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Posted (edited)

Hi. I don't really know how to begin but I feel like an empty upset mess at the moment. Torn between anger and resentment; forgiveness, sympathy and understanding.

 

Just over 3 months into getting to know a girl. Shared lots of time together, completely on same wavelength, same humor. We just clicked. I have to say I have never met anyone like her and as the start to relationships go it was far and way the best. Until last week.

 

Her job is a lapdancer. I was fine with this. I'm not a jealous type. We went on holiday for a week last month and had a truly amazing time. She was mentioning more and more how she was needing to leave her job and focus on a proper career.

 

We arrived back from holiday and things were great but then one night she just went cold and the gist is she felt she ran too quick into our relationship and emphasized again how her job made her see the dark side of men and how she needed to change.

 

And then after a two or three day break where we exchanged only sporadic messages, she contacted me to say it was all her fault and she was sorry and she had to see me. I asked her what had happened and she told me she was an escort - and that she had been raped that day.

 

My life collapsed.

Police are involved and the perpetrator has been apprehended. She has left the 'job'.

 

I have been with her off and on for the first three days after it happened. Just being there with her. She said while it was going on all she could think of was me and how sorry she was and upset she was I would find out when they found her body in the apartment. She felt she was to be killed. She hates herself for the pain she has caused me and has cried a lot for what she has done to me. She says her reason for ending the relationship (with the caveat you don't know what the future will bring) was because she cared for me so much. She told her employers she wanted to leave but they 'convinced' her to stay. And the rest is history.

 

I'm torn between cutting her off for good. I'm torn between being there for her as a friend as she has few friends up here. I'm just torn. I feel in my heart she needs support but I'm so hurt inside. I don't know what to do.

Edited by broodingsea
  • Author
Posted

Hi. I've reposted this in this forum as I think I originally placed it in the wrong sub-forum.

I don't really know how to begin but I feel like an empty upset mess at the moment. Torn between anger and resentment; forgiveness, sympathy and understanding.

 

Just over 3 months into getting to know a girl. Shared lots of time together, completely on same wavelength, same humor. We just clicked. I have to say I have never met anyone like her and as the start to relationships go it was far and way the best. Until last week.

 

Her job is a lapdancer. I was fine with this. I'm not a jealous type. We went on holiday for a week last month and had a truly amazing time. She was mentioning more and more how she was needing to leave her job and focus on a proper career.

 

We arrived back from holiday and things were great but then one night she just went cold and the gist is she felt she ran too quick into our relationship and emphasized again how her job made her see the dark side of men and how she needed to change.

 

And then after a two or three day break where we exchanged only sporadic messages, she contacted me to say it was all her fault and she was sorry and she had to see me. I asked her what had happened and she told me she was an escort - and that she had been raped that day.

 

My life collapsed.

Police are involved and the perpetrator has been apprehended. She has left the 'job'.

 

I have been with her off and on for the first three days after it happened. Just being there with her. She said while it was going on all she could think of was me and how sorry she was and upset she was I would find out when they found her body in the apartment. She felt she was to be killed. She hates herself for the pain she has caused me and has cried a lot for what she has done to me. She says her reason for ending the relationship (with the caveat you don't know what the future will bring) was because she cared for me so much. She told her employers she wanted to leave but they 'convinced' her to stay. And the rest is history.

 

I'm torn between cutting her off for good. I'm torn between being there for her as a friend as she has few friends up here. I'm just torn. I feel in my heart she needs support but I'm so hurt inside. I don't know what to do.

Posted (edited)

Go no contact, you deserve better. You can't build anything with someone that is a wishy washy manipulative liar. If you go and support her now, you will just be some puppet for whenever she needs emotional support. Im sure she has plenty of girlfriends that are able to support her, this is none of your concern now.

 

Who wants to be with a prostitute anyway? I think a lot of men would have doubts dating an (ex)-prostitute.

Edited by NC-Thomas
  • Author
Posted
Go no contact, you deserve better. You can't build anything with someone that is a manipulative liar. If you go and support her now, you will just be some puppet for whenever she needs emotional support. Im sure she has plenty of girlfriends that are able to support her, this is none of your concern now.

 

Who wants to be with a prostitute anyway?

 

I see what you're saying. She was financially broke when she moved out from her high flying drug taking ex. It was the soft option for her.

I do feel that if I support her it will be thrown back in my face.

Ultimately she chose the prostitution over me, and it was only when it went bad for her that she needed the comfort zone back. I'm so down about it.

She only has 2 friends up here - really she doesnt have a network.

Posted
I see what you're saying. She was financially broke when she moved out from her high flying drug taking ex. It was the soft option for her.

I do feel that if I support her it will be thrown back in my face.

Ultimately she chose the prostitution over me, and it was only when it went bad for her that she needed the comfort zone back. I'm so down about it.

She only has 2 friends up here - really she doesnt have a network.

 

It is very likely that if you are going to be her support, that she will get rid of you once she feels better again. I agree, it will backfire if you do keep in touch with her. She already told you she doesn't want to be involved with you romantically, so there is your answer.

 

She seems very apt at getting comfort elsewhere, because you were more or less a rebound after her crazy ex, right? This woman is full of problems, bullet dodged.

Posted

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can't imagine how that feels. It's not because someone betray us that we automatically stop loving them. It must feel awful.

 

This is a really really big lie and the kind of lie that could put your health in jeopardy. Even though she has gone through this trauma she cannot expect you, of all people, to comfort and support her.

 

This relationship was quite short, 3 months. She survived before you and she will survive after you. It is not your role to be her friend or her support through this, your relationship is too short, she betrayed you and you are not equipped to be the support system of a rape victim.

 

You need to let her go. You may love her but right now you need to love yourself first and distance yourself.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
It is very likely that if you are going to be her support, that she will get rid of you once she feels better again. I agree, it will backfire if you do keep in touch with her. She already told you she doesn't want to be involved with you romantically, so there is your answer.

 

She seems very apt at getting comfort elsewhere, because you were more or less a rebound after her crazy ex, right? This woman is full of problems, bullet dodged.

 

I'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't. She needs support. I care for her. Her lie got out of control. And then it all came out.

I need to think about me, too.

I need a few days on my own to think.

  • Author
Posted
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can't imagine how that feels. It's not because someone betray us that we automatically stop loving them. It must feel awful.

 

This is a really really big lie and the kind of lie that could put your health in jeopardy. Even though she has gone through this trauma she cannot expect you, of all people, to comfort and support her.

 

This relationship was quite short, 3 months. She survived before you and she will survive after you. It is not your role to be her friend or her support through this, your relationship is too short, she betrayed you and you are not equipped to be the support system of a rape victim.

 

You need to let her go. You may love her but right now you need to love yourself first and distance yourself.

 

I think this is right, yes, just like the other comments here. I need to break off the support for her. Thank you.

  • Author
Posted

You need to let her go. You may love her but right now you need to love yourself first and distance yourself.

 

I do

Posted
I need to think about me, too.

 

Just remember: you always come first. Her problem is not yours, no matter how hard it is.

 

She more or less broke your heart and now she wants you to care for her with that very same heart? U can't.

  • Author
Posted
Just remember: you always come first. Her problem is not yours, no matter how hard it is.

 

She more or less broke your heart and now she wants you to care for her with that very same heart? U can't.

 

You are right. I am going to explain that I am not the person to support her going forwards. I don't want to just go NC given the situation, but I will explain that given what I have found out about what she was doing, I am not the person to help her now.

  • Like 1
Posted
You are right. I am going to explain that I am not the person to support her going forwards. I don't want to just go NC given the situation, but I will explain that given what I have found out about what she was doing, I am not the person to help her now.

 

No of course, do not disappear without a word, she is a human and so are you. Then after that stop communication.

Posted

First of all, just so you're on solid ground, I'd be sure the police really are involved. Ask her who is handling her case. Make sure she has some specifics. Get the name and then make sure that name works in the department that would handle rape.

 

She lied to you. She also could be on some hard drugs because many people who do sex for a living have to do drugs to be able to stand it. Goes without saying you'll want to be AIDS tested and her too if you ever intend to be involved with her again. Go together.

 

She's gone back to work doing the same thing. So even though she's saying she wants to get out and was saying that all along, she's not doing it. And truly, it's only one step out the door. If she has worked doing sex for any length of time and not saved up enough money to float her until she finds other work, then my guess is she's on drugs and that's where the money is going.

 

I would give her a couple of weeks to process everything. She may be in shock for some time. But after you feel she's settled back into her life, if she goes back to prostitution and dancing, you really can't help her.

 

If she decides on her own that she will not go back in the next couple of weeks or so, and you feel like helping her transition, then it would be a nice thing to do. But she's got to be out of that trade, including dancing, and not addicted to anything. Otherwise you'll just be enabling her. If she dances anywhere, she will only get sucked back into sex for money.

 

Whatever you do, just stop having sex with her. The very last thing you need is for her to get pregnant or for you to catch a disease.

Posted
Hi. I don't really know how to begin but I feel like an empty upset mess at the moment. Torn between anger and resentment; forgiveness, sympathy and understanding.

 

Just over 3 months into getting to know a girl. Shared lots of time together, completely on same wavelength, same humor. We just clicked. I have to say I have never met anyone like her and as the start to relationships go it was far and way the best. Until last week.

 

Her job is a lapdancer. I was fine with this. I'm not a jealous type. We went on holiday for a week last month and had a truly amazing time. She was mentioning more and more how she was needing to leave her job and focus on a proper career.

 

We arrived back from holiday and things were great but then one night she just went cold and the gist is she felt she ran too quick into our relationship and emphasized again how her job made her see the dark side of men and how she needed to change.

 

And then after a two or three day break where we exchanged only sporadic messages, she contacted me to say it was all her fault and she was sorry and she had to see me. I asked her what had happened and she told me she was an escort - and that she had been raped that day.

 

My life collapsed.

Police are involved and the perpetrator has been apprehended. She has left the 'job'.

 

I have been with her off and on for the first three days after it happened. Just being there with her. She said while it was going on all she could think of was me and how sorry she was and upset she was I would find out when they found her body in the apartment. She felt she was to be killed. She hates herself for the pain she has caused me and has cried a lot for what she has done to me. She says her reason for ending the relationship (with the caveat you don't know what the future will bring) was because she cared for me so much. She told her employers she wanted to leave but they 'convinced' her to stay. And the rest is history.

 

I'm torn between cutting her off for good. I'm torn between being there for her as a friend as she has few friends up here. I'm just torn. I feel in my heart she needs support but I'm so hurt inside. I don't know what to do.

 

This is a tough one. Look, she has been raped, she needs help to deal with that. I would help her get into IC, and out of the life. This group may help:

 

 

"Children of the Night" 1-800-551-1300 x 0

 

Children of the Night | Rescuing America's Children from Prostitution

 

There are others you can call upon, if this one does not work or she is too old. They may have resources that can help her. I think before you decide if you want to have a relationship, you need to address the escort issue, and also the trauma from abuse, of being rape and almost killed. She needs a friend, help with that, keep it non physical. Let her know that she is safe, and when she is better, revisit the question of a relationship if that is what you want. One must first stop the bleeding, before anything else can go on.

 

No woman, child, boy, or man for that mater, deserves, or should not have help with being raped, no mater what they are or did.

 

As for your pain and hurt, it is real, address this after. I myself could not have a romantic relationship, past friendship, but I would not like to see her left in danger, or in a bad way. It seems that she was trying to step away from you, as she knew this would hurt you. May be you can take that, as she tried to protect you. Lastly, be honest with her with your feeling, if you do not, or can not, be a B/F, let her know you can be a friend when she is down.

 

178

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
First of all, just so you're on solid ground, I'd be sure the police really are involved. Ask her who is handling her case. Make sure she has some specifics. Get the name and then make sure that name works in the department that would handle rape.

 

She lied to you. She also could be on some hard drugs because many people who do sex for a living have to do drugs to be able to stand it. Goes without saying you'll want to be AIDS tested and her too if you ever intend to be involved with her again. Go together.

 

She's gone back to work doing the same thing. So even though she's saying she wants to get out and was saying that all along, she's not doing it. And truly, it's only one step out the door. If she has worked doing sex for any length of time and not saved up enough money to float her until she finds other work, then my guess is she's on drugs and that's where the money is going.

 

I would give her a couple of weeks to process everything. She may be in shock for some time. But after you feel she's settled back into her life, if she goes back to prostitution and dancing, you really can't help her.

 

If she decides on her own that she will not go back in the next couple of weeks or so, and you feel like helping her transition, then it would be a nice thing to do. But she's got to be out of that trade, including dancing, and not addicted to anything. Otherwise you'll just be enabling her. If she dances anywhere, she will only get sucked back into sex for money.

 

Whatever you do, just stop having sex with her. The very last thing you need is for her to get pregnant or for you to catch a disease.

 

Hi yes the police are involved. The guy has been charged. I've been closely involved in this to date. She doesn't do drugs.

 

She txt me this morning at 4am drunk after having been out : I think your better of not knowing me, I know you feel really involved now but you need to live a normal life that I don't tear apart, just forget about me it's what you need

 

It lead to a phone argument. I somehow have w feeling despite her saying that she wouldn't go back to prostitution - that she will.

  • Author
Posted
This is a tough one. Look, she has been raped, she needs help to deal with that. I would help her get into IC, and out of the life. This group may help:

 

 

"Children of the Night" 1-800-551-1300 x 0

 

Children of the Night | Rescuing America's Children from Prostitution

 

There are others you can call upon, if this one does not work or she is too old. They may have resources that can help her. I think before you decide if you want to have a relationship, you need to address the escort issue, and also the trauma from abuse, of being rape and almost killed. She needs a friend, help with that, keep it non physical. Let her know that she is safe, and when she is better, revisit the question of a relationship if that is what you want. One must first stop the bleeding, before anything else can go on.

 

No woman, child, boy, or man for that mater, deserves, or should not have help with being raped, no mater what they are or did.

 

As for your pain and hurt, it is real, address this after. I myself could not have a romantic relationship, past friendship, but I would not like to see her left in danger, or in a bad way. It seems that she was trying to step away from you, as she knew this would hurt you. May be you can take that, as she tried to protect you. Lastly, be honest with her with your feeling, if you do not, or can not, be a B/F, let her know you can be a friend when she is down.

 

178

 

Thank you. In my heart this feels the right way to go. But I have this strange feeling that she is going to continue to be an escort. And if she does it clearly shows she has no feeling toward me.

She ultimately chose prostitution over me too. Don't you think she has just turned back to me as a crutch?

Posted
Thank you. In my heart this feels the right way to go. But I have this strange feeling that she is going to continue to be an escort. And if she does it clearly shows she has no feeling toward me.

She ultimately chose prostitution over me too. Don't you think she has just turned back to me as a crutch?

 

She may. It is a risk, but if you give her a path out of the life, and she does not take, then you know. That is why I would take it non Physical, but her being raped, and keeping her safe is the main thing now. Look to now, give her the tools and then worry about what comes next. Discuss with her your feeling about her being an escort, that you cannot share, you may find she likes a relationship with you, more then the "life" of an escort. Ask why she got into it, Was it financial?, likes sex? what? IC should help there.

 

Action is needed now, get her a resource to address the rape, and find some organization to let her leave the "escort" life.

 

I wish you and her good luck.

 

650

Posted

I'm sorry but I would really advise you to take a STD test. Most escorts don't use protection when a few extra dollars are offered - and I doubt she was working for a professional agency when she got involved with a rapist.

 

And I also doubt she's going to leave her job. Most escorts are recruited by friends telling them of their easy jobs and yeah. This job is her life, and up to the point where she nearly lost her life she was very happy with it. That's why there's no "saving her" from prostitution, she doesn't mind it that much.

 

What should also get to you is the lies - there are men who would date escorts willingly, even if they are few in number. Her being able to lead a double life should be enough of a red flag to you. Nonetheless, take it easy with her now, rape has quite an impact psychologically.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
I'm sorry but I would really advise you to take a STD test. Most escorts don't use protection when a few extra dollars are offered - and I doubt she was working for a professional agency when she got involved with a rapist.

 

And I also doubt she's going to leave her job. Most escorts are recruited by friends telling them of their easy jobs and yeah. This job is her life, and up to the point where she nearly lost her life she was very happy with it. That's why there's no "saving her" from prostitution, she doesn't mind it that much.

 

What should also get to you is the lies - there are men who would date escorts willingly, even if they are few in number. Her being able to lead a double life should be enough of a red flag to you. Nonetheless, take it easy with her now, rape has quite an impact psychologically.

 

We had a long talk today - she is talking about becoming a lapdancer now as she is scared she wont have money to survive. I have tried to reason and say there is another way but she is not interested. I feel she is total denial, self destruct mode, or in contempt of me. Either way she is displaying no willlingness to break from that sordid industry. I need to walk for my own sanity.

  • Author
Posted

We had a long talk today - she is talking about becoming a lapdancer now as she is scared she wont have money to survive. I have tried to reason and say there is another way but she is not interested. I feel she is total denial, self destruct mode, or in contempt of me. Either way she is displaying no willlingness to break from that sordid industry. I need to walk for my own sanity.

Posted
We had a long talk today - she is talking about becoming a lapdancer now as she is scared she wont have money to survive. I have tried to reason and say there is another way but she is not interested. I feel she is total denial, self destruct mode, or in contempt of me. Either way she is displaying no willlingness to break from that sordid industry. I need to walk for my own sanity.

 

Yes, you do.

1166

  • Like 2
Posted
We had a long talk today - she is talking about becoming a lapdancer now as she is scared she wont have money to survive. I have tried to reason and say there is another way but she is not interested. I feel she is total denial, self destruct mode, or in contempt of me. Either way she is displaying no willlingness to break from that sordid industry. I need to walk for my own sanity.

 

You really do. You have to understand that you don't really know this woman very well. I have a feeling there's a lot more that you still don't know about her. She has been deceptive from the beginning and was apparently quite convincing. Remember that if you have any doubts or moments of weakness - she is not who she presented herself to be. I wouldn't trust that she's telling you the full truth now either (not in reference to her rape, but about her lifestyle and background in general)

 

As another person suggested, stay away and get yourself tested.

Posted

I'm torn between cutting her off for good. I'm torn between being there for her as a friend as she has few friends up here. I'm just torn. I feel in my heart she needs support but I'm so hurt inside. I don't know what to do.

 

You can't remain friends with someone you have had feelings for if any of those feelings still exist - even a slight amount - by either party.

  • Author
Posted

I think that people can just live in a bubble as we did while her storm went on in her other life. In the end her guilt got too much for her. Still, she sucked me back in when she was at rock bottom - just words. She truly doesn't care about me does she - how can someone choose prostitution over someone they care about. They can't. I've had my faith ripped away from me. All I think about is her lies and the scale of what she has done.

 

I have offered to support her through this as a friend. But she has said she intends to get a full time office job but also lapdance a couple of nights per week for the money. This to me is absurd. Sick - an affront to my feelings and to think that she would allow men to objectify her further after the rape.

 

I think she is a mess and is not thinking critically or taking into account her actions and how they are still impacting others. My friend today said she's thrown my offer of help back in my face and I must now walk.

Posted
We had a long talk today - she is talking about becoming a lapdancer now as she is scared she wont have money to survive. I have tried to reason and say there is another way but she is not interested. I feel she is total denial, self destruct mode, or in contempt of me. Either way she is displaying no willlingness to break from that sordid industry. I need to walk for my own sanity.

 

I'm afraid so. Most sex workers will never leave that scene - especially for those without self-esteem it's paradise. Easy money, and what they believe is admiration from men.

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