lana-banana Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 It probably didn't cause him any pain at all, just mild irritation. You didn't "apologize" for anything except for reaching out and you only did that after you realized he wasn't particularly interested in talking to you. I'm sure you're in a better frame of mind, but those messages made you sound kind of unstable. Based on his reaction it seems he thought so too. Don't contact him again. Not only did this set back your healing process, but you also looked foolish. This was the texting equivalent of flouncing into a room, shouting "LOOK AT ME!", then insisting you don't really want attention while taking your clothes off. (Did that make you cringe? I'm sorry if it hurt your feelings but you can use those feelings in the future. The next time you want to contact him just think about how embarrassed you are in this moment and that should stamp out any urge. It's like touching a hot stove.)
Author Catwalk87 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 I'm actually not embarrassed in the slightest and I don't believe my emails were in the slightest unstable. If you re read I specifically apologized on the third email. He also did not have to respond, no? The conversation wouldn't have gone past the first one
mightycpa Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Right, wrong or indifferent, the deed is done. Could you have been more eloquent? Certainly. A well written and cogent handwritten letter might have shown that you put a little more thought into it than you showed with your clumsy apology. But, either way, it was an apology for you and it didn't seem to move him one way or the other. It's not like you did this for a grade. You did it to get it done, right? There you go. Mission accomplished. Next! 1
lana-banana Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I'm actually not embarrassed in the slightest and I don't believe my emails were in the slightest unstable. If you re read I specifically apologized on the third email. He also did not have to respond, no? The conversation wouldn't have gone past the first one What conversation? His responses were basically non-responses. He was telling you he didn't know or care why you were contacting him. Once you got around to explaining what you wanted he told you he didn't care. I don't advocate annoying people just because it makes you feel better, but like you said this was for you. So...congratulations, I guess. Next time I would let sleeping dogs lie and not assume that exes want to hear from you months after the fact. 1
pidgeon1010 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I have to agree with Lana-banana on this one. There was no conversation. He was baffled as to why you would reach out. And you never really apologized for anything in particular. You did say you wanted to apologize for a lot of things but what type of apology is that? You told him you were sorry for contacting him a couple of times but never really told him exactly what you're sorry for in regards to the relationship (which should have been your first and only text if apologizing was all you wanted to do). Your first text made it seem like you were throwing out a feeler to see where his head was at and whether he might be interested in reconnecting and when he sent that cold response, you started backtracking. Anyways at least you got something off your chest and can move forward now. It's best to leave him alone. 3
aloneinaz Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I think the underlying reason you contacted him was to see if you could get some dialogue going. You mentioned that you're out of your last relationship and he's still single. Was there an intent on wanting to see if he'd be open to seeing each other again? If you simply wanted to apologize for your behavior while you were together with him and didn't particularly want a conversation, you could of wrote a closed ended email that was very detailed as to why you contacted him that included the apology. The way you contacted him was very open ended hoping for a response. I wonder if you're not hoping or expecting him to noddle your contact further and then reach back out to you as you may be disappointed. I don't think when a relationship ends that we should automatically say "I'll never speak to this person again, ever".. After some years pass, there's no reason that you couldn't run into an ex, be civil and catch up on how they are doing in their lives. I have a few ex GF's on FB from a decade or more ago. While we didn't work together, we weren't horrible to each other at the end. I enjoy the occasional catch up message and seeing their kids and lives.
minime13 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 So, you just posted on another thread that you just had an abortion? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/531404-28yr-bf-abandons-me-runs-mommy-5. Obviously, if you broke up 9 months ago, this wasn't his. Maybe you were feeling some kind of underlying guilt, and this is what prompted you to reach out to him, in particular. 4
lgspot Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I'm actually not embarrassed in the slightest and I don't believe my emails were in the slightest unstable. If you re read I specifically apologized on the third email. He also did not have to respond, no? The conversation wouldn't have gone past the first one Catwalk In many recovery situations, an amends (apology) is a step towards recovery. My ex has an addiction that caused a multitude of problems. She similarly reached out to me and my responses were short and guarded. I do appreciate the effort and we have a better environment than before. I haven't forgotten, but can forgive. Apologies are not always perfect, but can open a dialogue. Sometimes we have to do and say things that help "us" move forward. I would expect you reaching out will mean a lot to him. If not today---someday. LoveShack is about the many facets of love. Marriage, dating, loss, etc... Sometimes it is just about life. In a straight up love relationship I would be commenting as most of the others have--NC and leave it alone. From your position as you described, I don't feel you did anything wrong. Perhaps just the interaction you had will allow you both to move forward. Blessings on a clean life.
BC1980 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 OP, is this apology part of a 12 step program? You stated in one of your posts that you are an addict and have been clean for 13 months.
quattrob Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Like many people have replied, apologizing out of selfishness is just bad. Leaving him alone would've been what you "owed" him. Not your selfish apology to make yourself feel better. No one would appreciate that kind of an apology when they think of themselves. The best thing you could've done for him was to leave him alone, he is fine without your apology and certainly didn't seem like he cared at this point. You may not agree but try thinking in his shoes (as hard as that maybe for you), you're just intruding in his life for reaching out.
imbax Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 When I broke NC and met up with my exgirlfriend last week. She mentioned to me how she was planning to send me a text in around 6 months apologising for leaving me all the way in the countryside by myself. My initial thoughts were, wow she is kind and thoughtful. But the more I thought into it, the more I realised she didn't give a f*ck about me and wanted to apologise to ease her own guilt. It wasn't for me, it would probably annoy me. It was 100% for her own selfish needs. F*ck her
Mondmellonw Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 OP, if this is part of a 12 step program, then all you can/must do now is to stay away from this person. Don't say anything more. If you hurt your ex, then the best apology is to stay away from him and work on yourself. I recieved a really selfish apology once, from a person who is an A, and it made things worse.
aloneinaz Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I still believe that dumpers come back to "apologize" as a means of engaging in contact before they ask for another chance. Some people think they need to apologize and others feel they need closure. I really don't think either are needed as others have already mentioned. My last ex was a raging Biioootch the last few months of our lousy relationship. She ended it when I told her I'd had enough of her treatment. I moved on, found my current GF of almost 2 years. 5.5 month after the ex dumped me, she tried to contact me. Guess what her strategy was? Yup, she said she owed me an apology for her behavior. I was over her and told her I forgive her and good luck. She then made it known that she also wanted another chance which I declined. 1
Mondmellonw Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I still believe that dumpers come back to "apologize" as a means of engaging in contact before they ask for another chance. Some people think they need to apologize and others feel they need closure. I really don't think either are needed as others have already mentioned. My last ex was a raging Biioootch the last few months of our lousy relationship. She ended it when I told her I'd had enough of her treatment. I moved on, found my current GF of almost 2 years. 5.5 month after the ex dumped me, she tried to contact me. Guess what her strategy was? Yup, she said she owed me an apology for her behavior. I was over her and told her I forgive her and good luck. She then made it known that she also wanted another chance which I declined. I agree, but this isn't always the case. Sometimes, they only want to release their guilt. But, as you stated, this also happened to me. Ex wanted to get back together, and his first step was to apologize. By a text. Nah 2
ZiggyZoo Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I'm sure many will judge but I had the abortion today. I believe I will have a broken heart the rest of my life. I feel nothing but anger and pure hatred towards him. I'm praying for peace as my stuff is moved out and the abortion is complete that I can now start to remotely puzzle my life back together... However I am certain it will never be the same again. Whoa, yeah, like minime13 pointed out, you posted this in another thread. What's going on? Maybe if you filled us in a little about this relationship, we could best advise you. I'd be willing to bet that THIS had some bearing on why you contacted your ex like you did...
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