Walking Away The Only Choice?

[candie13]

see, in my mind it's not about rights or wrongs. It's about what she wants. If she wants to continue dating the dude, then she needs to be careful as to how she approaches the whole profile updating subject. Because he didn't mention the exclusivity talk.

 

if she just wanted to check the investment level of the guy and leave if his were minimal, fair enough.

 

but it looks like the OP was in neither one of these 2 situations, she didn't seem in control or aware of the implications of her actions. that's bad, because it means she had disengaged with reality and was focusing on what she wanted to see - is he exclusive, etc.

 

ok, so the guy bailed out, I totally agree he was not madly inlove or anything. But he liked her enough to be texting everyday, so unless he's a player or a sociopath, there was def some interest from his side.

 

most relationships are frail, at the beginning. And you know what? it's actually a good thing.

 

because it means the other person is actually looking at you, considering you, evaluating his interaction with you. Not just going blindly ahead and jumping into a RS before he is ready or before he gets to know you. It means you're not a placeholder.

 

It's actually a good thing.

 

me thinks the OP checked the pulse of the RS a little bit too soon. better luck next time.

[KatZee]

so for those saying I jumped the gun, and those saying that it's not just up to him to fix communication how would you go about fixing this if at all?

[candie13]

I'm not good with come backs, too proud. In my book, if the guy lets me go, I'm not going, I'm running ...

 

maybe the others have better ideas, like a "random" bumping into eachother and stuff. But that can also be weird, unless you know exactly what to say and how to behave. Def don't text or email... maybe you should just let this one go ... ?

[Lansing]

so for those saying I jumped the gun, and those saying that it's not just up to him to fix communication how would you go about fixing this if at all?

 

I think at this point it is maybe better to just move on and learn the lesson for next time.

 

When the last girl I dated had this accusatory conversation with me I was kind of taken a back and I basically answered that if that is how she felt then I guess things wouldn't work out and in my gut I felt sick but I knew that there was no point in trying to change her opinion in that moment. Months later she sent me an e-mail apologizing but at that point I was over her already.

 

Maybe you gut feeling is right with this guy and he isn't "into you" enough but my posts were more a word of caution going forward and more a heads up from a guys perspective there might be a better way of dealing with things in the future if you have something you want to talk to him about vs. just telling him you are disappointed in him.

[Redhead14]

Been seeing/dating/talking to this guy for over a month now.

 

We've had a great bunch of dates, really clicked, and recently it's felt like it's progressed, good morning / good night texts from him, phone calls, him saying he misses me, he mentioned having a sleep over, a weekend getaway, etc.

 

It all looked like it was going so well.

 

Found out today he's still active on a dating site. And yes. Active, not just a profile in existence. As in, uploading new pics active.

 

Now, I'm not a moron. There's only one reason a guy is on a dating site. To meet romantic partners.

 

I'm also in belief that if a guy was really interested in me, he wouldn't still be searching for whatever else out there that's better, correct?

 

I was really nice about it, I didn't want to harbor these feelings, so I told him my friend saw him on the site. He didn't deny it, he said he's had it a long time and wasn't going to lie about it. I said it was fine, he did nothing wrong but basically I don't get the feeling he's really too interested in me.

 

And with that, no response.

 

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE????? :mad::mad:

 

In my head, it's done. He clearly had nothing to say back to that. I don't plan on contacting him again.

 

You've only been DATING for a month. He doesn't owe you anything yet in terms of "commitment". Until you two have declared exclusivity or boyfriend/girlfriend you are both free to date others. As long as he's been consistent with contact, seeing you and treats you with respect, you date him until you both are clear about focusing on each other. If you've slept together, a conversation about exclusivity should have happened. If he didn't want that, then you should move on. But if you've slept with someone within a few dates, they still might not know they want exclusivity with you. If you sleep with them early, it's ok, just don't expect them to declare anything. Wait to see how they behave afterward for a bit.

 

If he's not been otherwise demonstrating sincere interest in you, then you move on.

 

He may be interested in you but after only a few dates, he doesn't know for sure you're the one he's going to become exclusive with. You pushed the issue too soon, put him on the spot and now he's likely going to back off for sure.

 

If you haven't yet had a conversation about what you each are looking for out of your dating experiences in general, you should have opened that conversation in a casual way, non-confrontational way. If you're were on the same page for yourselves in the long-run (and not with each other necessarily yet), you continue to allow him to demonstrate that that's really what he wants. If he's dating you consistently and properly (in a way that indicates he dating for relationship potential), you let it flow naturally. You may find after a few more dates, that you don't really want that with him anyway. You never know when something will come up that shows you it won't work for you or him.

 

Be patient in the very early stages of a new dating scenario. Manage your emotions and expectations. just because a guy takes you on a few dates, doesn't mean he's locked in.

[toscaroscura]

Being the Cool, All-Accepting GF got me nothing but strife! If I can't express simple concerns and feelings, then the relationship will be unfulfilling.

 

Men can handle it when they really want to. They're not these sensitive creatures who spook like deer!

[Gaeta]

I have had the same experience than above poster.

 

In my numerous short term relationships when the man was genuinely interested in me he addressed the exclusivity one way or another after 3-4 dates, never more. Each time I let it go with the flow for 1 month or more it never materialized into an exclusive relationship because if the man isn't into me after 1 month, he won't be anymore after 2 or 3 months.

 

Katzee how old are you?

 

ETA: Also when a man is into you there isn't much you can say or do that will turn him off, certainly not a comment about him being online. His reply <Obviously I f'd up somehow> sounds passive aggressive and almost like he's saying meh, oh well

Edited June 9, 2015 by Gaeta

[Keenly]

I have had the same experience than above poster.

 

In my numerous short term relationships when the man was genuinely interested in me he addressed the exclusivity one way or another after 3-4 dates, never more. Each time I let it go with the flow for 1 month or more it never materialized into an exclusive relationship because if the man isn't into me after 1 month, he won't be anymore after 2 or 3 months.

 

Katzee how old are you?

 

ETA: Also when a man is into you there isn't much you can say or do that will turn him off, certainly not a comment about him being online. His reply <Obviously I f'd up somehow> sounds passive aggressive and almost like he's saying meh, oh well

what do you expect? She pretty much jumped on him.

[Gaeta]

what do you expect? She pretty much jumped on him.

 

 

I expected him to say he's an idiot and he'll delete his profile right away.

[candie13]

I

His reply <Obviously I f'd up somehow> sounds passive aggressive and almost like he's saying meh, oh well

 

that is a huge turn off for me. I know I'm vain, but that's it? Is that all? Yeah, you seem to be looking for a "hell yeah" sort of guy. Going back to him won't transform him into that, unfortunately...

[toscaroscura]

I have had the same experience than above poster.

 

In my numerous short term relationships when the man was genuinely interested in me he addressed the exclusivity one way or another after 3-4 dates, never more. Each time I let it go with the flow for 1 month or more it never materialized into an exclusive relationship because if the man isn't into me after 1 month, he won't be anymore after 2 or 3 months.

 

Katzee how old are you?

 

ETA: Also when a man is into you there isn't much you can say or do that will turn him off, certainly not a comment about him being online. His reply <Obviously I f'd up somehow> sounds passive aggressive and almost like he's saying meh, oh well

 

Case in point, there's a new thread by this guy about his gf of *three months* who is clearly a train wreck, but he's wondering what to do! He's INTO her, and putting up with way more "drama" that Kat Zee ever dished out.

 

It's such a con, that women buy that men hate drama so much they can't even express their most basic feelings in the sweetest mouse-voice possible, lest they RUIN FOREVER the budding relationship with their "drama". It's ridiculous.

 

Kat Zee did not "jump all over him", nor did she issue any b*tchy ultimatums. She politely expressed her concerns, even assuring him that he did nothing technically wrong. She needed emotional assurance in that moment and got squat.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I agree with you. That "Ok" tells you all you need to know, really.

 

To me, it's not about "making a guy beg". BUT, if he was truly, genuinely interested, he could have used the conversation as a springboard to exclusivity. He could have assured you he WAS interested. He didn't, though.

I didn't really see that conversation as a possible springboard though to me it read as kind of backing him in a corner inappropriately and may have been a big turnoff for him. OP I think it's best to assume that a person OLD will still have their profile up and active until it's decided clearly that the people are exclusive and that shouldn't be taken as something creepy.

[Redhead14]

I have had the same experience than above poster.

 

In my numerous short term relationships when the man was genuinely interested in me he addressed the exclusivity one way or another after 3-4 dates, never more. Each time I let it go with the flow for 1 month or more it never materialized into an exclusive relationship because if the man isn't into me after 1 month, he won't be anymore after 2 or 3 months.

 

Katzee how old are you?

 

ETA: Also when a man is into you there isn't much you can say or do that will turn him off, certainly not a comment about him being online. His reply <Obviously I f'd up somehow> sounds passive aggressive and almost like he's saying meh, oh well

 

Gaeta, addressing exclusivity after only 3 or 4 dates doesn't mean he's that interested in you yet. If anything, he's locking you down too soon. A man who does that usually is just wanting his cake and eat it too until he finds someone else.

 

This is one reason for holding off on intimacy for a bit longer than that. It's ok if you decide to be intimate early, but keep your emotions and expectations in check after that in order to see if he continues to communicate and date you properly from that point on. A few dates is too soon to know if you or they want exclusivity with each other.

 

That being said, if you do become intimate with each other early, you should have the exclusivity conversation at least but be clear about what exclusivity means to each of you. Some people think that exclusivity is just about being sexually exclusive, but still dating others until they find someone else they want to be intimate with at which time, they will drop you.

 

If you enter into exclusivity early, observe his actions and words carefully.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Hey, he could have always said, "I don't want to talk about this over text, let's meet and discuss, etc."

I'm pretty sure he felt attacked. She actually said "I know we're nothing."

 

The cold hard truth is, if he really didn't want to lose her, he would have tried to smooth the misunderstanding. And this isn't a gender thing. The same thing would apply to a woman. It's about a lack of caring and effort.

But if you look at it from his pov, they are dating only a month, had a "handful" of dates and he is asking her out and she comes at him with this, if the tables were turned I think I would be disappointed but cut my losses, if a person comes at you like this after a handful of dates that might be a red flag.

[Rejected Rosebud]

and you never know just how strong that bond is - where exactly it is that you are - until you do have an honest to God straightforward discussion.

But not after a handful of dates right?

[candie13]

I've had men who wanted to be exclusive almost immediately and wanted to lock me down asap. It worked perfectly, because I needed reassurance and confirmation and a man to man up and actively show me that he wanted me. Fast forward a few months later... I don't want this man. I don't know this man. And guess what, he's not interested in knowing me either. As long as I stay put and agree to bare his children and share his life, it's good enough for him.

 

nooooooooo ! Enjoy freedom at the beginning. Allow yourself and your partner to ask each other questions.

 

Here's my question to the OP: why did you talk to him over text? Why not face to face?

 

Me thinks because you sort of felt his disengagement but you mentally you refuse to accept it...

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, addressing exclusivity after only 3 or 4 dates doesn't mean he's that interested in you yet. If anything, he's locking you down too soon. A man who does that usually is just wanting his cake and eat it too until he finds someone else.

 

This is one reason for holding off on intimacy for a bit longer than that. It's ok if you decide to be intimate early, but keep your emotions and expectations in check after that in order to see if he continues to communicate and date you properly from that point on. A few dates is too soon to know if you or they want exclusivity with each other.

 

That being said, if you do become intimate with each other early, you should have the exclusivity conversation at least but be clear about what exclusivity means to each of you. Some people think that exclusivity is just about being sexually exclusive, but still dating others until they find someone else they want to be intimate with at which time, they will drop you.

 

If you enter into exclusivity early, observe his actions and words carefully.

 

That's why I asked Katzee how old she is. You know I am pushing 50 ;-) so I know what I want, I know what I like, and I don't need 3 months dating to address exclusivity. And I want to meet a man that knows what he wants and there are men out there that DO know what they want!

 

You are right being exclusive does not mean he's totally into me but it means he is interested in me enough to delete his profile and concentrate on me. That's my definition of exclusivity. I don't see exclusivity as a big deal, it's not a marriage so I don't understand why we have to handle men with white gloves on that topic. If he doesn't like dating us than he can break up and move to next.

 

I don't believe men enter exclusivity just to get laid. That I don't buy.

 

Also those men that addressed exclusivity very early on all happened to be serious about me. Our relationship ended down the road but it was for other factors. The other men that I let go with the flow amounted to nothing and it was a big waste of 3-4 months of my life.

[candie13]

But not after a handful of dates right?

 

only if you're playing the infamous game "how to become dateless in less than 30 sec"

[toscaroscura]

No we didn't have any conversation about exclusivity, but he was making comments about having a sleep over (obviously sex), a weekend get away?

 

These to me are comments from a guy who is interested in taking the next steps with a potential partner.

 

Word for word this is what I said: I've really enjoyed hanging out with you. I was excited to see where this was going to go. XXX, the girl you saw me at the pier with is on Match.com. She saw you there. I know we're nothing so you've done nothing wrong. It was more disappointment.

 

He responded: I've been on there for a long time. Definitely not going to lie about it. I don't really know what else to say. Obviously I f'd up somehow.

 

Me: No. I already said you've done nothing wrong. Just kind of makes me think you're not that interested. Maybe I'm off base. I just wanted to be upfront with you about it.

 

Him: OK

 

This is the conversation. I don't see any demanding, or creepy, backing-into-corner behavior. Perhaps she was being a bit vulnerable and insecure, but it happens in relationships, especially in the beginning.

 

With the bolded, she left an opening of doubting herself. He could have said a million things other than "OK".

 

If the shoe were on MY foot, and a man I was really into told me he doesn't feel like I am that interested (based on my actions or inactions), you bet your sweet bippy I would do my best to reassure him I DO like him, a LOT, and whatever behavior I was exhibiting to make him doubt that would be nixed. I'd be a little embarrassed that my intentions were so misconstrued, but I sure as hell wouldn't be like, "I dunno what to tell ya ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"

[katiegrl]

I agree KZ confronting him was not the best move....if it had been me I would have just pulled back and let him wonder what the hell was going on....and said nothing.

 

Obviously, after discovering what I did, I would have no desire to date him anymore (likex KZ I am a single-dater also), so confronting him would serve no purpose. Any answer he gave me would most likely be BS anyway.

 

He's not stupid, I am sure he'd figure it out eventually. Guys know when they f'up...they don't need it explained to them....unless the woman wants to try to work it out, which frankly I would not.

 

Next.

[Rejected Rosebud]

This is the conversation. I don't see any demanding, or creepy, backing-into-corner behavior.

saying "i know we're nothing" but still confronting him seems passive aggressive to me. He had just asked her on a date and this is what he gets. If SHE was interested SHE could have talked to him about this in a setting where it could be a good conversation and not over text, like I said I haven't online dated but I bet people date for a month ALL THE TIME and it seems great and then falls apart, that is too soon to be confronting about a profile still being active, but that is just me - since KatZee has a much faster timeline than average (IMO anyhoo) it would be on her to let the guy know that right away. I wonder what percentage of online daters actually stop their profile after a month, I would be surprised if many do!

[Keenly]

I've really enjoyed hanging out with you. I was excited to see where this was going to go. XXX, the girl you saw me at the pier with is on Match.com. She saw you there. I know we're nothing so you've done nothing wrong. It was more disappointment.

 

 

This is where you went wrong.

 

I WAS excited to see where this was GOING to go. You've already broken it off with those words right there.

 

So many people these days don't understand the concept of communication as well as the words that they use.

 

You are use past tense, and then you basically shame him with the implication of "I'm disappointed in you" like you are his mother or something.

 

 

 

After 1 month, this would scare me off really quickly because my brain goes to the thought of if she can be this insecure after one month, whats going to happen after 6?

[Gaeta]

saying "i know we're nothing" but still confronting him seems passive aggressive to me. He had just asked her on a date and this is what he gets. If SHE was interested SHE could have talked to him about this in a setting where it could be a good conversation and not over text, like I said I haven't online dated but I bet people date for a month ALL THE TIME and it seems great and then falls apart, that is too soon to be confronting about a profile still being active, but that is just me - since KatZee has a much faster timeline than average (IMO anyhoo) it would be on her to let the guy know that right away. I wonder what percentage of online daters actually stop their profile after a month, I would be surprised if many do!

 

For those of us who are familiar with online dating there is a huge difference between A: Having an online profile sitting there and B: having a online profile and uploading new pictures.

 

There is only ONE reason for uploading new pictures on a profile and it's to attract new prospects.

 

If Katzee had only noticed an online profile some of us would advice otherwise but the uploading new pictures and this one month within dating her has a totally different meaning.

[Keenly]

For those of us who are familiar with online dating there is a huge difference between A: Having an online profile sitting there and B: having a online profile with uploading new pictures.

 

There is only ONE reason for uploading new pictures on a profile and it's to attract new prospects.

 

If Katzee had only noticed an online profile some of us would advice otherwise but the uploading new pictures and this one month within dating her has a totally different meaning.

 

 

You are applying rules of exclusivity in a situation where there is no exclusivity.

[Gaeta]

After 1 month, this would scare me off really quickly because my brain goes to the thought of if she can be this insecure after one month, whats going to happen after 6?

 

Tell me:

 

Lets say you've been dating a woman for 1 month. You've seen her several times, you talk to her daily and you're making plans to spend a weekend away with her. Would you then go online and upload new pictures in your profile?