At what point do you break NC to tell your ex to stop contacting you, if at all?

[aloneinaz]

This is a really enlightening discussion; I can see the merits of both sides, one saying to respond requesting no further contact, and the other saying not to respond.

 

I had an ex who in 2007 broke up with me abruptly, and after several times of my begging and pleading and asking for answers, he finally wrote me a very cold email that ended with, "I'm sorry that I need to say this, but I request that you stop contacting me." It really floored me. I simply could not understand why he was so cold. And I felt indignant, because I had done nothing to deserve such coldness. Perhaps I shouldn't have begged and pleaded, but I didn't know better, and I just felt so blindsided because he was such a terrible communicator and I had no clue he was ready to be done with the relationship. I felt there was a much more compassionate way he could have treated me. And in all honesty, the cold way he ended things still hurts me to this day. In all, it's a painful memory.

 

A year and a half or so after sending me that severing email, he called me. I saw his number on my caller ID and was too stunned and afraid to pick up. I'd been so hurt for so long and FINALLY had started to heal, and even though he had left a message asking me please to call him, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Even if I could have, I was further prevented by a major psychosomatic migraine lasting over a week.

 

I was thinking that he would try again, and he never did. I WISHED that he would be persistent, and try again, even if I ignored him a couple of times. But he probably took my initial silence as a sign I was not ready or did not want to talk to him, and he opted to respect my silence, whatever the cause, and leave me alone. I never heard from him again.

 

Sometimes, I still feel weighed down by the way things ended between us, the broken communication, the unanswered questions. Sometimes, I wish I'd just mustered the courage to call him back and find out what he had to say. It occurs to me now that really, it's not the PERSON that we're afraid of, but our own feelings that will get stirred up--bad, good, either kind can feel like too much for us to deal with. Ideally, we'd keep lines of communication open, hear people out, and respond judiciously and in our own best interest. But I also don't think any of us can be blamed for not being able to achieve that at certain points in time. We're all human, just floundering around, and for that reason I think it's significant when someone attempts to reach out to us. They may be misguided, but then, aren't we all? Perhaps this thread just goes to show that there really is no "wrong" way, just whatever "way" we manage at the time, and it's never too late for apologies and forgiveness.

 

Maybe the real lesson in all of this is to commit to being as open and communicative and respectful as you possibly can DURING the relationship.

 

This is a great post. Well stated.

 

 

As I was reading it, it reminded me of another relationship ender- being fired. Managers/leaders are taught to keep a termination meeting VERY SHORT. It's not a time to debate the decision nor is it a time to rehash all the employees short comings that led to the decision. It's often cold, to the point and wishing the now ex-employee luck in the future.

 

 

My point is most employees are shocked they got sacked but as time passes and the shock wears off, they usually admit that they did in fact fire themselves and the manager only filled out the paperwork.

 

 

I think the same can be said about a lot of relationships at the end. While the dumped are "shocked" to have been kicked to the curb, when the shock wears off, they actually saw it coming and understood that the relationship really needed to end. It's just that we sometimes get stuck at the rejection aspect of it.

 

 

Kind of off topic, but similar I think.

[dyna85]

Wow Greencove... what a moving post. I could say more, but I won't because I don't want to take away or move the discussion away from the OP's predicament. However, I just want to give personal thanks for your post because it helped me very much in a time of need.

[MovingOnIsHard]

This is bizarre but my recent ex just contacted me yet again on a social media app through an account of his that I havent blocked yet (now it is)

 

Basically he was asking me how's my life blah blah.. i thought about ignoring him but I decided to take a different path

 

So I told him briefly how my life was (much much better than when I was with him) and threw in there that I was currently dating someone (thought maybe that would make it clear i dont want anything to do with him)

 

He ended up writing an essay how great his life was yada yada...

 

Then his last words were basically "i was hoping you'd get over old feelings and was hoping to start a new online friendship"

 

At the end, I said "No thanks. Bye" Then blocked that account of his.

 

Dont know if I did the right thing by engaging him but oh well. The truth is, no matter how much we ignore or tell these losers to bugger off, if they are resilient and stubborn, they will find ways to contact you (for whatever reason)

[erklat]

Absolutely nothing to be gained by replying to her and much to be lost.

 

He's not doing a thing to her. She's doing it to herself.

[na27]

Hmmm. I read every reply on this thread and can see the case for both options.

 

Originally, I read this and thought, just contact her and tell her to stop.

 

However, after reading your response and how awful she treated you, I would completely understand you ignoring her for the rest of your life. The fact that you reached out and she ignored you in the past just shows you owe her absolutely nothing.

 

BUT, in terms of her leaving you alone, I would send her a short message - text only - just saying "Please leave me alone" or "I'm not interested" then proceed to block her, delete the number, etc. The only reason I would do that would be I have done some similar things that your ex has (not the crappy stuff) in terms of contacting. I have had frequent panic attacks since BU where I break NC and text and call manically without even processing that I am doing so. My ex just ignores me every time and only calls me drunk since BU. However, if he ever sent me just one text saying something like he wanted me to leave him alone, I think that would be enough for me to stop.

 

In the end, it's up to you. I think you've made your decision, honestly - it seems like you're going to stick to ignoring, which is totally fine. I get that idea since you hit the like button on all the replies which said no contact and also don't seem to be considering contact all that much.

 

In my case, I'd want a quick, cold response even if it hurt like hell. That would make me take whatever pride I had left and run as far as I could in the opposite direction.

 

I don't know how your ex works, though. I think you know best what you should do. Good luck!

[erklat]

The only thing that warrants a response here is if you wanted her back. Since you

don't, just blank her.