Walking Away The Only Choice?

[KatZee]

Been seeing/dating/talking to this guy for over a month now.

 

We've had a great bunch of dates, really clicked, and recently it's felt like it's progressed, good morning / good night texts from him, phone calls, him saying he misses me, he mentioned having a sleep over, a weekend getaway, etc.

 

It all looked like it was going so well.

 

Found out today he's still active on a dating site. And yes. Active, not just a profile in existence. As in, uploading new pics active.

 

Now, I'm not a moron. There's only one reason a guy is on a dating site. To meet romantic partners.

 

I'm also in belief that if a guy was really interested in me, he wouldn't still be searching for whatever else out there that's better, correct?

 

I was really nice about it, I didn't want to harbor these feelings, so I told him my friend saw him on the site. He didn't deny it, he said he's had it a long time and wasn't going to lie about it. I said it was fine, he did nothing wrong but basically I don't get the feeling he's really too interested in me.

 

And with that, no response.

 

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE????? :mad::mad:

 

In my head, it's done. He clearly had nothing to say back to that. I don't plan on contacting him again.

[minime13]

Been seeing/dating/talking to this guy for over a month now.

 

We've had a great bunch of dates, really clicked, and recently it's felt like it's progressed, good morning / good night texts from him, phone calls, him saying he misses me, he mentioned having a sleep over, a weekend getaway, etc.

 

It all looked like it was going so well.

 

Found out today he's still active on a dating site. And yes. Active, not just a profile in existence. As in, uploading new pics active.

 

Now, I'm not a moron. There's only one reason a guy is on a dating site. To meet romantic partners.

 

I'm also in belief that if a guy was really interested in me, he wouldn't still be searching for whatever else out there that's better, correct?

 

I was really nice about it, I didn't want to harbor these feelings, so I told him my friend saw him on the site. He didn't deny it, he said he's had it a long time and wasn't going to lie about it. I said it was fine, he did nothing wrong but basically I don't get the feeling he's really too interested in me.

 

And with that, no response.

 

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE????? :mad::mad:

 

In my head, it's done. He clearly had nothing to say back to that. I don't plan on contacting him again.

 

A month in isn't exactly an exclusive relationship threshold, generally speaking. The number of dates and times you have dated, whether or not it's gotten to be more intimate, and what you've discussed about what you both want are indicators of where you are more than anything else.

 

Did you have this conversation via text? If so, that was probably not the best form of communication for something like this. He may have stopped responding because of your last reply back - I read it as a kind of snarky retort (whether you meant it that way or not), and it sounded like you already made the decision that it was over. After just a month, and you calling the relationship, what retort should he have?

 

For future reference, after a few dates, it may be a good idea to discuss what you're looking for. I don't know if you did that or not with this one, but it's generally a good idea to let your intentions be known early on. That way, you both know what to expect.

 

The dating profile thing would probably bother me after a month - especially seeing that he's active. However, that's an invitation to discuss the moving forward more than anything else. I'm not saying his actions were right or wrong - it all depends on what you have both discussed - but if you weren't committed to each other or in an exclusive relationship, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's disinterested. It just means he's keeping his options open because you're not in a committed or exclusive relationship.

 

At this point, just move on, because your messages to him have already stipulated that it's over. Next time, just talk about it instead of ending it like that.

[Keenly]

At any point did you have any conversation whatsoever about exclusivity or not seeing anyone else?

 

Because if you didn't you made the assumption that you both were, when you weren't.

 

 

 

 

I can only speak for myself. I wouldn't deactivate a dating profile if that conversation had not been had.

 

My mere existence or activity wouldn't constitute looking for another woman, a replacement, so to speak.

 

 

You need to communicate.

[spiderowl]

In all honesty, if a guy has had an online dating profile for a while, he will be used to having one. He won't necessarily see it as a big deal to leave it up there for a while. It doesn't mean he's actively looking for others. He might, in an idle moment, upload some photos or otherwise update it, but again it may not mean anything. It does sound as if he's not reached the point you have in the relationship of feeling that he needs to make it clear to others he's not available. People don't necessarily fall in love straight away and it's when feeling start to deepen that we question what we are doing on a dating site. We don't question it because our date does. There is a difference.

 

He could be entirely non-committal and just seeing your relationship as a bit of fun and living for the moment. He could be seeing you, enjoying it, but not having fallen in love. That may happen (falling in love) and most likely when he doesn't think it will. I suppose what I'm saying is that having a dating profile only shows that the person is not certain that you are the one they want to make any commitment to at the moment. Are most people certain from the start? I doubt it. What you can ask/expect is that if the relationship has become sexual that he only sleeps with you, that he be sexually exclusive.

 

If a guy is enjoying himself with you and you pre-empt any feelings he might develop by grumbling about his profile, he is immediately going to feel confined and criticised. You will appear controlling and it will be clear to him that you expect commitment now. As true bonds often take time to develop and happen almost by accident not according to plan, you may be ruling him out too soon. But ultimately, what matters is your gut feeling about him. Is he being far too casual with you? Are there other indicators he's not likely to become emotionally invested in the way that you are? Those are signs to take seriously; the dating profile not so much, especially at first.

[KatZee]

No we didn't have any conversation about exclusivity, but he was making comments about having a sleep over (obviously sex), a weekend get away?

 

These to me are comments from a guy who is interested in taking the next steps with a potential partner.

 

Word for word this is what I said: I've really enjoyed hanging out with you. I was excited to see where this was going to go. XXX, the girl you saw me at the pier with is on Match.com. She saw you there. I know we're nothing so you've done nothing wrong. It was more disappointment.

 

He responded: I've been on there for a long time. Definitely not going to lie about it. I don't really know what else to say. Obviously I f'd up somehow.

 

Me: No. I already said you've done nothing wrong. Just kind of makes me think you're not that interested. Maybe I'm off base. I just wanted to be upfront with you about it.

 

Him: OK

 

So I don't think I miscommunicated at all, and after a bit over a month of talking every single day, dates, him now starting to call me, talking about sleep overs, I would think he had a bit more to say than just "OK."

 

I never made any assumption that we were "exclusive" and I had no intention of making him a boyfriend or anything like that, but I'm a single dater. I don't multi date. When I'm into someone, I focus on them. If it works, cool. If not, on to the next. How can I focus on multiple people? Be having sex with multiple people? Being cute and intimate with multiple people? I don't get how someone works like that.

 

And if he's on the site, uploading new pics, he's only there for one reason. For new potential romantic partners. So basically I'm being played.

 

The only one that would win this game is him. I'd be getting more invested, he wanted to be more intimate, and then what? He just keeps going on dates? That's stupid to me.

 

At least be like, yeah I'm definitely interested in seeing where this goes as well, I'm not dating anyone else.

 

But nope. Not even a little bit of a response that I got. UGH. Now I'm just getting annoyed.

[minime13]

No we didn't have any conversation about exclusivity, but he was making comments about having a sleep over (obviously sex), a weekend get away?

 

These to me are comments from a guy who is interested in taking the next steps with a potential partner.

 

Word for word this is what I said: I've really enjoyed hanging out with you. I was excited to see where this was going to go. XXX, the girl you saw me at the pier with is on Match.com. She saw you there. I know we're nothing so you've done nothing wrong. It was more disappointment.

 

He responded: I've been on there for a long time. Definitely not going to lie about it. I don't really know what else to say. Obviously I f'd up somehow.

 

Me: No. I already said you've done nothing wrong. Just kind of makes me think you're not that interested. Maybe I'm off base. I just wanted to be upfront with you about it.

 

Him: OK

 

So I don't think I miscommunicated at all, and after a bit over a month of talking every single day, dates, him now starting to call me, talking about sleep overs, I would think he had a bit more to say than just "OK."

 

I never made any assumption that we were "exclusive" and I had no intention of making him a boyfriend or anything like that, but I'm a single dater. I don't multi date. When I'm into someone, I focus on them. If it works, cool. If not, on to the next. How can I focus on multiple people? Be having sex with multiple people? Being cute and intimate with multiple people? I don't get how someone works like that.

 

And if he's on the site, uploading new pics, he's only there for one reason. For new potential romantic partners. So basically I'm being played.

 

The only one that would win this game is him. I'd be getting more invested, he wanted to be more intimate, and then what? He just keeps going on dates? That's stupid to me.

 

At least be like, yeah I'm definitely interested in seeing where this goes as well, I'm not dating anyone else.

 

But nope. Not even a little bit of a response that I got. UGH. Now I'm just getting annoyed.

 

No, you're not being played. Your conversation (I assume by text) reads to me as you breaking it off with him. What else is he to say? Beg for you back after just a month? I wouldn't. Think about it - in your text you said that you were disappointed in him, even though you've made no discussion previously about commitment, and then you made the assumption that he wasn't interested in you, and told him that. That's a break-up. By text no less.

 

You didn't really give him anything to respond to, and I am not sure you should expect someone that you just broke up with via text to respond back.

[joseb]

So did you ever tell him you are a single dater ?

If you have a problem with him dating more than one person, despite the fact you are not in a sexual relationship, then you need to tell him this clearly.

 

Your last message sounded more like a bit of an apology which is probably why he replied "ok".

[toscaroscura]

No we didn't have any conversation about exclusivity, but he was making comments about having a sleep over (obviously sex), a weekend get away?

 

These to me are comments from a guy who is interested in taking the next steps with a potential partner.

 

Word for word this is what I said: I've really enjoyed hanging out with you. I was excited to see where this was going to go. XXX, the girl you saw me at the pier with is on Match.com. She saw you there. I know we're nothing so you've done nothing wrong. It was more disappointment.

 

He responded: I've been on there for a long time. Definitely not going to lie about it. I don't really know what else to say. Obviously I f'd up somehow.

 

Me: No. I already said you've done nothing wrong. Just kind of makes me think you're not that interested. Maybe I'm off base. I just wanted to be upfront with you about it.

 

Him: OK

 

So I don't think I miscommunicated at all, and after a bit over a month of talking every single day, dates, him now starting to call me, talking about sleep overs, I would think he had a bit more to say than just "OK."

 

I never made any assumption that we were "exclusive" and I had no intention of making him a boyfriend or anything like that, but I'm a single dater. I don't multi date. When I'm into someone, I focus on them. If it works, cool. If not, on to the next. How can I focus on multiple people? Be having sex with multiple people? Being cute and intimate with multiple people? I don't get how someone works like that.

 

And if he's on the site, uploading new pics, he's only there for one reason. For new potential romantic partners. So basically I'm being played.

 

The only one that would win this game is him. I'd be getting more invested, he wanted to be more intimate, and then what? He just keeps going on dates? That's stupid to me.

 

At least be like, yeah I'm definitely interested in seeing where this goes as well, I'm not dating anyone else.

 

But nope. Not even a little bit of a response that I got. UGH. Now I'm just getting annoyed.

 

I agree with you. That "Ok" tells you all you need to know, really.

 

To me, it's not about "making a guy beg". BUT, if he was truly, genuinely interested, he could have used the conversation as a springboard to exclusivity. He could have assured you he WAS interested. He didn't, though.

 

"Ok".

 

It's like when I got seriously ill recently. I had been seeing a guy for about a month. Like you, it was going well, we had a connection, things were going great. Then I got sick and was pretty much feverish/bedridden for 2 weeks, off and on. I told him and his response was to worry about whether he caught it, then he didn't text or anything for a whole day after. When I called and (gently) told him I felt like he didn't care much about my illness and that maybe our time had come to an end, his response was much like your guy's. "Ok". I could practically see him shrugging over the phone.

 

People really show you how much they care (or not) when the chips are down!

[KatZee]

No, there was no talk about anything. So clearly I f'd it up.

[abby_tx]

Him having a dating profile wouldn't bother me. Him uploading new pictures would. I get that one month is really soon, but if I'm into a guy I will at least not bother spending time adding to a site that only serves to get more dates.

[KatZee]

I agree with you. That "Ok" tells you all you need to know, really.

 

To me, it's not about "making a guy beg". BUT, if he was truly, genuinely interested, he could have used the conversation as a springboard to exclusivity. He could have assured you he WAS interested. He didn't, though.

 

"Ok".

 

People really show you how much they care (or not) when the chips are down!

 

I wasn't even looking for, "Hey be my girlfriend" or anything like that, but just some reassurance that yeah, I'm totally into you and where this is going. And I literally got nothing of the sort.

 

I really just didn't feel great to find out that after a month of talking daily, planning stuff, being "cute" that he was still shopping around.

 

It's a huge kick to the ego nuts. It sucks. Like hey, I'm not good enough? Just going to string me along here until someone more amazing crosses your path on Match?

[KatZee]

Him having a dating profile wouldn't bother me. Him uploading new pictures would. I get that one month is really soon, but if I'm into a guy I will at least not bother spending time adding to a site that only serves to get more dates.

 

Exactly. Him having the profile wasn't the issue. I mean, he's had it a while, but the fact that after he suggests a sleep over, suggests us looking up weekend get away info, that literally within the last 24 hours he has uploaded a new picture.

 

And lets tick another box for reasons why I absolutely despise online dating. This is way too common. Dating guy, he's still perusing. WHY? Just WHY?

[toscaroscura]

I wasn't even looking for, "Hey be my girlfriend" or anything like that, but just some reassurance that yeah, I'm totally into you and where this is going. And I literally got nothing of the sort.

 

I really just didn't feel great to find out that after a month of talking daily, planning stuff, being "cute" that he was still shopping around.

 

It's a huge kick to the ego nuts. It sucks. Like hey, I'm not good enough? Just going to string me along here until someone more amazing crosses your path on Match?

 

I have been there. *fistbump of solidarity*

 

It sucks but it's not US. They are emotionally unavailable twits.

[KatZee]

I have been there. *fistbump of solidarity*

 

It sucks but it's not US. They are emotionally unavailable twits.

 

And literally right before I had to open my mouth to be honest with him, he asked to see me tonight.

 

And then right after his "OK" text, he checks in at the bar on Facebook. I've never seen that before, so obviously something hit a nerve.

[toscaroscura]

And literally right before I had to open my mouth to be honest with him, he asked to see me tonight.

 

And then right after his "OK" text, he checks in at the bar on Facebook. I've never seen that before, so obviously something hit a nerve.

 

I would go and hear him out, but then again I tend to be a glutton for punishment and too damn curious for my own good! :bunny:

 

Edit, oops I misunderstood! I thought he wanted to see you at the bar.

[KatZee]

I would go and hear him out, but then again I tend to be a glutton for punishment and too damn curious for my own good! :bunny:

 

Edit, oops I misunderstood! I thought he wanted to see you at the bar.

 

HA yeah right. No, he just poofed and then went to get drunk I assume.

[Lansing]

I can't see where he is coming from. On first read I agreed with you but st the same time you didn't talk about being exclusive. I will date more than one gir until I know that she is interested in me and I see a future there. So many times a girl "seems" interested then disappears. I don't sleep around. At the same time the last girl was so "into me" in the early stages then she became really demanding of my time and when I wasn't able to give her more time she got pissed and ended things. Better to have options.

[La.Primavera]

I think you left the door open for him. All he had to do was say that he was interested in you or ask if you would like to be exclusive. The fact that he did neither shows he wasn't ready or willing.

 

It must have been really disappointing but you learnt a valuable lesson about dating a guy in the future. Find out if he is dating other people so there are no surprises.

 

He obviously wanted multiple dating options. You took his words as meaningful and special but the truth is talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words. The good thing is that you won't make that mistake again. Lucky you found out before you became more emotionally invested.

[Lansing]

I meant to type "can" not "can't" and I can't edit it now.

[toscaroscura]

I can't see where he is coming from. On first read I agreed with you but st the same time you didn't talk about being exclusive. I will date more than one gir until I know that she is interested in me and I see a future there. So many times a girl "seems" interested then disappears. I don't sleep around. At the same time the last girl was so "into me" in the early stages then she became really demanding of my time and when I wasn't able to give her more time she got pissed and ended things. Better to have options.

 

Well sure, on the first couple dates, but after a month of intense courting? When do you start focusing at least most of your attention on a woman you really really like? How is anyone supposed to deepen a relationship while remaining so indefinitely detached?

 

There comes a point where peoples' obsession with having options eventually means they have no options.

[neowulf]

 

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE????? :mad::mad:

 

In my head, it's done. He clearly had nothing to say back to that. I don't plan on contacting him again.

 

You're a complete babe Kat.

 

Don't settle for losers who pull this crap on you.

 

Sorry to hear it went down like this. Least you figured it out now, before things got too much deeper.

[Lansing]

If I was dating a girl for a month I would expect her to have a conversation with me in person if she thought I had ulterior motives. If she sent me a text like that I might not "fight" for her... To me I would feel the girl didn't give me the courtesy of having a conversation about where things were going first and let me know her expectation.. Just my opinion from a guy's perspective.

[toscaroscura]

If I was dating a girl for a month I would expect her to have a conversation with me in person if she thought I had ulterior motives. If she sent me a text like that I might not "fight" for her... To me I would feel the girl didn't give me the courtesy of having a conversation about where things were going first and let me know her expectation.. Just my opinion from a guy's perspective.

 

Hey, he could have always said, "I don't want to talk about this over text, let's meet and discuss, etc."

 

The cold hard truth is, if he really didn't want to lose her, he would have tried to smooth the misunderstanding. And this isn't a gender thing. The same thing would apply to a woman. It's about a lack of caring and effort.

[joseb]

If I was dating a girl for a month I would expect her to have a conversation with me in person if she thought I had ulterior motives. If she sent me a text like that I might not "fight" for her... To me I would feel the girl didn't give me the courtesy of having a conversation about where things were going first and let me know her expectation.. Just my opinion from a guy's perspective.

 

Yeah I would agree with that.

 

 

I wasn't even looking for, "Hey be my girlfriend" or anything like that, but just some reassurance that yeah, I'm totally into you and where this is going. And I literally got nothing of the sort.

 

But that's the thing - it's early days, you two haven't even slept together - how do you expect him to be totally into you yet? For me, I have no idea if I am totally into someone for a while, and probably not before I sleep with them - I would consider this just a little getting to know, having some fun on dates.

[katiegrl]

I can't see where he is coming from. On first read I agreed with you but st the same time you didn't talk about being exclusive. I will date more than one gir until I know that she is interested in me and I see a future there. So many times a girl "seems" interested then disappears. I don't sleep around. At the same time the last girl was so "into me" in the early stages then she became really demanding of my time and when I wasn't able to give her more time she got pissed and ended things. Better to have options.

 

Why does KatZee need to talk about being exclusive? I mean either two people are "really" into each other or not, what needs to be "spelled out"? I have never understood that premise.

 

 

Two people meet, there is chemistry, they click, they start to date, realize there is potential for a relationship, so they focus on each other to see where it will lead.

 

 

Why confuse things by continuing to search for others on a dating site, UNLESS he feels he can do BETTER than the person he is dating (in this case KatZee)?

 

 

And now that she knows this, why should she continue investing her HEART into a guy who thinks he can do better? That would be kind of dumb, don't you think?

 

 

I certainly wouldn't.

 

 

I have never had the exclusivity talk with any of my boyfriends, including my current of five years. Never needed to. We both knew how into each other we were, there was never ever doubt or question. I mean, when you know, you know.

 

 

KatZee "thought" she knew, but found out she was wrong. That sucks.

 

 

If it were me, I would walk away. Let him be as active on the site as his heart desires. I am outta there. To find a man who is truly into me, and DOES believe I am good enough.

 

 

KZ, I am sure he liked you and enjoyed his time with you... but if he were truly into you and felt you WERE good enough... he would NOT be searching for others. Exclusivity talk or no exclusivity talk.

 

 

The talk is just a formality...it really means jack shyt in the grand scheme of things. What matters are ACTIONS. And his are loud and clear.

 

 

I am sorry KatZee.... yeah how utterly disappointing. Move on, block him and go find yourself a man who gives a crap.