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When to have the "what are we" talk, or defining the relationship


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Posted

I've been dating someone for about 4 months - we saw each other maybe once a week for the first month, and truthfully, both of us were kind of on the fence up until then. Around the 1 month mark something clicked, and it's been pretty great since. We've been seeing each other maybe 5 days a week and only rarely not spending the night together.

 

Anyhow, I'm wondering when people/couples typically have a conversation about what they are, or the "defining the relationship" talk. Truthfully, I've been in a variety of longer relationships and have never had this conversation before, so the concept is a bit new to me.

 

To that end, it would be also great to get peoples' thoughts about what the intended goal/target information is from these conversations, and thoughts/anecdotes about how to make it smooth as opposed to awkward.

 

And yes, since I'm asking about this, as I do get occasional mixed vibes for the other person - most of the time they seem pretty jazzed, but maybe once a week, or every other, it almost seems like they're there because they don't have anything better to do, and consequently, are kind of dialing it in. I kind of want to use this kind of conversation to do a bit of snooping to understand that a bit better.

Posted

Ive been dating my BF for 3 months and we have not had that talk either. I don't think it is really necessary but some people do. We got in a bit of a spat on Saturday and I did ask him if he was seeing anyone else since things were being said I thought it was time. He said NO, then said wait, are you? Ha ha so thats about it so far, we are exclusive, but theres no reason to talk about where do you see this headed because at this time, Im not sure about that either you know? I would not know how to answer that if he asked me. Right now its fun, but long term, not sure.

 

I have seen it posted many times on these forums that you should have that talk before you have sex. So I guess that would be some sort of answer as you don't want to be sleeping with him if he is sleeping with other girls its important for health reasons and to know if you are exclusive.

 

Actions speak louder then words is my motto.

 

 

I've been dating someone for about 4 months - we saw each other maybe once a week for the first month, and truthfully, both of us were kind of on the fence up until then. Around the 1 month mark something clicked, and it's been pretty great since. We've been seeing each other maybe 5 days a week and only rarely not spending the night together.

 

Anyhow, I'm wondering when people/couples typically have a conversation about what they are, or the "defining the relationship" talk. Truthfully, I've been in a variety of longer relationships and have never had this conversation before, so the concept is a bit new to me.

 

To that end, it would be also great to get peoples' thoughts about what the intended goal/target information is from these conversations, and thoughts/anecdotes about how to make it smooth as opposed to awkward.

 

And yes, since I'm asking about this, as I do get occasional mixed vibes for the other person - most of the time they seem pretty jazzed, but maybe once a week, or every other, it almost seems like they're there because they don't have anything better to do, and consequently, are kind of dialing it in. I kind of want to use this kind of conversation to do a bit of snooping to understand that a bit better.

Posted

i think its good to let someone know beforehand even early in the piece that you are looking for a committed long term relationship so time is not wasted time.....if you arent looking for exclusive commitment i think its better known that you are looking only for casual fun..or if you multi date that ought to be shared.....as far as having the talk if you put it out in the open straight up the talk can wait and you can concentrate on knowing each other better.....most guys i have been with appreciate the honesty......and i appreciate their honesty to me and with me just as much.........deb

Posted

You have it when you are ready to have. It's not automatically measured on a calendar.

 

 

You absolutely have it before sex but other than that when is up to you

  • Like 3
Posted
I've been dating someone for about 4 months - we saw each other maybe once a week for the first month, and truthfully, both of us were kind of on the fence up until then. Around the 1 month mark something clicked, and it's been pretty great since. We've been seeing each other maybe 5 days a week and only rarely not spending the night together.

 

Anyhow, I'm wondering when people/couples typically have a conversation about what they are, or the "defining the relationship" talk. Truthfully, I've been in a variety of longer relationships and have never had this conversation before, so the concept is a bit new to me.

 

To that end, it would be also great to get peoples' thoughts about what the intended goal/target information is from these conversations, and thoughts/anecdotes about how to make it smooth as opposed to awkward.

 

And yes, since I'm asking about this, as I do get occasional mixed vibes for the other person - most of the time they seem pretty jazzed, but maybe once a week, or every other, it almost seems like they're there because they don't have anything better to do, and consequently, are kind of dialing it in. I kind of want to use this kind of conversation to do a bit of snooping to understand that a bit better.

 

In the early stage of a new dating scenario you should have a casual conversation about what each of you is looking for for yourselves in general. If you're looking for a long-term relationship and the other is too, you observe whether they are dating you for that purpose. Whether they are consistent with quality communication, setting up proper dates, etc. If that's happening and you get to the point you are at, you open another very casual, non-confrontational conversation. You say something like "I've been enjoying the time we're spending together these last few months (and mention some things you like about him and the relationship). Then you say, I'm not interested in dating anyone else". Then you let them talk. You simply make a statement, you don't put him on the spot or pressure him in anyway.

 

If you've been intimate with him, there should have been a conversation about exclusivity at that point at least.

 

At 4 months, if you haven't had conversations about dating goals and/or exclusivity, you need to do that at the very least. If you havent, then that's all I would do for now. I wouldn't push the "define the relationship" talk until after those two subjects have been addressed. I'd wait for the DTR talk for a while after addressing these. I might wait anyway for the DTR for another month or so to see if he brings it up. You've gone this far into it and it's been good, waiting another month or so to do DTR talk, won't hurt anything.

Posted

I think if you have to ask an outside party when and what, then something is off.

 

You intuit that sometimes it feels like they're going through the motions. That's because they are...

  • Like 1
Posted

I think its crucial to discuss what you want and let it be known. Letting things flow and not communicating leaves room for "well, you never let me know what you wanted" or "I didn't know that we were serious" down the line.

 

Absolutely communicate what you want and expect before you have sex, unless of course, you don't care and all you want is no strings.

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