Walking Away The Only Choice?

[katiegrl]

Yeah I would agree with that.

 

 

 

 

But that's the thing - it's early days, you two haven't even slept together - how do you expect him to be totally into you yet? For me, I have no idea if I am totally into someone for a while, and probably not before I sleep with them - I would consider this just a little getting to know, having some fun on dates.

 

Wow that is interesting because there have been articles written by MEN who claim they know within 30 seconds to one minute of meeting a chick whether she has long term potential OR is just a "good for now" girl.

 

 

I would think after a month of dating, he would know whether he was into her or not...come on now.

[joseb]

Wow that is interesting because there have been articles written by MEN who claim they know within 30 seconds to one minute of meeting a chick whether she has long term potential OR is just a "good for now" girl.

 

 

I would think after a month of dating, he would know whether he was into her or not...come on now.

 

It depends - I got the impression the month included talking initially, etc.

If it was a month of 3 dates a week kinda thing, then yeah you probably should know.

 

I can tell immediately if there is a possibility that there is potential in a relationship with a girl. I have learned from experience that a couple of months are needed before I know if it's just a bit of chemistry, or there is something deeper.

[Lansing]

I wasn't specifically referring to Internet dating. For me, I had doubts about the last girl I was dating because I felt like she was trying to move things along too quickly without getting to know me. So, I admit, I kept my options open. More so just continuing to talk to and engage with girls I met in real life.

[katiegrl]

It depends - I got the impression the month included talking initially, etc.

If it was a month of 3 dates a week kinda thing, then yeah you probably should know.

 

I can tell immediately if there is a possibility that there is potential in a relationship with a girl. I have learned from experience that a couple of months are needed before I know if it's just a bit of chemistry, or there is something deeper.

 

So in the meantime, you would search for other women on a dating site? Why not focus on the woman you feel there is long term potential with? Until you know either way?

 

 

I mean what if you met ANOTHER chick who knocked your socks off and you felt SHE had long term potential too? Then what? Date both? Have sex with both?

 

 

Man, how confusing. After a great date with chick no. 1, you walk away on cloud nine ....she's awesome!

 

 

Two days later, you have a date with chick no. 2, and wow SHE is awesome too!

 

 

Now you are more confused than ever! And what about the women?

 

 

Oh no, wait...they haven't talked to me about exclusivity, so who cares.

 

 

Is this how guys really think? Do they really NEED to have the "exclusivity" talk to know what they are feeling INSIDE THEIR HEARTS? Shouldn't what is inside their hearts dictate their behavior/actions....and NOT the damn exclusivity talk?

Edited June 9, 2015 by katiegrl

[KatZee]

it's literally awful. And this is how all the guys behave with online dating. There's always someone better even if your dates are amazing. There is just way too much temptation and too much curiosity to click on new faces. its really sad but I'm glad a lot of you see my point. he could have said anything to reassure me instead he just walked away.

[minime13]

Hey, he could have always said, "I don't want to talk about this over text, let's meet and discuss, etc."

 

The cold hard truth is, if he really didn't want to lose her, he would have tried to smooth the misunderstanding. And this isn't a gender thing. The same thing would apply to a woman. It's about a lack of caring and effort.

 

Who is going to fight for someone else after a month after being hit with an "I'm disappointed in you" text/confrontation about a dating profile?

 

Respect, communication, and compromise go both ways. It isn't just on him to clear up a misunderstanding.

[Gaeta]

it's literally awful. And this is how all the guys behave with online dating. There's always someone better even if your dates are amazing. There is just way too much temptation and too much curiosity to click on new faces. its really sad but I'm glad a lot of you see my point. he could have said anything to reassure me instead he just walked away.

 

I'm really sorry I know how it can suck.

 

Men aren't all like that though. I have dated men that have never returned online after we met without me saying anything.

 

When you meet someone that grabs your attention you're not suppose to desire going back on there, that's good for men and women.

 

One thing I noticed though, those I dated that I kept seeing online were mostly men new to online dating and recently out of a relationship. Even though you are really amazing they are still curious to see who else is out there. That's why I don't like dating online newbies.

[BC1980]

I get where you're coming from. You're not exclusive, but you're dating him. I don't want to date someone who is actively looking for someone else. Maybe it's okay for some people, but not for me. I don't like the whole idea of multi-dating.

[Under The Radar]

it's literally awful. And this is how all the guys behave with online dating. There's always someone better even if your dates are amazing. There is just way too much temptation and too much curiosity to click on new faces. its really sad but I'm glad a lot of you see my point. he could have said anything to reassure me instead he just walked away.

 

I am sorry this happened to you.

 

It is his loss, not yours, though I understand it's still extremely disappointing.

 

I agree that you should walk away.

 

If he truly wanted to court you, and only you, he wouldn't be uploading a new picture to the site.

 

As well, if he was serious about you, his response would have been completely different when questioned about it ...... he would have made a strong overture to continue seeing you exclusively ...... rather than say "ok".

 

For what it's worth, not all men in OLD do this. I always focus on one person at a time (if I find them interesting and attractive) giving the relationship a chance to evolve without multi-dating ...... I find less people get hurt this way ...... and if I feel this way, I'm sure there are other men out there that share the same perspective.

 

Don't give up hope

[joseb]

So in the meantime, you would search for other women on a dating site? Why not focus on the woman you feel there is long term potential with? Until you know either way?

 

I mean what if you met ANOTHER chick who knocked your socks off and you felt SHE had long term potential too? Then what? Date both? Have sex with both?

Man, how confusing. After a great date with chick no. 1, you walk away on cloud nine ....she's awesome!

 

Two days later, you have a date with chick no. 2, and wow SHE is awesome too!

I have not parallel dated myself - actually I've barely dated using OLD, so take my ideas with a grain of salt.

But I don't see anything inherently wrong with it.

If I go on a date with a girl now from OLD, I don't assume that she will suddenly stop contacting all other guys just because we clicked.

 

 

I just feel this guy is getting a bit of a hard rap for not doing much wrong.

He is just looking for love like everyone else, and is parallel dating to maximise his chances. I think a lot of this is really more down to poor communication than anything else.

[toscaroscura]

I guess at this point I'd chalk this up to incompatibility. I'm the type of person that likes to put energy into one person at a time. When I really like a man, I make sure he knows it and feels it, and I want the same treatment. Not to be acutely aware that I am only one of many options. Maybe I am, but I don't want to feel like I am! I suppose I might be "needy" to the consummate multi-dater, but those are my needs and they are what they are. If Kat Zee needed him to reassure her and deepen their connection, and he balked, then they are not compatible on a very fundamental level.

[Gaeta]

Men fall fast. Within a month a man knows if he's got a keeper.

 

Theoretically he did nothing wrong by being online BUT his reply to OP lacked consideration, openness and honesty considering this is a woman he has been seeing for a month.

[neowulf]

it's literally awful. And this is how all the guys behave with online dating. There's always someone better even if your dates are amazing. There is just way too much temptation and too much curiosity to click on new faces. its really sad but I'm glad a lot of you see my point. he could have said anything to reassure me instead he just walked away.

 

I've been online dating.

 

Met a girl I really liked, so told her my intentions.

I cancelled a pending date, and disabled my profiles.

 

I told her I understood that she wasn't under any obligation to do so, but that I was choosing to focus on her.

 

We've been seeing each other exclusively for a few weeks now. It's still early days, but I'd rather focus my energy on getting to know each other and find if we're a good match.

 

Anyone who approaches online dating "like a kid in a candy store" isn't going to find anything lasting.

 

It's the paradox of choice...

The Paradox of Choice - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[joseb]

 

It's the paradox of choice...

The Paradox of Choice - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

I know, I was in a shop recently looking for a pair of Jeans. There were literally 100s of options, so I left in despair!

 

 

Regarding dating:

Is Too Much Choice Ruining Dating? Science Might Have the Answer - Mic

 

 

It is definitely an issue, especially with OLD being so prevalent.

[BluEyeL]

Before at least two months of casually dating you never call a man out on anything! If you do, the great majority disappear, like this one did. You just observe, draw conclusions, adjust your actions, stay or go.

 

And you do not bring up the profiles up after one month, no matter how many dates and what future faking plans were going on. He has to bring it down on his own. You simply control the pace to move to a realistic speed. Meaning, you don't see him too much so it doesn't speed up to a level that is not in accordance wit what's in the calendar, and you do not have sex with him. Meaning you do not move to the next level until he does. If you do move it too fast by seeing him too often and having sex, you have to be ready to cope with the anxiety that will follow. One month still being online is still pretty natural.

 

I never asked anyone to take down their profile and that was a non-issue. they all did when the time came. Oh, but I never slept with anyone BEFORE exclusivity. You can feel free to move fast, meet 4X/week, go on trips and have sex but a month is still a month and you're not exclusive until you're exclusive and you have to be prepared to deal with the anxiety and keep it shut.

[KatZee]

While what you're saying sounds logical in theory it just doesn't work in real life. So, I'm supposed to decide to walk, since I'm not happy with the fact that he is still looking for something better, but I am NOT supposed to say anything to him? When we have been talking every single day for over a month? I don't feel that is mature and to just leave without saying anything to him is going to leave him confused as to why he would never hear from me again.

 

I didn't "call him out" or demand he take down anything. I told him he did nothing wrong, because he didn't. if he wants to be on match.com looking for other people then that is his right. but I am NOT happy to just be one of however many people he's dating making out with or even sleeping with. I am the only person that is going to look out for my best interest not him and not anyone else. I don't like the notion that guys get to do whatever they want and women have to just sit back and take it or else the guy picks up and leaves because we are to "demanding."

[Ruby Slippers]

If he wanted something real and he really liked you, he would have taken down the profile. I think it's just a fact of our times that it's getting harder to find anybody who wants something real. Personally, I'd rather stay single than get into some disposable arrangement. It's better you found out now where you stand than after months with him.

[candie13]

I think, us, women, have this fantasy world we occasionally escape to. Unlike men. They are a lot more logical, A plus B is C sort of logic. No big picture, no "potential", no nothing.

 

OP, I hear you. Here's my thought:

 

- ok, you saw him - or your friend saw him on the dating site. Active. you had to have a very clear idea inside your head, when talking to him about it. What were you hoping to achieve? IMO, you just wanted to talk, I think. This is not male logic. Tell that to men and they will think you are either telling them off (his feelings of guilt might do the job, even if you haven't said them) or that you will ask him to take it down.

 

unfortunately, you are not in that position - you're never in that position.

 

- if it were me, I would have uploaded and refreshed my profile as well. Looked absolutely stunning the next few dates and then, after teasing him a bit, i'd ask if he's seeing other girls more seriously... especially if the talks about sleep overs become more present. Not mentioning "I know you're keeping your profile fresh, I'm spying on you, O have other people spying on you". IF the guy says "yeah, I'm seeing a few people, but nothing serious" there are 2 options: 1. you respond "ok, so I guess you won't mind if I do the same" or 2. sorry, this answer is not good enough for me, maybe we should call it off.

 

- you've scared the guy off because you've had data and you were unable to stop and think how to use it. What to make of it. What answers you were looking to find our. You've just dumped it onto him and expected him to spell it out for you or to deal with it. Mind you, it works with some people, it doesn't work with others.

 

Next time, no matter how good that first month is, keep your cool and think. Everytime you approach a dude with a matter, have a clear idea as to what you are expecting to find out.

 

Blu is right about her post. Don't worry, you'll get the hang of these things. And you'll do much better next time.

 

Just remember, people who do OLD multidate. I was multidating. I didn't kiss all of my dates, though, but I was seeing more men than just one. If you expect men to just focus on you or on one person at the time, you're deluding yourself and OLD is not for you. You just need to really keep your cool and play hard. Don't hate the players, hate the game.

 

best of luck, girl

Edited June 9, 2015 by candie13

[fitnessfan365]

Consider this Kat.

 

What if he kept his profile up to date as a back up because he was unsure of where you stood? You've said in the past you never bring up exclusivity. So it is possible that it had nothing to do with "looking for someone better". He might have just been hedging his bets in case you decided to bail. I know you say that you only date one guy at a time until it ends. But did he know that? If you never specifically said to him "I only date one guy at a time" he might have assumed you were seeing multiple guys.

[candie13]

Consider this Kat.

 

What if he kept his profile up to date as a back up because he was unsure of where you stood? You've said in the past you never bring up exclusivity. So it is possible that it had nothing to do with "looking for someone better". He might have just been hedging his bets in case you decided to bail. I know you say that you only date one guy at a time until it ends. But did he know that? If you never specifically said to him "I only date one guy at a time" he might have assumed you were seeing multiple guys.

 

these are all good and legit questions, OP, but pls don't mindf*ck yourself. It's done, he bailed out, pls do not think about the what ifs and the maybes and the perhaps. That ship sailed out of the port and you need to focus on someone new.

 

I know this sort of forums bring a whole new dimension to the equation, but they also make it harder to just leave it and let it go, as one keeps coming back with questions, and everyone ends up beating a dead horse.

 

Think of yourself first and foremost.

 

cheers

[BluEyeL]

While what you're saying sounds logical in theory it just doesn't work in real life. So, I'm supposed to decide to walk, since I'm not happy with the fact that he is still looking for something better, but I am NOT supposed to say anything to him? When we have been talking every single day for over a month? I don't feel that is mature and to just leave without saying anything to him is going to leave him confused as to why he would never hear from me again.

 

I didn't "call him out" or demand he take down anything. I told him he did nothing wrong, because he didn't. if he wants to be on match.com looking for other people then that is his right. but I am NOT happy to just be one of however many people he's dating making out with or even sleeping with. I am the only person that is going to look out for my best interest not him and not anyone else. I don't like the notion that guys get to do whatever they want and women have to just sit back and take it or else the guy picks up and leaves because we are to "demanding."

No, you do not walk in this particular situation. You simply should have not said anything. I'm saying this based on my experience in real life. Every time I said anything about anything to a guy I was just started to date, he just bailed. You just can't seem to criticize them about anything no matter how nice. In this situation you should have just done nothing, see him no more than twice a week and if the sex was on the table then discuss whether or not you're exclusive at that time (before that time). When I criticized or brought up anything to guys when dating, I had to be prepared that it will end. I said my piece and expected that it was over, which most of the time it was. But of course that's because they weren't the one. Most likely this guy wasn't the one for you anyway.

 

Men are terrified of our so called "drama" so this is why you can never complain before they know you well already and the bond is strong.

[candie13]

No, you do not walk in this particular situation. You simply should have not said anything. I'm saying this based on my experience in real life. Every time I said anything about anything to a guy I was just started to date, he just bailed. You just can't seem to criticize them about anything no matter how nice. In this situation you should have just done nothing, see him no more than twice a week and if the sex was on the table then discuss whether or not you're exclusive at that time (before that time). When I criticized or brought up anything to guys when dating, I had to be prepared that it will end. I said my piece and expected that it was over, which most of the time it was. But of course that's because they weren't the one. Most likely this guy wasn't the one for you anyway.

 

Men are terrified of our so called "drama" so this is why you can never complain before they know you well already and the bond is strong.

 

and you never know just how strong that bond is - where exactly it is that you are - until you do have an honest to God straightforward discussion. Ad I'm not talking texting. I mean the real deal, a face to face discussion, adult style. And... watching if his words match his actions, after that.

 

whatever you think you might have, however good it feel or however good you think it may be... that's exactly what it is: thinking, imagining an feeling. Facts are facts. And it's mindblowing when you realize that 99% of the times facts are different from whatever it is that one has imagined.

 

men check out of RS all the time / dating. one month is ok, you'll be alright.

[Gaeta]

I totally disagree with people saying you should have said nothing and just play cool. One month may sound short for some but when you spend a lot of time with someone and talk daily one month is considerable time. I strongly believe if you had said nothing he would still be online in another month.

 

No men aren't afraid of commitment and they're not afraid of 'the talk' when it's with the right girl.

[Eternal Sunshine]

One months is heaps of time, especially if talking every day. Guys are not spooked that easily. I have brought up issues in less than a month and guys that were truly interested couldn't wait to reassure me. I don't buy LS mentality on this at all.

 

Also OLD is a mixed bag. You only need 1 guy so don't give up. I would have agreed with you but last 2 guys I dated were genuinely looking for relationships, disabled their profiles of their own accord etc. It didn't work out due to lack of compatibility. Before them, I had about 5 playerish guys in a row. It's a c*ap shot.

 

I don't think logging into OLD is that bad, some do it out of habit. Uploading new pics is not cool though as it suggests actively looking. You did the right thing.

[Lois_Griffin]

it's literally awful. And this is how all the guys behave with online dating. There's always someone better even if your dates are amazing. There is just way too much temptation and too much curiosity to click on new faces. its really sad but I'm glad a lot of you see my point. he could have said anything to reassure me instead he just walked away.

I think a lot of online daters have what I all a 'candy store mentality.' They're like kids in a candy store - there's so much to choose from and every time they pick up one item, something shinier on another shelf catches their attention and off they go. Some people are so petrified that they're going to miss the 'bigger, better deal' that's right around the corner so they're always actively on watch for it..

 

He sounds like one of them.