There is a woman after my husband...What do I do?!

[MuddyRock]

You should never give anyone but yourself all of your trust.

See according to statistics 75% of marriages have been the victim of an affair at some point.

I trusted my husband too.

I wish I had put an end to the inappropriate female relationships before there was a problem. I didn't want to seem crazy or jelous.

 

Well guess what ladies the excuse I got for his cheating was that I was never jelous so he thought I didn't care about him. Grrrr. You cannot win. I think alot of men do like a little jelousy. Besides who cares if this ow thinks your nuts??

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Setting up boundaries is fine. Being controlling & causing drama is not. I'm not saying that you are.

 

 

Know this: your husband will only cheat, if HE decides to. She can't cause or make him do anything. If someone cheats, that's because they are a dishonorable person who lacks integrity. If your husband is honorable & has integrity, he'll never cheat no matter what.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Hey, I can even send her a reply via my husbands cell and she'll think that its coming from him.. I would be more assertive anyway. lol

 

As a former OW, I can tell you that almost never works. It'll undermine your relationship with him, not hers with him. She'll ask him why he sent the text he did, he'll figure out you sent it, then he'll never look at you the same again.

[autumnnight]

Look, the woman spends more time with your husband than you do at 80 hours per week...also they know him a lot better than you probably do, therefore feeling much closer and the boundaries are a lot looser.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't forcefully try to cause some divide or rift between these relationships...in the bigger picture you are the new person, you are the "outsider"....yes, even as his "wife". Plus you're only 26, they're not going to take you that seriously anyway...just young love typically kind of thing.

 

Even if your husband does sleep with her occasionally, or has in the past already...it's not likely to break up your marriage, he'll just get some sugar on the side while you stay home and raise the children, you'll still have your little white-picket-fence type of scenario here for yourself and it's likely to cause any real damage to your marriage overall...eventually they'll stop sleeping together and things will just go back to the way they always were, because you'd likely have not known the difference anyway.

 

All in all, you'll have a pretty typical and normal marriage in the end...if anything, he might leave you for someone else later on down the road...when you're not so young anymore, for him she's kind of an "old lady", and she's got her own husband and kids. So she's not really ever going to "steal" him away, it's just for fun.

 

I am completely flabbergasted and nauseous

[mandymor]

If I were you I wouldn't do anything. If you are secure in your relationship, and you trust your husband you have to see how it plays out. If he loves you, and only you, then he will come to the right decisions himself and take the appropriate actions.

[MuddyRock]

The problem is he has already made inappropriate actions.

His language with her and hanging out with her behind the OW husband's back is already a huge boundary violation and is clearly already an emotional affair if only on a small scale.

[jacg89]

So I just checked his phone and noticed that he never replied to that text she sent him (on june 6th) ...either he doesn't care so he forgot to reply, or maybe he's catching on to what she's trying to do.. hmm

[Ninjainpajamas]

I am completely flabbergasted and nauseous

 

Sorry, that's real life.

 

It's a bit comical this whole little game of tug-o-war and female "logic" which are really just emotional responses/reactions...all this does is create this rift of jealousy and craziness that stokes the fire even more and is appealing to men, after all you are making him the center of attention.

 

I know exactly how men think and feel, and react to these situations and a woman's perception is entirely off, if anything she's digging herself into a deeper hole and actually creating more of a dynamic between him and her by her behavior.

 

But we'll let the situation speak for itself...when she finds out he slept with her or does in the future...she'll be the one who is "flabbergasted and nauseous"...but this is straight out the playbook of a typical marriage and life.

 

She's only 26, she's still got that jealousy streak, she's still got that youthful idealistic love...he's older and not in the same cloud as her, but he puts on an act of tears and emotionally vulnerability to buy some brownie points...this older woman doesn't give a damn about his "little young wife", she doesn't give a damn how she feels or what she thinks, she's a grown woman and has been through and experienced life and doesn't believe in butterflies and rainbows anymore...if anything the flirtation gives her a bit of excitement because of the playful banter with a "younger man" who makes her feel more attractive and desirable...which she's probably missing from her own relationship.

 

Get with the program people, learn a thing or two from life, people and relationships...after all you're on LS...if you think your situation is special and unique, you're letting a lot of relevant information go right over your head, and in the end that's what makes you suffer the same fate as everyone else out there.

Edited June 9, 2015 by Ninjainpajamas

[jacg89]

I have one question for you- do you trust him?

I'm only asking because if you do, it won't matter if women throw themselves at him, you know he will make the right decision.

 

I do trust him, 100%. But I also think that they may have had a fling 8 years ago when he was single and when she worked in the diner.

 

I do trust that he will make the decision, but at the same time, after being in a relationship before my husband (my only other relationship) for 4 years and being cheated on, i don't trust anyone but myself.

 

he hasn't replied to the last text message that she sent him (which was 3 days ago) so that tells me that he either doesn't care so he forgot to reply to her, or maybe he's seeing what she is trying to do.... i hate to say this, but i plan to occasionally keep checking his cell to see if she's still been texting him, and if she does, and he replies again... i will definitely bring this up to him and try to make him say something to her.

[jacg89]

Sorry, that's real life.

 

It's a bit comical this whole little game of tug-o-war and female "logic" which are really just emotional responses/reactions...all this does is create this rift of jealousy and craziness that stokes the fire even more and is appealing to men, after all you are making him the center of attention.

 

I know exactly how men think and feel, and react to these situations and a woman's perception is entirely off, if anything she's digging herself into a deeper hole and actually creating more of a dynamic between him and her by her behavior.

 

But we'll let the situation speak for itself...when she finds out he slept with her or does in the future...she'll be the one who is "flabbergasted and nauseous"...but this is straight out the playbook of a typical marriage and life.

 

She's only 26, she's still got that jealousy streak, she's still got that youthful idealistic love...he's older and not in the same cloud as her, but he puts on an act of tears and emotionally vulnerability to buy some brownie points...this older woman doesn't give a damn about his "little young wife", she doesn't give a damn how she feels or what she thinks, she's a grown woman and has been through and experienced life and doesn't believe in butterflies and rainbows anymore...if anything the flirtation gives her a bit of excitement because of the playful banter with a "younger man" who makes her feel more attractive and desirable...which she's probably missing from her own relationship.

 

Get with the program people, learn a thing or two from life, people and relationships...after all you're on LS...if you think your situation is special and unique, you're letting a lot of relevant information go right over your head, and in the end that's what makes you suffer the same fate as everyone else out there.

 

I am 7 years younger than he is, and I am not the jealous type unless I have a reason to be jealous. I am very mature. We are both in love as ever and happy. We spend all of our time together... I just know this woman is trying to get with him, and I have no problem telling my husband to tell her that this is all inappropriate and has to stop... or we can all hang out together. I am his priority.

The thing that is getting me is, these girls and the whole family know my husband. They are all close. The mom and 2 girls used to take him to church and lunch on Sundays when his days off used to be on Sundays years ago. I just think that my husband will have a hard time doing that if he honestly believes that this is all in innocent friendship behavior.

[rester]

My husband runs a diner for the past 12 years. Before I met him, like 8 years ago these 3 girls (a mother and 2 daughters) started working at the diner. They all became very close. They helped him learn english, apparently. Just last week we went to the mothers house for dinner. We got married last summer, and everybody showed up in that family, except the one woman who I believe is after him. She is a lot older than he is, married and with her own kids. (she's 48) husband is 32 and I am 26.

 

When we were still dating, we went to the restaurant where she works and she seemed like just a friend. Right after we announced that we were getting married, she texts him and begs him to talk to her before he got married, wanted to make sure he was really happy, etc. After we got married, she texts him a picture of us together from the wedding saying, "are you really going to tell me she is not pregnant?!" because in that one picture it does kind of look like I was... WHY DOES SHE CARE?!

 

In January, she texts him asking to hang out/catch up, also sending him a picture of an old $1 store mood changing ring that says "i love you" on it and said "remember this?" he later explained he gave that ring to her, her mother and sister also. it was from the $1 store lol. he replied saying lets hang out whenever you want, baby. and then she tells him what days her husband is not working. I confronted him (i was not snooping through his phone, i was just using his phone and came across the messages) and got SO upset. he did too. he was just saying he is very close with the family and thats how they all are. I do trust him, and I did realize that she is the one that always initiates the text messages, not him. When she asked him if he was REALLY happy with me, he said Yes, I'm happy. I do trust him, but that one time when he called her "baby" in that text just got me so confused. For 3 days I was very distant and felt very confused.. on the 3rd day when we were laying in bed he started crying saying "I know myself and I am so happy with you, I want us to have kids and be together forever. There is no reason why I would even think about doing anything with anybody."...he even told me he has NOTHING to hide. he would delete the messages if he was doing something.. we really are perfect for each other. Everything HAS been perfect our whole relationship, but I am certain this woman is trying to have a FWB relationship kinda thing with my husband!

 

Because of this, I have been occasionally checking his phone to see if she has been contacting him (which btw her phone number is not saved) and I just noticed that she sent him a picture of himself at the diner, she took a picture of him and his brother and said "I miss you SOOOO much" with multiple hearts and a kissy face. he didn't reply to that text.

 

I don't want to confront him again about her because I DO trust him. Also, I don't want him to think that I don't trust him and that I'm going through his phone. He really says thats the way the whole family is, but this woman has a different vibe.

 

My husband works 80 hours a week. he has 1 day off, which we spend the whole day together. When he's not working, he's either home with me or we go out together, so I know that they are not going out..

 

Do I just sit back and silently watch this woman try to lure in my husband? What would you do in this situation?

 

I can understand being upset over that one text, but other than that it doesn't sound like your husband has done anything wrong. And that text could be interpreted as merely flirtatious, and nothing more. He doesn't have her number saved, he ignores her texts, she's 48 years old compared to you at 26, ...it doesn't add up to me where the jealousy is coming from.

 

How often does he see this woman that you are aware of? Once a month? Once a week? Less than that? How often are you around the both of them?

 

If he is as open with you as it sounds, you would know when they see each other and under what context.

 

 

If I were to get a kissy face text from a female friend I would probably do the same as your husband and ignore it.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I do trust him, 100%. But I also think that they may have had a fling 8 years ago when he was single and when she worked in the diner.

 

I do trust that he will make the decision, but at the same time, after being in a relationship before my husband (my only other relationship) for 4 years and being cheated on, i don't trust anyone but myself.

 

he hasn't replied to the last text message that she sent him (which was 3 days ago) so that tells me that he either doesn't care so he forgot to reply to her, or maybe he's seeing what she is trying to do.... i hate to say this, but i plan to occasionally keep checking his cell to see if she's still been texting him, and if she does, and he replies again... i will definitely bring this up to him and try to make him say something to her.

 

Or he replied, deleted the reply, but was forced to leave her text undelete because he knew you saw it and deleting it makes him look guilty.

 

Listen, I'm not trying to make you paranoid, but that is always an option.

[Fleur de cactus]

I think there is something going on between your husband and that woman!r something went on and the woman want to keep it. really? They are very close and that woman knows it that is why she never gives up. Your husband have to show more boundaries. He needs to learn that a married man does not use flirting language. The signs are there it is you who do not want to see them. Bla bla bla "I want to make sure you are happy"," are you sure she is not pregnant?" yes baby, I want to meet you, when my husband will not be around", my goodness.....

If you let him have that extra sugar aside, you may end up with STD. It is very odd situation and your husband explanation is not convincing . SOrry but you need to take some actions.

[minimariah]

What would you do in this situation?

 

this is what EYE would do --

 

i'd sit down with him & i'd tell him what bothers me, how & for what reason. i'd discuss it with him & i'd listen to his opinions and the way HE views the situation. i'd be sure to let him know how hard this entire situation is for me and how anxious it's making me. then i'd sit back and watch the way he chooses to deal with it.

 

if he decides to talk with this woman and tells her to back off because her messages and behavior ARE inappropriate -- we would move on.

 

if he, however, does nothing and decides to just stupidly ignore her messages...? yeah, i'm packing my sh*t, filing for divorce and looking for someone who will put ME and MY NEEDS 1st.

 

you don't trust him, you're afraid to talk to him because you're scared he'll think you don't trust him & he doesn't pay attention to your emotions because if he did -- he would straight up tell that woman that YOU come 1st and to back off.

 

all there is to it.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Unless you have more reasons to distrust your husband than you're sharing here, I think you're overreacting.

 

The assumptions are:

 

-he rarely sees her

-he rarely talks to her or texts her

-she recently sent a few texts to try to catch up, but it appears neither of them made enough effort for the plans to materialize

-she was flirty and he was flirty back in a handful of texts

-she has a jealous husband and may not be transparent in her own marriage.

 

Based on yoir description of their relatuonship, i just dont see a high risk for the two of them sleeping together anytime soon. Maybe they slept together in the past, but it doesnt seem like he has any interest to do so now.

 

I would not necessarly interpret her behaivior as being after him, either. The last point re: her marriage is the most concerning aspect to me, but I think we need more info to come to thw conclusion that she is truly after your husband. Its not like abusive relationships are that uncommon. Maybe her husband is the jealous controlling type. (Im not saying that would make it right for her to sneak arund, but could be a plausible explanation not involving her being after your husband.)

 

My experience with old friends is some level what looks like flitation may develop as habit. For example, i have a (gay) male friend from college, and we call each other baby all the time. It probably looks like flirtation to others, but in reality, an old inside joke. I think if she was really after your husband, she would amp her game way up. Late night calls as a lady in distress, deep discussions re: her unhappy marruage, that kunda thing. Kissy-faced texts are for tweens.

 

Im not saying their boundaries are appropruate, but based on the low risk level here, it would not concern me. I would try to get to know her better before coming to a final conclsuion. If she became a mutual friend vs. A friend of your husbands, their dynamic may naturally change.

 

I think women and men are capable of being great friends. In my experience, SO's frequently put an end to those friendships, as the couple sets "boundaries" by eliminating friends of the opposite sex. I dont think this always needs to be the case, tho. It is possible to readjust the ftiwndships to include all parties, so that no one is threatened. Thats what i would encourage you to try to do. To do so, you need to rely on positive reinforcement, not telling her off.

Edited June 10, 2015 by lucy_in_disguise