rainrhonda Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 My ex met a woman after dating me a few years ago, they fell in love and got engaged but she passed before they could get married. It was over a year ago. He and ran into eachother only 3 months later. We decided to try again but he was still grieving too much for it to get very far. So we remained only friends, and a couple months ago we have yet decided to try again. Its going much better this time although, he is still in a grieving phase just not as intense. He has a large poster of her picture in his bedroom. It has bothered me a tad but not enough to make it a big deal. Its just strange to have it there during bedroom activity... Last weekend I stayed the night and the next morning I noticed her picture was not there. He must have moved it at some point. Later that day, I saw him get the picture and put it back in its place.. Well he did that with me in the same room. So what is this all about? His way of moving on, or because he thinks I don't like it? There are other small pics in the room, but just a couple. I hardly notice those most of the time. But the large portrait is very large...
pteromom Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Last weekend I stayed the night and the next morning I noticed her picture was not there. He must have moved it at some point. Later that day, I saw him get the picture and put it back in its place.. Well he did that with me in the same room. So what is this all about? His way of moving on, or because he thinks I don't like it? Likely because he is still grieving and felt very guilty for removing it in the first place. You need to talk with him. Tell him you understand he misses her and wants to keep her photos. Ask him if he would mind moving them elsewhere in his home, so that you don't have to look at her while you are being intimate. Be very gentle and kind about how you bring it up. If he refuses, he simply isn't ready for a relationship yet.
jen1447 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 My guess is that he felt uncomfortable with his late ex 'watching.' Were you being intimate? I think it's great that you feel you could live with that. A lost loved one (particularly romantic) never actually goes away for the bereaved, so if you can accept that part of them, it shows you have a big heart. 4
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 He is far from ready he's still grieving the loss of his fiance. Either accept that he's not there yet and don't put any demands on him (telling him to remove pictures etc). Are you sure you want to get involved with him? He may not be emotionally ready to open his heart and invest in a relationship with you right now and you're going to get hurt. 1
RedRobin Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 (edited) Has he gone to any grief counseling? As a person who lost their fiancée very suddenly years ago, I can tell you that the feelings are complicated. For me, it wasn't just about missing that person or doing comparisons. It changed my whole perspective on life and dealing with uncertainty. For some, it can provoke some deep abandonment issues... Pair that with whatever cultural expectations he grew up with and ideas about what grief should look like... It's complicated. I hope he is getting some professional help by someone who is trained in bereavement issues. Until then, maybe he isn't in the best place for an intimate relationship. Also, depending on how she passed, there may be some PTSD like symptoms. For me, a certain time of year always evokes that 'time'... Almost without me knowing it. I get a little anxious, then I realize... Oh, it's that time if year... Close to the anniversary of his death. I don't think about him on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis anymore... But I imagine the incident will never be fully erased... Even though I have loved another since then. Think about it like your favorite pet... It dies... And you miss it... But you love your new pet as much or even more... But differently.... Most people do overcome the death of a spouse or SO and go on to love again. Edited June 8, 2015 by RedRobin 3
Author rainrhonda Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 He is far from ready he's still grieving the loss of his fiance. Either accept that he's not there yet and don't put any demands on him (telling him to remove pictures etc). Are you sure you want to get involved with him? He may not be emotionally ready to open his heart and invest in a relationship with you right now and you're going to get hurt. I wouldn't ask him to remove them.. Not now anyway because its only been over a year. That isn't very long..I sord of think he was either doing that out of respect for me or because he didn't doesn't want her "to watch" intimacy. Either way it may be a step towards him moving on with me because he hasn't done this before now. I can tell that he enjoys me alot but she was the love of his life. I don't want to demand taking them down yet I don't want to encourage leaving them either. Part of the reason I just stay silent is because I know everyone has their own grieving process. But it would be nice to think its because I'm growing on him
mystikmind2005 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I wouldn't ask him to remove them.. Not now anyway because its only been over a year. That isn't very long..I sord of think he was either doing that out of respect for me or because he didn't doesn't want her "to watch" intimacy. Either way it may be a step towards him moving on with me because he hasn't done this before now. I can tell that he enjoys me alot but she was the love of his life. I don't want to demand taking them down yet I don't want to encourage leaving them either. Part of the reason I just stay silent is because I know everyone has their own grieving process. But it would be nice to think its because I'm growing on him You have a good attitude here i think. ,,, you know, think about what would you want for the man you loved if you died, would you not want some angel just like you are now to come along and take care of him? 1
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I wouldn't ask him to remove them.. Not now anyway because its only been over a year. That isn't very long..I sord of think he was either doing that out of respect for me or because he didn't doesn't want her "to watch" intimacy. Either way it may be a step towards him moving on with me because he hasn't done this before now. I can tell that he enjoys me alot but she was the love of his life. I don't want to demand taking them down yet I don't want to encourage leaving them either. Part of the reason I just stay silent is because I know everyone has their own grieving process. But it would be nice to think its because I'm growing on him Don't ever ask him to remove them! My father passed away many years ago when I was in my 20's. My mom found love again 3 years ago and if her live in boyfriend told her to remove pictures of my father, she would be insulted and pissed off, as would I and the rest of my siblings. His fiance is part of who he is and you can't be scared of the memory of her and how much he loved her. Accept this part of his past and don't ever try to dictate what he should do with pictures of her. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Don't ever ask him to remove them! My father passed away many years ago when I was in my 20's. My mom found love again 3 years ago and if her live in boyfriend told her to remove pictures of my father, she would be insulted and pissed off, as would I and the rest of my siblings. His fiance is part of who he is and you can't be scared of the memory of her and how much he loved her. Accept this part of his past and don't ever try to dictate what he should do with pictures of her. By the same token, there also comes a time to show a little more respect for the living. The OP shouldn't have to spend her entire relationship with this guy being made to feel that she's some kind of consolation prize because the 'love of his life' died. 4
Standard-Fare Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 How about the bigger picture here? OP it seems like you're being really cool and open-minded about everything here, but I'm wondering WHY exactly you're being that cool. You said yourself: "I can tell that he enjoys me alot but she was the love of his life." Is this really a great position for you to be in in a relationship? Especially with an ex of yours? It sounds like the two of you broke up, he met the love of his life, she died, and now he's settling back with you. This MUST raise some insecurities. The picture of her in the bedroom is just one small symbol of all this. 1
salparadise Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Don't ever ask him to remove them! My father passed away many years ago when I was in my 20's. My mom found love again 3 years ago and if her live in boyfriend told her to remove pictures of my father, she would be insulted and pissed off, as would I and the rest of my siblings. His fiance is part of who he is and you can't be scared of the memory of her and how much he loved her. Accept this part of his past and don't ever try to dictate what he should do with pictures of her. Don't assume that your dislike of the idea of your father's photos being taken down translates to "should" or "don't ever" imperatives for the OP. Different people, different relationships, and she is every bit as entitled to her feelings and preferences as you are to yours. OP, I think you are being extremely gracious and patient; I think it would be difficult to nurture a relationship and progress normally with the pictures on display. If I were him, I wouldn't expect it to be OK with the new girlfriend to have the images of the former girlfriend all over the place... and especially a large, poster sized image hanging in the bedroom! And if I were you, I wouldn't be ok with the implication that you are less desirable replacement either. The appropriate thing would be for him to realize this himself, and if the two of you getting serious (and naked), the least he could do is remove the photos from display and keep them in an album where you don't have to deal with them every time you walk through the door... or slide between the sheets! He must not be oblivious or he wouldn't have taken that poster down. But maybe he did that because it was bothering him rather than out of concern for your feelings. Putting it back up in your presence seems odd. 1
sandylee1 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) Why not spend more time at your place Tbh I really don't think he's ready for a relationship right now. It could be you should pull back and remain friends. ETA I think your settling and there's nothing worse than living in the shadows of a dead person. I'd move on . Edited June 9, 2015 by sandylee1 eta 1
Toodaloo Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I am going to come right out and say it. You are a rebound. He wants comfort and is hurting and you are a known entity to him and you are giving him what he desires sexually and he is getting some TLC while he is hurting. His ex may now be dead - but you are still a rebound. Sorry OP this does not bode well for you at all. Have a hug. 2
whichwayisup Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 By the same token, there also comes a time to show a little more respect for the living. The OP shouldn't have to spend her entire relationship with this guy being made to feel that she's some kind of consolation prize because the 'love of his life' died. Compromise would be - No pictures in the bedroom but okay in the other parts of the house.
Author rainrhonda Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 Compromise would be - No pictures in the bedroom but okay in the other parts of the house. This I agree with. For now I understand and I can deal. But if we become more involved, eventually, I would have to ask for no pics in the bedroom of all places. Anywhere else is acceptable, but after while the bedroom thing would have to give.. I also think he is understanding enough of a guy that if i said that at the right time and right way, he would get it. But that time isn't now. We do also spend time at my place, we have been good about balancing it that way. As far as rebound.. I sordof think this sterotype exists for any widow even if the death was 20 years ago. If you lose the love of your life, anyone will be a rebound in a sense. As the person dating a widower, it' just something you have to learn how to accept. Even he fell madly in love with me, part of me would still be a "rebound". He is a wonderful guy and companion. So I do not feel that this would be "settling". However I'm aware that he's still in a grieving phase and he could change his mind about us at any given time. But a person is not less deserving of love because of this. It's admirable how much he loved her. Other women in my shoes may not be able to see it that way.
mystikmind2005 Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 I am going to come right out and say it. You are a rebound. He wants comfort and is hurting and you are a known entity to him and you are giving him what he desires sexually and he is getting some TLC while he is hurting. His ex may now be dead - but you are still a rebound. Sorry OP this does not bode well for you at all. Have a hug. I have seen a few studies coming out these days that show the 'rebound' is not as much a big deal as what it is made out to be. Rebound or not, the failure rate of relationships is naturally high, thats life, but the fact tends to paint rebound relationships in a bad light because that is the factor everyone automatically blames if it is in the vicinity.... it is the same kind of prejudice as a black guy standing near a crime scene, get what i mean?
Author rainrhonda Posted June 10, 2015 Author Posted June 10, 2015 I have seen a few studies coming out these days that show the 'rebound' is not as much a big deal as what it is made out to be. Rebound or not, the failure rate of relationships is naturally high, thats life, but the fact tends to paint rebound relationships in a bad light because that is the factor everyone automatically blames if it is in the vicinity.... it is the same kind of prejudice as a black guy standing near a crime scene, get what i mean? Especially at my age.. He and I both are almost 40..the rebound term sounds high schoolish by this point. At this point in your lives you have both experienced losses and failed relationships. I think it's considered moving on, or steps toward moving on, more than a "rebound". He has attempted to date other women since she died. And he just wasn't interested. Maybe I'm not his world like she was, but I am more interesting to him than these other "rebounds" have been, for sure. He expresses how much he enjoys time with me. For him that is a big step in moving on. For just a "rebound", he could pick any gal. I think the term is more adequate for a one night stand or something of that nature. 1
whichwayisup Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 This I agree with. For now I understand and I can deal. But if we become more involved, eventually, I would have to ask for no pics in the bedroom of all places. Anywhere else is acceptable, but after while the bedroom thing would have to give.. I also think he is understanding enough of a guy that if i said that at the right time and right way, he would get it. But that time isn't now. We do also spend time at my place, we have been good about balancing it that way. As far as rebound.. I sordof think this sterotype exists for any widow even if the death was 20 years ago. If you lose the love of your life, anyone will be a rebound in a sense. As the person dating a widower, it' just something you have to learn how to accept. Even he fell madly in love with me, part of me would still be a "rebound". He is a wonderful guy and companion. So I do not feel that this would be "settling". However I'm aware that he's still in a grieving phase and he could change his mind about us at any given time. But a person is not less deserving of love because of this. It's admirable how much he loved her. Other women in my shoes may not be able to see it that way. Take it slowly, no pressure and allow him to dictate how things go. Though with that said, you don't want to invest in someone who isn't ready for a long term relationship/marriage. IF he is still grieving or things haven't progressed (you decide what your time limit is) in the future, then you need re think if he is the one for you.
RedRobin Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 This I agree with. For now I understand and I can deal. But if we become more involved, eventually, I would have to ask for no pics in the bedroom of all places. Anywhere else is acceptable, but after while the bedroom thing would have to give.. I also think he is understanding enough of a guy that if i said that at the right time and right way, he would get it. But that time isn't now. We do also spend time at my place, we have been good about balancing it that way. As far as rebound.. I sordof think this sterotype exists for any widow even if the death was 20 years ago. If you lose the love of your life, anyone will be a rebound in a sense. As the person dating a widower, it' just something you have to learn how to accept. Even he fell madly in love with me, part of me would still be a "rebound". He is a wonderful guy and companion. So I do not feel that this would be "settling". However I'm aware that he's still in a grieving phase and he could change his mind about us at any given time. But a person is not less deserving of love because of this. It's admirable how much he loved her. Other women in my shoes may not be able to see it that way. No way do I feel like any of the men who came after my fiancée was a 'rebound'. I don't waste my time with people I am not passionate about in some way. If there is one thing I have learned from all this, is that life is short, anything can happen, and I will not waste one second in a job or relationship that is unfulfilling or sucks my energy. But that is me. Some people prefer to dwell in the past. It is natural while you are grieving... And everyone's grieving process is different... But I fully expect to find someone I loved as much as my fiancée... Albeit differently.
autumnnight Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 There are also studies that say that when a man especially was happily married before his wife died, he is actually likely to get remarried SOONER. I think honoring his wife's memory in the living room or library or den is great. I think if you become a permanent part of his life, it is PERFECTLY acceptable to request that she NOT be a part of your bedroom. 2
Standard-Fare Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 @Rainhonda, I do think your attitude toward this is pretty realistic and open-minded. The only thing that gives me pause is the fact that you're this guy's ex. It isn't like he's starting fresh with you after the loss of his wife. You guys have some history, and you tried and failed before in the past. I'm really just thinking of this in terms of a couple of my own exes who are now married, trying to imagine what it would be like if their wife died and I reunited with them somehow. It's just a strange concept. You don't have to explain yourself or defend yourself in any way, just wondering how the ex factor works into all of this.
preraph Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 He's trying to work himself up to remove it but isn't ready. I'd just be patient. But not so patient he forgets it's up there. Maybe when it gets awkward and your friends start asking who it is....he'll realize it's not really fair to keep something that big up long. I wouldn't blame him for always keeping a smaller photo in place forever along with a lot of other photos. But a shrine isn't appropriate once you're with someone else. Maybe a few months down the road, if you're living together, you make an area for some of your and his photos in a grouping on a discreet wall, like the halls by the bedroom, and put yours up and offer to put up (one) of hers as well.
Author rainrhonda Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 @Rainhonda, I do think your attitude toward this is pretty realistic and open-minded. The only thing that gives me pause is the fact that you're this guy's ex. It isn't like he's starting fresh with you after the loss of his wife. You guys have some history, and you tried and failed before in the past. I'm really just thinking of this in terms of a couple of my own exes who are now married, trying to imagine what it would be like if their wife died and I reunited with them somehow. It's just a strange concept. You don't have to explain yourself or defend yourself in any way, just wondering how the ex factor works into all of this. First time around, he was moving a bitntoo quickly in serious mode for me, and I began to feel smothered at times. He would get offended if I didn't want to see him all the time.. I am a person who needs me time, or some space, so I started to feel meeting his needs was tiring me out. I also had a very tiring job at the time with very odd shifts and hours. This time is way better. Our schedules match. And, he is not in a place that he wants to rush it and demand too much too soon. Its very relaxed and comfortable. This time we seem to be realizing we enjoy alot of same interests and just generally seem to enjoy each others company more, all because there isnt alot of pressure. His grieving and need to go slow works quite well for me. Life is funny. 1
mystikmind2005 Posted June 11, 2015 Posted June 11, 2015 First time around, he was moving a bitntoo quickly in serious mode for me, and I began to feel smothered at times. He would get offended if I didn't want to see him all the time.. I am a person who needs me time, or some space, so I started to feel meeting his needs was tiring me out. I also had a very tiring job at the time with very odd shifts and hours. This time is way better. Our schedules match. And, he is not in a place that he wants to rush it and demand too much too soon. Its very relaxed and comfortable. This time we seem to be realizing we enjoy alot of same interests and just generally seem to enjoy each others company more, all because there isnt alot of pressure. His grieving and need to go slow works quite well for me. Life is funny. I think your doing the right thing, but also, try to see what you can learn from all the advice here, even advice you don't like,,, you can never have enough wisdom.... so long as you don't let it grow into insecurity, that you don't need. It is better to believe in a relationship and be surprised if it fails than to live in fear of failure.
Author rainrhonda Posted June 11, 2015 Author Posted June 11, 2015 I think your doing the right thing, but also, try to see what you can learn from all the advice here, even advice you don't like,,, you can never have enough wisdom.... so long as you don't let it grow into insecurity, that you don't need. It is better to believe in a relationship and be surprised if it fails than to live in fear of failure. Well I'm still working sordof in disbelief that we even reconnected, its nothing I would have predicted a few years ago.. Life sure has its twists. This time I'm happy that he isn't trying to be serious quickly, because I think its allowing us to learn about eachother better. I like him yet my feelings don't go far beyond that yet, and not sure they ever will, but most importantly I'm quite happy that way and thinking he is on the same page, which is good. In time we may discover we want to stay together, if not its a friendship that I don't see going away However I would not be opposed to going the next level if he asked.
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