Walking Away The Only Choice?

[Rejected Rosebud]

He does not know yet? Then he has no business telling her he misses her, planning a weekend getaway (which will include sex no doubt)...good morning, good night texts, etc. Come on.

all I can say is I don't agree at all, maybe this guy actually is a player and a big old scumbag but saying he misses her etc. can all be acceptable in the first months of getting to know each other when other options are not shut off. I don't think he was actually DATING others.

 

What about her saying I KNOW WE ARE NOTHING. Was that sincere or kind of manipulative / passive-aggressive? Whatever it sure would have put ME off if I were in that guy's place. And then hearing that they were disappointed in me - after on month when things are supposed to be light and fun? I would go away.

 

Every woman should strive to be "that" woman who knocks his socks off.

Wow again I don't agree!!! :eek: I would not "strive to be" any kind of woman to get some reaction from a man I am just gonna be my own self and if we were a good fit then awesome!!! It seems to work in my life anyway.

[katiegrl]

all I can say is I don't agree at all, maybe this guy actually is a player and a big old scumbag but saying he misses her etc. can all be acceptable in the first months of getting to know each other when other options are not shut off. I don't think he was actually DATING others.

 

What about her saying I KNOW WE ARE NOTHING. Was that sincere or kind of manipulative / passive-aggressive? Whatever it sure would have put ME off if I were in that guy's place. And then hearing that they were disappointed in me - after on month when things are supposed to be light and fun? I would go away.

 

Wow again I don't agree!!! :eek: I would not "strive to be" any kind of woman to get some reaction from a man I am just gonna be my own self and if we were a good fit then awesome!!! It seems to work in my life anyway.

 

I DO agree she was wrong to say "we're nothing"... so that's on her.

 

 

With respect to striving to be a woman who knocks his socks off... I did not mean that as some sort of strategy to get him to react a certain way. Where did you get that?

 

 

I only mean she should not settle for being a "good for now" girl....because 9 times out of 10, that's ALL she will ever be.

[Rejected Rosebud]

With respect to striving to be a woman who knocks his socks off... I did not mean that as some sort of strategy to get him to react a certain way. Where did you get that?

 

 

I only mean she should not settle for being a "good for now" girl....because 9 times out of 10, that's ALL she will ever be.

Oh I get that, that makes sense, I thought when you said "striving to be" you meant to work on yourself so you are irresistible to men!

[Redhead14]

all I can say is I don't agree at all, maybe this guy actually is a player and a big old scumbag but saying he misses her etc. can all be acceptable in the first months of getting to know each other when other options are not shut off. I don't think he was actually DATING others.

 

What about her saying I KNOW WE ARE NOTHING. Was that sincere or kind of manipulative / passive-aggressive? Whatever it sure would have put ME off if I were in that guy's place. And then hearing that they were disappointed in me - after on month when things are supposed to be light and fun? I would go away.

 

Wow again I don't agree!!! :eek: I would not "strive to be" any kind of woman to get some reaction from a man I am just gonna be my own self and if we were a good fit then awesome!!! It seems to work in my life anyway.

 

I KNOW WE ARE NOTHING -- This is passive-aggressive and comes off as pissy. Never open a conversation with a negative statement whether it be about a relationship or a business deal

[minime13]

I DO agree she was wrong to say "we're nothing"... so that's on her.

 

 

With respect to striving to be a woman who knocks his socks off... I did not mean that as some sort of strategy to get him to react a certain way. Where did you get that?

 

 

I only mean she should not settle for being a "good for now" girl....because 9 times out of 10, that's ALL she will ever be.

 

There is no person in their right mind that would know what this person was a month into a relationship. True connections are built. I think that's what people are failing to grasp - these people have been dating for a month.

 

High expectations bring high disappointments. I'm not saying you shouldn't have expectations, but after a month, this conversation shouldn't have gone this way. Especially in text form. The message and delivery method are highly contradictory.

[candie13]

one huuuuuge learning - the only one: don't have these conversations over text.

 

Irrelevant of what was said and how, the mere indication that it took place over text is a sure pointer that it wouldn't end well.

[BluEyeL]

Look, I'm not saying it's right, but this is how it works in real life. If you call out a man on anything before you two are exclusive and further along in a relationship it is likely he'll bail. I'm not saying walk before talking to him, I'm saying what happened is expected. Once you bring up what he's doing wrong or show what he perceives as too much emotion or signs of control or whatever be ready that what happened to this one will follow.

 

Heck, I went to a movie with a guy and wrote a somewhat passionate email with thoughts about the movie, how I saw the characters etc and he stopped calling for two months! He said he thought he had to give me time to feel better or something, I.e I'm crazy lol

[KatZee]

Alright well there is an update. Its clear we're both in two spots right now and we operate differently. Me saying "I know we're nothing wasn't passive aggressive or with an attitude that's just the way I had phrased it. I thought "couple" sounded a little intense.

 

Anyway, because my heart lives on my sleeves I couldn't leave this alone. I texted him... Yes gasp text. It was not an option to see him in person or call. Should I have waited? Maybe maybe not. I didn't want the moment to escape me, don't kill me for it.

 

I apologized. I was beaten up by a lot for even saying something so early but I'm not a person who can just ignore when things bother me. It bottles up and I lose my Libra balance.

 

He wrote back immediately and told me I didn't do anything wrong, he just got weirded out yesterday, if things progressed and there was a name to us he obviously wouldn't be on any sites. He said he was sorry too.

 

I said I know I overstepped and I hope it didn't change his views of me but I totally understood if it did.

 

He said that I didn't and it's OK, something was bothering me and I let him know, how can he be mad or have a change of heart because I was being honest.

 

I said I really appreciated that, he sent a smiley face and that was it. Now I'll just be over here in the corner waiting for him to come back around.

 

I'm a disaster and I'm awful at dating but in the end I'm glad I said something. Flak or not from you guys!

 

I also plan on taking five thousand steps back and grounding myself.

Edited June 9, 2015 by KatZee

[katiegrl]

There is no person in their right mind that would know what this person was a month into a relationship. True connections are built. I think that's what people are failing to grasp - these people have been dating for a month.

 

High expectations bring high disappointments. I'm not saying you shouldn't have expectations, but after a month, this conversation shouldn't have gone this way. Especially in text form. The message and delivery method are highly contradictory.

 

 

I guess I was just going by personal experience. In all my long term relationships (I have had three, including current), we BOTH knew within a very short time (within the first couple of weeks) that we had something very special.

 

 

And therefore had NO DESIRE to pursue other people.

 

 

Also, I have said this before but I have never felt the need to have the "exclusivity talk" with any of my boyfriends. Again, we both just knew how special what we had was (within a very short time), and our ACTIONS reflected that.

 

 

There was never any doubt or question about that.

 

 

I have also dated men who would have been happy to string me along had I not wanted MORE for myself than a guy, who after a month of dating, still didn't know how he felt about me, and dumped him.

 

 

To each his own. I have been disappointed before but I never gotten my heart broken (and hopefully never will) because I have CHOSEN WISELY..

[Gaeta]

I apologized. I was beaten up by a lot for even saying something so early but I'm not a person who can just ignore when things bother me. It bottles up and I lose my Libra balance.

 

As a libra myself there was no way I would have let this slide either. When something bothers me I let it out right away and if mr. romeo can't handle it, exclusive or not, then it means we're not compatible.

 

Will you put on hold the plans to spend the night and weekend away? I know I would.

[KatZee]

As a libra myself there was no way I would have let this slide either. When something bothers me I let it out right away and if mr. romeo can't handle it, exclusive or not, then it means we're not compatible.

 

Will you put on hold the plans to spend the night and weekend away? I know I would.

 

Oh yea no plans for any funny games any time soon. The weekend trip was loosely discussed for the last week of this month but its prob off the table.

 

I think he handled it well, very happy he didn't call me a psycho. The only thing I can do is wait to see what he does from here out.

[candie13]

Oh yea no plans for any funny games any time soon. The weekend trip was loosely discussed for the last week of this month but its prob off the table.

 

I think he handled it well, very happy he didn't call me a psycho. The only thing I can do is wait to see what he does from here out.

 

Please don't beat yourself up !!! the only thing you did wrong is talked without thinking. You are right to be worried, in the sense where the guy is giving wrong signs with the internet update...

 

so whatever he does - or not, make sure you keep your profile updated as well !!

[katiegrl]

Alright well there is an update. Its clear we're both in two spots right now and we operate differently. Me saying "I know we're nothing wasn't passive aggressive or with an attitude that's just the way I had phrased it. I thought "couple" sounded a little intense.

 

Anyway, because my heart lives on my sleeves I couldn't leave this alone. I texted him... Yes gasp text. It was not an option to see him in person or call. Should I have waited? Maybe maybe not. I didn't want the moment to escape me, don't kill me for it.

 

I apologized. I was beaten up by a lot for even saying something so early but I'm not a person who can just ignore when things bother me. It bottles up and I lose my Libra balance.

 

He wrote back immediately and told me I didn't do anything wrong, he just got weirded out yesterday, if things progressed and there was a name to us he obviously wouldn't be on any sites. He said he was sorry too.

 

I said I know I overstepped and I hope it didn't change his views of me but I totally understood if it did.

 

He said that I didn't and it's OK, something was bothering me and I let him know, how can he be mad or have a change of heart because I was being honest.

 

I said I really appreciated that, he sent a smiley face and that was it. Now I'll just be over here in the corner waiting for him to come back around.

 

I'm a disaster and I'm awful at dating but in the end I'm glad I said something. Flak or not from you guys!

 

I also plan on taking five thousand steps back and grounding myself.

 

 

You're awesome KatZee...and I applaud you for remaining true to YOURSELF.

 

 

I hope I all works out...PLEASE keep us posted!

[candie13]

can you please set up a date or two, in the mean time? Please? It'll make you feel better and you won't feel like you're putting your life on hold for anyone.

[fitnessfan365]

Based on what he said, it looks like I called it earlier in the thread.

 

As I suspected, he wasn't sure where he stood with you. After all, you never bring up exclusivity and I'm guessing he doesn't know you only date one guy at a time. That's why I'm guessing he was keeping a back up plan in case you bailed. As he said, if you two had a definition of what you are, he wouln't be on the dating site. So when you reached out today and showed him that you were invested, it put his mind at ease and that's why he responded so well.

 

Hope it keeps going well!

[Keenly]

can you please set up a date or two, in the mean time? Please? It'll make you feel better and you won't feel like you're putting your life on hold for anyone.

 

She would be a complete hypocrite.

[Gaeta]

can you please set up a date or two, in the mean time? Please? It'll make you feel better and you won't feel like you're putting your life on hold for anyone.

 

I don't know, I think this incident should bring them closer and give a new definition to their relationship, not push them apart by dating others. A relationship is suppose to evolve not degrade.

[candie13]

She would be a complete hypocrite.

 

she would not be dating them, just meeting them. You have the right to meet people, before deciding whom to date, no?

[KatZee]

She would be a complete hypocrite.

 

It would be. I'm on the fence. Honestly, even if I did set up dates it wouldn't be fair to those guys BC I wouldn't be invested really, just wasting or biding time. Now that I think about this... I see full circle the mess that is online dating. Confusion and tons of back up plans.

[Gaeta]

she would not be dating them, just meeting them. You have the right to meet people, before deciding whom to date, no?

 

No, at some point you've got to stop checking your other options and give your full attention to someone. If this incident does not motivate him to get off line than she should move on.

[candie13]

I don't know, I think this incident should bring them closer and give a new definition to their relationship, not push them apart by dating others. A relationship is suppose to evolve not degrade.

 

I agree... but you see, he called it quits. Is it ok for her to just wait for his call when he updated his profile and is prob seeing other people ? Why shouldn't she just go out on a date or two and meet new people?

 

if the old guy comes back and has a nice story to tell, sure, why not...

 

just... I'm sorry, I really hope this works out, but don't keep you hopes up too high, ok?

[toscaroscura]

As a libra myself there was no way I would have let this slide either. When something bothers me I let it out right away and if mr. romeo can't handle it, exclusive or not, then it means we're not compatible.

 

Will you put on hold the plans to spend the night and weekend away? I know I would.

 

I love Libras! I get along really well with Libra ladies. :bunny:

 

#Gemini

[KatZee]

I agree... but you see, he called it quits. Is it ok for her to just wait for his call when he updated his profile and is prob seeing other people ? Why shouldn't she just go out on a date or two and meet new people?

 

if the old guy comes back and has a nice story to tell, sure, why not...

 

just... I'm sorry, I really hope this works out, but don't keep you hopes up too high, ok?

 

I don't see anywhere that he called anything quits. I can see this from both sides. I'm obviously going to relax a lot and just take it as it comes with less expectations. If I met someone in real life I guess that's what it is I won't block it out. I can only be patient and see how it unfolds.

[candie13]

I don't see anywhere that he called anything quits. I can see this from both sides. I'm obviously going to relax a lot and just take it as it comes with less expectations. If I met someone in real life I guess that's what it is I won't block it out. I can only be patient and see how it unfolds.

 

you're right. apologies for that. fingers crossed, Katz!

[Under The Radar]

No, at some point you've got to stop checking your other options and give your full attention to someone. If this incident does not motivate him to get off line than she should move on.

 

^^^^^THIS^^^^^

 

Once two people meet IRL it's not online dating anymore ...... as everyone here knows.

 

If you have a connection with someone, have met them a few times, and it seems to be progressing, why NOT hide your profile? Why not give the relationship a chance to grow by focusing solely on that specific person?

 

The only reasons I can see someone not strongly advocating for such a philosophy is if they are only interested in casual, or don't feel strongly about the person they are dating.

 

People who are OLD need to walk that thin line between protecting yourself, but at the same time allowing some semblance of vulnerability ...... otherwise you'll burn out and become jaded.

 

I'm a big believer in communication even in the early stages of dating. I'm going to let someone know what I expect and I want to know what their needs are too. I mean, we're all adults, why beat around the bush? As others have mentioned, if the person truly likes you, and wants the relationship to evolve, they are not going to be put off from such conversations ...... especially if it's one month in.

 

BTW, I never thought Kat's friend was "out of line" or "did anything wrong" ...... he just didn't seem fully invested ...... making her his sole focus after a month of dating. He has the right to remain active on the dating site and upload new pics if he wants, but those aren't the actions of someone looking for an exclusive relationship after one month of dating.

 

I'll hide my profile after a few dates if I'm into someone ...... and yes ...... before we have had sex. I don't want to waste anybody's time or unnecessarily hurt people. My earlier advice to Kat, regarding walking away, was to protect herself. She isn't interested in multi-dating and wants a long term meaningful relationship. If her needs aren't being met, or her friend is not on the same page communication wise, then why proceed further? To me, that seems like a recipe for anxiety, depression, and potential heartache.

 

Finally, I'll just say I'm supportive that Kat texted him. She needed to get that off of her chest whether they continue to date or not. Putting herself out there again, after their last exchange, took courage IMO. I hope something positive comes of it and they continue to date, but I'm happy to see Kat mention she is taking a step back mentally to protect herself.