onlineaffairs Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 My husband keeps getting online and exchanging explicit pictures with "random strangers". He tells them that he wants to meet up, but tells me he never has. This is not the first time he has done this. I have decided in the past to stay with him because I love him and I have tried to work it out. The first time I found out about it was when I was in the hospital after giving birth to our son. That was almost eight years ago. Last year, I caught him again. We worked it out both times, with promises from him that he won't do it again, etc.. After both times, I would look in his phone at random times and he would be okay with it. On our computer, I have parental controls set up so I can see every website he visits. When I began trusting him again, I stopped looking as much. I guess that was a mistake. I just found out two days ago he started the same behaviors again two months ago. This time, he even made up a fb page (he does not use fb or anything like that). I don't know whether I can forgive him again or not. All I can think about are how many other women have seen his junk that is supposed to be for my eyes only? How many others has he thought about while we were having sex? His fb page had local women on it (which is something new too, it had always been people from at least a few states away, if not a few countries/continents). One woman in his fb friends list he knows personally. They were in college classes together for two years. He used to go to her house and help her out with her car. He got her a job at his old work. She's been to my home and I've cooked her supper many different times. I don't know what to think. Were any of those women at my home when I was at work? I work third shift and when our son is sleeping, barely anything would wake him. I haven't been able to sleep in my bed because I feel disgusted. He denies anything physical happened with these women, but I think that pictures are physical. I don't know what to do. Any advice?
Raena Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 You shouldn't have to monitor your husband like a child to make sure he isn't sharing pictures of himself online or meeting people in person. I hope that doesn't sound rude, but it's true. In a healthy relationship, there is no reason for this kind of checking up on each other. Have you both gotten counseling about this? It seems like you would need to explore his reasons for wanting to get attention from women outside of the relationship. It's obviously affecting your relationship with him if you refuse to sleep in the bed and feel disgusted by it. I'd suggest counseling first to see if you can get to the root of the problem. If you can't, then you'll have to decide if you staying in this marriage is the right thing for you to do. 2
No Limit Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Polygraph is the only one for real answers, a cheater will never lay down his cards. If you have access to his FB etc maybe also monitor that secretly - or install a keylogger if you're able to see what he writes and who he is writing with. But it's good to read you're not stupid enough to believe him tht nothing physical happened - he isn't putting that much effort wooing women just for friendships.
Author onlineaffairs Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 I've only not slept in the same bed for the past few nights. As far as the computer goes, since I put on the parental controls, he has not done anything wrong on the computer. All of this new things that have happened in the past few months has happened on his phone. Also, there are plenty of ways to get around a polygraph. If he truly believes that he has done nothing wrong, the polygraph will say that he has done nothing wrong.
Popsicle Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I think you should focus on what you would DO if you actually caught him cheating. I mean, really really think about that. Because if you're not ready to walk out that door and leave him, then there is no use trying to find out for sure. Not to mention, that he will just say the same things he's already said before, that he won't do it again. This is why some BS's turn a blind eye - they aren't ready to leave. 2
No Limit Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Also, there are plenty of ways to get around a polygraph. If he truly believes that he has done nothing wrong, the polygraph will say that he has done nothing wrong. That's why you don't ask "Have you done anything wrong?", but give more specific questions. "Have you had sex with another woman during our marriage?" for example is a question he couldn't evade - yes or no questions only. 2
spanz1 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 it is possible that he has only talked to online partners who are far away. If he is in USA and is sending pics to a woman in Australia....you can bet that it is just a fantasy....he is not about to fly half way around the world to meet her. He still is having an EA, which could be a deal breaker as far as you are concerned...so you have to decide on that. IF instead he is sexting with women one town away...then it IS likely he will eventually physically meet with them, if he has not already done so. the point is, HOW he does his sexting will tell you what his ultimate intention is. If his location is hidden, and he only sexts women far far away...then it is only his sexual fetish he is trying to fulfill, not a hunt to find affair partners.
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I've only not slept in the same bed for the past few nights. As far as the computer goes, since I put on the parental controls, he has not done anything wrong on the computer. All of this new things that have happened in the past few months has happened on his phone. Also, there are plenty of ways to get around a polygraph. If he truly believes that he has done nothing wrong, the polygraph will say that he has done nothing wrong. You put your foot down and tell him to stop it and if he can't stop on his own to get counseling to fix whatever it is that's broken inside of him. Whether he is doing this for a big ego stroke or he's addicted to online connecting with strangers, it's wrong and inappropriate since he is married to you. Does he have any addictive habits or other behaviours? 2
dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 It'sstill hurtful and it's still cheating. After six years of concurrent bullshyte myself, I wish I would have left the first time I found out. Your self-esteem WILL recover and honestly, you'll forget about this dumbass and feel happier just from not having the anxiety. And his old lies will fade and he will become like a pathetic cartoon character that couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Then after a bit, your positive outlook will return and you'll be ready to live life and breathe normally again. The bitterness and shattered hope feeling will disappear as well. You don't deserve to live with this, always waiting for the hammer to fall again. You knew he didn't want to get better. He just wanted you to stop talking about it. He wants you to shut up so he can screw you over with pussy for the thrill of it. That's who he really is. He views you like a Mom he can take his anger out on by being a passive aggressive liar. Seriously. Think about it. How many times has he lied to your face day in and out? Yeah, he really sparkles when he wants something from you, doesn't he? But you can't even go to work or the store without your stomach doing flip-flops can you? Not knowing what's happening when you leave his lying ass alone with an electronic. Or if he's hiding other electronics. Mine did that. Bought laptops and tablets and hid them. It isn't worth it. They don't want to change it. They love the gamble of "maybe getting caught." Until they get caught. Then they want you to shut up. It isn't " the relationship." It isn't you. It's the effed up pathology they have. Healthy, normal people don't do this to a spouse. Or if they do it and see how much they hurt their spouse, they don't do it again. He's placating you at best. I'm sorry. It is so very rough and YES you have every right to demand better, more respectful behaviour from your spouse AND you have EVERY right to leave. 4
Phoenician Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 you sound like my wife , though never caught me online dating . what did u do to gain him , mine does only vanilla , only when she wants , only the way she wants , she accepted a normal french kiss after years of marriage , and if I ask her to make anything sexual ( nothing abnormal) , I become in the pic of an abnormal person .... She hasn't given me oral in 17 years , because she is not into it ; well , I am into it , so let her enjoy her life without me , I have seperated from her and I will divorce her ass soon... If you want to keep your huby , learn how to appr5oach him , and he should be good to you too, if you are not , goodbue for marriage wether he cheat on you online , physically or just MB in his bed...
Brigit Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 My husband keeps getting online and exchanging explicit pictures with "random strangers". He tells them that he wants to meet up, but tells me he never has. This is not the first time he has done this. I have decided in the past to stay with him because I love him and I have tried to work it out. The first time I found out about it was when I was in the hospital after giving birth to our son. That was almost eight years ago. Last year, I caught him again. We worked it out both times, with promises from him that he won't do it again, etc.. After both times, I would look in his phone at random times and he would be okay with it. On our computer, I have parental controls set up so I can see every website he visits. When I began trusting him again, I stopped looking as much. I guess that was a mistake. I just found out two days ago he started the same behaviors again two months ago. This time, he even made up a fb page (he does not use fb or anything like that). I don't know whether I can forgive him again or not. All I can think about are how many other women have seen his junk that is supposed to be for my eyes only? How many others has he thought about while we were having sex? His fb page had local women on it (which is something new too, it had always been people from at least a few states away, if not a few countries/continents). One woman in his fb friends list he knows personally. They were in college classes together for two years. He used to go to her house and help her out with her car. He got her a job at his old work. She's been to my home and I've cooked her supper many different times. I don't know what to think. Were any of those women at my home when I was at work? I work third shift and when our son is sleeping, barely anything would wake him. I haven't been able to sleep in my bed because I feel disgusted. He denies anything physical happened with these women, but I think that pictures are physical. I don't know what to do. Any advice? It sounds like he has an addiction at this point. Are any of the online affairs serious?
Lois_Griffin Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 you sound like my wife , though never caught me online dating . what did u do to gain him , mine does only vanilla , only when she wants , only the way she wants , she accepted a normal french kiss after years of marriage , and if I ask her to make anything sexual ( nothing abnormal) , I become in the pic of an abnormal person .... She hasn't given me oral in 17 years , because she is not into it ; well , I am into it , so let her enjoy her life without me , I have seperated from her and I will divorce her ass soon... If you want to keep your huby , learn how to appr5oach him , and he should be good to you too, if you are not , goodbue for marriage wether he cheat on you online , physically or just MB in his bed... Just because YOU didn't use your smarts when picking a wife and CHOSE to marry a frigid spinster doesn't mean EVERY woman is one. Nowhere in the OP's post does she claim she hasn't been a willing and involved marital partner. Why are you so quick to assume the OP drove him to acting like a pig on the internet? I'm sure the OP deeply regrets that she couldn't be swinging from a chandelier for her poor, deprived husband while she was busy giving birth to their child in the hospital, but hopefully she'll make that up to him REAL soon. Poor, poor guy. Onlineaffairs, I think you're right in assuming that he's probably met up with some of the sleazy women who were desperate enough to want to see his pitiful junk. The first thing I'd be doing is setting up a full STD panel for his sorry, lying ass (and for yourself as well). If he wants to sleaze it up with anyone who'll have him, then he deserves to be poked and prodded and swabbed and violated in every possible way. Secondly, since he wants to continue lying through his teeth to you, don't discount the suggestion of the poly and blow it off. Very DIRECT questions, which the polygraph expert will help you formulate, will get you plenty of 'truth.' He's not Houdini and he's not invincible, so he's not going to be able to make his way around a polygraph test. If he's lying, he'll more than likely be caught at it. So reconsider the poly because the liar is NOT going to volunteer any information to you. You can drag him to all the counseling you want. I don't see how a shrink is going to magically make his high libido dissipate, but I guess its better than nothing. I think you're stuck with a serial cheater and they just don't change. They don't. Good luck to you. 3
Author onlineaffairs Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 It sounds like he has an addiction at this point. Are any of the online affairs serious? not that I know of.. This is the first time he has ever talked to/friended someone we actually know from real life.
Author onlineaffairs Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 Just because YOU didn't use your smarts when picking a wife and CHOSE to marry a frigid spinster doesn't mean EVERY woman is one. Nowhere in the OP's post does she claim she hasn't been a willing and involved marital partner. Why are you so quick to assume the OP drove him to acting like a pig on the internet? I'm sure the OP deeply regrets that she couldn't be swinging from a chandelier for her poor, deprived husband while she was busy giving birth to their child in the hospital, but hopefully she'll make that up to him REAL soon. Poor, poor guy. Onlineaffairs, I think you're right in assuming that he's probably met up with some of the sleazy women who were desperate enough to want to see his pitiful junk. The first thing I'd be doing is setting up a full STD panel for his sorry, lying ass (and for yourself as well). If he wants to sleaze it up with anyone who'll have him, then he deserves to be poked and prodded and swabbed and violated in every possible way. Secondly, since he wants to continue lying through his teeth to you, don't discount the suggestion of the poly and blow it off. Very DIRECT questions, which the polygraph expert will help you formulate, will get you plenty of 'truth.' He's not Houdini and he's not invincible, so he's not going to be able to make his way around a polygraph test. If he's lying, he'll more than likely be caught at it. So reconsider the poly because the liar is NOT going to volunteer any information to you. You can drag him to all the counseling you want. I don't see how a shrink is going to magically make his high libido dissipate, but I guess its better than nothing. I think you're stuck with a serial cheater and they just don't change. They don't. Good luck to you. Thanks for sticking up for me. I thought our sex life was great before this happened and he told me it was too. I've already set up appointments for STD checks. Mine is tomorrow. His is on Friday. I still don't know about a polygraph test. I just don't trust them. They aren't accurate. They aren't even valid in courts anymore, at least not around here. As far as counseling goes, I am a psychologist. I counsel people daily. Right now, I am on the verge of quitting because I see too many people not take me seriously. I'll think I had a break-through at work with a couple and see them in the store the next week where it looks as if nothing has changed. I know I can't counsel myself or my husband, but I've helped friends and family through so much in the past. My husband has always been able to talk to me and we've always worked things out. This sneaking around has to stop. He knows it has to stop. He says he wants to stop but he doesn't know how. He's seen male counselors in the past that I don't know, so he can feel better able to communicate. I do not feel comfortable with him seeing a female counselor at all, and he knows this.
Author onlineaffairs Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 you sound like my wife , though never caught me online dating . what did u do to gain him , mine does only vanilla , only when she wants , only the way she wants , she accepted a normal french kiss after years of marriage , and if I ask her to make anything sexual ( nothing abnormal) , I become in the pic of an abnormal person .... She hasn't given me oral in 17 years , because she is not into it ; well , I am into it , so let her enjoy her life without me , I have seperated from her and I will divorce her ass soon... If you want to keep your huby , learn how to appr5oach him , and he should be good to you too, if you are not , goodbue for marriage wether he cheat on you online , physically or just MB in his bed... When I "gained" my husband, we had a very active, fulfilling sex life. Neither of us are afraid of oral and both of us like to spice things up and try new things. Right now, I do not feel as if I need to learn how to approach my husband. No matter how good he is to my physically or I am to him, does not justify him looking, talking, chatting, exchanging dirty images, or anything else he might have done outside of the marriage. The only times our sex life has been diminished is after I found him lying to me and sneaking around. Last month, we had sex at least five times a week, every week, and that is only counting full on sex (not oral or messing around). Did you ever think that your wife wasn't into oral because she didn't know where your junk has been? My husband isn't even getting a peck on his cheek from me until I know he hasn't gotten any kind of disease from wherever his junk has been, and probably not for a long time after that, if ever again from me. It is in no way my fault that he decided to break our marriage covenant and go outside the marriage for things I was already giving him. If he wasn't happy with what I was giving him, he has a voice, he knows how to speak, and I listen very well. Maybe if you weren't happy with your marriage, you should have communicated that to her and she would have tried a little harder or something. Maybe she didn't catch you cheating online because she didn't care enough to look. Maybe she had already given up on you. I haven't given up completely on my husband, but it's getting pretty darn close. I care less and less every time I find out that he did it again. One day, I won't care at all. Your wife seems like she is already there. 3
Author onlineaffairs Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 It'sstill hurtful and it's still cheating. After six years of concurrent bullshyte myself, I wish I would have left the first time I found out. Your self-esteem WILL recover and honestly, you'll forget about this dumbass and feel happier just from not having the anxiety. And his old lies will fade and he will become like a pathetic cartoon character that couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Then after a bit, your positive outlook will return and you'll be ready to live life and breathe normally again. The bitterness and shattered hope feeling will disappear as well. You don't deserve to live with this, always waiting for the hammer to fall again. You knew he didn't want to get better. He just wanted you to stop talking about it. He wants you to shut up so he can screw you over with pussy for the thrill of it. That's who he really is. He views you like a Mom he can take his anger out on by being a passive aggressive liar. Seriously. Think about it. How many times has he lied to your face day in and out? Yeah, he really sparkles when he wants something from you, doesn't he? But you can't even go to work or the store without your stomach doing flip-flops can you? Not knowing what's happening when you leave his lying ass alone with an electronic. Or if he's hiding other electronics. Mine did that. Bought laptops and tablets and hid them. It isn't worth it. They don't want to change it. They love the gamble of "maybe getting caught." Until they get caught. Then they want you to shut up. It isn't " the relationship." It isn't you. It's the effed up pathology they have. Healthy, normal people don't do this to a spouse. Or if they do it and see how much they hurt their spouse, they don't do it again. He's placating you at best. I'm sorry. It is so very rough and YES you have every right to demand better, more respectful behaviour from your spouse AND you have EVERY right to leave. Thank you. A lot of this is exactly how I feel most of the time. Then there are the times when I look at him and know I still love him. I see him with our son and want to make it work out. Last night, we were all watching a movie and I glanced at him only to find that he was already looking at me with a heartbroken look on his face. I hope your situation has gotten better. 1
MM1234 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Have you considered doing the 180 on your DH? Show him what life is like without you? My DH & I are still trying to repair things in our marriage. He did very similar things as your DH did, except my DH had emotional affairs with opposite sex "friends" that were local. But I got sick of his bull$hit & decided I was not going to let him hurt me the way he has been doing & I started the 180. Fast forward to 8 months, now my DH wants to work on the marriage. I scared him of the thought of losing me. We are still very fresh on the working it out, but the 180 certainly got my DH's attention....maybe you should look into it & put it into action.
dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Thanks for sticking up for me. I thought our sex life was great before this happened and he told me it was too. I've already set up appointments for STD checks. Mine is tomorrow. His is on Friday. I still don't know about a polygraph test. I just don't trust them. They aren't accurate. They aren't even valid in courts anymore, at least not around here. As far as counseling goes, I am a psychologist. I counsel people daily. Right now, I am on the verge of quitting because I see too many people not take me seriously. I'll think I had a break-through at work with a couple and see them in the store the next week where it looks as if nothing has changed. I know I can't counsel myself or my husband, but I've helped friends and family through so much in the past. My husband has always been able to talk to me and we've always worked things out. This sneaking around has to stop. He knows it has to stop. He says he wants to stop but he doesn't know how. He's seen male counselors in the past that I don't know, so he can feel better able to communicate. I do not feel comfortable with him seeing a female counselor at all, and he knows this. Polygraphs are still inadmissable in court. However, they are now 95%+ accurate. They are more likely to produce a false positive than a false negative. According to Hope and Freedom for Sexual Addicts and Their Partners, a polygraph is quickly becoming part of standard treatment since Sexual Addicts also have pathological lying issues. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Thank you. A lot of this is exactly how I feel most of the time. Then there are the times when I look at him and know I still love him. I see him with our son and want to make it work out. Last night, we were all watching a movie and I glanced at him only to find that he was already looking at me with a heartbroken look on his face. I hope your situation has gotten better. It didn't. That's kind of my point. And it was not from lack of engagement or effort on my part. They are able to "fit the role" as needed. And able to "feel real bad" about what they are doing, however they are often not engaged enough to change anything. Frankly, IMHO, they will spend more time trying to manage or escape your feelings than deal with their own, and own their actions. Not because "they are terrible people" but because for whatever reason with their attachments they oscillate between shame and self-preservation. Most healthy, average people oscillate between connectivity and self-identity. A lot of sexual addicts have underdeveloped identities and have immense difficulty connecting to their own emotions and that of other. You see a thousand masks, each playing a role to whatever portion of their life they want it to. Basically, he's in his own Hell, doesn't recognise the role he plays in it on an emotional level. He can parrot back to you "what he did and why it's bad" but he can't really attach and believe it. It's hard to articulate. But he's living for his next fix/attention from someone not close to him that can't see his flaws yet. You would never guess my husband had more issues than the UN if you were sitting across from him. He presents very well. 1
Steen719 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 When I "gained" my husband, we had a very active, fulfilling sex life. Neither of us are afraid of oral and both of us like to spice things up and try new things. Right now, I do not feel as if I need to learn how to approach my husband. No matter how good he is to my physically or I am to him, does not justify him looking, talking, chatting, exchanging dirty images, or anything else he might have done outside of the marriage. The only times our sex life has been diminished is after I found him lying to me and sneaking around. Last month, we had sex at least five times a week, every week, and that is only counting full on sex (not oral or messing around). Did you ever think that your wife wasn't into oral because she didn't know where your junk has been? My husband isn't even getting a peck on his cheek from me until I know he hasn't gotten any kind of disease from wherever his junk has been, and probably not for a long time after that, if ever again from me. It is in no way my fault that he decided to break our marriage covenant and go outside the marriage for things I was already giving him. If he wasn't happy with what I was giving him, he has a voice, he knows how to speak, and I listen very well. Maybe if you weren't happy with your marriage, you should have communicated that to her and she would have tried a little harder or something. Maybe she didn't catch you cheating online because she didn't care enough to look. Maybe she had already given up on you. I haven't given up completely on my husband, but it's getting pretty darn close. I care less and less every time I find out that he did it again. One day, I won't care at all. Your wife seems like she is already there. Hear Hear! 3
autumnnight Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 you sound like my wife , though never caught me online dating . what did u do to gain him , mine does only vanilla , only when she wants , only the way she wants , she accepted a normal french kiss after years of marriage , and if I ask her to make anything sexual ( nothing abnormal) , I become in the pic of an abnormal person .... She hasn't given me oral in 17 years , because she is not into it ; well , I am into it , so let her enjoy her life without me , I have seperated from her and I will divorce her ass soon... If you want to keep your huby , learn how to appr5oach him , and he should be good to you too, if you are not , goodbue for marriage wether he cheat on you online , physically or just MB in his bed... Ummmmm....no. He is cheating, and that is wrong no matter what her hubby feels or how vanilla she is. If you're trolling women on the internet, you're a cheater. 2
Author onlineaffairs Posted June 9, 2015 Author Posted June 9, 2015 Have you considered doing the 180 on your DH? Show him what life is like without you? My DH & I are still trying to repair things in our marriage. He did very similar things as your DH did, except my DH had emotional affairs with opposite sex "friends" that were local. But I got sick of his bull$hit & decided I was not going to let him hurt me the way he has been doing & I started the 180. Fast forward to 8 months, now my DH wants to work on the marriage. I scared him of the thought of losing me. We are still very fresh on the working it out, but the 180 certainly got my DH's attention....maybe you should look into it & put it into action. What exactly do you mean as a 180? Just pretend we aren't married? Go on internet dating sites myself? On actual dates? I've thought about making a profile of myself and talking to some people, not actually looking/dating/sharing nasty pictures, but more looking for friends and letting my husband think whatever he wants to think about what is happening. I just don't know if I could even do that. I don't even really look at guys since we've been together. I might say someone is attractive, but I don't remember even having a fantasy about anyone other than him since we've been together. Remembering past relationships feels wrong to me and I stop those thoughts before they really even start.
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