jtz Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 So i work with a girl and now i love her n im married! I know it sounded typical like im a scumbag but oh boy after u read it u will understand. Been six months at the job, this girl trained me first on the machine. I knew she liked me like had a crush from day one cuz she talk alot n flirt sometimes. The second day i told her im married and she seemed pissed but she got it n kept her distance. For 4 months we just said hi and thats abt it. I had told my wife i work with n girl she liked me but told her im married n she pissed at me. We joke abt those types of things etc. Now u r wondering how the F did i fall in love with her . Well here me out . About a month ago she went on a week vacation and i had to run her machine. The dam thing was so physically demanding i give up n the 4th day got the flu n stayed home lol. Now plz keep in mind this girl run this machine everyday. When she came bk i talked to her n told her i feel her pain n will try to help her with the hard stuff n the end of shift she denied but i still went n help her cuz obviously i felt sorry. I then began to noticed us chatting more n more abt casual stuff work cars etc. No flirting. I even came home n told my wife we talk n she seems like a nice person etc. Then i noticed she began putting on make up n kept staring at me througout the nights n stuff n wait for me at the end of shift. Now this girl is beautiful, intelligent, sexy and charming so all the guys want a piece of her at work. At first they used to talk stuff lik me they want to sleep with her etc n i didnt care but i started to get mad in my gead abt a week ago. I then relized i think im devloping feelings for this girl that im unaware of. I decided to not think abt it too much n try ignore her at work but i kept feeling sorry at the end of shift n help her out. Plus i feel bad to just stop helping her all of a sudden bare in mind theres no flirting hanky panky going on. 2 days ago she came to work sick n i was concered i ask her whats wrong n she said she sick but have to work. Thats when i relized why i had feelings for her. I admire her strength from day one as a strong independent woman and even more when she ran the rough machine now even more when she was sick so i guess i fell in love with her attributes donno if thats what its called but yea for the past 2 days i cant stop thinking abt her in my head. I feel so guilty n i know its cheating so i told my wife in quitting she threw a spoon at me. I then told her i will ask to be moved from where i am for so n so reason bcuz i do not obviously want to tell her the real reason. Nothing happened like we never touched each other n i know how my wife is, if i tell her she will blow up explode into a thousand pieces n think i was at work everyday hammering this girl on all the machines lol. I know its not a funny thing but my wife is insecure n very jealous. Anyways im starting to think in my head why cant i stop thinking abt thiz girl is this real love and what i had with my wife wasnt. Was it the cause for all the fights n hurt in my marriage. My wife kinda forced everything on me ,marriage living together etc but she has given her every ounce of strength n life towards me n i dont ever want to hurt her but dont know what to do. I feel so guilty feel like killing myself so no one gets hurt but in my heart n brain im hurting abt not seeing the girl at work anymore. N the f**cked up part is im not sexually attracted to the girl at work even tho shes angelina jolie kind of hot but im more attracted to her personality n the way she is. Etc i even got so mad i told my wife just to hear what she say if i singed her up for a day work at my job if she would take it(im thinking in my head maybe my wife has all these qualities that this girl has n i dont know) my wife looked at me n said if i want her to be the man like wtf she made it worst.
CarrieT Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 For starters, PLEASE use paragraph breaks and spell out words. You will get a lot more responses if you do not use "txt spk" and abbreviations. On a website like this, all we see are a wall of garbled text. Next, get a new job. 3
No Limit Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Your wife has NEVER forced anything on you. Nobody can force you to anything; you agreed to it all, marriage life and so on. Now if you're tired of all that, go the dignified way and divorce without cheating - once you're single you can do whatever you like until that feeling of "having missed out in life" is gone. Of course you prefer the girl at work - you don't argue with her because you don't share a life with her. And while your mind is in the clouds chasing bunnies your home situation only gets worse which makes the co-worker look all the better. You feed the fantasy yourself. 2
preraph Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I read it all! You're welcome. Now, you can't change your wife into this woman at work, obviously. And why don't I believe you when you say you are not sexually attracted to the girl at work but yet all the other guys are. I do believe you when you say something about her personality and fortitude have impressed you. I am wondering if maybe you empathize with her because you see something about her that you see in yourself about working hard and all that -- and maybe you are wanting to sympathize with this about her because what you really need is for someone to recognize your own efforts at working hard. Maybe it feels so good to help her because you yourself need someone to understand what it's like to get through the day. But of course, your wife knows better than anyone, but no one can know everything. Maybe that's why you want her to go to your work. Maybe you should take your wife into your work if it's allowed for just an hour and let her see what you do. Of course, this is going to be off-putting to the coworker you're crushing on, but again, it is a dose of reality. You are married with a wife. My guess is you need to stand back and get some perspective. I think this emotional response is about you, not the coworker so much. I think both you and your wife maybe need to really share with each other what all you both do in a day and try to really appreciate that in each other before you make any rash decisions here. She probably is feeling underappreciated too, as are most of us, if truth be told. And also before you do something drastic, remember you only know this coworker at work. You don't know who she is off work. She could have a whole laundry list of strikes against her. She could have a mean streak you never see. She could be inflexible. She could be a cheater. You just don't know. You could wreck your marriage and find out your wife is twice the woman this girl is. So don't do anything rash.
Author jtz Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply. Sorry to all who I offended with my typing, English is my 3rd language but it does not excuse me for not typing out my words. I respect the community here and will try my best to type better. I knew some of the responses will be geared towards a more common marriage relationship because I did not explain myself properly. The only reason I mentioned this is because I don't want advise to be given to me based "the right thing to do" because i fail to not give enough information so I'll explain a bit about it and have a better understanding of my relationship. I met my wife online and at the time 3 countries away, things went our way and after dating online (casual) I got luck and moved to the USA which is right next to her country(Canada). We got closer and dated online without ever seeing each other in person then I went to college, work etc while she did the same but because of our priorities, the relationship was falling apart so I just decided to give up everything family school etc and moved to Canada to see her and hopefully settle down "when the time is right". This was understood before I left by both of us, I came we met and dated for about a year in Canada. It was falling apart again , she said I wasn't committed, so I decided to move in with her and just lived together. We did good but a trumatic event happened to me, my sister got raped and I fell into depressed mode, I lost job, friends, did not socialize and everything went downhill. While all this was happening that's when I really saw who my wife was, she started insulting me, etc, cuz I'm not working etc. I told her I'm going to move back so she can continue with her life as it's not fair but she didn't want that she said she will be hurt if I leave. She didn't let me go see my sister, she hide my passports etc. I just figured I'm lucky to have someone who love me so much , something I never had before rasing from a poor abusive family etc. all this was new to me and I wanted to show my appreciation so I stayed with her. She then got her family invloved while I was still going thru trumatic events they were planning wedding (like just paper signing because they said once we are married I can't leave her, I said no I don't want to do it, it's not the right time but my wife have a good heart despite all of that so I said I will do it not to hurt her. I knew we would have lots of problems because of all the issue we went thru in such a short time but she said I don't love her. I then told myself I'm tired of all the problems so I signed the paper and moved in with her mom. I didn't had much of a choice etc, but over the years we've been working on building back the relationship etc,, we are really deep inside but I still haven't recovered from the damaged that have been done to me so somewhat always a bit depress and lonely in my alone time, griefing for my family , my life etc. here's the thing, I know how my wife is, her ways her attitude and I told myself I will learn to love them and try to make it work. I've turned down many woman that came into my life after and had no feelings for them. Always had my priorities right that I love wife and I'm married etc.m I finally got a job after being unemployed at a company for 4 years(was self employed because after the I incident and the stuff I went thru could not socialize well and hold on to any job) I've put some of the pieces back together got a job, did well, got promoted etc, my wife was really happy for the first time but I was still the same and the sadness knowing that she is only happy because I got a job hurted more etc. when I was down and I'm still down was getting all the Insults etc. only different now I have a a job so no more Insults. I know no one else will understand me like my wife and if I go into another relationship ppl will just leave me the second the find out my baggage etc. I'm not saying this girl is better than my wife in no way but why can't I get her off my mind. I don't want anything from her, don't want to go out with her or anything but when I think about her all my sadness goes away, I feel great. No one has ever made me feel this way before. If you are wondering what she did to make me feel this way. Nothing really, but I don't want to hurt my wife. I want to tell her how I feel about this girl And be honest and tell her it's not fair to her that we should separate till I figure **** out but she's going to be devastated to a point where she might hurt herself and i might do the same if she does that. I'm scared. I want a solution to take this girl off my mind and go back to my normal life even if we have problems no one will get hurt. I tried to find a another job but my wife is really upset when I told her because she's probably thinking I will go back into depress mode and can't work again. Etc. my life is complicated, do u think I should seek professional advise for this. I just want you all experts that see love questions all the time to be honest and tell me why is this girl on my mind. Do I love her? What is love? How does it feels? And please understand I'm not sexually attracted to her because my wife is hotter and way more attractive and I don't even have a sexual relationship with my wife. My best friend raped my sister my my home country and its in my head 24/7 I get nightmare, sad depress but this girl makes it all goes away. My solution was to continue like normal and if I think abt her everyday and I feel happy let it be, that's only in my head and no one will know, i can try keep my distance again at work from her and will still have a relationship, with my wife but it's not fair to my wife. I cannot live a life with her like this. She deserve someone who thinks about her not someone else so I'm back to square one, trying to figure out what's happening to me, if to tell her and whatever happens happen.
Author jtz Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 Think I'm going to,cancel this thread did not want to get into personal stuff that I'm,really sensitive about. Don't know what kind of feedback I want from that so will,delete and reask this question another time. Ty
Author jtz Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 Can someone plz tell me how to cancel thi thread. Sorry for wasting your time but the comments I got first really appreciate them. Feels good to share something bottled up and hear what ppl think, especially the last response was very details and it all helps.
CarrieT Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 You can't delete a thread once it exists. Sorry. Only moderators can do that and unless there is a court order or something, they rarely do. The Internet is forever....
Confused48 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I did read it all. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you but no, you are not special. Your story is VERY typical. It is all too common what you are going through. Perhaps the most a-typical thing is that you are here looking for help before you did anything too terrible. It is not too late for you to realize your mistake and fix it. You are in the infatuation stage with this new woman. If you give in to your desires, in a very short time you will be into a real relationship with her and realize you gave up your wife and family and self respect for an infatuation that then passed. You don't sound like the kind of guy that wants to bounce from one infatuation to the next for the rest of your life. I suggest you concentrate on your marriage and try to rekindle as much passion with your wife as you can. 1
Author jtz Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) Thank you to preraph and confused for actually trying to give advises that helps out. I found this site on google and thought it was a site where you get professional relationship advises. Didn't realize it was a forum type of thing that anyone can read and respond. Feels great to know its actual ppl that's reading this and commenting. Feels good to know other ppl knows what's going on. Just to calrify, I'm not saying that I'm special just that my relationship is a bit different compare to the majority as the way I met my wife and the way it started. I wish sometimes it was like the majority like I I was living here and met my wife I would have had support from my friends family etc and a place to go to if I needed a break but it is what it is, I don't regret it. On conclusion I'm typing this as tomorrow I'm moving out to an apartment. Why you ask.? I decided to tell the co worker first at work about everything since I didn't know what to do and didn't want it to continue. To my surprised as I didn't know what the outcome would be she said she's sorry for getting involved between me and my wife and she appreciate me opneing up and telling her what was going on. I felt relived so I came home from work talked to my wife about 2 hrs telling her everything even showing her this post to read. I know deep down inside I did not want it to go on further and if I just ignore it I'm afraid it will happen again sometime down the future. Might as well deal with it now and get over with it. I told her I will be moving out and waiting for her decision if she still wants me or not. She was quiet the entire time, more like shocked. I kno she was hurt which I didn't want to but it's better living a lie etc. I told her nothing never happened between us but it's her to believe or not. She only said a few things and one of them was its not her that hurted me all the years was her mom that pushed her too. I believed it but it already happened. She doesn't want me to move but I told her its for the best. I feel great that it's not a secret anymore and if she's decided to continue the relationship atleast she knows the truth already and will be a clean start and hopefully I can make up for what is done somehow. I know my wife would not and she never cheated on me despite all the hurtful stuff we went through so I just had to be honest with her. She Deserve it and have a choice of she wants to continue or move on and find someone else. Thank you all for the help and I appreciate it. Edited June 9, 2015 by jtz
Confused48 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 JTZ - You are an honest person who got into a very bad situation. You are handling it admirably. If there were more people in the world like you there would be less of a need for forums like this. If you want to see what kind of train wrecks that happen to less honest people in your situation you should go read some posts in the "Infidelity" section or the "Other Man/Woman" section. You avoided the worse of it by simply being honest. I admire you
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