Walking Away The Only Choice?

[BluEyeL]

I don't know, I think this incident should bring them closer and give a new definition to their relationship, not push them apart by dating others. A relationship is suppose to evolve not degrade.

But it wasn't a relationship just yet. Disagreements early on are more of a problem because the bond is too fragile

 

Good job texting him Katzee.

 

And indeed him uploading pics shows shallow investment even for 1 month in. So if he doesn't resurface I think you may have dpdged a bullet.

[fitnessfan365]

^^^^^THIS^^^^^

 

Once two people meet IRL it's not online dating anymore ...... as everyone here knows.

 

If you have a connection with someone, have met them a few times, and it seems to be progressing, why NOT hide your profile? Why not give the relationship a chance to grow by focusing solely on that specific person?

 

The only reasons I can see someone not strongly advocating for such a philosophy is if they are only interested in casual, or don't feel strongly about the person they are dating.

 

People who are OLD need to walk that thin line between protecting yourself, but at the same time allowing some semblance of vulnerability ...... otherwise you'll burn out and become jaded.

 

I'm a big believer in communication even in the early stages of dating. I'm going to let someone know what I expect and I want to know what their needs are too. I mean, we're all adults, why beat around the bush? As others have mentioned, if the person truly likes you, and wants the relationship to evolve, they are not going to be put off from such conversations ...... especially if it's one month in.

 

BTW, I never thought Kat's friend was "out of line" or "did anything wrong" ...... he just didn't seem fully invested ...... making her his sole focus after a month of dating. He has the right to remain active on the dating site and upload new pics if he wants, but those aren't the actions of someone looking for an exclusive relationship after one month of dating.

 

I'll hide my profile after a few dates if I'm into someone ...... and yes ...... before we have had sex. I don't want to waste anybody's time or unnecessarily hurt people. My earlier advice to Kat, regarding walking away, was to protect herself. She isn't interested in multi-dating and wants a long term meaningful relationship. If her needs aren't being met, or her friend is not on the same page communication wise, then why proceed further? To me, that seems like a recipe for anxiety, depression, and potential heartache.

 

Finally, I'll just say I'm supportive that Kat texted him. She needed to get that off of her chest whether they continue to date or not. Putting herself out there again, after their last exchange, took courage IMO. I hope something positive comes of it and they continue to date, but I'm happy to see Kat mention she is taking a step back mentally to protect herself.

 

"Online dating" has become more of a mentality with a lot of people these days in terms of short attention spans. In the old days when people would meet organically, they'd stick with someone, communicate, etc if things were good overall. Why? Meeting people was much harder and they were more invested. Now with online dating, meeting someone new is as easy as ordering out for pizza.

 

This makes the "grass is greener" syndrome so much more apparent today. Women especially have so many options now. They tend to disappear, fade out, etc the second things aren't storybook ideal. Now with that said, she never told him that she only dates one at a time. She's also said that she believes the guy should bring up exclusivity. That's why he had no idea where he stands with her. As he says, if there was a name for what they are, his profile would be down.

 

I mean anyone who has seen Kat's pic will tell you she's one of the hottest women on this site. Combine that with how well the dates were going, and a guy isn't going to walk away from a beautiful woman he genuinely likes. But since he was unsure of what she wanted, he was keeping a back up plan just in case. But hopefully now that Kat made her intentions/feelings more clear, it will put him at ease and things will keep progressing as they should.

[Gaeta]

But it wasn't a relationship just yet. Disagreements early on are more of a problem because the bond is too fragile.

 

It was not an official exclusive relationship but it was a relationship. Any kind of regular interaction you have with someone is a relationship.

 

Now their casual relationship should move up to being exclusive pretty soon.

[JJCaliGirl]

This thread got me thinking about my current situation. It's been a great argument between my head and heart all day. I don't mean to hijack this thread, but it is exactly what is happening with me. The exception is that he hasn't outright said he's still on Match or OKC or something else, but there are signs that lead me to believe I'm not the only one he's kissing.

 

Long story short, we have known each other for awhile: met online even. Things made sense early on, but my life got super busy and I just couldn't commit to us, so we took some time away from each other. It was a mutual decision. Things are much calmer now, and we decided to keep things kind of casual but pick off where we left off. He did mention that he was concerned that my life would get hectic again, but I told him that I was mentally prepared to make sacrifices to make us work.

 

It's been a little over a month, and while our time together is sexually charged, we have a good time together without ripping each other's clothes off. Granted, now that I think about it, I believe it's more me than him who can keep us in check. That's another thread altogether I think.

 

He complained before about me not initiating our conversations, but when I do, text messages take hours (8+) and phone calls aren't answered until the following day. I know his schedule and only choose times when I know he's not busy with work or his family. I figure he's out on dates during this time, because that's the only reason why he would ignore me.

 

I don't want to bag on him, so I'll be honest about something...I'm the one who actually asked that we don't label this because labels kind of scare me. He's been cool with that because when I've brought up the dating others thing, I make it clear that I'm not interested in dating others. He has never qualified his own stance with dating others. I recently told him I feel about him (not the L word) in a very intimate moment, and he just said thank you. He has told me he likes having me in his life, that he feels complete.

 

I guess my fear and what I've been arguing about is this, in many ways, I've committed to just him and he sees this as a casual sexual fling and is looking for that perfect girl on the side. Do I want him kissing other girls? Heck no! And forget about all the other bases! I know some of you have mentioned that when things are beyond the first handful of dates, it makes sense to hide your profile or stop looking altogether.

 

Anyways, I'm not looking for answers, but feel free to give your opinion. We have a date in a few days...a public date at his request. I'm feeling like I need to have that a similar talk that the OP did to either clear up my concerns. I just wonder if I do, if he will be honest. See what I'm talking about with my head and heart?!

[minime13]

I agree... but you see, he called it quits. Is it ok for her to just wait for his call when he updated his profile and is prob seeing other people ? Why shouldn't she just go out on a date or two and meet new people?

 

if the old guy comes back and has a nice story to tell, sure, why not...

 

just... I'm sorry, I really hope this works out, but don't keep you hopes up too high, ok?

 

He didn't call it quits, and what you're suggesting is that she play games.

 

That's not going to help anything.

[KatZee]

He didn't call it quits, and what you're suggesting is that she play games.

 

That's not going to help anything.

 

No. I'm going to continue being true to who I am regardless of anything.

[Rejected Rosebud]

she would not be dating them, just meeting them. You have the right to meet people, before deciding whom to date, no?

But she is strongly AGAINST this according to this thread and to do it just to get back at him is really nowhere!!

[Gaeta]

This thread got me thinking about my current situation. It's been a great argument between my head and heart all day. I don't mean to hijack this thread, but it is exactly what is happening with me. The exception is that he hasn't outright said he's still on Match or OKC or something else, but there are signs that lead me to believe I'm not the only one he's kissing.

 

Long story short, we have known each other for awhile: met online even. Things made sense early on, but my life got super busy and I just couldn't commit to us, so we took some time away from each other. It was a mutual decision. Things are much calmer now, and we decided to keep things kind of casual but pick off where we left off. He did mention that he was concerned that my life would get hectic again, but I told him that I was mentally prepared to make sacrifices to make us work.

 

It's been a little over a month, and while our time together is sexually charged, we have a good time together without ripping each other's clothes off. Granted, now that I think about it, I believe it's more me than him who can keep us in check. That's another thread altogether I think.

 

He complained before about me not initiating our conversations, but when I do, text messages take hours (8+) and phone calls aren't answered until the following day. I know his schedule and only choose times when I know he's not busy with work or his family. I figure he's out on dates during this time, because that's the only reason why he would ignore me.

 

I don't want to bag on him, so I'll be honest about something...I'm the one who actually asked that we don't label this because labels kind of scare me. He's been cool with that because when I've brought up the dating others thing, I make it clear that I'm not interested in dating others. He has never qualified his own stance with dating others. I recently told him I feel about him (not the L word) in a very intimate moment, and he just said thank you. He has told me he likes having me in his life, that he feels complete.

 

I guess my fear and what I've been arguing about is this, in many ways, I've committed to just him and he sees this as a casual sexual fling and is looking for that perfect girl on the side. Do I want him kissing other girls? Heck no! And forget about all the other bases! I know some of you have mentioned that when things are beyond the first handful of dates, it makes sense to hide your profile or stop looking altogether.

 

Anyways, I'm not looking for answers, but feel free to give your opinion. We have a date in a few days...a public date at his request. I'm feeling like I need to have that a similar talk that the OP did to either clear up my concerns. I just wonder if I do, if he will be honest. See what I'm talking about with my head and heart?!

 

You should start a new thread hon so we can don't mix both stories.

[KatZee]

But she is strongly AGAINST this according to this thread and to do it just to get back at him is really nowhere!!

 

I would never do anything to be spiteful. As you can see from these posts I just always do what I feel is right for me, while taking advice into consideration I often find myself just following my heart. I don't want to play games. I'll just pull back a bit and rein it in.

 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I think he responded well. If he didn't I would def say screw it he's not for me. But the fact he got it and didn't fault me for it was good.

Edited June 10, 2015 by KatZee

[toscaroscura]

I would never do anything to be spiteful. As you can see from these posts I just always do what I feel is right for me, while taking advice into consideration I often find myself just following my heart. I don't want to play games. I'll just pull back a bit and rein it in.

 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I think he responded well. If he didn't I would def say screw it he's not for me. But the fact he got it and didn't fault me for it was good.

 

I'm just like you. Some daters think it's wrong to wear your heart on your sleeve but I figure, if that freaks a man out, then he certainly isn't going to like me for the long haul.

[katiegrl]

"Online dating" has become more of a mentality with a lot of people these days in terms of short attention spans. In the old days when people would meet organically, they'd stick with someone, communicate, etc if things were good overall. Why? Meeting people was much harder and they were more invested. Now with online dating, meeting someone new is as easy as ordering out for pizza.

 

***This makes the "grass is greener" syndrome so much more apparent today. Women especially have so many options now. They tend to disappear, fade out, etc the second things aren't storybook ideal. Now with that said, she never told him that she only dates one at a time. She's also said that she believes the guy should bring up exclusivity. That's why he had no idea where he stands with her. As he says, if there was a name for what they are, his profile would be down. ***

 

I mean anyone who has seen Kat's pic will tell you she's one of the hottest women on this site. Combine that with how well the dates were going, and a guy isn't going to walk away from a beautiful woman he genuinely likes. But since he was unsure of what she wanted, he was keeping a back up plan just in case. But hopefully now that Kat made her intentions/feelings more clear, it will put him at ease and things will keep progressing as they should.

 

Second paragraph.... if he was concerned about where he stood with her, why not be a grown up and TALK to her about it? I mean now look what happened. KZ was all set to take it to the next level with him sexually (they were discussing weekend getaway)...and because of discovering his recent activity on line, she is pulling back (as well she should)..

 

Had he talked to her about his concerns and where he stood, etc., instead of just going on line and searching for a "back up"... then instead of becoming distant, they would have gotten closer and taken that weekend getaway and maybe even fallen in love!

 

And maybe you can explain to me this concept of having a " back up." WTF, a man can't be alone for two minutes if the relationship doesn't work out? He has to have a "back up"?

 

If a man really digs a chick, and she digs him, why not focus on each other, and IF it doesn't work out, go back on line then!

 

And what about the women he's communicating with on line, perhaps even meeting during this time... while he is in a relationship with another woman (and like Gaeta explained a month of steady dating = relationship). Is that fair to them? No it's not, it's misleading them because the reality is .... he is dating another woman!

 

Maybe he's only texting and not meeting. Still..ff you have said yourself you hate it when women want a texting buddy. Ha...maybe YOU are "their" back up!

 

And all these women on this board who complain the men they're texting with NEVER ask them out, maybe "they're" all back ups too!

 

I'm sorry, I just don't get it. It's not right. If you're dating a chick and you're afraid she's just gonna up and leave, then something is wrong in the relationship. At which point you either talk to her about it...or just walk away.

 

Not look for a "back up" on line. That's just so wrong on so many levels. IMO.

 

Okay done with my rant....:bunny:

Edited June 10, 2015 by katiegrl

[Leigh 87]

Second paragraph.... if he was concerned about where he stood with her, why not be a grown up and TALK to her about it? I mean now look what happened. KZ was all set to take it to the next level with him sexually (they were discussing weekend getaway)...and because of discovering his recent activity on line, she is pulling back (as well she should)..

 

Had he talked to her about his concerns and where he stood, etc., instead of just going on line and searching for a "back up"... then instead of becoming distant, they would have gotten closer and taken that weekend getaway and maybe even fallen in love!

 

And maybe you can explain to me this concept of having a " back up." WTF, a man can't be alone for two minutes if the relationship doesn't work out? He has to have a "back up"?

 

If a man really digs a chick, and she digs him, why not focus on each other, and IF it doesn't work out, go back on line then!

 

And what about the women he's communicating with on line, perhaps even meeting during this time... while he is in a relationship with another woman (and like Gaeta explained a month of steady dating = relationship). Is that fair to them? No it's not, it's misleading them because the reality is .... he is dating another woman!

 

Maybe he's only texting and not meeting. Still..ff you have said yourself you hate it when women want a texting buddy. Ha...maybe YOU are "their" back up!

 

And all these women on this board who complain the men they're texting with NEVER ask them out, maybe "they're" all back ups too!

 

I'm sorry, I just don't get it. It's not right. If you're dating a chick and you're afraid she's just gonna up and leave, then something is wrong in the relationship. At which point you either talk to her about it...or just walk away.

 

Not look for a "back up" on line. That's just so wrong on so many levels. IMO.

 

Okay done with my rant....:bunny:

 

 

I used to do this.

 

I'd be really into a guy and I'd be afraid he'd not be as into me, would dissapear or just be lying and pretending to be into me in order to get sex.

 

So I'd still look around after the first date or so. Not because I wasn't into him. I never asked men are into me for more than sex; and they never are. Hence the " back ups "

 

I've lost out on some men I was truly into. Men and women and sniff if their dating partner is still looking.

 

I end it when men still admit to being online after the first date or two. I can do better and find a guy who thinks I'm just gorgeous and he can't get enough of me and other women will pale in comparison.

[Leigh 87]

So I don't do back up plans. Not anymore.

 

I give the guy half a chance.

 

They always prove to disappear when I don't put out or have sex with them so far but hey, one of these days I'll find a guy who's SO into me and things I'm a sexy quirky girl that I am and he won't let go or sniff about for better options

 

Stay strong Katz, you're hot and obviously a great catch. The right guy will be baffled as to why these losers treated you like a mere option.

 

I don't stand for being treated like an option anymore. Men who come on strong and then act distant, treat me like an afterthought.......

[ascendotum]

I used to do this.

 

I'd be really into a guy and I'd be afraid he'd not be as into me, would dissapear or just be lying and pretending to be into me in order to get sex.

 

So I'd still look around after the first date or so. Not because I wasn't into him. I never asked men are into me for more than sex; and they never are. Hence the " back ups "

 

I end it when men still admit to being online after the first date or two. I can do better and find a guy who thinks I'm just gorgeous and he can't get enough of me and other women will pale in comparison.

 

 

Hey L. So if you spot a guy back online after the 1st or 2nd date, you assume he's not that into so you then write him off. Yet, you are also back online on the same site spotting him, and admit to still keeping your options open because you were worried they were not that into you.

So when he spots you online or you go silent on him because you spotted him online, to him it likely justifies a good first date means nothing because the women go back online to still looking for what else takes her fancy. You're both riding the same 'keep lookin jus in case he/she not into me' carousel. Crazy,though I see you say you don't play that anymore,but I wonder how many women do.

[fitnessfan365]

Second paragraph.... if he was concerned about where he stood with her, why not be a grown up and TALK to her about it? I mean now look what happened. KZ was all set to take it to the next level with him sexually (they were discussing weekend getaway)...and because of discovering his recent activity on line, she is pulling back (as well she should)..

 

Had he talked to her about his concerns and where he stood, etc., instead of just going on line and searching for a "back up"... then instead of becoming distant, they would have gotten closer and taken that weekend getaway and maybe even fallen in love!

 

And maybe you can explain to me this concept of having a " back up." WTF, a man can't be alone for two minutes if the relationship doesn't work out? He has to have a "back up"?

 

If a man really digs a chick, and she digs him, why not focus on each other, and IF it doesn't work out, go back on line then!

 

And what about the women he's communicating with on line, perhaps even meeting during this time... while he is in a relationship with another woman (and like Gaeta explained a month of steady dating = relationship). Is that fair to them? No it's not, it's misleading them because the reality is .... he is dating another woman!

 

Maybe he's only texting and not meeting. Still..ff you have said yourself you hate it when women want a texting buddy. Ha...maybe YOU are "their" back up!

 

And all these women on this board who complain the men they're texting with NEVER ask them out, maybe "they're" all back ups too!

 

I'm sorry, I just don't get it. It's not right. If you're dating a chick and you're afraid she's just gonna up and leave, then something is wrong in the relationship. At which point you either talk to her about it...or just walk away.

 

Not look for a "back up" on line. That's just so wrong on so many levels. IMO.

 

Okay done with my rant....:bunny:

 

You misunderstood Katie.

 

I didn't say he was searching for a "back up girl". I said that my guess is that him keeping his profile up/current was a back up plan in case Kat bailed. After all, keeping a profile current doesn't mean he is necessarily dealing with other women. That's an assumption that Kat made because of the new pics.

 

I honestly believe that he wants Kat. That's why he said that he wanted there to be a name for what they are. If he was seeing other women, he'd actually be trying to steer the conversation away from commitment wouldn't he? He wouldn't be trying to feel out a label.

 

Finally, people have access to way more options and it's a lot easier to meet people. So until you actually become exclusive with someone, there's always a chance they could bail. I mean look at Ms Executive for instance. All she ever did was go on and on about how compatible we were, how I made her weak in the knees, and talk about future plans. On our final date, she seemed the most enthusiastic she'd ever been. But then she just disappeared on me out of nowhere. Stuff like that happens all the time in the dating world now. So it's not that you think there is anything wrong with the "relationship" per say. You're just hedging your bets until exclusivity is established.

[katiegrl]

Based on what he said, it looks like I called it earlier in the thread.

 

As I suspected, he wasn't sure where he stood with you.

 

**After all, you never bring up exclusivity and I'm guessing he doesn't know you only date one guy at a time. That's why I'm guessing he was keeping a back up plan in case you bailed.**

 

As he said, if you two had a definition of what you are, he wouln't be on the dating site. So when you reached out today and showed him that you were invested, it put his mind at ease and that's why he responded so well.

 

Hope it keeps going well!

 

^^^No I did not misunderstand fitnessfan. Read your own post above specifically what is quoted in asterisk (I can't bold on my tablet).

 

Can you clarify what you mean by he was keeoing a *back up plan"?

 

And again, if he was unsure about the status of the relationship, and that it needed defining, why not just talk to her about it?? Why was he relying on Kat to bring that up? And since she didn't, he goes on line, updates pics, etc looking for a back up plan?

 

Please explain!

Edited June 10, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

 

I didn't say he was searching for a "back up girl". I said that my guess is that him keeping his profile up/current was a back up plan in case Kat bailed. After all, keeping a profile current doesn't mean he is necessarily dealing with other women. That's an assumption that Kat made because of the new pics.

 

I honestly believe that he wants Kat. That's why he said that he wanted there to be a name for what they are. If he was seeing other women, he'd actually be trying to steer the conversation away from commitment wouldn't he? He wouldn't be trying to feel out a label.

 

I am not as convinced as you are.

 

If he wanted Katzee he would have her and he would have made it exclusive already, he wouldn't be wasting time online with new pictures. Is he a man or what?

 

Also I don't see his statement as steering the conversation toward commitment, not at all. I see it as him searching for excuses.

 

Lets look at it:

 

I didn't do anything wrong, he just got weirded out yesterday, if things progressed and there was a name to us he obviously wouldn't be on any sites.

 

He is not offering her exclusivity or suggesting exclusivity. He is simply trying to save his face and honor and he does it with a big IF. Like someone caught with his hand in the cookie jar and replying: I would never steal.

[katiegrl]

I am not as convinced as you are.

 

If he wanted Katzee he would have her and he would have made it exclusive already, he wouldn't be wasting time online with new pictures. Is he a man or what?

 

Also I don't see his statement as steering the conversation toward commitment, not at all. I see it as him searching for excuses.

 

Lets look at it:

 

I didn't do anything wrong, he just got weirded out yesterday, if things progressed and there was a name to us he obviously wouldn't be on any sites.

 

He is not offering her exclusivity or suggesting exclusivity. He is simply trying to save his face and honor and he does it with a big IF. Like someone caught with his hand in the cookie jar and replying: I would never steal.

 

Absolutely agree Gaeta. fitnessfan's theory makes no sense. Again, if he wanted exclusivity, he would have talked to her about it. Not gone on line looking for a back up plan. Give me a break.

 

I don't even believe he was looking for a "back up plan" anyway. I'll give him at least some credit for being a grown up. He was looking for other women to DATE!

 

A man doesn't update photos because he's looking for a back up in case a chick bails.

 

Good god, in what world do we live where this is even remotely acceptable.

[katiegrl]

And fitnessfan, you can't compare your situation with Ms. Executive to KatZee's situation.

 

You had two maybe three casual dates with her, tops. KatZee has been consistently dating this man for a month, sharing many great dates together, lots of texting, lots of I miss you's, planning a weekend getaway...he had no reason to even suspect she would bail!

[joseb]

OP,

how many dates have you had with this guy?

[katiegrl]

OP,

how many dates have you had with this guy?

 

joseb read post no 83.....

[candie13]

alright, sooo many speculations and films and ifs and what ifs...

 

KatZ, any news from the subject of our discussion, here ?

[katiegrl]

alright, sooo many speculations and films and ifs and what ifs...

 

KatZ, any news from the subject of our discussion, here ?

 

Post 108....

[candie13]

i got that one, thx

[Rejected Rosebud]

Second paragraph.... if he was concerned about where he stood with her, why not be a grown up and TALK to her about it?

Because, in the early stages of getting to know each other, the people might be at totally different paces, there might not be anything to talk about to that guy - he might just be thinking along the lines of "this girl seems cool, I think I might like her, let's spend some more time together, gee maybe we could go away for the weekend," this is not WRONG in a freaking MONTH of dating!! I don't think I would be talking about my "relationship" in that period of time!!! What I keep reading on here is people just will NOT let things unfold and learn about each other in a sort of organic way, if KatZee has a big problem with the profile being active when SHE was thinking they were in a relationship already she has every right to move on because they are obs not on the same page!!! And indeed he might turn out to be some kind of a playah!! But to confront him about it at this stage, personally I think it was not on the timeline yet. I can see that alot of you disagree but that is just how I think. Anyway OP I hope this turns out the way you hope it will