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Whole family completely disapprove of someone I want to date!

BTS123

By BTS123
in General Relationship Discussion

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norajane Established Member

norajane

Posted
Posted (edited)
The real worry here is whether YOU want to get involved with her, when she has an abusive unstable recent ex. They have a child so he will forever be in your life, and if he's anything like the abusive men I know, you could be in serious danger depending on his whims. You sure you're not just in Captain save-a-ho mode here? She seems like a train wreck, a single Mom so young who has already made bad choices in relationships and I presume doesn't have a secure, well-paid job. Other than the crazy chemistry, what do you actually see in her as a future partner or wife?

 

I agree - ask yourself WHY you are so hot to get involved with a train wreck. What is attracting you to someone on a rebound from an abusive relationship? Are you only attracted to damaged people? Do you crave that kind of drama? And yes, I say she is damaged since the first thing she's doing after getting out of a 3 year abusive relationship is attaching herself to another man before she's straightened out her own head, her own eating disorder, her own life, and the life of her child.

 

Are you doing anything to meet people that can be in a healthy relationship, or are you just glomming onto a hot chick that you want to have sex with who happens to be in front you?

 

Last, think long and hard about the wisdom of becoming involved with her child. Her child needs stability, not a revolving door of men her mom brings around. Her first priority should be the well-being of her child who has been living in an abusive home, not jumping on another man as soon as possible. Don't be that guy.

Edited by norajane
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mystikmind2005 Established Member

mystikmind2005

Posted
Posted
I totally disagree with Mystik. When a mother sees her child about to make a huge mistake, she has to say something. That is not manipulative. The OP here never said anything that indicated the mother was being manipulative. She is just speaking her mind. Being a mother. To say she can't speak up when she sees danger is ridiculous. The OP never indicated that there was some personal gain in it for the mother if OP were to avoid this woman.

 

OP, whatever you decide to do, I'm sure you know your family is just looking out for you. There is no evil intent from them to deny you some great relationship. They just are seeing all the red flags you pointed out. They may even know of more that they can't tell you about bc they have known her better than you and don't want to smear this woman.

 

You say you might want to go for it and then if it does not work out, well you will learn from that. I know it is hard, maybe impossible, to stop yourself once you get into the infatuation stage of a relationship, but believe me, there are some things you don't want to learn the hard way.

 

I'd say you do not want to learn the hard way why not to get mixed up with women that were abused for 3 years and are just fresh out of an abusive relationship by having a kid with one. You could be tied to this woman for the rest of your life if you have a kid with her. She could go back to her abuser, or find a new one, and you would still be tied to her. Think about it. Statistics show that women that were abused, that did not get counseling, go back to their abuser or find a new one. You are likely just the nice guy to temporarily save her before her next go around. If you are not the abusive type you won't hold her interest for long.

 

If you read the things his mother said and that's not manipulation, then i don't know what is? It is safe to say that i have never seen anything more manipulative than that in my entire life, i was shocked!

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loveflower Established Member

loveflower

Posted
Posted

Feelings come and go. Family is forever.

 

do you think your mother has your best interest at heart or the girl?

 

personally, I don't have a lot of respect with a girl who got pregnant and has a child at such young age.

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loveflower Established Member

loveflower

Posted
Posted

I was/am quite close to this female friend(because she always took initiative to hand out with me, because I have a car?), but I wouldn't wish her to any guy I don't hate. (I told a guy she was bad to him)

 

It's OK to be friend and hang out with her. to be friend is easy. but if I were a guy I will never in a million year want to be with her.

mrs rubble Established Member

mrs rubble

Posted
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I married my best friends brother, I can give you thousands of examples of why it wasn't a good idea!! The fallout when we split was dynamite.

DON'T GO THERE!!

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BTS123 Member

BTS123

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thanks again for everyone's input.

 

We are a very close knit family and always have been. I do believe my parents are looking out for my best interests. The extra complication also comes in with working from home as I run the family business with my Dad, so we have to have a close working relationship to make it work. I do feel I have been pushed into a corner by my parents and the decision has almost been taken out of my hands. Whichever road I choose I'll be letting someone down.

 

The girl in question has only very recently come out of a long term relationship with an abusive ex bf and with the child involved I know she needs to build her life again and do everything for the child. She has moved into a new place and I have been helping her out with the move as she has been struggling. Due to the feelings I do have for her it is very difficult to not get emotionally attached as I know we both feel the same about each other. My previous 2 relationships, albeit short lived have all had issues from the beginning, usually stemming from ex bf's poking their noses into our business and they never got off the ground. I do have a tendancy of running before I can walk when it comes to romance and get my fingers burnt. Usually during the relationship's because of what happened to my long term ex, I'm constantly trying to make sure I have my parents "approval" as such because to me it is a very important part of the evolution of a relationship when looking to the future of marriage and kids.

 

I have spoken at length with the girl about us and we are both on the same page that she needs to make sure she is stable enough to embark on a new romance and at this moment in time it wouldn't be fair on her, myself and most importantly her child to look at starting something new when there are still cracks in the foundation. We talk pretty much every day and our friendship is as strong as ever.

 

Thanks again for everyone's input, food for thought on this rather complicated situation.

Edited by BTS123
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BTS123 Member

BTS123

Posted
  • Author
Posted
BTS123

 

Is there a mature man outside of your family that you may be able to go to & discuss this with? Like a former teacher, pastor or coach? Sometimes we're too close as a family to see the whole picture objectively. There seems to have been a lot of sound advice here but maybe you need to talk to someone you know & trust? Hope you feel blessed in knowing how much your family cares about you.

memom421

 

The only people I have really spoken to are friends and close friends of mine and they have all said that nobody is stopping me and I have to do what makes me happy. I realize from an outsiders point of view the thought of embarking in a romantic relationship with someone who has this much baggage is a bit of an eyebrow raiser. My family do really care about me, they've expressed they only have my best interests at heart which I really do appreciate but in these circumstances it puts me in a very awkward situation with potentially someone I want to explore as a potential partner.

autumnnight Established Member

autumnnight

Posted
Posted

You are 24, not 15.

 

You sister trashed her friend. Your mother threatened to go to this 22 year old WOMAN and tell her to back off.

 

To be honest, I don't think this girl should be dating anyone right now, but as someone who grew up with a family like the one you describe living in.....you need to cut the apron strings, get a place of your own, and develop a thick skin.

 

They will run the rest of your life if you let them.

 

Anyone who says that this level of over-involvement in a 24 year old man's life is normal....well, let's just say I know that kind of mom.

  • Like 5
StanMusial Established Member

StanMusial

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Your parents don't want her drama dragged into your family. I don't blame them. It doesn't seem like there is a buffer here between your personal life and your family. Also, your Mom probably wants someone that will be good to you and take care of you. Not someone who struggles to handle their own business.

mystikmind2005 Established Member

mystikmind2005

Posted
Posted
Your parents don't want her drama dragged into your family. I don't blame them. It doesn't seem like there is a buffer here between your personal life and your family. Also, your Mom probably wants someone that will be good to you and take care of you. Not someone who struggles to handle their own business.

 

Well if his mom knows what is good for him, I hear arranged marriages have a reduced divorce rate! Although that could be due to the fact that people who marry who they are told to marry know how to submit and set aside their own will and desire?

acrosstheuniverse Established Member

acrosstheuniverse

Posted
Posted
Feelings come and go. Family is forever

 

For a lot of people that simply isn't the case. Many people become estranged from family, being related doesn't stop someone from turning their back on you. Not every family member has your best interests at heart.

 

Who knows what the best option for this guy is? All I know is that assuming family have good judgment and always mean well is incredibly naive.

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