jacg89 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 My husband runs a diner for the past 12 years. Before I met him, like 8 years ago these 3 girls (a mother and 2 daughters) started working at the diner. They all became very close. They helped him learn english, apparently. Just last week we went to the mothers house for dinner. We got married last summer, and everybody showed up in that family, except the one woman who I believe is after him. She is a lot older than he is, married and with her own kids. (she's 48) husband is 32 and I am 26. When we were still dating, we went to the restaurant where she works and she seemed like just a friend. Right after we announced that we were getting married, she texts him and begs him to talk to her before he got married, wanted to make sure he was really happy, etc. After we got married, she texts him a picture of us together from the wedding saying, "are you really going to tell me she is not pregnant?!" because in that one picture it does kind of look like I was... WHY DOES SHE CARE?! In January, she texts him asking to hang out/catch up, also sending him a picture of an old $1 store mood changing ring that says "i love you" on it and said "remember this?" he later explained he gave that ring to her, her mother and sister also. it was from the $1 store lol. he replied saying lets hang out whenever you want, baby. and then she tells him what days her husband is not working. I confronted him (i was not snooping through his phone, i was just using his phone and came across the messages) and got SO upset. he did too. he was just saying he is very close with the family and thats how they all are. I do trust him, and I did realize that she is the one that always initiates the text messages, not him. When she asked him if he was REALLY happy with me, he said Yes, I'm happy. I do trust him, but that one time when he called her "baby" in that text just got me so confused. For 3 days I was very distant and felt very confused.. on the 3rd day when we were laying in bed he started crying saying "I know myself and I am so happy with you, I want us to have kids and be together forever. There is no reason why I would even think about doing anything with anybody."...he even told me he has NOTHING to hide. he would delete the messages if he was doing something.. we really are perfect for each other. Everything HAS been perfect our whole relationship, but I am certain this woman is trying to have a FWB relationship kinda thing with my husband! Because of this, I have been occasionally checking his phone to see if she has been contacting him (which btw her phone number is not saved) and I just noticed that she sent him a picture of himself at the diner, she took a picture of him and his brother and said "I miss you SOOOO much" with multiple hearts and a kissy face. he didn't reply to that text. I don't want to confront him again about her because I DO trust him. Also, I don't want him to think that I don't trust him and that I'm going through his phone. He really says thats the way the whole family is, but this woman has a different vibe. My husband works 80 hours a week. he has 1 day off, which we spend the whole day together. When he's not working, he's either home with me or we go out together, so I know that they are not going out.. Do I just sit back and silently watch this woman try to lure in my husband? What would you do in this situation?
Minnie09 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 You do nothing, except for telling him once that you find her behavior inappropriate, and that you expect him to communicate to her what the rules are and what the boundaries will look like from now on. It's his responsibility to straighten her out. Then watch and see what happens. He's old enough to know what is right and what is wrong. Let him deal with it. Don't act like his mom. He's a big boy. 4
alphamale Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Do I just sit back and silently watch this woman try to lure in my husband? What would you do in this situation? you have to nip this in the bud. talk to both of them
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Time for him to set up boundaries with her and keep her at distance. She isn't a 'friend' of the marriage, if anything, she's going to continue to cause problems. He may not be aware of his own behaviour and how he speaks to her and how it encourages her to continue flirting and acting inappropriately with him. I find it odd that she told him the days her husband won't be around. Hate to ask, though I assume you've thought about it too, are you 100% sure your husband goes to work all the hours he says he's there? They seem a bit too close for comfort and that's wrong seeing as he's married to you! He shouldn't be investing in someone else like that, flirting and texting. 5
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Look, the woman spends more time with your husband than you do at 80 hours per week...also they know him a lot better than you probably do, therefore feeling much closer and the boundaries are a lot looser. If I were you, I wouldn't forcefully try to cause some divide or rift between these relationships...in the bigger picture you are the new person, you are the "outsider"....yes, even as his "wife". Plus you're only 26, they're not going to take you that seriously anyway...just young love typically kind of thing. Even if your husband does sleep with her occasionally, or has in the past already...it's not likely to break up your marriage, he'll just get some sugar on the side while you stay home and raise the children, you'll still have your little white-picket-fence type of scenario here for yourself and it's likely to cause any real damage to your marriage overall...eventually they'll stop sleeping together and things will just go back to the way they always were, because you'd likely have not known the difference anyway. All in all, you'll have a pretty typical and normal marriage in the end...if anything, he might leave you for someone else later on down the road...when you're not so young anymore, for him she's kind of an "old lady", and she's got her own husband and kids. So she's not really ever going to "steal" him away, it's just for fun.
sandylee1 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Your H needs to tell her to stop the inappropriate texting. He needs to tell her that texting should be for business only from now on. How would he feel if a man messaged you like this? She wants a younger man to light her fire right now and unfortunately she's going after your H. I say this again - so many women lack boundaries with married men and have no self respect. I just don't hear of as many guys acting so inappropriately like this towards married women. I'd be very tempted to tell her H about it if I were you. I think he should know what his wife is doing. The minute she started texting your H like this she better believe there could be consequences for her inappropriate behaviour. 2
OldRover Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Agree, this thing has to be stopped now... not a "wait and see". Boundries set and all four husbands and wives should know the boundaries. Just mentioned when her husband isn't going to be home, is a recipe for an affair.... clearly. 1
Author jacg89 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 she doesn't work at that diner anymore. her and the 2 other girls stopped working there AT LEAST 6 years ago. they just remained in contact. so she does not spend more time with him than I do. I see that she always initiates the text messages, not him. I understand that she's never going to "steal" him from me, I just don't like what she is doing, and after that one text where he called her "baby" (that got me, i have no idea) I just feel like she's gotta get lost. My husband works at the diner with his brother. There are only like 3 kitchen employees there.. they can't just take off in the middle of their shift. The diner is only 2 blocks from our house, and I just know that he's not going out with her. about a year or so ago, I worked at the diner for a while and that is the schedule. Look, the woman spends more time with your husband than you do at 80 hours per week...also they know him a lot better than you probably do, therefore feeling much closer and the boundaries are a lot looser. If I were you, I wouldn't forcefully try to cause some divide or rift between these relationships...in the bigger picture you are the new person, you are the "outsider"....yes, even as his "wife". Plus you're only 26, they're not going to take you that seriously anyway...just young love typically kind of thing. Even if your husband does sleep with her occasionally, or has in the past already...it's not likely to break up your marriage, he'll just get some sugar on the side while you stay home and raise the children, you'll still have your little white-picket-fence type of scenario here for yourself and it's likely to cause any real damage to your marriage overall...eventually they'll stop sleeping together and things will just go back to the way they always were, because you'd likely have not known the difference anyway. All in all, you'll have a pretty typical and normal marriage in the end...if anything, he might leave you for someone else later on down the road...when you're not so young anymore, for him she's kind of an "old lady", and she's got her own husband and kids. So she's not really ever going to "steal" him away, it's just for fun.
Author jacg89 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 She only texted him 3 times since last July... and she's initiated all of the texts. Its not like they talk so much. and he doesn't delete his messages, so I guess he truly feels like he has nothing to hide. He's told me this is the way the family is, they're all really close with him, they REALLY ARE all close with him, but I just see a different vibe coming from this woman. He doesn't see it, or so he says.. Either way, I know they haven't hung out or done anything since we have been together... I don't know about before I met him, (like 8 years ago when they used to work in the diner...) he said that they used to go out for drinks once in a while and her husband was the jealous type, she couldn't hang out with another guy, etc.. so when she texted him her husbands days off I told my husband WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??! and he told me she doesn't want him to know because he's very jealous.... I don't know what to believe... I used to work at the diner with him... that IS his schedule. 80 hours per week. Its a small place, he works there with his brother and one other guy. they really can't just wonder off.. Time for him to set up boundaries with her and keep her at distance. She isn't a 'friend' of the marriage, if anything, she's going to continue to cause problems. He may not be aware of his own behaviour and how he speaks to her and how it encourages her to continue flirting and acting inappropriately with him. I find it odd that she told him the days her husband won't be around. Hate to ask, though I assume you've thought about it too, are you 100% sure your husband goes to work all the hours he says he's there? They seem a bit too close for comfort and that's wrong seeing as he's married to you! He shouldn't be investing in someone else like that, flirting and texting.
Author jacg89 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 So do I call or text her and tell her that I think that what she is doing is inappropriate? She'll just say they have been friends forever! If I do that my husband will think that I'm snooping through his phone and think that I do not trust him... My husband & I are in love as ever right now, and I do trust him! But if he ever makes plans to go out with her, I will find out and, I don't know if she'll seduce him. I don't know what kind of relationship they used to have before I met him.. (8 years ago when she started working at diner. she doesn't work there anymore.)
pteromom Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 He needs to reply to that "i miss you/kissy face" message and let her know that it really isn't appropriate to send him kissy faces. It is HIS responsibility to maintain appropriate boundaries here, rather than not respond and leave her assuming it is ok to send those kind of messages. 3
pteromom Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 So do I call or text her and tell her that I think that what she is doing is inappropriate? She'll just say they have been friends forever! NO!!!!!!!!!!! That just makes you look insecure, and like there is a crack in your marriage. She will just laugh at the power she has over you. This is your husband's mess to fix. 5
Author jacg89 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 NO!!!!!!!!!!! That just makes you look insecure, and like there is a crack in your marriage. She will just laugh at the power she has over you. This is your husband's mess to fix. I know that I should not do this... But my husband does not think there is a mess. They're just friends. I guess if I notice he replies to that text (he never replied to her text a few days ago..i didn't check to see if he sent her a late reply) and if I see that she is still texting him, I will confront him again and tell him how I feel (again).
pteromom Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I know that I should not do this... But my husband does not think there is a mess. They're just friends. I guess if I notice he replies to that text (he never replied to her text a few days ago..i didn't check to see if he sent her a late reply) and if I see that she is still texting him, I will confront him again and tell him how I feel (again). That's fine. He doesn't need to agree with you. Tell him "I see she sent you a text that she misses you with kissy faces. I know she is your friend and you don't see anything wrong with it, but it hurts me, and it makes me feel like I need to defend our relationship and like she thinks she can pursue my husband. Can you please just message her back and tell her that it isn't appropriate to send kissy faces, or block her, or do something to stop this behavior from her?" Don't just tell him how you feel. Get him to agree to SOME type of action on his part. 1
Author jacg89 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 That's fine. He doesn't need to agree with you. Tell him "I see she sent you a text that she misses you with kissy faces. I know she is your friend and you don't see anything wrong with it, but it hurts me, and it makes me feel like I need to defend our relationship and like she thinks she can pursue my husband. Can you please just message her back and tell her that it isn't appropriate to send kissy faces, or block her, or do something to stop this behavior from her?" Don't just tell him how you feel. Get him to agree to SOME type of action on his part. Thank you
Author jacg89 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 I can also reply to her via his cell phone and she'll think its coming from him..
Author jacg89 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 Hey, I can even send her a reply via my husbands cell and she'll think that its coming from him.. I would be more assertive anyway. lol
Author jacg89 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 Thank you I can even text her back via his cell phone and she'll think that its coming from him haha I would be more assertive anyway.
pteromom Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I can even text her back via his cell phone and she'll think that its coming from him haha I would be more assertive anyway. The problem with that is it is betraying your husband's trust. And it makes you look a little crazy. When she texts him back "What is this about?" or CALLS him, and he sees that message and knows who wrote it, he's gonna be pissed. And when he apologizes to her for his wife's message, YOU are going to be pissed. I wouldn't. 2
MuddyRock Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I think the jelous husband is a red flag. I think he is not jelous but sees her inappropriate boundaries and flirting and won't have it. I think the key to roping her in may be to talk with her husband and tell him what you think. She is willing to deceive her husband, lie to him when hanging out with your husband. This is not someone you want around your husband. It's not ok for a man and women to hang out without you. Why don't you ask your husband to reply with "yes let's make a time for you to hang out with me and my wife". Very simple way to adress boundaries without being controlling. 2
sandylee1 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 ^^^^ Yes. It would be interesting to see if she still wants to hang out with you there. Ugh these crazy women annoy me. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I understand that she's never going to "steal" him from me, I just don't like what she is doing, and after that one text where he called her "baby" (that got me, i have no idea) I just feel like she's gotta get lost. I think there's A LOT more to his past with her than he's told you. A lot more. Methinks he and the older woman had a thing going at one time. At first I thought it was a bit ridiculous as she's 48 and he's so much younger and assumed it was more like a mother/son thing. But after you mentioned HIS 'baby' comment to her (ewww), that changed everything. These two have a sexual past. You can BANK on it. 3
Lois_Griffin Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I don't know what kind of relationship they used to have before I met him.. (8 years ago when she started working at diner. she doesn't work there anymore.) Oh....I think deep down, you do. 2
Lois_Griffin Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I don't see her as crazy at all. He's clearly encouraging her by telling her, "lets hang out whenever you want, baby." 2
tinalooks808 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 I have one question for you- do you trust him? I'm only asking because if you do, it won't matter if women throw themselves at him, you know he will make the right decision.
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