Three Years Down the Drain

[JewelD]

I'm currently a 24 year old grad student living in Indiana. I met my boyfriend in 2012 at our undergrad through mutual friends. We were young and dumb and we started dating after a week. Later he told me that he asked me out because he was afraid someone else would do it before he had the chance. Anyway, during our 2 and a half years dating in college, we had our good times, but we also had our awful times. I was very shy and quiet, so he took advantage of that and lied to me on a regular basis, then got angry when I questioned his lies. But I cared about him, so I stuck around, met his friends, his family, I thought we would have a family together one day.

 

He ended up graduating one semester before I did and I worried the distance would change us. He eventually got a counseling job and I focused on applying to grad schools and finishing my senior year. One day I met a girl through one of my friends. She seemed nice and spoke to me whenever she saw me after that. I had a strong feeling that she was bi or gay and interested in something more than just friendship. I told my bf about it and he had worked with her at school before. He was extremely adamant about me 'talking' to her. He thought it would be a good idea for me to have someone to hang out with and do 'things' with since he couldn't be around. I was very hesitant about it as it seemed odd and graduation was a month and a half away anyway. But I went forward with it and me and the girl started hanging out. Within a couple of weeks, we were inseperable and living in each other's dorms. I was really happy. Happier than I had been in awhile. This girl was the exact opposite of my bf, she was sweet, innocent, she was never mean, she never lied to me, and she was availbale when i wanted to talk or see her.

 

Eventually my bf got pissed that I was spending so much time with her. My belief is that he thought he was going to get in on the action at some point and then realized he was being cut out of the picture. He demanded that I break up with her. I refused, as I cared about the girl and it was his idea for me to talk to her in the first place. He got mad and hung up on me. Later that night he sent me a photo message of himself crying and a text message saying he was a manipulative narcissist and had been emotionally torturing me. He even sent me the link to an article that described this mental illness. Now I know that this too was a form of emotional torture and manipulation. He tried to make me feel sorry for him and promised he would be a better man if I'd just go back to him.

 

Long story short, I went back and forth between the two for about 3 months before I decided to just stay with him. I let both of them know what was going on. I was torn between being loyal to my bf and doing what made me happy. The entire time I felt horrible for making them both feel bad.

 

I was 'permanently' back with my bf for about a month when I asked to see his phone. He let me go thru his messages and I found out he had been dating multiple women at his job and was borderline harassing women on fb to go out on dates with him, including girls he had slept with before we met. This day was also our 3 year anniversary. I had just let my guard down and tried to trust him again and work on things. I was devastated. Especially since he had begged for me to come back and then allowed me to see the hurtful text messages when he could have just told me himself. As usual, it took me hours to drag the truth out of him. He said some of it had happened when we were together, and some had happened when we weren't. He wanted to get revenge on me for dating the girl. He's such a boldfaced liar, the texts and messages went pretty far back. He made sure to delete them after I confronted him. I honestly couldn't believe anything he said anymore. He's the type of person who won't admit to anything without proof, so I'm positive he had been things like this before the girl came into the picture.

 

Anyway, I was stupid. and alone at grad school in a different state. I took him back and he promised he would change, that we would work towards a future. The entire time, I tried to heal myself. He wanted things to go back to the way they were, but I couldn't stand to have him touch me. He claimed he never slept with anyone else, but I couldn't believe anything he said. I still thought about the texts I saw. I still cried. and whenever I wanted to talk about it, he got angry and tried to say I had no place to talk because I had dated the girl. I tried to get him to understand but he didn't. He had adopted a dog for me a month before he told me the truth, and promised to help me with him as I don't have a car of my own or much money either.

 

I started slipping into a depression, due to the relationship and things going on at school. One night I spoke to him in the most dull voice, hoping he would ask since he always got angry when I brought his cheating up. He didn't ask and we hung up. a couple minutes later I called and it went to voicemail. He called me back 5 mins later and said he hadn't answered bc he turned his phone off to look at the sim card. His phone had rung several times so I knew this was a lie. We stayed on the phone arguing for 30minutes. He didn't admit it, but I knew it was a lie because he spent so much time trying to cover it up. The next day I asked him about our future, moving in together after I graduated, marriage at some point. Even though he claimed he wanted these things when we were broken up, he changed his tune and said he didn't 'feel' it and he didn't plan on doing those things for another 10 years. Like I said, I'm 24, we'd been together 3 years, he practically lived in my apt at college, I have no plans on waiting til my mid 30's for some type of commitment from someone who had put me through so much in 3 years.

 

I felt I had proven I was worthy of commitment. I didn't demand a ring or a lease together, but I wanted something. Instead, he said he wanted to break up. He wasn't growing in the relationship, all we did was argue, etc etc. I was pissed. I cussed him out. How do you treat someone like trash, breakup with them like once a month for 3 years, beg for them to come back to you, and then decide to throw them away? He knew I was happy with that girl and I now believe he never wanted me back, he just didn't want to be alone. and now that the girl is out of the picture, he's satisfied with breaking it off.

 

He came to visit to take the dog to the vet. then left and I never heard from him again. It was odd bc he hugged me, acted like he was confused when i froze him out and told him we would never see each other again. idk what he expected, but i think i disappointed him but not being kind and clingy. What really bothered me was that he had promised to help with the dog even if we broke up. Instead, he said he had to pay his student loans back and couldn't afford it anymore. I wanted to strangle him. Mind you, he has a full time job, lives with his grandparents, drives a used car his mother gave him, and essentially only pays for car insurance and his phone bill. and his parents paid for most of his tuition, his loan is about 6k. Meanwhile, I've got over 50k in student loans, I pay my own rent, my groceries, my utilities, cable, internet, clothing and for basically anything I need/want. It hurt me to the core that he would be so selfish, even towards the dog that HE picked out supposedly cared for.

 

I'll admit, I broke down and called him after 3 weeks. He did not answer or call me back. Although normally he blocks my number when we break up. It wasn't blocked this time, so I'm thinking he's not completely over it either. Now it's been almost a month since we last spoke. this is the longest we've gone without ever talking. I'm pretty hurt. I had a job lined up for the summer but I just stopped going because I couldn't function.

 

After a couple of weeks of my summer class, I started going out more, taking my dog for walks. I ended up randomly coming across a place that was hiring two doors down from the job I had quit earlier this summer. They hired me and I start tomorrow.

 

I know I can do this without him. I can take care of my dog and myself without anyone's help. I can be alone and be happy again one day. and I know that he is a terrible person who I should have left a long time ago. I know nothing good will ever come from him. I seriously just believe he was put on this earth to teach people lessons about who not to date and who not to be like. After he dumped me, he claimed he might have prostate cancer, even though he hadn't seen a doctor yet. It was his way of trying to make me feel sorry for him again. It didn't work. For awhile, I actually hoped that he did have cancer so he would see that all his friends and the girls he cheated on me with would not be there for him. I just know that he has to experience some sort of pain to ever understand what he did to me. His family babies him so much. They don't know about his porn addiction (he crashed my computer once), they don't know about his anger issues, his violence (he's gotten physical with me at least twice), or that he is a manipulative liar who has no remorse for anything. He was so desperate for his mom to get a dog that he brought me and my dog to stay with him for the weekend. He wanted his mom to see how kind my dog is so she would get one 'for his brothers', who are like freaking 4. His mother also has arthritis. He knows his brothers can't take care of the dog and that his mother's hands are too weak to walk him and pick up poop, etc. But he didn't care, he was so desperate to get a dog for himself, but he wouldn't admit that was his reason.

 

He's just a baby. 23 years old, never lived on his own, never paid for any bills, never had any real responsibilities. and that's the exact opposite of me. I'm headstrong, I'm responsible, very independent, never been babied at all, and I'm a very hard worker and I don't mess around when it comes to my education.

 

Still, sometimes I wake up and find myself missing him. or not remembering its over. Or wondering why he doesn't call. What did I do to make him not want to talk to me? I was never mean or cruel to him. I was ALWAYS there for him. Even when he wasn't for me. I just don't see why anyone would want to throw that away.

 

Anybody have any insight or advice? Why do people do things like this? Is there a way to spot people like this early on? When do you know you're being too nice to someone and you have given too many chances? How can I get over this and stop obsessing about him being with someone else?

[ravfour4]

Hi JewelD,

 

I read your entire post. It sounds like you've been through a lot, but I am confident you will make it through this.

 

You started out your post sounding quite sad about everything that happened and like you still care about him a lot, but I like the way it ended. Those last few paragraphs you were angry, which is what you should be for someone who treated you the way he did.

 

Some people don't think through their actions, they solely act on their emotions without thinking why or what will happen because of it. At one point, he was probably super lonely, and didn't stop to realize he had already hurt you and that you probably weren't the one for him, but to feed his loneliness he brought you back into his life only to hurt you again.

 

He lied to you repeatedly, you asked what signs you can tell that someone will do this, well that's a huge one. If you lie to someone, especially about big important things like this, it means you don't care about them enough to tell them the truth, that you don't care about them enough to not hurt them. He was selfish and you knew it, but you stayed with him because unlike him, you have a heart. Now, go out there and find someone else with a heart who will be honest to you and keep you happy.

[JewelD]

Hi JewelD,

 

I read your entire post. It sounds like you've been through a lot, but I am confident you will make it through this.

 

You started out your post sounding quite sad about everything that happened and like you still care about him a lot, but I like the way it ended. Those last few paragraphs you were angry, which is what you should be for someone who treated you the way he did.

 

Some people don't think through their actions, they solely act on their emotions without thinking why or what will happen because of it. At one point, he was probably super lonely, and didn't stop to realize he had already hurt you and that you probably weren't the one for him, but to feed his loneliness he brought you back into his life only to hurt you again.

 

He lied to you repeatedly, you asked what signs you can tell that someone will do this, well that's a huge one. If you lie to someone, especially about big important things like this, it means you don't care about them enough to tell them the truth, that you don't care about them enough to not hurt them. He was selfish and you knew it, but you stayed with him because unlike him, you have a heart. Now, go out there and find someone else with a heart who will be honest to you and keep you happy.

 

Thanks for responding. This post was way too long. But hard to sum up 3 years in a few paragraphs! I think I'm telling myself the right things in order to move on, but part of my brain or heart is just not accepting it. I know it has to happen, but I just haven't imagined my life without him in a long time...

[CarrieT]

I didn't even read the entire post, but can respond 100% to the thread title:

 

Consider that no relationship is a waste or "down the drain," but a learning experience and part of the travails that one must experience on the path of life.

 

Most people in their early twenties have these two-, three-, or longer relationships but are never the ones that last until adulthood. (Yes, I don't believe you are fully baked as an adult until your late 20s.)

 

You will be fine.

[JewelD]

I didn't even read the entire post, but can respond 100% to the thread title:

 

Consider that no relationship is a waste or "down the drain," but a learning experience and part of the travails that one must experience on the path of life.

 

Most people in their early twenties have these two-, three-, or longer relationships but are never the ones that last until adulthood. (Yes, I don't believe you are fully baked as an adult until your late 20s.)

 

You will be fine.

 

Thanks! I know I'm still young, but good god, the thought of having to go through another long term relationship that ends badly is terrifying. I know I can't control it, but I really hope the next person is the one.

[alphamale]

it's not a big deal. don't worry about the past cause you can't change it. spend some time by yourself before getting into another relationship. take it easy and enjoy lifes pleasures.

[CarrieT]

Thanks! I know I'm still young, but good god, the thought of having to go through another long term relationship that ends badly is terrifying. I know I can't control it, but I really hope the next person is the one.

Here's my brief history:

Married at 20 to "the one" and divorced at 25 when I found him with another man.

 

From 25 to 28, a guy I really loved but he couldn't say the "L" word and was a closet cross-dresser.

 

From 29 to 41 - afraid to get married - I lived with "the one" until, having gone over the 40 bump, realized I lived with a guy who couldn't drive, only wore t-shirts and jeans, and wasn't qualified for any job other than being a night stock clerk at Target.

 

42 to 45 - an amazing guy. This had to be "the one" but the ending of that relationship is what brought me to this site because of how toxic it was.

 

Then I spent three years doing online dating. I'm talking HUNDREDS of conversations and more than 50 first dates (coffee meet-and-greets). But then I did meet a guy. And at 48 years of age, I actually got married a second time.

 

I really did find "the one" but for me, it took 25 years of relationships and dating. None of those years were "down the drain," but just part of the path.

 

Become a duck - let the water roll off your back. It will hurt less in the long run.

[JewelD]

My (horrible) relationship of 3 years ended about a month and a half ago (I was dumped by the *******), and I've been in NC for about a month now. Two weeks ago, I caved and tried to call him, no answer. I texted, no reply. I had my best friend do a 3 way call from her number thinking he wouldn't recognize it (I know, so stupid), and he still didn't answer. I haven't tried to contact him since.

 

I'm trying so hard to be strong and just get through it but it feels terrible. It takes the joy out of things. I work, I have a dog, I exercise, I write in my journal, I watch Netflix, I went on a vacation with my family (I'm currently in grad school about 2 hours away from home). It's always in the back of my mind and it's so hard to go through it essentially alone. I have a friend I can talk to about it, but I know she's probably tired of listening to my problems.

 

I feel myself getting weaker. My brain knows he's a ****ty person and that if he actually cared about me, he would have contacted me, but my heart is just...dying. I know I have to get used to it, but it's hard being alone when I'm used to him being around or on the phone with me everyday. I feel unwanted and stupid, while he's probably out dating somebody else and happy.

[FistOfTheNorthStar]

Greetings Jewel. I am sorry that its going very hard for you. Heartbreak is always one of, if not, the hardest things that we go through in life. It's so hard to remove such an important aspect of your life like that and so quickly, its like going cold turkey off a hard drug, as this is how I see love honestly, its a drug, and the detox SUCKS!

Don't fray though my friend, of course it will be rough to avoid contacting your ex. I myself fight off not looking at my blocked emails to see if she even apologized, but you WILL get through this. It will be so rough, and painful, but its possible. When you want to contact him, post on here or message your bestie. That's why they're your best friend, my circle already knows this and although they probably are sick of it, they know I would do the exact same for them. Keep up with the grad school and use the bits and pieces of what he shattered to come to what you know your heart truly wants in another person, because I can promise you, he's not the one for you, just like she was not for me. I hope you are well. -F

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

You can always feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. Sounds like our breakups happened around the same time, so I'm working on the same timeline as you.

 

NC is tougher than I thought. The first couple of weeks are easy and you feel relieved, but then your thoughts catch up and you're so tempted to break it even for a sense of momentary relief by hearing from your ex.

 

Your mind knows he's ****, but your heart just can't seem to catch up. It's exhausting.

[JewelD]

So I'm one month NC, about a month and a half post BU. Here's what happened if you're interested: My Breakup. I have a new job for the summer, I've got a dog, I write in my journal all the time, I watch tons of netflix and read books and listen to music and exercise etc etc.

 

The problem is despite knowing the answer to most of my own questions and understanding that my ex is a terrible person and that I need to move on to heal from all the pain I've experienced, I can't stop ridiculous thoughts from entering my mind.

 

For example, today I started blaming myself for the breakup. Thinking that I was not a pleasant person to be around and that he had good reason to dump me.

 

I know this isn't true at all, I treated this dude better than I treated myself. and I put up with a lot of his emotional abuse for a long time. I was always there for him.

 

I know in the long run I have not lost anything bc he wasn't really doing anything for me. I know he's the one who chose to walk away from somebody that loved him and would have done anything for him. He didn't treat me that way, so there's no reason to be upset.

 

But still, these thoughts keep creeping into my mind. I feel guilty, or stupid for saying certain things, selfish for not doing more than I was. I worked so hard, and part of me just feels ashamed that it wasn't enough for him.

 

How do I make these stupid and untrue thoughts go away? Is anybody else feeling this way?

[FistOfTheNorthStar]

Honestly they come by and go away. I myself find myself doing the same, ever since my therapist told me to prepare myself I'm so afraid of my ex returning. Mainly because of why she would come back when she left everything I did for her behind. I literally put my life on hold so I could help her succeed and move forward with life. Then she ended up leaving me. Mainly I've been very sad as of late.

[DexterLS]

Only time will make it go away, trust me.

 

I am 2 months post BU and only 2 days of NC, although we haven't talked for 21 days now. I broke NC by taking a look at her social media accounts.

 

I can't stop ridiculous thoughts from cropping into my mind too. I wake up everyday angry about what she did to me. It's perfectly normal to feel this way and I do believe you will soon start to forget about this all.

 

All the best

[Arieswoman]

JewelD,

I think that the problem is with most of us is, that the heart takes time to catch up with the brain.

 

We know logically that our exes are no good for us, but we still want them back. Don't ask me why it works that way.

 

Time is your friend here - stay strong x

[learnbyliving]

Yes I'm struggling with this exact thing right now; I can't compartmentalize my emotions and focus on things I need to do to move forward (exercise, work, friends). I honestly feel like I can't control my emotions like 'normal' people who go through a breakup, like my friends who hurt on the inside but keep it together even when talking to me about it.

 

I've talked myself through all the rational points BUT it only helps me quell a panic attack in the moment. I literally spend all day fighting to be functional. Sadness and panic are the first emotions I feel when I wake and the emotions that make me exhausted enough to fall asleep at night.

 

When I read other people's stories here, I realize I am relatively lucky from an objective point of view and yet still. I saw a therapist and even took anti-depressants last year to deal with underlying issues but they were temporary salves. The only thing that helps now is that I accept this is a part of living and through surviving bad life experiences, the future will be easier.

 

You're not alone and I hope by letting your feelings out here, that makes you feel better. It definitely helps me because I don't want to keep burdening my friends and family with the same story.

[Lunay]

It's because you are still hurting over it. I know during the time I was broken up with my bf, I was very depressed and crying a lot... Even though he treated me horribly. The only thing that made it better was talking to him and knowing he still cared about me. Getting back together literally made me better.

It will go away with time, soon you won't care at all.

[Taramere]

It sounds like your inner critic talking. The part of us that absorbs every judgemental, criticising, shaming person we've ever met. I think you should imagine that inner critic of yours as having a stupid name and a gormless face. Whenever it gives you a negative message, imagine that message being spoken in a real hick, thicko sort of manner. Your inner critic, the buffoon with zero credibility....which is not really part of you, but simply the manifestation of various unhelpful people you've met, squatting in your head.

 

You might as well have some fun with the thing, until it finally goes away.

[Haydn]

Sorry to hear this.

 

Common sense rarely raises it`s head after breakups.

 

Oh it`s there but pushed gently to one side. (For now)

 

Time and time.....

 

Normal....

 

Push on.

[aloneinaz]

The emotions due to rejection overwhelm our common sense. Most people on this site who've been dumped will heal as time passes and they move onto new relationships. What they'll also find is their common sense raises back up over their emotions of rejection. They can then view their previous relationship and view it correctly. In most cases, they understand and are grateful that the relationship is over..

 

 

Everyone makes mistakes in relationships.. EVERYONE. After a relationship fails, both sides should review their contributions to it's failure and LEARN from it so as to not repeat them again.

 

 

I went to a state mandated parenting class after my divorce. The instructor asked what % of 1st marriages fail in this county. It was 50%. He then asked the failure rate of 2nd marriage. It was 65%. He then asked the group why it was higher? No one got the answer correct. So, he shared it was higher due to people bringing in their same bad habits that contributed to their first divorce into the new marriage.

 

 

My point is we all have a chance to learn from relationship failures, even if we really were not at fault.

[JewelD]

So I was looking back through some of my old threads on here and thought I'd update this one. Hopefully it will give someone else going through a breakup motivation to keep going!

 

It's been about a year since my breakup and while I won't say my life is perfect now, it's 95% better than it was when I was with my ex. I was soo devastated when it happened, but the breakup was one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

 

The original breakup happened around the end of April 2015 and I would say I spent May, June and July completely depressed. Then August came around, I started having conversations with people on dating sites and I was over my depression.

 

During that summer, my ex refused to take my calls/texts. But once I was over the situation, he tried to call and text me about once every two months for an entire year. I haven't responded or answered his calls, but he still keeps trying.

 

Yesterday, I rejected his call and he sent me a long text message saying how he doesn't understand how things got this bad between us, he hates that he can't ask me how I'm doing, he really wants to talk about how our lives have changed since, and that he wants my animosity towards him to end.

 

And I think this is something a lot of people going through NC right now will experience if they stick to it, calls/texts from your ex wanting to get back together or "chit chat". Don't do it.

 

It's all bs. Now I see just how narcissistic he is that he thinks he's entitled to my attention/time despite all of the pain he caused me during our relationship.

 

And I understand that he's not calling/texting because he actually wants to talk to me, he's doing it because he has nothing better to do. He's doing it because narcissists hate to be ignored. and of course, once you stop ignoring them, they don't care anymore. They've gained their power back.

 

It was really fun to reject his calls and see the corny text messages he would send, to finally see the tables turn. But now, I just want to be completely and entirely done with it. So I blocked his number. I'm not interested in revenge or karma. I'm not really interested in what happens to him one or the other.

 

 

But some of the lessons I learned from this breakup are:

 

-you shouldn't trust people just because you want to. Even when people seem kind and say they would never hurt or lie to you, if their actions are showing you otherwise, move on.

 

-To stop dragging out the inevitable. He broke up with me so many times and I kept getting back with him even though I knew it had to end eventually.

 

-Take care of yourself. Especially during the breakup. Exercise, write down your feelings, ALL of them, talk to your friends and family even if you just want to curl up in a ball and be alone.

 

-Put yourself first. This is something I'm still working on but getting better at. Breakups are that much worse when you realize that person took up ALL of your time and effort. But if you put yourself and your own interests and goals at the forefront of your life and think of relationships as an addition to those things, you won't lose yourself in the relationship or a possible breakup.

 

-Everybody doesn't deserve a second chance. NO ONE deserves a third, fourth or fifth.

 

-Relationships that don't work aren't a waste of time. I named this thread three years down the drain but it really wasn't. It was three years in which I accomplished a lot of personal goals and became a wiser person. I'm sure some crazy mess will happen somewhere down the line because that's life, but I know I'll never allow myself to endure a relationship like this ever again.

 

So if you're going through a breakup right now, keep going. There IS a light at the end of this dark tunnel.