Aurora_227 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Hello! My post may seem a little silly, but I went through a breakup recently and I'm overanalyzing everything... Long story short, I dated a wonderful guy for a little over a year. I was his first girlfriend but I had dated before (we are both in our early twenties). Early on in our relationship I expressed concerns about getting pregnant which he totally understood. In fact, he even started buying condoms for us to use when we were fooling around (handjobs, etc.). Side note, we were/are both virgins. Halfway through the relationship I told him I was having thoughts about wanting us to have sex, but he never really pressed for it. During the breakup I asked him if it was because we didn't have sex, but he told me that he had decided at some point not to have sex because we were missing a connection/a spark. I know sometimes he felt like I wasn't physical/cuddly enough for him, but even a few weeks before we broke up we were very intimate, and actually, didn't use a condom for fooling around during that time or several other times. We ended up breaking up because he felt that we were missing the spark. It was awful, and he was crying incredibly hard when he ended it. I actually even had to comfort him. He said he just didn't see a future with us. I guess what I'm getting at is...do you think my original fear of getting pregnant was silly and it hurt our relationship? We fooled around a lot during our relationship but I know sometimes he felt like it still wasn't enough. Or do you think it was just genuinely he didn't feel the spark? Judging by his reaction (the crying, him reaching out to me post-breakup to talk, etc.) I think it was just the spark...but I think I'm in the self-blame game stage. Thanks for your input!
DexterLS Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 It doesn't matter why he did what he did. Please stop blaming yourself for this and learn from the experience. I know it's hard to move on and to forget about it. I know you will question many things as to why this happened but at the end of the day, it doesn't look like he is coming back. Most importantly, I hope you have already initiated NC and you are sticking by it. All the best.
Author Aurora_227 Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 It doesn't matter why he did what he did. Please stop blaming yourself for this and learn from the experience. I know it's hard to move on and to forget about it. I know you will question many things as to why this happened but at the end of the day, it doesn't look like he is coming back. Most importantly, I hope you have already initiated NC and you are sticking by it. All the best. Thank you so much...I needed to hear that. I know he still cares about me, but not in the "I want to be with you kind of way." I did initiate NC because I wasn't ready to talk like we were friends, which is what he wanted. A week after I asked for NC he messaged me again. Needless to say I had to tell him I still wasn't ready. He said he understood and that if I was ever ready to talk again, to let him know. I think it's very easy to try and place blame on myself because I was the one that got dumped...but I know, in general, that both of us didn't handle things perfectly in our relationship and even after the breakup. I also know he didn't want to end it, which is somewhat comforting. I'll trust that he knew it was for the best and work on not blaming myself. Thank you for responding.
DexterLS Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Thank you so much...I needed to hear that. I know he still cares about me, but not in the "I want to be with you kind of way." I did initiate NC because I wasn't ready to talk like we were friends, which is what he wanted. A week after I asked for NC he messaged me again. Needless to say I had to tell him I still wasn't ready. He said he understood and that if I was ever ready to talk again, to let him know. I think it's very easy to try and place blame on myself because I was the one that got dumped...but I know, in general, that both of us didn't handle things perfectly in our relationship and even after the breakup. I also know he didn't want to end it, which is somewhat comforting. I'll trust that he knew it was for the best and work on not blaming myself. Thank you for responding. You're welcome. Little backstory of mine if it brings you any comfort: My girlfriend of 6/7 years cheated on me and is still with the other guy. Her friends told me things I wished I didn't hear. I questioned myself for two months as to why she chose the other guy over me but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. I know what I am worth. I know what I deserve in life and I hope you do too. All the best.
StalwartMind Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 No matter the actual reason, you should attempt to not think about it too much. It very well could of been him feeling a lack of connection, or simply due to inexperience and/or personal issues. Even if you are adults now, it still wasn't that long ago you were teens and everything can still be rather fragile at this age. It honestly can be at all stages of life, but typically people gain more composure as they age. While it may seem bittersweet and depending on how you actually feel about all of it (the breakup), try to treasure the moments and fun you did have regardless if it ended. I know this can be difficult for those who are heart broken, but eventually the entire experience will manifest into who you are. It may not be much comfort but another guy may of enjoyed similar and even seen your relationship develop into something more later. Overall we could end up speculating and over analyzing everything in life if we really wanted to. As you can imagine that would become rather time consuming, and while it may not satisfy your inner craving to understand, it can give you more peace when you learn to accept and let go of something.
ravfour4 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 No, it definitely wasn't your fault. Who uses a condom for HJs anyways? I hate using them period lol. It sounds like he had a handful of issues, none of which were your fault, don't blame yourself.
Author Aurora_227 Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 You're welcome. Little backstory of mine if it brings you any comfort: My girlfriend of 6/7 years cheated on me and is still with the other guy. Her friends told me things I wished I didn't hear. I questioned myself for two months as to why she chose the other guy over me but at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. I know what I am worth. I know what I deserve in life and I hope you do too. All the best. Yikes...I'm very sorry that that happened to you. I'm glad that you came to the conclusion that you know what you deserve - and that is not someone who will cheat on you. I wish you the best as well!
Author Aurora_227 Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 No, it definitely wasn't your fault. Who uses a condom for HJs anyways? I hate using them period lol. It sounds like he had a handful of issues, none of which were your fault, don't blame yourself. Well, he was doing it for my peace of mind haha. It was a nice gesture. But yes, I think he did have some growing up to do, and thinking back he did have some other things going on (fear of commitment, wanted to have every detail of his life planned out, etc.). I think he has some learning and growing to do, as we all do. Thank you for responding and for the support!
Author Aurora_227 Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 No matter the actual reason, you should attempt to not think about it too much. It very well could of been him feeling a lack of connection, or simply due to inexperience and/or personal issues. Even if you are adults now, it still wasn't that long ago you were teens and everything can still be rather fragile at this age. It honestly can be at all stages of life, but typically people gain more composure as they age. While it may seem bittersweet and depending on how you actually feel about all of it (the breakup), try to treasure the moments and fun you did have regardless if it ended. I know this can be difficult for those who are heart broken, but eventually the entire experience will manifest into who you are. It may not be much comfort but another guy may of enjoyed similar and even seen your relationship develop into something more later. Overall we could end up speculating and over analyzing everything in life if we really wanted to. As you can imagine that would become rather time consuming, and while it may not satisfy your inner craving to understand, it can give you more peace when you learn to accept and let go of something. Thank you...I needed this. I will try to view it in a more positive light. Since the breakup, I have generally been positive - it's just when the weak moments strike that I get upset, feel guilty, or analyze too much. I'll try not to do that as much. I do feel like he has some personal growing to do as well (others around us agree and think he isn't entirely sure what he wants), so it is best to let him go and do that. Same goes for me. Thank you for the support!
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