Raya1234 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I need to know where to draw a line with myself between understanding what is normal and non threatening and what is inappropriate and disrespectful in terms of men looking at other women. This has been an issue in every relationship I have been in. I am not sure if I am over reacting or not. I have met my life partner and am very happy and confident in our union, but have noticed that he has social anxiety and takes a long time to become comfortable when we are out together. He scans the room for a good five minutes or so before finally becoming confortable and able to interact with me well. I have noticed his gaze fixes and when I look in the direction, more often than not it is on a woman, sometimes attractive, sometimes not. When I ask him about it, he gets upset often and says that he is just observing people. I believe this to be the case part of the time, but sometimes it does seem to be disrespectful staring at other women, I can say quite often. I am happy to work on this with him if he admits that is what he is doing, but the frustrating part is that he does not and I am not sure what level is normal and what is not as this has been a major contention point in every relationship of mine. I trust him fully that he is a good man and not a cheater, but am frustrated with behavior that I find to be disrespectful and although has changed for the better, is still an issue between us. I want to prevent this from causing major issues and would like some perspective on what to let go versus what is something i am validated to be upset over!!! Thank you!
madjac74 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 In my opinion he is scanning the room for better prospects than you. Sorry but how invested are you in this guy?
sandylee1 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 If my husband couldn't stop doing this I'd severely reduce the places I went with him. I'd only go places with him if I really had to and I'd tell him why I was doing this . If that doesn't hit home, nothing will. 1
Emilia Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Does he look at men too? Guys with ADD can zone out on a regular basis. Stare at anyone. 1
elaine567 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 From your 2012 thread - is this the same man? When we are out, his insecurities cause him to behave in a similar fashion to my ex. It’s as though the person I know and love when we are together is taken over by someone else and I see him intentionally trying to gain the attention of one woman he will focus on. It’s like some kind of game he is unaware of. He makes prolonged eye contact with that woman, and I can say that almost one hundred percent of the time it is received well as this woman will get an ego boost that an attractive woman’s boyfriend seems to want her more. It is extremely hurtful and disrespectful as I am extremely loyal and not a game player in the least. I don’t understand it. I will go out of my way to make sure he knows that I am not interested in other men and really watch my actions correspond with how I feel. It seems to be coming from a place that is much deeper than I can reach. 1
central Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Almost every heterosexual man is going to notice and look at other attractive women. This is normal. It crosses a line if he stares, leers, attempts to get their attention, looks repeatedly (not just once or twice), ignores you, or comments about them in a way that bothers you. Simply looking or glancing is normal.
Mrin Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 (edited) I'm a dude so take this for what you will. I am going to say you are overreacting. The chief reason being you say this has been an issue in every relationship you have had. That tells me that your threshold for acceptable observation of other women is very different from the social norm. That being said - just because you might be overreacting doesn't mean it doesn't suck. I'm not diminishing your feelings here - just giving some perspective. Question - why does it bother you? Is it a trust issue? Or a security/insecurity issue? A cultural issue? Edited June 8, 2015 by Mrin 3
Mr. Lucky Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I'm a dude so take this for what you will. I am going to say you are overreacting. The chief reason being you say this has been an issue in every relationship you have had. That tells me that your threshold for acceptable observation of other women is very different from the social norm. Agreed. The only other possibility is that she consistently picks a specific type of guy for relationships... Mr. Lucky 1
pondhawk Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I too am going through this right now with my husband. It's so obvious. He stares across rooms, he turns his head as he passes women while driving, if someone attractive walks past him, he'll stare at their a$$ as he turns his body to keep the glance. It is extremely hurtful. Half the time he claims he doesn't realize he does it, then the other half he'll admit to, apologize, and say he'll try not to do it again. Once in a while he'll say I'm overreacting because in my first marriage I was cheated on and I'm taking it out on him. I have told him I wouldn't be going to the beach or community pool with him in the future until he can stop. Other than that I think the next time it happens, I will leave by walking away, or going to the car if we're out...something like that. He seems to react when I distance myself. It's a shame really. I hate to do that. I'm afraid though if it doesn't stop I will start to resent him. Sorry you're going through this and sorry I don't really have an answer. You're not alone, if that helps.
Hopeful714 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Start admiring other men in his presence. And enjoy them. After all, what's good for the goose.... 1
mrs rubble Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Start admiring other men in his presence. And enjoy them. After all, what's good for the goose.... Hehehe!!! I've tried that out. It works, but I'll probably get a bollocking here for admitting to it!
Author Raya1234 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Wow, thanks for taking the time to read up! It is not the same man, which is the curious point for me wondering whether or not I am overreacting or I choose a certain type of man as someone mentioned. Not sure and I'd like to pin that down so I can figure out the best way to deal with this.
Author Raya1234 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Thank you for your perspective here. I honestly don't mind appreciative glances at beautiful women, I guess the problem for me is when I can tell that he is taken away by something and no longer communicating with me in a respectful manner. I suppose I feel that noticing, admiring discreetly for a few seconds are totally normal and that staring or returning to watch a specific person several times crosses the line. Does that seem reasonable to you, or do you think I am still overreacting?
Author Raya1234 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Also possible, that's what I am trying to figure out!!! Thanks.
Author Raya1234 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 It does help, actually! Can I ask you how long you have been married and when it started to become an issue for you?
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Everyone looks at attractive people, men seem to think that only they are naturally and biologically programmed to do so and that women need to put up with it. Women have been programmed to look at attractive men too, but due to social conditioning they are supposed not let it show for fear of upsetting the men in their lives. Given that men see attractive women and women see attractive men, and that both sexes get upset if their partner is leering at and letching after others, then there needs to be some sort of agreement that the open mouthed, staring and lusting after behaviour is totally unacceptable for people in polite society. For that reason, most men and women keep that sort of behaviour in check when around their partner. A person who really loves somebody, does everything their power to prevent upsetting their partner deliberately. Of course, some men are very aware that if he makes a show of lusting after others that makes his partner upset, lowers her self esteem and makes her feel insecure in her own sexuality and sense of attractiveness to men in general. For some men that feels good and so they continue to do so. It is a form of passive abuse and control. The message being sent is - "You better behave, because I can get someone sooo much better than you, I see them around every day." 3
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/42/b5/71/42b571c5d64beb3c472b27c5b285dc67.jpg - Found this on fb the other day, none of the women there could see the horse. One women said that despite owning horses and having viewed the pic multiple times, she just couldn't see the horse.
Lois_Griffin Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I need to know where to draw a line with myself between understanding what is normal and non threatening and what is inappropriate and disrespectful in terms of men looking at other women. This has been an issue in every relationship I have been in. I am not sure if I am over reacting or not. I have met my life partner and am very happy and confident in our union, but have noticed that he has social anxiety and takes a long time to become comfortable when we are out together. He scans the room for a good five minutes or so before finally becoming confortable and able to interact with me well. I have noticed his gaze fixes and when I look in the direction, more often than not it is on a woman, sometimes attractive, sometimes not. When I ask him about it, he gets upset often and says that he is just observing people. I believe this to be the case part of the time, but sometimes it does seem to be disrespectful staring at other women, I can say quite often. I am happy to work on this with him if he admits that is what he is doing, but the frustrating part is that he does not and I am not sure what level is normal and what is not as this has been a major contention point in every relationship of mine. I trust him fully that he is a good man and not a cheater, but am frustrated with behavior that I find to be disrespectful and although has changed for the better, is still an issue between us. I want to prevent this from causing major issues and would like some perspective on what to let go versus what is something i am validated to be upset over!!! Thank you! I read the post that Elaine567 copied and pasted from 2012 and it sounds like the same exact guy you're talking about in this thread. How do you keep meeting these socially maladjusted guys with 'social anxiety' who seem to have a need to fixate on strange women and act so oddly when you're out in public? I've never met a guy like that and I've dated a lot of guys in my lifetime. I think it would be downright creepy to be the woman in that situation - being stared at intently by some strange guy who's there with his wife/girlfriend and I'm just trying to eat my dinner or enjoy a drink, etc. That's just beyond creepy. I guess you're stuck if this is your life partner. Is there some kind of therapy he can get or some kind of medication for this? I don't know anything about social anxiety but I would have assumed he'd be cripplingly shy, not brazenly staring at people. 2
autumnnight Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 We women are fed the line that "all men do this," and, like watching constant porn, we just need to deal. That line is bull. If his ogling other women hurts you, he needs to stop. That is what a man who cares about a woman's feelings does. 3
Author Raya1234 Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 LoisG, it is true they are cookie cutter similar on this aspect. One thing they have in common is the 'INTJ' personality type which is often extremely inquisitive and curious, scanning the world around them for information and processing it with a serial killer esque look on their face as they stare for data. Although staring is very commonplace and can be directed in many different places, I think it tends to hit home when this stare directs itself onto attractive woman as then become more difficult to believe it's that innocent and there is no other intention or motive behind it other than 'collecting data.' lol
tinalooks808 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Almost every heterosexual man is going to notice and look at other attractive women. This is normal. It crosses a line if he stares, leers, attempts to get their attention, looks repeatedly (not just once or twice), ignores you, or comments about them in a way that bothers you. Simply looking or glancing is normal. I agree with this. Glancing is normal. .. staring purposefully is disrespectful. Only you can tell how long and instance his stares are. I would serially reevaluate the situation to make sure that you aren't overreacting, especially since you acknowledged that this is a reoccurant thing in relationships past. If it trule is his issue and has been in the past I would suggest changing the type of men you date. 2
Keenly Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 People these days can't possibly expect that just because you are married, you are never going to look at anyone of the opposite sex ever again. If you can't handle knowing that your SO looks at other people, that is on you to work on your insecurities, not on him to alter his behavior. Looking is looking. We have a sense of sight. Its there for a reason.
autumnnight Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 People these days can't possibly expect that just because you are married, you are never going to look at anyone of the opposite sex ever again. If you can't handle knowing that your SO looks at other people, that is on you to work on your insecurities, not on him to alter his behavior. Looking is looking. We have a sense of sight. Its there for a reason. This is looking: a gorgeous man or woman crosses your view, you appreciate the sight, maybe you even do a quick double take. When you stare, stop in mid sentence, follow him/her all the way down the sidewalk with your eyes, make remarks about her hotness...that ain't looking, that's just rude. 4
Keenly Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 This is looking: a gorgeous man or woman crosses your view, you appreciate the sight, maybe you even do a quick double take. When you stare, stop in mid sentence, follow him/her all the way down the sidewalk with your eyes, make remarks about her hotness...that ain't looking, that's just rude. Why do you let it affect you so much? Is he hitting on her? Are they going on dates? It sure sounds like it from the reactions. Do you want to play eyeball policeman or enjoy your time together? Some things are insignificant and inconsequential until we make them otherwise. This is one of them.
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 LoisG, it is true they are cookie cutter similar on this aspect. One thing they have in common is the 'INTJ' personality type which is often extremely inquisitive and curious, scanning the world around them for information and processing it with a serial killer esque look on their face as they stare for data. Although staring is very commonplace and can be directed in many different places, I think it tends to hit home when this stare directs itself onto attractive woman as then become more difficult to believe it's that innocent and there is no other intention or motive behind it other than 'collecting data.' lol Those double Ds sure do need processed and the information data stored... 1
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