At what point do you break NC to tell your ex to stop contacting you, if at all?

June 8, 2015

Not realizing that a person doesn't want to talk to you after you've tried 3 times (I actually realized it was 4 when I reread the initial post) and gone so far as to create a fake FB account? Really? You would really conclude that the person probably didn't get your message? Especially considering that she's an ex. If anyone isn't showing common courtesy and respect, it's her. And you really think that silence doesn't communicate a boundary? And you really think this is an example of the silent treatment? Really?

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. It's great to treat those as you want to be treated, but you have to balance that with boundaries. She is an ex. She is not a high school friend who dropped off the radar and now wants to reconnect on FB. She knows that he doesn't want to talk to her. If you actually think she doesn't realize this, you are very naive.

If the person is not responding, there is the possibility that they did not receive the message; thus, it is possible that is why she created the alternate FB account, to try to get through as an additional attempt, not knowing if her previous messages were received. And no, I'm not naive for thinking this way. I think I'm pretty logical to be honest, and my viewpoint just differs than yours. No need to label. In fact, if the OP was so convinced that she 'knew' he didn't want to talk to her, this thread probably wouldn't exist.

Common courtesy and respect is articulating a response and not just blanking someone in the hopes that they 'get the message.' She is a human being with feelings. Silence in this scenario, ignoring 3-4 attempts to reach out, is absurd and cruel. Never would I want to be friends with someone who did this to another person, unless the person being ignored, like I stated in my above post, demonstrated some sort of unforgivable, egregious behavior that required such impenetrable silence. I could see ignoring one attempt, but if the person became so persistent, I could never in clear conscience ignore someone who reached out repeatedly, unless they hurt me to a grave, unforgivable extent and wanted nothing to do with that person again. That would be an appropriate boundary.

I think it's called having good character and treating people with kindness, my approach that is. I mean, what is the harm in sending a one line reply: 'please stop contacting me, I am not interested in speaking with you.' The fact that the OP can't do that shows the issue lies with him, not his ex. This is particular evident given that he states it's been years and he is indifferent towards his ex. If that is true, then why the reluctance to communicate how you feel in a direct manner?

I guess I'm just not one for passive aggressive bs. I would have no time in my life for someone who played games like this.. and yes, it is a game.. and it's messed up.

So just because she's an ex means it's right to completely ignore her? Oh, I forgot. Old high school friends are to be shown more respect than exes. Guess I'll have to store that reminder in my back pocket.

Establishing boundaries is one thing. When you're ignoring someone when that person is repeatedly reaching out to you, and you won't even acknowledge the person, that is just rude and disrespectful, and in my eyes, reflects poorly upon the person doing the ignoring, in terms of communication skills and lack of empathy.

June 8, 2015

He's analyzing his silence because he wants her contact to stop. Not because he's overly concerned with her feelings. She's annoying him, and he wants it to stop. Never once has he shown any interest in trying to soothe her ego. Not that I blame him. In fact, I agree with what he's been doing, and I think it shows that he has self-respect. She's being annoying and disrespectful, and she knows this. She just broke up with her BF and is looking for the OP as a fallback.

He's analyzing his silence because he's not sure if he should break NC to tell his ex to stop contacting him. See title of thread.

If he wants her to stop, he should communicate that to her. You can't expect people to be mind readers.

She's annoying him and he wants it to stop. Then TELL HER. There's a simple solution for ya.

Annoying and disrespectful = the ignore game.

June 8, 2015

I'll just give some short background to the story real quick. We're both in college (different ones), in our early 20's, dated for a couple of years and broke up a couple of years ago. It wasn't anything bad like cheating or anything, we were both (one could say we still even are but to a lesser extent I'm sure) young and immature. We both made mistakes but I have put that behind me. Anyways, life is good now and she's a part of the past.

Fast-forward to 2015. After a couple of years of NC, she emails me out of the blue with some pointless message after she and her now ex-boyfriend broke up. I didn't have a block/send-to-trash filter set up because I couldn't remember her email. I made a thread about it on here and decided to ignore the email. A month later, she messages me on Skype (also didn't know her details to block prior lol) and I ignore it too. She says that she doesn't necessarily want to be friends but she wants to know if we're on good terms. Yeah, okay. I figured hey, I'll probably get my point across that I don't care by leaving it be.

Now a couple of days ago, she messages me on some social service that I only used one time and forgot about and I haven't read that message. Only reason I know is because I guess I got a notification on my phone. I don't care to read it, really. A day after that, she makes a new Facebook account—since I did have her real one blocked—and sends me a friend request. I also got a random greeting text from a number I don't recognize but I assume it is her because of the coincidence. I have her number blocked or what I thought was her number from years ago.

It's kind of getting annoying at this point. I thought she would get the message the first time and drop the dead horse. I'm really hoping she doesn't end up showing up at my front door since she knows where I live.

So my question is: What should I do in my spot? Just ...ignore the messages again and block them and keep doing that if it happens again? Or would you break NC this one time just to tell her to stop?

For my purposes, I'm not interested in reconciliation. Also not interested in being friends so there's no point to talk. I think re-introducing her into my life will just bring pointless drama again so I'll avoid that for the rest of my life or at the very least, many years when everything has changed.

I think a nice but terse,

NOT INTERESTED

would do wonders for you.

June 8, 2015

Thanks everyone for the responses, I've read them all and I do appreciate your inputs.

Dyna: While I do appreciate your opinion, I don't think it's fair for you to call me an indecent, immature, petty, childish human being who is "deriving pleasure" and lacks empathy, purely based on my one post. I just get a very condescending vibe.

For the record, our positions have been reversed a long time ago where I broke NC (stupid move but that's a different story) and I contacted her a couple of times, just wanting to talk. She ignored me completely and it hurt me. I came to the conclusion that she didn't care and ultimately in the end, I actually respected her more for it because if she did reply, my healing most likely would've been delayed. I got the point in a couple of days. She has been contacting me for months. Huge difference. Also, she later admitted to me that she didn't care at all when I contacted her and that's why she ignored me so I was right. That's fine and didn't hurt me when I found out because I already came to that conclusion days after I contacted her. She dumped me, led me on the possibility of reconciliation while dating her fling, contacted me when they broke up, hooked up with a guy (her now ex) and then kind of left me in the dirt when they became official. That was also partially my fault for being ignorant but that was a long time ago and I'd rather not get into details since I already have threads about it. Figured I'd mention it though since apparently I need a "reason" for silence.

So everything she has done is perfectly acceptable (which is EXACTLY the same as I'm doing right now but MORE) but my lack of communication is indecent, immature and apathetic? After all that has happened—regardless of whether I'm indifferent or not—I need to be courteous about this? Also before you jump to more conclusions, I'm not doing this out of spite or pleasure just because she "did it to me." I actually respected her more for the decision she made that long time ago. I don't see anywhere in my initial post where I'm "deeply analyzing" what is going on, I was just curious what others thought. If you want to actually see what I'm like when I'm over-analyzing things, read my past threads because I know you haven't.

Also just because someone makes a thread on Loveshack, that doesn't automatically label them as someone in denial, refuses to listen to anyone, is ignorant, etc. I mean, seriously? The whole "If you made a thread about it, you must be confused/in-denial" thing is ridiculous. I was just asking for opinions. Does this also mean everyone else here that says I shouldn't break NC is immature and indecent?

June 8, 2015

If the person is not responding, there is the possibility that they did not receive the message; thus, it is possible that is why she created the alternate FB account, to try to get through as an additional attempt, not knowing if her previous messages were received. And no, I'm not naive for thinking this way. I think I'm pretty logical to be honest, and my viewpoint just differs than yours. No need to label. In fact, if the OP was so convinced that she 'knew' he didn't want to talk to her, this thread probably wouldn't exist.

Common courtesy and respect is articulating a response and not just blanking someone in the hopes that they 'get the message.' She is a human being with feelings. Silence in this scenario, ignoring 3-4 attempts to reach out, is absurd and cruel. Never would I want to be friends with someone who did this to another person, unless the person being ignored, like I stated in my above post, demonstrated some sort of unforgivable, egregious behavior that required such impenetrable silence. I could see ignoring one attempt, but if the person became so persistent, I could never in clear conscience ignore someone who reached out repeatedly, unless they hurt me to a grave, unforgivable extent and wanted nothing to do with that person again. That would be an appropriate boundary.

I think it's called having good character and treating people with kindness, my approach that is. I mean, what is the harm in sending a one line reply: 'please stop contacting me, I am not interested in speaking with you.' The fact that the OP can't do that shows the issue lies with him, not his ex. This is particular evident given that he states it's been years and he is indifferent towards his ex. If that is true, then why the reluctance to communicate how you feel in a direct manner?

I guess I'm just not one for passive aggressive bs. I would have no time in my life for someone who played games like this.. and yes, it is a game.. and it's messed up.

So just because she's an ex means it's right to completely ignore her? Oh, I forgot. Old high school friends are to be shown more respect than exes. Guess I'll have to store that reminder in my back pocket.

Establishing boundaries is one thing. When you're ignoring someone when that person is repeatedly reaching out to you, and you won't even acknowledge the person, that is just rude and disrespectful, and in my eyes, reflects poorly upon the person doing the ignoring, in terms of communication skills and lack of empathy.

I'm simply trying to understand why you can't respect a persons RIGHT to not communicate with someone? Clearly, most of the people on this thread support and agree that he doesn't owe her, an ex HS friend nor anyone else a reply if he chooses not to. I don't see why this act has to be labeled cowardly, rude, immature or childish. It's nothing other than his decision to simply not reply. The OP solicited others peoples thoughts and the majority replied to NOT reply to her.

I'd never view it with any of the labels you've put on it. I've personally reached out to an old friend or GF in the past (I'm sure we all have) that maybe didn't end the best way. I tried to reconcile and received silence in my attempts. When I heard silence back, I ACCEPTED that they were not interested in having any further contact w/me. I didn't label them w/any names. I understood exactly what the silence meant and moved on.

Like BC indicated we can agree to disagree on this one.

June 8, 2015

I'm simply trying to understand why you can't respect a persons RIGHT to not communicate with someone? Clearly, most of the people on this thread support and agree that he doesn't owe her, an ex HS friend nor anyone else a reply if he chooses not to. I don't see why this act has to be labeled cowardly, rude, immature or childish. It's nothing other than his decision to simply not reply. The OP solicited others peoples thoughts and the majority replied to NOT reply to her.

I'd never view it with any of the labels you've put on it. I've personally reached out to an old friend or GF in the past (I'm sure we all have) that maybe didn't end the best way. I tried to reconcile and received silence in my attempts. When I heard silence back, I ACCEPTED that they were not interested in having any further contact w/me. I didn't label them w/any names. I understood exactly what the silence meant and moved on.

Like BC indicated we can agree to disagree on this one.

It's funny how you say we can agree to disagree, right after further questioning my viewpoint.

I can respect a person's right not to communicate with someone. Where did I say I can't? I was merely giving my viewpoint on this particular situation, based on the details contained within the first post on this thread.

Also, I don't care what the majority vote is. I am entitled to my opinion, even if it differs from that of other forum members. Deal with it and try to see another's view, rather than assuming popular opinion is best. It's often not, and many times I see people spewing 'go NC! don't respond! NC NC NC! long live NC!' all over the boards without even considering specific circumstances which don't warrant the implementation of NC. So no, I will not follow this crowd.

June 8, 2015

It's funny how you say we can agree to disagree, right after further questioning my viewpoint.

I can respect a person's right not to communicate with someone. Where did I say I can't? I was merely giving my viewpoint on this particular situation, based on the details contained within the first post on this thread.

Also, I don't care what the majority vote is. I am entitled to my opinion, even if it differs from that of other forum members. Deal with it and try to see another's view, rather than assuming popular opinion is best. It's often not, and many times I see people spewing 'go NC! don't respond! NC NC NC! long live NC!' all over the boards without even considering specific circumstances which don't warrant the implementation of NC. So no, I will not follow this crowd.

Dyna85, you have a point, of course. If OP didn't have any feelings towards his ex, he would never have posted on LS to ask our opinions and he would have dealt with it. That's my POV.

It seems to me that he still has some residual feelings and that's why I recommended NC, as well.

June 8, 2015

Oh my, what a discussion (!) and an interesting one I must say.

I have to admit that I almost immediately regretted that I introduced the word mature into the discussion: as I used the term to describe something for what I see as informed (learned) communication (again this is not meant personal). In my first post I actually deleted the part saying that what I wrote was a moral argument, but introducing one I spoke more in general.

For me being ignored is something I really find disrespectful, I actually find it offensive to be honest. Not giving a sign communicates to me denying my existence and communicating that is to me is for me the ultimate boundary. If I was Always Pondering I even would communicate to his ex that having done that to him would leave me with no intention to be in contact with her any-more, but again that is me.

It is educating how OP has a totally different experience being ignored. I guess that is one of the differences between people. With this difference of mine in experience I agree with the moral arguments made by dyna. It of course it is OK to think and feel differently, but it is not how I ever like to be treated - or respect while being treated as such - and therefore I have never done this to someone myself and I never intend to.

Again thanks to everyone for this educating thread.

June 8, 2015

did she treat him with respect in their previous RS? Did they show eachother mutual respect and space ? It's a dirty game and as Sun Tzu put it, "most wars that are won are based on deception".

sorry, mate. She had her chance to be treated respectfully. Why was he in a position to block her in the first place? How respectful was she, when realizing he has blocked her, has created an additional account to step on his boundaries, AGAIN? She is forcing her way into his life, when he gave all the possible signs that HE DOES NOT WANT TO.

Screw her. Under no circumstances is NC to be broken. Bloody block all the new numbers. Serves her right, she'd better start running after a new victim, this one is done.

June 8, 2015

did she treat him with respect in their previous RS? Did they show eachother mutual respect and space ? It's a dirty game and as Sun Tzu put it, "most wars that are won are based on deception".

sorry, mate. She had her chance to be treated respectfully.

Candy, I think I already gave an answer to this: 'If I was Always Pondering I even would communicate to his ex that having done that to him would leave me with no intention to be in contact with her anymore, but again that is me.'

I Also want to point out that apparently a mayor difference here is that I do not view relationships with people and communications as 'games' or 'wars' that have to be 'won'.

June 8, 2015

I Also want to point out that apparently a mayor difference here is that I do not view relationships with people and communications as 'games' or 'wars' that have to be 'won'.

Successful communication lies in adapting your communication style to your audience. You may not view them as "games" or at "wars". Truth is, in RS, in all RS, there is a power struggle, irrelevant how you call it, there is a tension, a dynamic. A chaser and a person being chased. One love inlove than the other. One making more compromises. One having his /her way more often than the other. choosing to ignore this dynamic won't make it go away.

ideally all RS are balanced. In more cases than not, the imbalance is the status quo and again, in more cases than not, that imbalance is one-sided. It all depends on which side you'd rather be.

And don't say that there are no sides. There are always sides.

June 8, 2015

Successful communication lies in adapting your communication style to your audience. You may not view them as "games" or at "wars". Truth is, in RS, in all RS, there is a power struggle, irrelevant how you call it, there is a tension, a dynamic. A chaser and a person being chased. One love inlove than the other. One making more compromises. One having his /her way more often than the other. choosing to ignore this dynamic won't make it go away.

ideally all RS are balanced. In more cases than not, the imbalance is the status quo and again, in more cases than not, that imbalance is one-sided. It all depends on which side you'd rather be.

And don't say that there are no sides. There are always sides.

Yes there definitely is a dynamic and you bring in good points. Call me idealistic, stubborn or stupid, but in my 3.5 decades I always have refused to play certain games and I really detest it when people go as far that I have to play them (for example in business). It does not make my life easier, but I am happy with that path.

June 8, 2015

I understand your philosophy and respect it. As I see it, there are 2 realities:how you like to interact / prefer to and real life. You may not like games and stuff, but if you want to get stuff done in life, you need to interact and talk to people. And their agenda is significantly different from yours. Big news: there always is a game. Even the "I'm up to no games" is a game, to that matter.

So yeah, hope for the best, but get expect the worst. And you know what really helps when expecting the worst? Being ready, getting prepared. The world is not what we want it to be, it is what it is. The sooner we understand that, the sooner we get out of our nice little bubble and get stuff done.

June 8, 2015

I understand your philosophy and respect it. As I see it, there are 2 realities:how you like to interact / prefer to and real life. You may not like games and stuff, but if you want to get stuff done in life, you need to interact and talk to people. And their agenda is significantly different from yours. Big news: there always is a game. Even the "I'm up to no games" is a game, to that matter.

So yeah, hope for the best, but get expect the worst. And you know what really helps when expecting the worst? Being ready, getting prepared. The world is not what we want it to be, it is what it is. The sooner we understand that, the sooner we get out of our nice little bubble and get stuff done.

Yes many people have agendas. I play games when people really leave me no choice and they than can expect a better one from me. But I do not respect them for doing such and I will never forget it. As I said I am an idealist, but that does not say that I am naive.

June 8, 2015

Candy, I think I already gave an answer to this: 'If I was Always Pondering I even would communicate to his ex that having done that to him would leave me with no intention to be in contact with her anymore, but again that is me.'

I Also want to point out that apparently a mayor difference here is that I do not view relationships with people and communications as 'games' or 'wars' that have to be 'won'.

But the best way to get away from the games is to completely disengage from the other person. The OP's ex is playing games and trying to provoke a response from him. He doesn't want to play the game, but she's pushing until she wins. Their dynamics have changed. This entire thread is him asking if it's beneficial to respond to her in an attempt to get her to stop playing games. He's having a hard time because it's always so risky to even engage with someone who is doing what she is doing because it may draw him further into her mess.

June 8, 2015

absolutely! peace of mind over a piece of arse

June 8, 2015

But the best way to get away from the games is to completely disengage from the other person. The OP's ex is playing games and trying to provoke a response from him. He doesn't want to play the game, but she's pushing until she wins. Their dynamics have changed. This entire thread is him asking if it's beneficial to respond to her in an attempt to get her to stop playing games. He's having a hard time because it's always so risky to even engage with someone who is doing what she is doing because it may draw him further into her mess.

Hi BC1980 My chosen path would be what Dyna wrote in the quote below:

If he wanted her to stop, a simple direct response for her to cease communications would put an end to this. If she were to then continue in her efforts to communicate after he expressed his wishes for her to stop, THAT would be crossing a boundary. In that case, NC would be appropriate.

June 8, 2015

OP, I think she will eventually stop if you keep silent. I don't think it would be a bad thing to send a terse message like Mighty suggested, "not interested." But you do run the risk of her not respecting it, which she clearly is actively doing right now.

June 8, 2015

Hi BC1980 My chosen path would be what Dyna wrote in the quote below:

I get it. I really do get it. And I'm not saying anyone is wrong to do that, but I'm just saying that he has a right not to do that. You assume it would all stop if he asked her to stop, but it might not. It's such a slippery slope to engage again with a person who broke your heart. It's about protecting yourself and not wanting to revisit that. He has a right, even a responsibility, to protect himself.

June 8, 2015

I get it. I really do get it. And I'm not saying anyone is wrong to do that, but I'm just saying that he has a right not to do that. You assume it would all stop if he asked her to stop, but it might not. It's such a slippery slope to engage again with a person who broke your heart. It's about protecting yourself and not wanting to revisit that. He has a right, even a responsibility, to protect himself.

Yes, fortunately we have the right to our own opinion! And yes I agree. I am also really not sure my that preferred action would stop her. Weighing these things against each-other is what makes us - in my view - adults on a emotional level. It means making a decision based on the situation and history of the situation against our moral horizon. That is something different than just using a method instrumentally as the best choice of action.

As for hurting himself, that is why I asked in my first post if he still has feelings for her.

June 8, 2015

Thanks everyone for the responses, I've read them all and I do appreciate your inputs.

Dyna: While I do appreciate your opinion, I don't think it's fair for you to call me an indecent, immature, petty, childish human being who is "deriving pleasure" and lacks empathy, purely based on my one post. I just get a very condescending vibe.

For the record, our positions have been reversed a long time ago where I broke NC (stupid move but that's a different story) and I contacted her a couple of times, just wanting to talk. She ignored me completely and it hurt me. I came to the conclusion that she didn't care and ultimately in the end, I actually respected her more for it because if she did reply, my healing most likely would've been delayed. I got the point in a couple of days. She has been contacting me for months. Huge difference. Also, she later admitted to me that she didn't care at all when I contacted her and that's why she ignored me so I was right. That's fine and didn't hurt me when I found out because I already came to that conclusion days after I contacted her. She dumped me, led me on the possibility of reconciliation while dating her fling, contacted me when they broke up, hooked up with a guy (her now ex) and then kind of left me in the dirt when they became official. That was also partially my fault for being ignorant but that was a long time ago and I'd rather not get into details since I already have threads about it. Figured I'd mention it though since apparently I need a "reason" for silence.

So everything she has done is perfectly acceptable (which is EXACTLY the same as I'm doing right now but MORE) but my lack of communication is indecent, immature and apathetic? After all that has happened—regardless of whether I'm indifferent or not—I need to be courteous about this? Also before you jump to more conclusions, I'm not doing this out of spite or pleasure just because she "did it to me." I actually respected her more for the decision she made that long time ago. I don't see anywhere in my initial post where I'm "deeply analyzing" what is going on, I was just curious what others thought. If you want to actually see what I'm like when I'm over-analyzing things, read my past threads because I know you haven't.

Also just because someone makes a thread on Loveshack, that doesn't automatically label them as someone in denial, refuses to listen to anyone, is ignorant, etc. I mean, seriously? The whole "If you made a thread about it, you must be confused/in-denial" thing is ridiculous. I was just asking for opinions. Does this also mean everyone else here that says I shouldn't break NC is immature and indecent?

For the record, with these additional details, I would recommend sticking to NC. I was not aware of the fact that she ignored you in the past and strung you along to such an extent. She sounds like a piece of work with this additional info and I agree w/proceeding as you have. I agree with IP that if someone's going to stoop to the level of ignoring and being a buttcheek and/or playing games...or whatever...they deserve the same treatment in return. These background details were not included in the initial post so I was working with what I was given. I hope you haven't responded to her and if you have, I hope it was terse like MCPA suggested. Screw her for stringing you along and I'm sorry you went through this. Knowing all of this info would have eliminated much of the back and forth on this thread. Oh well... : \

June 8, 2015

OP, I think she will eventually stop if you keep silent. I don't think it would be a bad thing to send a terse message like Mighty suggested, "not interested." But you do run the risk of her not respecting it, which she clearly is actively doing right now.

With all hoops she's going thru to contact him, she's simply not going to respect any TERSE "leave me alone" replies. In my opinion, it would only challenge her more to get him to engage with her. I think his right to not potentially re-open a wound that's healed is prudent.

My crazy, selfish ex did this to me. I got dumped. She was a POS to me the final few months. I vanished from her life the day she ended it so I could heal and move forward with my life. It took me a month to eat and sleep again. I was really hurt even though I should have been relieved. I finally moved on, met my now almost 2 year GF a few months post break up. My crazy ex reappeared 5.5 months after we ended. She came to my house (I was napping). She then texted me the next night. I ignored her. She then emailed me a couple of weeks later. I ignored that. I finally replied to her when my GF insisted only to tell her I was happily in a new relationship and good luck. This didn't stop her either. She kept emailing off and on and was ignored.

It did affect me that I broke NC with her. I had to relieve some of the pain from the end of the relationship. After replying I'd moved on, she'd send longer emails about "US", detailing the good things we had. I wouldn't of had to be exposed to any of that crap had I ignored her.

June 8, 2015

Well, looks like I missed the fireworks. Since dyna has stood down, I won't go into her whole argument but, needless to say, I agree with the ignoring crowd. Someone who is making fake Facebooks isn't going to back off with terse negative communication -- they are more likely to double down. It's opening Pandora's Box, especially since the OP seems to still be sore about how the breakup went down. You forfeit getting a respectful reply when you treat the other person like crap. Silence speaks louder than words sometimes, and the OP's ex realizes this, which is why she's trying to shout down the silence. Eventually she'll back off.

June 8, 2015

Lol. Okay, so I've stood down, only because of the additional details provided. Given same, yes I am advocating NO CONTACT here. However, if she hadn't ignored him in the past and/or treated him like crap by stringing him along, etc, in that case, some sort of reply would be in order.

However, this particular instance is a case of 'you get what you give,' so yes, I am on board with ignoring her to the max.

June 9, 2015

This is a really enlightening discussion; I can see the merits of both sides, one saying to respond requesting no further contact, and the other saying not to respond.

I had an ex who in 2007 broke up with me abruptly, and after several times of my begging and pleading and asking for answers, he finally wrote me a very cold email that ended with, "I'm sorry that I need to say this, but I request that you stop contacting me." It really floored me. I simply could not understand why he was so cold. And I felt indignant, because I had done nothing to deserve such coldness. Perhaps I shouldn't have begged and pleaded, but I didn't know better, and I just felt so blindsided because he was such a terrible communicator and I had no clue he was ready to be done with the relationship. I felt there was a much more compassionate way he could have treated me. And in all honesty, the cold way he ended things still hurts me to this day. In all, it's a painful memory.

A year and a half or so after sending me that severing email, he called me. I saw his number on my caller ID and was too stunned and afraid to pick up. I'd been so hurt for so long and FINALLY had started to heal, and even though he had left a message asking me please to call him, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Even if I could have, I was further prevented by a major psychosomatic migraine lasting over a week.

I was thinking that he would try again, and he never did. I WISHED that he would be persistent, and try again, even if I ignored him a couple of times. But he probably took my initial silence as a sign I was not ready or did not want to talk to him, and he opted to respect my silence, whatever the cause, and leave me alone. I never heard from him again.

Sometimes, I still feel weighed down by the way things ended between us, the broken communication, the unanswered questions. Sometimes, I wish I'd just mustered the courage to call him back and find out what he had to say. It occurs to me now that really, it's not the PERSON that we're afraid of, but our own feelings that will get stirred up--bad, good, either kind can feel like too much for us to deal with. Ideally, we'd keep lines of communication open, hear people out, and respond judiciously and in our own best interest. But I also don't think any of us can be blamed for not being able to achieve that at certain points in time. We're all human, just floundering around, and for that reason I think it's significant when someone attempts to reach out to us. They may be misguided, but then, aren't we all? Perhaps this thread just goes to show that there really is no "wrong" way, just whatever "way" we manage at the time, and it's never too late for apologies and forgiveness.

Maybe the real lesson in all of this is to commit to being as open and communicative and respectful as you possibly can DURING the relationship.

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At what point do you break NC to tell your ex to stop contacting you, if at all?

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