DC77 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I've been dating this man for about 5 months now and we had our first real fight yesterday. It was one part my bad sportsmanship and one part his lack of when to turn his mouth off. It was silly really. We were racing go karts. He came in 1st. I came in last. Not just to him, but to everyone! That everyone part was the tough pill. His mouth started running, and did. Not. Stop. I had to finally tell him that it was too much he needed to stop. Eventually he did. Then he was mad at me I was mad at him... Now the tough part. When it comes to communication, he just shuts down. After the moment had past, and we lunched, and we were home, I asked him if everything was alright if we could clear the air. And he burst out that I was really pissing him off. So we got into another spat. He is not easy to talk to because he shuts down. But I told him look, I'm clearly pissing you off and you've definitely pissed me off. I want to make it better but it's not like you come with a manual or I've been with you long enough to know what to do here so we can move forward. He said, just be you. And then we didn't speak for about an hour. Then he just came over to me gave me a hug and rest his head on my shoulder. I said thank you. Then he packed and I took a nap. I know he's trying and I know neither of us are perfect. But I felt so exhausted yesterday. I'm the type of communicator that wants to get it out and dealt with and move on. He is not. He was difficult to approach, defensive, and distant in the short term but he eventually processed and made subtle efforts to make it better. But by that time, I was shutting down. Then doubt started in. And fear. And by the time he was happy go lucky kissing me goodbye at the airport, I just wanted to run. He is 35, military, and has never had a lasting relationship. I'm in my 30s, had an unhealthy relationship for many years and have been out of it for 5 years. We both want to be a WE but maybe just don't know how. And seem to be stumbling through this. There will inevitably be more fights. What is some advice for getting through the fights and working as a WE? Thoughts? Experiences?
smackie9 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 There is a reason why he hasn't been able to have a lasting relationship. Think about it. You are wanting to run because you are dating the same type of guy.....abusive, poor communicator. You can't fix him, there will be no way for you to "learn" to communicate with him in order to stop this behavior. You are falling into that same pattern you had with your ex.....always trying to fix him. Like it's your job to make things better. See what I'm talking about? He needs therapy with a professional, but only if he can admit he does have a problem and that he needs help. This is your only hope. If therapy is out, then I would recommend you get out of this relationship. It's already turned abusive, he has already displayed that he has an arrogant/dickhead personality/lacks control. 1
smackie9 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I have had been in an abusive relationship so I speak from experience, and I see the pattern already in your post. You fight, he turns it on you, gives you affection, says it won't happen again.....then the cycle happens again. For your own sake I hope you do get out of this relationship and meet someone who is stable,compassionate, and respectful.
katiegrl Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 What I don't get is what was he so mad about..and running his mouth about in the first place? Because you came in last? Can you clarify?
Author DC77 Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 Smackie. Though I appreciate and welcome opinions of different light I think you're assessment is quite dramatic and off the mark. And a bit projecting of your own experiences...He is not being abusive. He is not making false promises. I am not trying to "fix" him. He has not had a lasting relationship because he has dedicated his life to the military and this country. He does have issues communicating because he did not have the luxury of being exposed to social graces and maturing like the rest of us. I do not see him as a trainwreck. He is not abusive. He is just a little behind the curve with social maturity. He is a good man with honor and integrity that a lot of normal men just don't have... He was mad because he had made me mad. We're both competitive people. What he thought was fun and jesting trash talking, which would likely be very common around his comrades, doesn't work the same in a relationship. I was sensitive and it was too much. He pushed a boundary. I had to ask him to stop. For him it was probably like being scolded and that I couldn't take a joke. I'm not sure he understands the line between girlfriend and combat buddy, and because of this, I try not to take it personally. It was not an abusive or personal attack. Just enough to piss me off. I am not trying to make excuses. I am not suppressed in this relationship. Just frustrated in our differences in communication abilities and interested in advice that is helpful.
katiegrl Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 (edited) DC...now that he has had time to cool off...it is the time to discuss how his shutting down made you feel. Not in an accusatory or critical way...simply tell him when he shuts down like that it causes YOU to shut down.. and being a sensitive person...it is hard to shake. I know it is not uncommon for some men to shut down, pull away when they are angry. My bf is the same way. I just allow him to do this...and know that once he calms down, he will come back...and THAT is when we talk. I don't take it personally...that is just how he deals. I also think it is important to remind him that the way he speaks/ jokes with his comrades is not an appropriate or respectful way to speak with your girlfriend. Again when you tell him this, don't accuse him of being an insensitive jerk...just tell him calmly how him speaking to you that way made you feel. Like...instead of saying, "YOU were insensitive, disrespectful," say "I felt disrespected when you spoke to me that way.". Stay calm, respectful of HIM when you say this. He just doesn't know or appreciate appropriate boundaries...you have to teach him. Try not to lecture.. keep it an open, free flowing conversation and allow him to express what bugs/hurts him too. Start with that. Hope that helped.. Edited June 7, 2015 by katiegrl
ExpatInItaly Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Smackie. Though I appreciate and welcome opinions of different light I think you're assessment is quite dramatic and off the mark. And a bit projecting of your own experiences...He is not being abusive. He is not making false promises. I am not trying to "fix" him. He has not had a lasting relationship because he has dedicated his life to the military and this country. He does have issues communicating because he did not have the luxury of being exposed to social graces and maturing like the rest of us. I do not see him as a trainwreck. He is not abusive. He is just a little behind the curve with social maturity. He is a good man with honor and integrity that a lot of normal men just don't have... He was mad because he had made me mad. We're both competitive people. What he thought was fun and jesting trash talking, which would likely be very common around his comrades, doesn't work the same in a relationship. I was sensitive and it was too much. He pushed a boundary. I had to ask him to stop. For him it was probably like being scolded and that I couldn't take a joke. I'm not sure he understands the line between girlfriend and combat buddy, and because of this, I try not to take it personally. It was not an abusive or personal attack. Just enough to piss me off. I am not trying to make excuses. I am not suppressed in this relationship. Just frustrated in our differences in communication abilities and interested in advice that is helpful. OP, I agree with your assessment here. I have also been in an abusive relationship but I don't get that your current guy is abusive, based on your description of this event. Lacking in communication skills, perhaps, but I don't see abuse. And I also didn't get that you're trying to "fix" him, but rather look for a way to reach a comfortable compromise. Maybe consider the words you were using to talk to each other, and how the other could have misinterpreted. What exactly was he saying to you after you'd lost this race, and what exactly did you say to him to get him to stop?
mike_89 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 There is a reason ... arrogant/dickhead personality/lacks control. I really do not understand how you come to these conclusions. The guy seems perfectly fine to me, just a bit of a hotshot when it comes to games/competitions like 50% of all men out there. OP, I think he just needs some space, like a minute or 10 by himself, when you make him angry. When he is angry I believe your presence around him will keep him angry but if you just let him be for a short while he will turn around and then you might be able to have a better conversation. If he is not the communicative type a conversation will likely not work out that great while he is angry, because on one hand he has to do something that is difficult for him (speaking about his emotions) and on the other hand he has to keep his anger in control. 1
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 The communication issue is a big thing. I absolutely cannot take it when people shut down. Nothing ever is resolved. There are lingering issues beneath the surface that creep up all the time. You end up having the same argument over and over and over. I can tell you from experience that, if they refuse to work on that, things will not get any better. If he is 35 and hasn't improved on that yet, the chances of him developing good communication skills are pretty slim. 3
Author DC77 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 Thanks All. Mike, on the nose. Speaking about his emotions is VERY difficult for him. I know space is important and you're right that is probably the best approach. Yesterday we were kind of on a clock though and I may have been a little anxious to deal with the situation before he left for 2 weeks. As we get to know each other, hopefully we can find a balance. We're still getting to know each other... AK, even though he shuts down, he is receptive. The conversation was rough and short, but he got it. The air was cleared. By the end of the night he was making jokes and thanked me for letting him win. He is genuinely trying and I have faith in him. I just need patience with him. Expat, I'll admit yes my phrasing could have used some work. He pushed a button and I lost my patience. We are both works in progress I suppose.
candie13 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 well, girl, there is no secret receipt. talk some more. fight some more. talk some more after that. unfortunately, it is very very important to learn to fight in a constructive way. There will always be friction, if there is love and attraction. Something will rub you off the wrong way, Most important thing is to keep communicating and not to take it personal. Face your own fears and communicate them to your partner. Repeat over and over again. Make him talk. Keep your temper. Show patience. Talk instead of scream. Make efforts to understand him and ask him to make efforts to understand you. I've had our first huge fight around the 5th month. He got defensive, I got defensive and you know where it took us? Nowhere. We broke up. Compatibility in fighting style is just as important as compatibility on the other levels - emotional, physical, psychological. If you guys get the knack of this one, you're gonna last. big lesson ahead, the first big fight usually is the measure of how strong the relationship really is. none of you two bailed out, both of you are still breathing, I think you're doing fine, hahaha ! 1
Recommended Posts