Eternal_Sunshine Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 My question is pretty straight-forward: Is it possible to be sleeping around without questioning a deeper reason for why you are doing this / not realising that it is essentially soul-destroying (because you are innately of a different disposition - not the action being bad in itself, some people are happy with that, i understand.) ? A short backstory here: Met a guy I was crazy about & I thought vice versa, until yesterday when we finally had a more serious "talk" as nothing between us had been explicitly established for over a month. Eventually, as I had suspected, he has commitment/fidelity/etc. issues, so I stuck with my belief that you can't change people .. if he wants to continue sleeping around, then I'm fine with it - I'll just gracefully pull myself out of the equation, while simultaneously mentally chiding myself for not having determined this crucial factor sooner (as a result of wanting to play it cool.) But the infuriating twist came about when he claimed that I understood him so much more and made him see a different side of himself, i.e. HE DIDN'T REALISE WHAT HE'D BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS!! Could it be he has an extremely low level of self-awareness (he seems on point with analysis of people around us & generally intelligent albeit a little too carefree & funloving?) or is he simply bull-****ting me to cushion my hurt? (he is a refreshing honest character but sometimes too nice to hurt others) i.e. Conveniently halting my hopes of progression for this relationship with a lame excuse. He seemed genuinely distraught & taken aback when I matter-of-factly brought to light what triggered his current situation (early 20s heartbreak -> jadednes -> sleeping around, commitment phobe..) & how this was most likely a defense mechanism - I highly doubt he is such this way as a person deep inside. Or perhaps I am mistaken and he is a regular, two-bit douchebag. We talked it out and agreed he'll spend some time thinking about things & subsequently , come back to me with a decision if he would like to try work on a normal loving relationship or otherwise, we carry on with our lives. I'm very much attracted to him but it is a pretty high-risk for me considering, on top of everything, his overtly flirty nature.
candie13 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 can't change people, I'm afraid. I've bumped into the exact same character one year ago. Thing is... I don't want to generalize, but this lifestyle - sleeping around, being always on "hunting" mode - at some moment, stops being just innocent fun, becoming instead your second nature. I do believe a promiscuous love life corrupts internally, as the thrills of the chase, the highest highs and lowest lows push their sensitivity to another level. I am not sure they can have, enjoy or appreciate a "normal" relationship, as they will miss the excitement. I am not saying it is not possible. Anything is possible. But you'll have to give them that excitement, you'll be the commander chief, responsible for his / her own private entertainment. If games, heartbreak warfares are not in your nature, you cannot keep him. Or unless he falls madly inlove with just how you are... hard, as people sleeping around usually are also masters of mindf*cking and mind games. Womanizers are an entire category in themselves. They lie - or simply withhold the truth.How can you trust such a person? I am sorry, ES, even though I am sure he means it and I am sure he is thinking about it, it takes a LOT of energy for him to make that change. Why would he, when he is already living the dream of 90% of males - being young, attractive, free, decent cash and with the ability to sleep with as many women as they possibly can? How can you go back to living with just one woman, sleeping with just one woman, calling just one woman, texting just one woman? Last summer's fling had 5 women on the go. As soon as I broke up with my ex, he came back running, texting, asking me out, being funny and all. Bad news, girl. You (and I) won't be competing with these other girls. We're competing with a lifestyle. Our chances of success are 0 to null. In my book... it's supposed to be easy, for it to work. You don't have to do any convincing. You don't have to "prove" yourself. You don't have to have the big talk with him. Such people exist. I've realized, in order for me to attract such people, I need to be extra clear inside my head with what I want. I am not up for "whatever". I am not into having fun first and seeing later. I know what I want from the beginning. And if I see that he is aiming for the cookie jar first, without any sustainable action from his part to make me an active part of his life, I just say "Next". Sooooo many fish in the sea... really ! 2
mystikmind2005 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I think the realistic choice here is either 'Open' relationship or close the door..... fb would work just as good i guess.
jen1447 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I'd be skeptical, but I do think it's possible for people to be exposed to unfamiliar ideas and be moved by them. But yeah it's more likely he's just that guy.
candie13 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 just had an epiphany: it's a lot easier to do OLD and get exposure to new people, because this cuts you off from the past, from thinking, from analyzing. OLD is an active step forward, it grounds one firmly in today, it boosts the ego irrelevant if it works out or not, the energy behind is positive, exciting. Not doing OLD all the time, not chasing after girls all the time, one would need to deal with his or her own feelings and thoughts, linked to the past or previous RS. Hard stuff, painful. Continuous OLD and sleeping around is like a permanent anesthesia plus the instant gratification. Very easy to abuse it and become addicted to it. on top of the excitement of getting to seduce new women IRL... 1
Emilia Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I think OP that he is a liar yes. I know a guy I slept with over a year ago. I did that to get over someone else, I had zero interest in this person. Since I knew he slept around loads I figured that would be it. My god was I wrong. He kept giving me this spiel about how he wanted me to stick around, how my friendship was important, why wasn't I talking to him anymore yadda yadda. Pretending he gave a f****. It's all about the ego OP. He just wanted another woman in his harem. I'm older, maybe that makes me a more unique species, who knows? Maybe you are black or a redhead or have a nice ass or whatever. He just wants you for his collection. Ignore!
candie13 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 last summer's fling calls himself a "cat breeder" on fb ! 'nough said !
Author Eternal_Sunshine Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 (edited) just had an epiphany: it's a lot easier to do OLD and get exposure to new people, because this cuts you off from the past, from thinking, from analyzing. OLD is an active step forward, it grounds one firmly in today, it boosts the ego irrelevant if it works out or not, the energy behind is positive, exciting. Not doing OLD all the time, not chasing after girls all the time, one would need to deal with his or her own feelings and thoughts, linked to the past or previous RS. Hard stuff, painful. Continuous OLD and sleeping around is like a permanent anesthesia plus the instant gratification. Very easy to abuse it and become addicted to it. on top of the excitement of getting to seduce new women IRL... Thanks for your long reply Candie. It's actually my first time posting on a forum, and I really appreciate the depth in which you responded. Made me feel alot less alone behind the glaring screen on a Monday night Well tiny backstory on myself: I do have a penchant for attracting such men, perhaps due to my zen, overly empathetic nature .. so I can safely say I understand them inside-out as I analyse every detail and depend a lot on my intuition , so this is where it gets complicated - he was evidently very distressed during the process where I explored his 'condition' in an open, inquisitive manner and all of a sudden he was confronted with the realisation of how he'd been leading his life - and insofar as to seek my opinion on mediums to cure himself as this was not a life he wanted . In this moment, I had flashbacks of how he might been like before the emotional scarring, just a regular young boy wanting to be loved, vulnerable. (To get deeper into this, I am very against self-victimising and using past experiences for an extended length to for eg. mask innate perverted desires to sleep around / giving yourself the 'Wild Card'. Yes, we all have needs - but where we draw the line is crucial. If we don't set conscious limits for ourselves, it is all too easy to fall off the wagon. However this was not the case as well , as he hadn't blamed anyone - I simply connected the dots from earlier conversations) Prior to this, as I sat next to him processing stilted confessions, I thought to myself, "not this BS again. I've been through this far too many times to stick around and "save" another blimmin horny sod, who wants to have his cake & eat it too ." If this was such the case, I would have bolted . But my genuine question that brought me here, baffled , is whether he could in fact be so unaware as to not realise his issues before? So deeply repressed that he'd seen nothing wrong with his actions til I shed some light? Is it not the human condition to think deeper about ourselves, our actions? How was he unable to come to this conclusion independently? Now that he has expressed he doesn't wish to be this way - do I accept his sincerity and work things out , potentially risking a relapse of his old behavior? I do have savior complex - it's somehow ultimately more rewarding. but i'm at an age where i sometimes can't care less about the **** holes people are in & weigh out my own advantages. Everything you said struck an all too familiar chord with me . I guess we both have much experience in this field of manipulative, sociopathic men: "even though I am sure he means it and I am sure he is thinking about it, it takes a LOT of energy for him to make that change. Why would he, when he is already living the dream of 90% of males - being young, attractive, free, decent cash and with the ability to sleep with as many women as they possibly can? How can you go back to living with just one woman, sleeping with just one woman, calling just one woman, texting just one woman?" Thanks for this hard truth. Often times, I go in with eyes wide shut in spite of being cynical and having little faith in monogamy - naive. It is indeed hard to break out of habits . but surely at some point it has to get exhausting, all these flings slowly start feeling emptier & emptier - don't we also crave permanence once the novelty of cheap relationships wear off? but then again, i presume for some men it never wears off and that is all there is to them. like animals. I hope my writing has been relatively concise - too many things floating in my head! Edited June 8, 2015 by Eternal_Sunshine
ZiggyZoo Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I think it's entirely possible to sleep around wihout having a deeper meaning, absolutely. Why not, if you're young, using protection, and up front about what the limitations on the relationship are going to be. You obviously know more about this guy's past, to be able to relate his actions to avoidance of negative emotions, but I think it's normal to do it without having a deeper meaning or reasons behind it.
Tarot777 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I can be quite promiscuous, no deeper meaning, just looking to have fun, but if I meet someone amazing, I'll commit 2
candie13 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I can be quite promiscuous, no deeper meaning, just looking to have fun, but if I meet someone amazing, I'll commit Yup, there's always this possibility! Up to you to decide if you bare the risk, or not !
Emilia Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 You are rationalising his behaviour OP to make yourself believe he card. The truth is womanisers switch off empathy and compassion at the drop of the hat. Even mass murderers have a vulnerable side but they are still what they are. Save your understanding and analysis for someone who is capable of caring about you. As it is, it's misplaced. 1
pteromom Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Could it be he has an extremely low level of self-awareness (he seems on point with analysis of people around us & generally intelligent albeit a little too carefree & funloving?) or is he simply bull-****ting me to cushion my hurt? The reasons why don't matter. He has shown you that he has different core values than you do. He thinks there is nothing wrong with sleeping around, nor with stringing someone along and playing with her heart. That's enough of a reason to just cut the whole thing off. I highly doubt he is such this way as a person deep inside. Or perhaps I am mistaken and he is a regular, two-bit douchebag. Ummm... his actions speak quite loudly. Who cares about who he is "deep inside"? He obviously doesn't listen to that inner voice, so it is a moot point. We talked it out and agreed he'll spend some time thinking about things & subsequently , come back to me with a decision if he would like to try work on a normal loving relationship or otherwise, we carry on with our lives. Wow. 1 - you give him a lot of power here. It's all up to him whether you guys will be together or not. 2 - his hesitation tells you all you need to know. He isn't enthusiastic about you. That's a dealbreaker. 3 - TRY to work on a normal relationship. TRY. He doesn't even know if he is capable. 4 - you can do better than this. I'm very much attracted to him but it is a pretty high-risk for me considering, on top of everything, his overtly flirty nature. It's VERY high risk for you. There are attributes in a person much much more important than how they make your heart and loins flutter. Pay attention to his CHARACTER. Not only is this relationship high-risk, it is going to be very rocky and tumultuous. Arguments about flirting and checking girls out. Looking through his phone. Asking him about who girls are in his life. Living on edge, wondering if he is really capable of the fidelity he is stating he has for you. Why sign up for that? 2
pteromom Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I can be quite promiscuous, no deeper meaning, just looking to have fun, but if I meet someone amazing, I'll commit Being promiscuous is one thing. Being promiscuous and dragging someone along who wants you to commit, just so you won't be lonely, is cruel. 1
Qboro90 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 While I agree with some of the replies above to use caution I also can give you a first hand story about my own similar scenario. I was the promiscuous guy in college, athlete, social, cocky and an ******* to girls (not in a scumbag way, just in the sense that I understood what girls that age were attracted to and was able to use it to my advantage) . From 18-22/23 i enjoyed my youth and lived it to the fullest in the typical college guy with hormones nature would. Now, during that time I met a girl who I knew I felt differently about, I knew she was someone you date and not someone you just sleep with. I tried on many occasions to take her out on dates over a 4-5 year span. We occasionally saw each other at bars or out with friends and would kiss but she refused to take it any further than that. I knew by this that she was unlike any girl I had been with before and she explained to me that she did in fact like me and found me attractive, however she was aware of my reputation as a "player" and did not want to date someone like that. This went on until we were 25, me asking, her turning me down until I finally started to mature and was tired of going from girl to girl. I knew I had to show her my attitude and behavior had changed and after coming up with a stellar idea for a date to a place I knew she had always wanted to go, she finally accepted and gave me a shot. I knew I had 1 chance and pulled out all the stops to show her we were very similar in our life goals, interests etc. Proved to her through my actions that I no longer wanted the next pretty girl at the bar. Instead I just wanted her. This took time and effort on my part but to make a long story short we have been dating now for almost 4 years and plan to be married next spring. Moral of the story- some guys just need to mature but they need to come to these realizations on their own or for a reason. She was my reason. For all I know, you can be this guys reason. If he's 45 and still sleeping around it may be a different story but just know that for the right girl, even the most carefree and sexually active men can settle down and change. The key is to set parameters for yourself about how long you'll give him to prove to you he only wants to be with you. Or the best idea would be to take time apart and let him realize that he needs to change his behavior and reputation in order to get the princess. Hope it works out. 4
pteromom Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Thanks for your long reply Candie. It's actually my first time posting on a forum, and I really appreciate the depth in which you responded. FYI you chose a user name that is the same as a very prominent LS member, Eternal Sunshine. So if you get any confusing comments, it may be because people think you are her. 1
candie13 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 (edited) Ok, OP, lots of projections, lots of mental loops, lots of questions. Here are my key learnings - from my own experience: 1. Even Hitler had a mom whom he loved and who loved him back. Means nothing. 2. The rent is paid with cash, not good intentions. Basically, he just mindf*cked you and you are lost in this haze of wishing, hoping and overthinking. Stop it. It doesn't matter what he says. It doesn't matter how he is deep inside, how he could be or become. It's his job to grow, not yours. He very much likes who he is, otherwise he'd change. Which brings me to the key point: FACTS. When dealing with a mindf*cker - womanizer - always watch the facts. Believe nothing that you hear and half of what you see ! The only way to cut through the haze. So stop projecting your expectations onto him. Wait for a better candidate. And in the meantime, watch him. Watch him closely. Liars cannot keep up their lies for too long. Time always tells the truth about a person. Stay well and protect yourself ! Edited June 8, 2015 by candie13 2
mightycpa Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 can't change people, I'm afraidtrue, but that said, people change. I was a heavy-drinking, drug-using, girlfriend-using cheating manwhore too, until I met the woman I was going to marry. She never tried to change me. I just lost interest in all that stuff because of my interest in her. I never threw it in her face, but I did answer honestly about everything she's ever asked me. I've never missed life either, and never did that kind of thing again. I will say that people (my friends) were pretty skeptical at the time. And also, I didn't try to trick women into sleeping with me... I tried to convince them, but I wouldn't make any promises I didn't intend to keep. I never met a woman who is worth all the time and trouble you have to go through to make that viable. It's much easier to find nice looking women who are ready and willing, so I wouldn't worry too much about that "he wants me as a notch on his belt" thing. For a man, it's totally not worth the trouble. It's just a pain in the ass. Notches on the belt are cheap. Stringing someone along just to get them in bed isn't.
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