiating with me. I can see this progressing and making us closer as I believe Gaeta mentioned. 2
Lansing Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Just be careful that you don't pull back too far and sabotage things. Thanks for the update 1
Author KatZee Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 Just be careful that you don't pull back too far and sabotage things. Thanks for the update I was actually just thinking about that. I always wind up screwing things up in some form or another. Its a hard line to walk for me, being a Libra, hopeless romantic, we fall fast, dive in deep, wear our hearts on our sleeves. At the same time its VERY easy to have a cold aloof exterior, being an air sign. We are walking contradictions. Its something I have to work hard at.
katiegrl Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Bwahahahah!!! I know!!! I've enjoyed reading everyone's responses. I was stuck at court all day yesterday so wasn't on much but every time i take a peek I'm like "dang this is a hot one!!" So small update, he called to talk more. Said he was sorry again, that he wasn't on it even talking to anyone and he really likes me and that he should delete it. He was worried I was really mad at him and said he could only imagine how that conversation even went down with my friend. Still on same path: pulling back and watching his actions. He's had all good responses thus far, he's still initiating with me. I can see this progressing and making us closer as I believe Gaeta mentioned. KatZee that is awesome! And what is the message here? Communicate!! I mean that's exactly what you did (as uncomfortable as it was)....and the result was that it brought you two closer together...and I have no doubt now you will be exclusive very soon! I think this thread has taught me a thing or two also..... Anyhoo Kat, good luck, and keep us posted! 1
Gaeta Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Bwahahahah!!! I know!!! I've enjoyed reading everyone's responses. I was stuck at court all day yesterday so wasn't on much but every time i take a peek I'm like "dang this is a hot one!!" So small update, he called to talk more. Said he was sorry again, that he wasn't on it even talking to anyone and he really likes me and that he should delete it. He was worried I was really mad at him and said he could only imagine how that conversation even went down with my friend. Still on same path: pulling back and watching his actions. He's had all good responses thus far, he's still initiating with me. I can see this progressing and making us closer as I believe Gaeta mentioned. Wonderful ! It was impossible for this event to keep things at status quo. It was going to go downhill or pick up some speed! I am glad he recognizes how uncomfortable it was to see him do what he did. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 One thing I like is that Kat essentially initiated the exclusive talk when she says that she never usually does. This just goes to show that when a woman really likes a guy, she is willing to initiate and put herself out there. In my opinion, this is the natural order. Feminine energy is about securing an emotional connection and commitment. Masculine energy is about taking action to make a woman feel appreciated and safe. So a woman reaches out more, the guy takes the hint and plans dates. Or when she doesn't want to let her man get away, she hints or brings up exclusivity and the guy finalizes the conversation if that's what he wants. When a guy over pursues or pushes for commitment before a woman hints that she's ready, it can actually drive her away. That's why it takes more strength as a guy to be patient and let a woman warm up to you. 2
JJCaliGirl Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 (edited) One thing I like is that Kat essentially initiated the exclusive talk when she says that she never usually does. This just goes to show that when a woman really likes a guy, she is willing to initiate and put herself out there. In my opinion, this is the natural order. Feminine energy is about securing an emotional connection and commitment. Masculine energy is about taking action to make a woman feel appreciated and safe. So a woman reaches out more, the guy takes the hint and plans dates. Or when she doesn't want to let her man get away, she hints or brings up exclusivity and the guy finalizes the conversation if that's what he wants. When a guy over pursues or pushes for commitment before a woman hints that she's ready, it can actually drive her away. That's why it takes more strength as a guy to be patient and let a woman warm up to you. But what about it in my situation when I have told him that I'm only seeing him, we are intimate, and he's still maintains an active OLD profile and dating others. I'm afraid the answer is that he sees it as casual sex and nothing more. I didn't want to end up in this situation by any means, but it appears that it has. Again, I don't want to be exclusive quite yet, but I would at least want him to not be a multi-dater since we are having sex. Kat, I'm glad that your situation has turned out to be a positive thing and you created this thread! Like Katie, I've learned a lot and think I need to cut this guy loose and don't look back. Next?! Edited June 11, 2015 by JJCaliGirl
Redhead14 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 One thing I like is that Kat essentially initiated the exclusive talk when she says that she never usually does. This just goes to show that when a woman really likes a guy, she is willing to initiate and put herself out there. In my opinion, this is the natural order. Feminine energy is about securing an emotional connection and commitment. Masculine energy is about taking action to make a woman feel appreciated and safe. So a woman reaches out more, the guy takes the hint and plans dates. Or when she doesn't want to let her man get away, she hints or brings up exclusivity and the guy finalizes the conversation if that's what he wants. When a guy over pursues or pushes for commitment before a woman hints that she's ready, it can actually drive her away. That's why it takes more strength as a guy to be patient and let a woman warm up to you. I agree for the most part, FF. However, if there is true cynergy and connection between the two, that conversation happens more naturally. In other words, they both kinda already know they're on that page and so less reluctance for either of them to bring it up. This is a case though, where they kinda were both just getting to that point maybe so she was kinda on the cusp here. I think this will develop a little bit more now, they both handled it pretty well. But still there is no guarantee ever.
Gaeta Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 One thing I like is that Kat essentially initiated the exclusive talk when she says that she never usually does. This just goes to show that when a woman really likes a guy, she is willing to initiate and put herself out there. In my opinion, this is the natural order. Feminine energy is about securing an emotional connection and commitment. Masculine energy is about taking action to make a woman feel appreciated and safe. So a woman reaches out more, the guy takes the hint and plans dates. Or when she doesn't want to let her man get away, she hints or brings up exclusivity and the guy finalizes the conversation if that's what he wants. When a guy over pursues or pushes for commitment before a woman hints that she's ready, it can actually drive her away. That's why it takes more strength as a guy to be patient and let a woman warm up to you. Interesting because the relationships I initiated the exclusive talk didn't make it far past that talk and the relationships that the man came forward with the exclusivity we had a much longer and healthier relationship. If a man doesn't come off of online on his own I doubt he's really ready for exclusivity.
Redhead14 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Interesting because the relationships I initiated the exclusive talk didn't make it far past that talk and the relationships that the man came forward with the exclusivity we had a much longer and healthier relationship. If a man doesn't come off of online on his own I doubt he's really ready for exclusivity. It's not that the woman brings it up first. It's usually the way she does it and says it. If the man was thinking about exclusivity, he doesn't change his mind because she addressed it first if she's done it "right". If she does it and it feels like any kind of pressure from her, he will at least recoil and cause him to pull away sometimes. Men don't like to feel pressured. No one does really, but the response to that is usually negative by default. All she should do is plant the seed for him to know she's open to that, and if he was there too, he'll "seal the deal". If she's done it right and he doesn't do that, it means he wasn't there anyway. 1
Gaeta Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 It's not that the woman brings it up first. It's usually the way she does it and says it. If the man was thinking about exclusivity, he doesn't change his mind because she addressed it first if she's done it "right". If she does it and it feels like any kind of pressure from her, he will at least recoil and cause him to pull away sometimes. Men don't like to feel pressured. No one does really, but the response to that is usually negative by default. All she should do is plant the seed for him to know she's open to that, and if he was there too, he'll "seal the deal". If she's done it right and he doesn't do that, it means he wasn't there anyway. You are such a patient woman. I am not good at planting seeds. Last time I decided to bring exclusivity up myself I said to him: Delete that thing if you want to see me again. :-)
katiegrl Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 One thing I like is that Kat essentially initiated the exclusive talk when she says that she never usually does. This just goes to show that when a woman really likes a guy, she is willing to initiate and put herself out there. In my opinion, this is the natural order. Feminine energy is about securing an emotional connection and commitment. Masculine energy is about taking action to make a woman feel appreciated and safe. So a woman reaches out more, the guy takes the hint and plans dates. Or when she doesn't want to let her man get away, she hints or brings up exclusivity and the guy finalizes the conversation if that's what he wants. When a guy over pursues or pushes for commitment before a woman hints that she's ready, it can actually drive her away. That's why it takes more strength as a guy to be patient and let a woman warm up to you. True and kudos to Kat for doing so. But you can't disregard all the other posts from women who advised her to just walk away...a few even suggested NOT talking to him at all, and either walk away (that is what I and a few others advised) or say nothing, continue dating him and see what happens. So it is NOT always true that if a woman is truly interested SHE will initiate the exclusive talk. In fact, I would say that in most cases, the woman waits for the MAN to bring up exclusivity...as Kat herself admitted early in this thread. As the masculine energy, the man LEADS the relationship, HE is the pursuer, the woman is the responder. And no I am sorry but it does NOT take more strength for the man to sit back and wait for the woman to step up. That is passive behavior, which is NOT masculine. JMO
fitnessfan365 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 True and kudos to Kat for doing so. But you can't disregard all the other posts from women who advised her to just walk away...a few even suggested NOT talking to him. So it is NOT always true that if a woman is truly interested SHE will initiate the exclusive talk. In fact, I would say that in most cases, the woman waits for the MAN to bring up exclusivity...as Kat herself admitted early in this thread. As the masculine energy, the man LEADS the relationship, HE is the pursuer, the woman is the responder. And no I am sorry but it does NOT take more strength for the man to sit back and wait for the woman to step up. That is passive behavior, which is NOT masculine. JMO But as I said before, my point is that when a woman meets the right guy for her, that sitting back and letting the man doing all the pursuing nonsense goes out the window. She makes an exception because she doesn't want to lose him. A man is still leading by planning dates when a woman reaches out "just to say hi" more and more often and he is still leading by finalizing the discussion. However, since he is the right guy, a woman gets more invested and puts herself out there more than she would for the average guy who she believes should do all the work. BTW - Being patient and not trying to force a woman to go at your speed takes a lot of strength and confidence IMO. When a guy wants to rush a woman into exclusivity before she's ready, or pursues her too much, it's based on insecurity and trying to lock her down. Letting a woman at least hint that she's ready for commitment shows security and confidence that she'd always get there. 3
Redhead14 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 (edited) But as I said before, my point is that when a woman meets the right guy for her, that sitting back and letting the man doing all the pursuing nonsense goes out the window. She makes an exception because she doesn't want to lose him. A man is still leading by planning dates when a woman reaches out "just to say hi" more and more often and he is still leading by finalizing the discussion. However, since he is the right guy, a woman gets more invested and puts herself out there more than she would for the average guy who she believes should do all the work. BTW - Being patient and not trying to force a woman to go at your speed takes a lot of strength and confidence IMO. When a guy wants to rush a woman into exclusivity before she's ready, or pursues her too much, it's based on insecurity and trying to lock her down. Letting a woman at least hint that she's ready for commitment shows security and confidence that she'd always get there. Letting a woman at least hint that she's ready for commitment shows security and confidence that she'd always get there. -- Exactly. It's OK for the woman to hint, but not pressure him. It's a two-way street. Again, this is about balance. The man is "pursuing" in the right way, etc., she needs to balance it by showing the same level of interest and, for lack of a better word, reward that by putting it out there in some way that his pursuit is welcomed and being reciprocated. All that aside, some guys need to be hit on the head in order for him to get the message You just have to know what kind of guy you're dealing with . . . Edited June 11, 2015 by Redhead14
katiegrl Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 (edited) But as I said before, my point is that when a woman meets the right guy for her, that sitting back and letting the man doing all the pursuing nonsense goes out the window. She makes an exception because she doesn't want to lose him. A man is still leading by planning dates when a woman reaches out "just to say hi" more and more often and he is still leading by finalizing the discussion. However, since he is the right guy, a woman gets more invested and puts herself out there more than she would for the average guy who she believes should do all the work. BTW - Being patient and not trying to force a woman to go at your speed takes a lot of strength and confidence IMO. When a guy wants to rush a woman into exclusivity before she's ready, or pursues her too much, it's based on insecurity and trying to lock her down. Letting a woman at least hint that she's ready for commitment shows security and confidence that she'd always get there. I never said it's okay for the man do to ALL the pursuing. And no one is suggesting a man RUSH a woman into exclusivity. I only suggested that in many cases, it is the man who initiates the conversation (pursues) and the woman responds. I don't know what you mean by "hinting." Do you mean respond positively to his pursuit? Take an equal role in initiating and planning dates? If so I agree!! But I still think in many cases, she will wait for the man to initiate the exclusivity talk. Again, JMO Edited June 11, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Posters request. ~T
Keenly Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 Letting a woman at least hint that she's ready for commitment shows security and confidence that she'd always get there. -- Exactly. It's OK for the woman to hint, but not pressure him. It's a two-way street. Again, this is about balance. The man is "pursuing" in the right way, etc., she needs to balance it by showing the same level of interest and, for lack of a better word, reward that by putting it out there in some way that his pursuit is welcomed and being reciprocated. All that aside, some guys need to be hit on the head in order for him to get the message You just have to know what kind of guy you're dealing with . . . Yeah... I'm that guy. People on LS have very generously pointed out that I can't even tell when a girl is flirting with me, let alone likes me or wants a relationship. If you want something, just say s. Don't hint at it or wait for. Take it for yourself.
Redhead14 Posted June 12, 2015 Posted June 12, 2015 You are such a patient woman. I am not good at planting seeds. Last time I decided to bring exclusivity up myself I said to him: Delete that thing if you want to see me again. :-) Gaeta, dating is a little bit like trying to get a timid rabbit to let you be close and pet it. You put down a little bit of food, step back and let them eat. You don't put down all the food you have and you don't rush at them. Do this a few times. Put down a little more food and step back but stay just a little bit closer each time. If it's the "right" rabbit, you will be able to pet it at some point
Recommended Posts