gettingstronger Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 So- quick back story- 2.5 years past dday-things are pretty good, sometimes really good- husband has always traveled-affair was while on the road- We have had two major moves for his career-been here 11 years which is the longest in one place- I love it here, I have built a life here-older son in college here-younger son will be a Junior in High School- this is home- My husband was offered a major promotion, yeah, well, no- it would involve a move to a very unfun part of the country- there are lots of reasons to go and lots of reasons not to for us as a family- I mentioned that I did not want to give up my life again and move for his career, that at this point in our relationship it just seemed so risky to me- I know that is selfish, but I have never really been selfish before but the "new me" really puts a lot of stock in what is best for me for a change- My husband thinks that maybe it means I am not all in- I think I can be all in but still want/need to protect myself- I fully admit, before the affair-it would have been a no-brainer- we would have been gone-yesterday- Your thoughts- similar experiences- anything? 1
RoseVille Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Even if your M was perfect, I wouldn't go until your oldest finishes high school. I'd have H be a road warrior for two years, and then you could decide whether he comes back for good or you join him. 2
BetrayedH Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 My quick $.02 Small bump. I don't think it's that you're not "all in." Well, maybe that's not entirely true. In my experience, many of us BSs had blind trust before the affair. Some may say we were naive. Now our eyes are opened to the reality that marriage isn't necessarily as permanent as we thought. I don't think it's about you, or your husband, or your marriage. I just think it's a lesson you can't unlearn. And no offense intended towards your H, but he's the one that taught you that lesson. In my view, it's not the end of the world. Having blind trust probably wasn't the healthiest maneuver. As for the move itself, I think it's a normal and difficult marital negotiation. Personally, I'd probably try to remove the affair from the equation. Start thinking in terms of advantages and disadvantages for everyone involved. 4
Author gettingstronger Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 yep- I offered that up- that would somewhat negate the increase in pay-its a bummer its not a place we would ever consider retiring because if it were we could have that 3rd place be a retirement option- My younger son would not be opposed to moving because hes a football freak and football is huge there- he would rather us be an intact family than a commuter one- my husband is already gone too much- I think what this has revealed is the difference between my husband and I in terms of reconciliation- he feels like if I am still hesitant to move it means I still have doubts- which I do and probably will for life- I don't trust forever like I did before- he acknowledges that is his doing and its not a deal breaker for him- it just surprised him- 1
Author gettingstronger Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 My quick $.02 Small bump. I don't think it's that you're not "all in." Well, maybe that's not entirely true. In my experience, many of us BSs had blind trust before the affair. Some may say we were naive. Now our eyes are opened to the reality that marriage isn't necessarily as permanent as we thought. I don't think it's about you, or your husband, or your marriage. I just think it's a lesson you can't unlearn. And no offense intended towards your H, but he's the one that taught you that lesson. In my view, it's not the end of the world. Having blind trust probably wasn't the healthiest maneuver. As for the move itself, I think it's a normal and difficult marital negotiation. Personally, I'd probably try to remove the affair from the equation. Start thinking in terms of advantages and disadvantages for everyone involved. You and I were typing almost the same thing at the same time- that is it EXACTLY- its odd to me that it caught him off guard that I feel this way- to me, I think-how could I not- once bitten twice shy I guess- 1
Lois_Griffin Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 So- quick back story- 2.5 years past dday-things are pretty good, sometimes really good- husband has always traveled-affair was while on the road- We have had two major moves for his career-been here 11 years which is the longest in one place- I love it here, I have built a life here-older son in college here-younger son will be a Junior in High School- this is home- My husband was offered a major promotion, yeah, well, no- it would involve a move to a very unfun part of the country- there are lots of reasons to go and lots of reasons not to for us as a family- I mentioned that I did not want to give up my life again and move for his career, that at this point in our relationship it just seemed so risky to me- I know that is selfish, but I have never really been selfish before but the "new me" really puts a lot of stock in what is best for me for a change- My husband thinks that maybe it means I am not all in- I think I can be all in but still want/need to protect myself- I fully admit, before the affair-it would have been a no-brainer- we would have been gone-yesterday- Your thoughts- similar experiences- anything? Well, you've made quite a few life-altering sacrifices in order for him to further his career. Sounds as though it was a thankless job in the end, because he still chose to cheat on you. This guy is a Class-A hypocrite, claiming that perhaps you're 'not all in" - because HE sure wasn't 'all in' a few years ago. He's incredibly selfish (obviously) and seems to be way too self-involved, wanting what he wants and everyone else is just expected to adjust. Like you said, a few years ago you would have blindly followed him without question. Now, you know better. No, it's not selfish to not want to move this time. Jesus, you've done it enough. Why should you all live somewhere unpleasant just to once AGAIN support him while you're all scrambling to start your lives all over again for the umpteenth time? You made a sacrifice by staying with a cheater. Now it's HIS turn to sacrifice for a HUGE change.
velvette Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 So- quick back story- 2.5 years past dday-things are pretty good, sometimes really good- husband has always traveled-affair was while on the road- We have had two major moves for his career-been here 11 years which is the longest in one place- I love it here, I have built a life here-older son in college here-younger son will be a Junior in High School- this is home- My husband was offered a major promotion, yeah, well, no- it would involve a move to a very unfun part of the country- there are lots of reasons to go and lots of reasons not to for us as a family- I mentioned that I did not want to give up my life again and move for his career, that at this point in our relationship it just seemed so risky to me- I know that is selfish, but I have never really been selfish before but the "new me" really puts a lot of stock in what is best for me for a change- My husband thinks that maybe it means I am not all in- I think I can be all in but still want/need to protect myself- I fully admit, before the affair-it would have been a no-brainer- we would have been gone-yesterday- Your thoughts- similar experiences- anything? Moving is a huge stress up there with death and divorce even if you are moving because you want to. Are both of you and your marriage up to this stress only 2.5 years after infidelity? BTW I think your thoughts are normal and I wouldn't find them abnormal even if there had been no infidelity. Having a back up plan is smart. Your support system that you have built is not only your current life but also your backup plan should your M end for whatever reason. I would think about the worst case of moving and the marriage failing. How easy is it for you to create a new support system. Particularly with your H, you have mentioned his ego drive/needs tied up with his A numerous times. Is this promotion really that necessary/desireable or is it simply a substitute for the A in meeting his ego needs that perhaps he would be better off redirecting. Sometimes promotions don't work out and at the top levels you can be walking into a hornets nest. What will happen then? Is the extra money/success worth it? I understand the drive to keep moving up, but sometimes its better to know when to stop and appreciate what you have. From what you have said, it seems like you have more than enough, in fact so much your H wasn't happy. Seems like he needs to refocus his priorities, because one thing I can guarantee you is that for most people career success and money(so long as you have enough) decline rapidly in value or importance the day you end that career. Finally, as a compromise, is this something that can be delayed without derailing future opportunities. He has one of the more acceptable reasons....a kid needing to finish high school.....to turn down a promotion without repercussion. 2
Redheaded Mistress Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 It's been 2.5 years since the affair. It's time to start making decisions that don't involve you referring back to the affair. When you take somebody back after an affair and work on forgiveness and trust, both parties actually have to work on both. Forgiveness almost 3 years later doesn't include "I don't want to move because I'm having a selfish phase because you had an affair." Hence his very understandable belief that you're not "all in." Sit down with him and make the decision to go or not go together without referring to the affair. You can throw "I don't want to" in there as a reason, but not the overriding reason, "me" phase or not. In a marriage, there's no room for a "me" phase, as you found out when your husband went through one. If you're staying, it's not "you" and "me," it's "us" and "we." 2
Minnie09 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Well, it certainly depends on the money and how much you both want it/need it. I think after all he has put you through, affair and moving included, it is quite selfish of him to uproot the whole family, again, while one kid is still in high school (and will be done soon.....regardless of what the son wants, and whether or not football is big in the new area......not his choice.......he's still a kid, and if his current school is good for him, don't switch!)........Especially if that new area is not the place that YOU really want to go to anyways. I would be pissed if my ex cheater said that I am not "all in" (WHAT????), just because he comes up with an idea and expects me to throw everything away for his career choice. Not cool. After all, you've forgiven him a major misstep. Or two. Not all in?? Puleeeeeezzzzz. Do you trust him enough to just have a weekend relationship for the time being? That would actually be a good test in order to determine whether or not you have come to terms with his past infidelity. You don't have to live together full-time in order to be a family, you know. Many people commute. Many people work out-of-state. Many people travel a lot for work. That's what modern society is all about. Maybe you could try that for a while, if he really wants to take that next career step. I would probably support him, because people do what they do anyways, cheating included, and if he lives far away from you during the work week, then you guys will see if you are REALLY able to trust one another (esp. you him), and if he is able to live a decent life without cheating. Because there won't be any "supervision" on your part. It'll be a good test, and if you pass, I think you're on the right track, and you'll then be able to decide where you really want to live later on, or after retirement. There might be another and another career change. And in the meantime, you can enjoy a higher income (I'm assuming). 1
Zenstudent Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I agree. No need to refer to the affair, and the me-phase shouldn't be a phase. Just tell him that you're happy where you are, so the answer is no. And if he want to move that's ok too, you can understand that, and you can file together tomorrow. 1
Minnie09 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I agree. No need to refer to the affair, and the me-phase shouldn't be a phase. Just tell him that you're happy where you are, so the answer is no. And if he want to move that's ok too, you can understand that, and you can file together tomorrow. Why file, if "not moving" hasn't been explicitly precluded as an option? 1
minimariah Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 i wouldn't move if i were you, to be honest. then again... it is a MAJOR promotion which means better life for your kids...? 2
Zenstudent Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Why file, if "not moving" hasn't been explicitly precluded as an option? Because it's important to acknowledge his needs and wants as well, otherwise he'll just build resentment. 2
minimariah Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Because it's important to acknowledge his needs and wants as well, otherwise he'll just build resentment. i agree with this. OP has to think of them like a team. 1
Author gettingstronger Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 All awesome points and I appreciate everyone that takes their time to respond! Today when we talked, he said how awful he feels that his actions have changed me from the trusting, happy go lucky person to someone much more jaded. It was nice that he understood that effect on me. I think the post that really resonates with me is the concept of enough. When in life do you decide you have enough in the more material sense and put that aside for things a bit deeper. The twist, my father is quite successful. On some level my husband seems drive to provide that type of life. The ironic thing, all I really wanted was love, honesty and integrity. That's what turns me on. My husband was a carpenter when we started dating. My previous boyfriend was a doctor. Go figure. Keep it coming. You all are a huge help!
Noirek Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I honestly thing you would be facing this exact same thing regardless of his A or not. You've moved for him before and you don't want to now because your prejudice against the area and you like your life where it is. The first is not a good reason. No place is unfun and I'm sure the people who love it there and call it home make it fun for themselves. But the second is a very valid reason not to move. 11 years is a long time to build a life in one area. This is a hard call, affair or no. You move and you may build resentment (even if there had been no affair) or you stay and he builds resentment. But I really do agree with others that you take the A out of the situation. My husband and I were at mildly cross purposes once over location. I wanted to move and start a new life somewhere else (when we were first married) and he wanted to stay where it was safe and close to family. We discussed it at length and never argued. In the end he won me over to staying by bribery... I got my dream place right here and it was out of his element (countrey home). There was no pressing job though so we could take our time talking it through. If he decided he wanted to move now I'd probably still be up for it. But I have no resentment for staying and have accepted this is my forever home. 1
Author gettingstronger Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 The area would be unfun for both of us. We are skiers, it's flat, flat, flat. We are progressive, it's conservative. We live in the top ranked place to live in the country, the other place is near the bottom. Even the people that live there ranked it pretty low. . But I totally get what you're saying. And yes, I'm a granola eating, ski bum kind of girl. I also know that up until the affair I had the luxury of being overly optimistic about life because I was born in to lucky circumstances. The taste of reality has been a bitter pill for me, for sure.
elaine567 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 If you do not move as a family does it mean he takes the job anyway and travels back and forth? - cheating possibilities - opportunties. If he doesn't take the job, does it basically mean he is stuck on that rung of the ladder? Career can be very important to some men and if you are unwilling to/won't move, now/ever then that may seem to him that he is stuck where he is, and if son is leaving high school and probably home soon anyway your husband's commitment to you may take a hard knock. He will no longer need to be staying "for the children" and if you are not "on side", then what is more important? You or the job. I know he is the cheater and is NOT allowed to dictate terms nor threaten, but he is still a man and by you essentially scuppering his career, then he may see that as an act of aggression and retaliate accordingly. If you are NOT "all in", then I guess his loyalty to you may falter. That may mean he cheats again or he may decide his career is just more important, than staying with a non supportive wife. I know you have the moral high ground here, but can you dictate his career? I do not know, it depends very much on how he views this. Think about all the possibilities very carefully before shutting the door here, you may be shutting the door on more than just his job. 1
Zenstudent Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 No one told her to dictate anything. If he insists on pursuing his career, he's free to do so, I guess. Why do you believe that her has the right to dictate her place of living under the threat, spoken or unspoken, of cheating again? 2
Author gettingstronger Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 Thanks Elaine. For me, it's impossible to eliminate the opportunities to cheat, what I strive for is eliminating the desire to do so. To answer some of the detail questions. I wouldn't be opposed to a commuter marriage, he already travels a ton. He doesn't want that. On some level he is probably not as secure about me as he once was. Turning it down would have some impact on his career of course, but everyone knows it's not an ideal time or place for us as a family.
elaine567 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 No one told her to dictate anything. If he insists on pursuing his career, he's free to do so, I guess. Why do you believe that her has the right to dictate her place of living under the threat, spoken or unspoken, of cheating again? He doesn't, but that doesn't mean he won't do it. What is morally right and what happens can be two different things IRL. 1
Author gettingstronger Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 For the record, this is not a deal breaker. He has made no demands at all. It's a discussion at this point. Who knows if it becomes more as we move forward and the pressure builds from work. 1
Zenstudent Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 He doesn't, but that doesn't mean he won't do it. What is morally right and what happens can be two different things IRL. So, in your opinion, each time there's a difference in opinions, OP must fold to avoid that he cheats again? Sounds like an unbalanced relationship to me. 1
Author gettingstronger Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 So, in your opinion, each time there's a difference in opinions, OP must fold to avoid that he cheats again? Sounds like an unbalanced relationship to me. Exactly. Like I said, you can never eliminate the reasons or avenues, it's the desire to cheat that needs to be eliminated. I do believe we are there. It's been a painful road for him in terms of understanding his cheaters mindset. 1
Minnie09 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Exactly. Like I said, you can never eliminate the reasons or avenues, it's the desire to cheat that needs to be eliminated. I do believe we are there. It's been a painful road for him in terms of understanding his cheaters mindset. That's why I suggested living apart during the work week.......if he doesn't want to do that, and you won't move for the sake of his career, then there won't be a compromise in terms of location, it is either here or there, and one of you has to give in. 1
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