Heartbreakingkid Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Some back story the short version. I met my wife when she was a server at a bar been with her for 8 years since. Twice now she has switched jobs to serving at other places and both times she ended up cheating on me. This is her 3rd switch after a year of working at an insurance company, where things with us were going fine. She now works at tilted kilt fora out a month Memorial Day she got off early got black out drunk with a guy and hung out with him for 3 hours in the parking lot after said she passed out in her truck. This weekend we talked about it and she admitted to having talked with him on Facebook and he goes to her work a lot. She said their conversations get really flirty and there's innuendos but she wasn't planning on sleeping with him. I asked her to quit her job to save our marriage she declined. I asked her not to talk to him again she accepted. Today rolls around first time she worked since our chat as soon as she walks out the door to our house she messages him on Facebook. Says " she would love a visit I will buy you a beer (then a kissing emoticon) he declined but she immediately gave him her schedule and said come see me. Now I'm stuck in a situation is it wrong for me to make the ultimatum to quit the job and focus on our marriage and if she isn't willing to quit what does that say about what's going on. In my mind I think she was buying time placating me as I pay all the bills and she has no where to go blows all her money on clothes and other crap. im looking for opinions that aren't biased as everyone I could talk to is a friend and is only worried about me
wizer Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 You already asked her to quit her job to save your marriage and she declined. She's not interested in your marriage or what you want, she's only interested in banging this other guy. The only question that remains is whether or not you will stay in this failed marriage and continue to put up with her continued disrespect and deception. She has nothing to do with it at this point. 4
jen1447 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 First off you should assume this is now her third affair. What it is that makes you keep her around? 4
Fleur de cactus Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Yes , "what make you keep her around" she is a serial cheater, she told you she is not going to talk to him anymore and the very next chance she got, she wanted to meet him, she is insisting even if the guy said no. I mean saving the family is good. But does she want to save the family?. Tell her if she does not end this cheating relationship you are going to divorce her. Also, find out if the guy is married and notify his wife. I think she deserves to know. Good luck. 1
spanz1 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 did you ask why she left the last job? was she fired, maybe for having an office affair, and kept that info from you? her work pattern seems very odd, especially since the new jobs all ended in affairs. 2
sandylee1 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 What is it that makes you put up with her constant infidelity? Do you have a dealbreaker in the marriage? Are you waiting for 5 or 6 affairs before your done? She isn't wife material she has no morals . End this marriage because she doesn't care about you. To continuously cheat like this she has no respect for you, herself or your marriage. Not sure if there are kids involved.......but even if there are , don't be a doormat. She'll continue to betray you until you put a stop to it. Simply tell her she can sleep with as many guys as she wants, but not as your wife. Start the 180, prepare for a life without her and file for divorce. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 It's not her JOB that's causing her cheating. It's her inability to not act like a dog in heat that's causing it. You could make her quit this job but it wont mean squat because she'll just find another way to cheat on you. People like this don't have a sudden epiphany because you make them quit their jobs. They just find other ways to continue being a sleaze. 2
MM1234 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Simply tell her she can sleep with as many guys as she wants, but not as your wife. Start the 180, prepare for a life without her and file for divorce. All of this!! OP, your wife doesn't respect you or the marriage. 1
Author Heartbreakingkid Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 Yes this would be her 3rd affair. What keeps me around at this point I'm not even sure anymore. We have 2 children together I guess it feels as though I'm walking away from them also which is damn near impossible. It's just a terrible situation but I'm realizing it would be heather for the kids and myself to get out and not spend the rest of my life having to spy or look over my shoulder all the time. I appreciate your opinions and suggestions
Cephalopod Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 You are not walking away from your kids. You are walking away from a cheating wife. Millions of people have divorced parents and grow up to be well adjusted. Quit using your kids as an excuse for your codependency on an unloving wife. I have sole custody of my daughter after I divorced my cheating wife years ago, and she is the most well adjusted, precocious young woman you would ever want to meet. Your wife does not love you or care about you and most likely checked out of the marriage long ago. Her actions prove this. I say get the ball moving with divorce. You can always stop proceeding if she wakes up and realizes you mean business. But you HAVE to mean business. 2
DexterLS Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I am so sorry this is happening to you. Please help yourself by ending this asap. 2
Cali408 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Divorce is always the last option, but three cheating episodes and flaunting it in your face. Have some self respect and throw her out. You are being used. Don't stay for the kids. 1
GoBlue Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 It's just a terrible situation but I'm realizing it would be heather for the kids and myself to get out and not spend the rest of my life having to spy or look over my shoulder all the time. What you have described is not a healthy marriage and does not produce real intimacy because the basis of all commitment is trust. Do you have a counselor, Pastor, or some other mentor with whom you can speak? I highly recommend a book titled Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. It is a very practical book with great insight and guidance. There are things you can do which will help your wife understand how precarious the situation really is. The choice ultimately is hers but you can show her that the marriage is worth saving if she is willing to help you in the process of saving it. If you would like to speak to a counselor by phone for free I know about a faith-based ministry which provides such a service. Let me know if you are interested. In the mean-time, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Be blessed.
No Limit Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Sorry but you are married to a person who isn't interested in you. She keeps cheating because she is trying to check out of the marriage with a suitable partner for an exit-affair; or she's just incredibly selfish and could care less about you. Whatever the case is, divorce her and find someone who is actually interested in you - and that woman won't be a cheater.
Author Heartbreakingkid Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 I have an appointment with a divorce lawyer now that I'm calmer and there isn't such a shock I hope I'm thinking more rationally, and have decided to start a divorce. Today she found out I messaged the guy and he told her he was going to respect my wishes and not talk to her anymore. And now she wants to talk, seems like her exit got messed up and with no where to go and no money to her name she realizes she is kinda screwed. Thanks again for everyone's opinions it helps coming from outside the situation. 1
spanz1 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 yeah she will now be crying crocodile tears to you how sorry she truly is....lol. 1
Cephalopod Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Don't let her suck you in. Watch her actions, don't listen to her words.
Author Heartbreakingkid Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Well she suddenly wants to talk and she suggested marriage counseling she found out I'm called a lawyer and her back up plan is gone so it seems like she has no choice. unfortunately I think it's to late. 1
sandylee1 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Well she suddenly wants to talk and she suggested marriage counseling she found out I'm called a lawyer and her back up plan is gone so it seems like she has no choice. unfortunately I think it's to late. She'll only cheat again but hide it better next time Why look over your shoulder because the woman you married constantly betrays you? I find getting pregnant by another man, while married is the height of disrespect and betrayal. Focus on coparenting and be done . Why would you her husband be happy to be a Plan B? Don't let a woman do this to you . She'll only view you as weak and carry on being wayward. You deserve better .
tinalooks808 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 You already asked her to quit. If she has done this so many times before what makes you think she will stop or wants to stop? She obviously doesn't take your feelings or relationship serious if she is messaging him right after leaving the house.
Clay Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 She made her decision and now you have to make yours. If you stay with her then your just going to have to accept her for who she is "Now". I personally never suggest staying with a Cheater. Your so much better off just walking away. There are far better women out there. There are people with better morals and beliefs. I am sorry you are going through this but I am glad you found this place to help you. I sure wished I would have found it when I was with my xW. I know for sure I would have left her our second year together. The next 8 years with her was Hell. Clay
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