At what point do you break NC to tell your ex to stop contacting you, if at all?

June 7, 2015

I'll just give some short background to the story real quick. We're both in college (different ones), in our early 20's, dated for a couple of years and broke up a couple of years ago. It wasn't anything bad like cheating or anything, we were both (one could say we still even are but to a lesser extent I'm sure) young and immature. We both made mistakes but I have put that behind me. Anyways, life is good now and she's a part of the past.

Fast-forward to 2015. After a couple of years of NC, she emails me out of the blue with some pointless message after she and her now ex-boyfriend broke up. I didn't have a block/send-to-trash filter set up because I couldn't remember her email. I made a thread about it on here and decided to ignore the email. A month later, she messages me on Skype (also didn't know her details to block prior lol) and I ignore it too. She says that she doesn't necessarily want to be friends but she wants to know if we're on good terms. Yeah, okay. I figured hey, I'll probably get my point across that I don't care by leaving it be.

Now a couple of days ago, she messages me on some social service that I only used one time and forgot about and I haven't read that message. Only reason I know is because I guess I got a notification on my phone. I don't care to read it, really. A day after that, she makes a new Facebook account—since I did have her real one blocked—and sends me a friend request. I also got a random greeting text from a number I don't recognize but I assume it is her because of the coincidence. I have her number blocked or what I thought was her number from years ago.

It's kind of getting annoying at this point. I thought she would get the message the first time and drop the dead horse. I'm really hoping she doesn't end up showing up at my front door since she knows where I live.

So my question is: What should I do in my spot? Just ...ignore the messages again and block them and keep doing that if it happens again? Or would you break NC this one time just to tell her to stop?

For my purposes, I'm not interested in reconciliation. Also not interested in being friends so there's no point to talk. I think re-introducing her into my life will just bring pointless drama again so I'll avoid that for the rest of my life or at the very least, many years when everything has changed.

June 7, 2015

I would suggest that if you genuinely don't want to respond and break NC, keep ignoring her, she'll get the picture eventually.

If she does end up coming to your house, you can tell her to leave you alone for good.

June 7, 2015

Just keep ignoring and blocking. I know it seems like a pain to have to keep doing so, but any response you make might be misconstrued as a positive, even if you were saying, "Stop this."

June 7, 2015

Agreed with Yummm, there is the risk when breaking contact that she'll get the wrong idea, but to be honest it's difficult to say as each person reacts differently to a response. There are some bonkers people out there and for your sake I do hope she doesn't show up at your door. A drama free live is one to be savored, I'll never find the appeal of welcoming back such if you dread it.

June 7, 2015

For my purposes, I'm not interested in reconciliation. Also not interested in being friends so there's no point to talk. I think re-introducing her into my life will just bring pointless drama again so I'll avoid that for the rest of my life or at the very least, many years when everything has changed.

If you are really over her I really see no problem in just telling her you are not interested in friendship or communication. In fact I find its the just and mature thing to do.

With this argument in mind I do not really get why you would introduce drama in your life just telling her the above? It makes me wonder of you still have feelings for her?

June 7, 2015

This is the pattern when an ex or dumper reappears. They start trying different means to get thru to you. I think it becomes a game at some point to them.

She'll take the hint eventually and get that you want no contact with her if you keep ignoring her. If she shows up at your house (which she may and my ex did) don't answer the door. You have the right to want no contact with her and she needs to listen to it.

June 7, 2015

It's just a little tiring that she didn't get the message the first time. I'll probably just keep ignoring them as you guys have said but I just wanted to get the general consensus of what LS thinks.

If you are really over her I really see no problem in just telling her you are not interested in friendship or communication. In fact I find its the just and mature thing to do.

With this argument in mind I do not really get why you would introduce drama in your life just telling her the above? It makes me wonder of you still have feelings for her?

I don't necessarily agree with the whole "maturity" thing. Also, I don't have feelings. My life is pretty amazing as it is right now but I don't really need to go into detail. I'm not really here to prove people right or wrong, just curious of opinions. I'm not in denial either. Sure, you could also argue that I'm "in denial of not being in denial" but that argument surely has to stop at some point before it gets ridiculous. As your forum handle, if you could tell me the benefit of replying to her, I'll consider it. Otherwise, I think "itspointless".

June 7, 2015

I don't necessarily agree with the whole "maturity" thing. Also, I don't have feelings. My life is pretty amazing as it is right now but I don't really need to go into detail. I'm not really here to prove people right or wrong, just curious of opinions. I'm not in denial either. Sure, you could also argue that I'm "in denial of not being in denial" but that argument surely has to stop at some point before it gets ridiculous. As your forum handle, if you could tell me the benefit of replying to her, I'll consider it. Otherwise, I think "itspointless".

I value clear communication. I did not ask you to explain yourself nor did I have the need to judge you, Plus I made an observation with the material you provided: your text.

If people are afraid of something - as you are worried for drama - it usually means that the other party still has some power over them. I don't know your ex, she could be a psychopath, I don't know, you do.

Instead of waiting till she visits your home it is much easier to tell her you do not want that. It is plain and simple communication, while ignoring is not clear.

That's all dude.

June 7, 2015

It's just a little tiring that she didn't get the message the first time. I'll probably just keep ignoring them as you guys have said but I just wanted to get the general consensus of what LS thinks.

I don't necessarily agree with the whole "maturity" thing. Also, I don't have feelings. My life is pretty amazing as it is right now but I don't really need to go into detail. I'm not really here to prove people right or wrong, just curious of opinions. I'm not in denial either. Sure, you could also argue that I'm "in denial of not being in denial" but that argument surely has to stop at some point before it gets ridiculous. As your forum handle, if you could tell me the benefit of replying to her, I'll consider it. Otherwise, I think "itspointless".

I think the benefit of replying would be it's the mature way of saying enough is enough and you don't want to be bothered anymore. Unless the person really hurt you or something and you want to demonstrate that you refuse to associate with someone who does that (and even then a response might be in order), I think ignoring someone is not appropriate. I agree w/itspointless that it seems like your ignoring her demonstrates you still have feelings.

If you didn't care, you prob wouldn't be analyzing her behavior so much either. You say it's 'tiring' she didn't 'get the message' but I think you secretly are sitting back enjoying all of the attention.

If you truly had no feelings and didn't care to have anything to do with her, why hesitate over being direct and saying as such in response to her messages? Are you afraid that if you respond as such, she'll be gone for good? I mean, it seems like you're looking to keep your options open and potentially reconnect in the future on your terms, when you deem appropriate. To me, that's rather self-serving. You're right, you do have some maturing to do.

Edited June 7, 2015 by dyna85

June 7, 2015

I think the benefit of replying would be it's the mature way of saying enough is enough and you don't want to be bothered anymore. Unless the person really hurt you or something and you want to demonstrate that you refuse to associate with someone who does that (and even then a response might be in order), I think ignoring someone is not appropriate. I agree w/itspointless that it seems like your ignoring her demonstrates you still have feelings.

If you didn't care, you prob wouldn't be analyzing her behavior so much either. You say it's 'tiring' she didn't 'get the message' but I think you secretly are sitting back enjoying all of the attention.

If you truly had no feelings and didn't care to have anything to do with her, why hesitate over being direct and saying as such in response to her messages? Are you afraid that if you respond as such, she'll be gone for good? I mean, it seems like you're looking to keep your options open and potentially reconnect in the future on your terms, when you deem appropriate. To me, that's rather self-serving. You're right, you do have some maturing to do.

I don't know. He doesn't owe her anything, to include a response to her communication. In all likelihood, he may still have some residual feelings that he doesn't want to open back up by communicating with her again. I don't agree that he's being immature by not responding to her. I think it be construed as being appropriate for HIM.

We all have the right to chose to engage with people or not. I think he should be allowed the same. Him reaching out to solicit some other opinions on the matter doesn't indict him one way or the other in my view. I gut check my opinions often as well.

June 7, 2015

I don't know. He doesn't owe her anything, to include a response to her communication. In all likelihood, he may still have some residual feelings that he doesn't want to open back up by communicating with her again. I don't agree that he's being immature by not responding to her. I think it be construed as being appropriate for HIM.

We all have the right to chose to engage with people or not. I think he should be allowed the same. Him reaching out to solicit some other opinions on the matter doesn't indict him one way or the other in my view. I gut check my opinions often as well.

I'm not saying he owes her anything. I'm saying that I think it's the mature thing to respond, when someone is contacting you repeatedly and you want them to stop. I've done the whole 'ignore' approach too, hoping the person would 'get the message' and recognized later how it wasn't right to have done so, and would have stopped the frenzy of the other party by just being direct and saying 'look, stop contacting me' or something of the like.

I'm not denying his rights or indicting him. I'm merely giving an opinion as he asked for opinions on the matter. He's allowed to do as he wishes, obviously.

The thing is, he shouldn't be annoyed if she keeps messaging him when he's not responding directly advising her to stop. It's not right to assume people should get some subliminal message like that. As OP is entitled to do as she wishes, so is she, and if she wants to persist in her efforts, he can be tired of it all he wants, but he only has himself to blame for not putting an end to the 'drama' if you will.

June 7, 2015

Don't break No Contact, my friend.

I have had to learn that the hard way and I'd hate to see you do the same mistake.

Keep moving forward and don't look back, ever.

June 7, 2015

I would keep ignoring them.

My ex is full of herself. She thinks she's so alluring that all she has to do is contact me or be in the same room as me and I won't be able to resist her. She said that to me many times.

It's not true.

She still calls, texts and sends me messages. I ignore them all.

One day she'll get the message.

June 7, 2015

Hey everyone, newsflash: NC is not a tool to just implement to pad your ego and 'get back at someone' or to 'teach that person a lesson.' If you don't know this and are using NC inappropriately, you have a hard road ahead of you.

NC is useful in situations where contacting would do more harm than good, to your personal well being.. that is, you would suffer true emotional harm from doing so and it's a necessary path to heal from a dead end or from an unhealthy source.

Using it to convey some sort of message to another person is not healthy and borders emotional abuse.

June 7, 2015

In my case, the message is that I can and will extricate myself from a situation that is not good for me.

It's a message that needed and still needs to be sent.

June 7, 2015

If you ended on good terms and haven't talked in years, are you afraid responding will bring you back? If you're truly over it, just say yeah you don't hate her. I'm sure she wants more than just to hear that you ended on good terms, she's probably worried she'll be alone forever and wants you to fill the void temporarily.

I recently responded to be ex-ex of 4 years, but since I'm truly indifferent to her, it meant nothing to me, I felt nothing and the brief conversation was just fine. Maybe it meant something to her, but all it meant to me was "haha, really? you're going to try to talk to me after me and my new gf break-up? You're pathetic".

June 7, 2015

I'm not saying he owes her anything. I'm saying that I think it's the mature thing to respond, when someone is contacting you repeatedly and you want them to stop. I've done the whole 'ignore' approach too, hoping the person would 'get the message' and recognized later how it wasn't right to have done so, and would have stopped the frenzy of the other party by just being direct and saying 'look, stop contacting me' or something of the like.

I think you're taking too much responsibility for the other party. If someone ignores you 3 times, it's pretty darn obvious that you need to stop contacting the person. I'm not taking responsibility for their "frenzy" of communication. They can take responsibility for that, and they should. If they need a direct message after contacting me 3 times, then that is absolutely not my fault and they need to take responsibility for that. It's got nothing to do with maturity or what is "right or wrong." Because if it had anything to do with those ideas, the other party would recognize their immaturity. I don't think ideas of "right or wrong" even have a place in the OP's situation.

June 7, 2015

Hey everyone, newsflash: NC is not a tool to just implement to pad your ego and 'get back at someone' or to 'teach that person a lesson.' If you don't know this and are using NC inappropriately, you have a hard road ahead of you.

NC is useful in situations where contacting would do more harm than good, to your personal well being.. that is, you would suffer true emotional harm from doing so and it's a necessary path to heal from a dead end or from an unhealthy source.

Using it to convey some sort of message to another person is not healthy and borders emotional abuse.

Creating a fake FB account isn't healthy, and it's trying to push the boundaries the OP has CLEARLY communicated. If anyone is being manipulative, it's his ex. Yes, people do use NC as manipulation, but that is not the case here. He's not in a relationship with her. This isn't emotional abuse via the silent treatment. They have NO relationship. This is a case where the OP hasn't spoken to this person in years, and there is no relationship.

Silence communicates a message and a boundary. Whether or not the other party wants to respect the boundary is up to them. She clearly has no respect for his boundaries. NC sends a message to a person no matter the circumstance. It's actually a great way to communicate a drama free message, and the message is crystal clear. It's absolutely not the OP's fault or responsibility if his ex chooses to continue to disrespect his boundaries.

June 7, 2015

Don`t do it.

June 7, 2015

Creating a fake FB account isn't healthy, and it's trying to push the boundaries the OP has CLEARLY communicated. If anyone is being manipulative, it's his ex. Yes, people do use NC as manipulation, but that is not the case here. He's not in a relationship with her. This isn't emotional abuse via the silent treatment. They have NO relationship. This is a case where the OP hasn't spoken to this person in years, and there is no relationship.

Silence communicates a message and a boundary. Whether or not the other party wants to respect the boundary is up to them. She clearly has no respect for his boundaries. NC sends a message to a person no matter the circumstance. It's actually a great way to communicate a drama free message, and the message is crystal clear. It's absolutely not the OP's fault or responsibility if his ex chooses to continue to disrespect his boundaries.

This whole post is beautifully stated.

I just can't view him ignoring her as "immature". I'm trying to see that point but simply can't. If she can't read between the lines that she's simply being ignored and continues to contact him, then she's being extremely self centered and selfish. EVERYBODY knows that if people don't reply to you once or even twice, there's a reason.

June 7, 2015

I think you're taking too much responsibility for the other party. If someone ignores you 3 times, it's pretty darn obvious that you need to stop contacting the person. I'm not taking responsibility for their "frenzy" of communication. They can take responsibility for that, and they should. If they need a direct message after contacting me 3 times, then that is absolutely not my fault and they need to take responsibility for that. It's got nothing to do with maturity or what is "right or wrong." Because if it had anything to do with those ideas, the other party would recognize their immaturity. I don't think ideas of "right or wrong" even have a place in the OP's situation.

Creating a fake FB account isn't healthy, and it's trying to push the boundaries the OP has CLEARLY communicated. If anyone is being manipulative, it's his ex. Yes, people do use NC as manipulation, but that is not the case here. He's not in a relationship with her. This isn't emotional abuse via the silent treatment. They have NO relationship. This is a case where the OP hasn't spoken to this person in years, and there is no relationship. Silence communicates a message and a boundary. Whether or not the other party wants to respect the boundary is up to them. She clearly has no respect for his boundaries. NC sends a message to a person no matter the circumstance. It's actually a great way to communicate a drama free message, and the message is crystal clear. It's absolutely not the OP's fault or responsibility if his ex chooses to continue to disrespect his boundaries.

I am not taking too much responsibility for any party and I fully stand by what I stated. Ignoring someone 3x is cowardly and immature. Also, you state if someone ignores you 3x, it's obvious you need to stop contacting the person. Obvious to whom? To you? Um, to me, that's not obvious. Suppose she's not sure he's receiving her messages. To me, that is the more obvious conclusion, particularly considering she's attempted to communicate with him through several different mediums.

Also, I completely disagree that silence communicates a boundary. If he wanted her to stop, a simple direct response for her to cease communications would put an end to this. If she were to then continue in her efforts to communicate after he expressed his wishes for her to stop, THAT would be crossing a boundary. In that case, NC would be appropriate.

It's almost as though the OP is deriving pleasure from her pursuit to reach him; hence the 'I'm so tired of her messaging me,' as he sits back marveling at her continued efforts. This, at minimum, is immature. Also, it's wrong in my eyes. I think the right approach is to respond with courtesy. Then again, I am one for treating others the way I would wish to be treated, with human decency.

I could see if she did something to deserve the silent treatment. I mean, not that I think many things deserve the silent treatment. However, if she cheated, maybe. If she cruelly discarded him or something in the past. If she basically caused him some sort of emotional turmoil warranting that he refuse further contact. Then yeah, makes sense to put up a wall. Otherwise, it seems petty and childish.

Also, you don't have to be in a relationship with someone to suffer emotional abuse from them. Furthermore, just because you haven't spoken to someone in years and/or aren't in a relationship with them doesn't exclude them from being deserving of common courtesy and respect.

The fact that OP is even analyzing his silence demonstrates that he has some reservations about his approach, which is actually good. Shows he has somewhat of a conscience. Now, whether or not he chooses to act out of that good conscience remains to be seen.

June 7, 2015

weirdo, stay away. You'll be thanking yourself later. You have no explaining to do.

she is testing the waters badly and is acting like an addict missing the heroin shot. She needs to feel needed, wanted, desired. And her eyes are on an easy target - YOU. She knows how you work. The moment you respond, you initiate contact. and she is more than able to take that contact and manipulate it in her favor. She KNOWS you.

Hell, block everything. A normal person would have just written you a simple message - "hey, it's xxx, how's things? just wanted to know if you're ok, would like to catch up at some moment. all well with you? hope to hear from you soon"

And leave it there. Simple, straightforward, clear and clean. No fake accounts, no new numbers. Why is she this pushy? Because she is needy. She needs something you have and she doesn't. Your peace of mind. And she's dead set on taking it away from you.

Break NC and she already won.

June 8, 2015

I am not taking too much responsibility for any party and I fully stand by what I stated. Ignoring someone 3x is cowardly and immature. Also, you state if someone ignores you 3x, it's obvious you need to stop contacting the person. Obvious to whom? To you? Um, to me, that's not obvious. Suppose she's not sure he's receiving her messages. To me, that is the more obvious conclusion, particularly considering she's attempted to communicate with him through several different mediums.

Also, I completely disagree that silence communicates a boundary. If he wanted her to stop, a simple direct response for her to cease communications would put an end to this. If she were to then continue in her efforts to communicate after he expressed his wishes for her to stop, THAT would be crossing a boundary. In that case, NC would be appropriate.

It's almost as though the OP is deriving pleasure from her pursuit to reach him; hence the 'I'm so tired of her messaging me,' as he sits back marveling at her continued efforts. This, at minimum, is immature. Also, it's wrong in my eyes. I think the right approach is to respond with courtesy. Then again, I am one for treating others the way I would wish to be treated, with human decency.

I could see if she did something to deserve the silent treatment. I mean, not that I think many things deserve the silent treatment. However, if she cheated, maybe. If she cruelly discarded him or something in the past. If she basically caused him some sort of emotional turmoil warranting that he refuse further contact. Then yeah, makes sense to put up a wall. Otherwise, it seems petty and childish.

Also, you don't have to be in a relationship with someone to suffer emotional abuse from them. Furthermore, just because you haven't spoken to someone in years and/or aren't in a relationship with them doesn't exclude them from being deserving of common courtesy and respect.

The fact that OP is even analyzing his silence demonstrates that he has some reservations about his approach, which is actually good. Shows he has somewhat of a conscience. Now, whether or not he chooses to act out of that good conscience remains to be seen.

Not realizing that a person doesn't want to talk to you after you've tried 3 times (I actually realized it was 4 when I reread the initial post) and gone so far as to create a fake FB account? Really? You would really conclude that the person probably didn't get your message? Especially considering that she's an ex. If anyone isn't showing common courtesy and respect, it's her. And you really think that silence doesn't communicate a boundary? And you really think this is an example of the silent treatment? Really?

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. It's great to treat those as you want to be treated, but you have to balance that with boundaries. She is an ex. She is not a high school friend who dropped off the radar and now wants to reconnect on FB. She knows that he doesn't want to talk to her. If you actually think she doesn't realize this, you are very naive.

Edited June 8, 2015 by BC1980

June 8, 2015

I am not taking too much responsibility for any party and I fully stand by what I stated. Ignoring someone 3x is cowardly and immature. Also, you state if someone ignores you 3x, it's obvious you need to stop contacting the person. Obvious to whom? To you? Um, to me, that's not obvious. Suppose she's not sure he's receiving her messages. To me, that is the more obvious conclusion, particularly considering she's attempted to communicate with him through several different mediums.

Also, I completely disagree that silence communicates a boundary. If he wanted her to stop, a simple direct response for her to cease communications would put an end to this. If she were to then continue in her efforts to communicate after he expressed his wishes for her to stop, THAT would be crossing a boundary. In that case, NC would be appropriate.

It's almost as though the OP is deriving pleasure from her pursuit to reach him; hence the 'I'm so tired of her messaging me,' as he sits back marveling at her continued efforts. This, at minimum, is immature. Also, it's wrong in my eyes. I think the right approach is to respond with courtesy. Then again, I am one for treating others the way I would wish to be treated, with human decency.

I could see if she did something to deserve the silent treatment. I mean, not that I think many things deserve the silent treatment. However, if she cheated, maybe. If she cruelly discarded him or something in the past. If she basically caused him some sort of emotional turmoil warranting that he refuse further contact. Then yeah, makes sense to put up a wall. Otherwise, it seems petty and childish.

Also, you don't have to be in a relationship with someone to suffer emotional abuse from them. Furthermore, just because you haven't spoken to someone in years and/or aren't in a relationship with them doesn't exclude them from being deserving of common courtesy and respect.

The fact that OP is even analyzing his silence demonstrates that he has some reservations about his approach, which is actually good. Shows he has somewhat of a conscience. Now, whether or not he chooses to act out of that good conscience remains to be seen.

To the points in bold:

1. On what basis is it cowardly and immature to not wish to speak with someone? Why is their wish to communicate with me entitled to more respect than my wish to not communicate with them?

2. I think the number of attempts to contact him, especially through a fake FB account, indicate a level of attachment/fixation that is...weird. Basically, she has told him what she wants, namely, to know that they are on good terms. He does not owe her that information. Ergo, he has no reason to respond.

3. Emotional abuse? From refusing to speak to an ex with whom you have broken up two years previously? That's a little OTT, don't you think?

4. My reading of the initial post is that he is not, at all, bothered by his choice to remain incommunicado. He is bothered by her seeming inability to get the message. He wants to know whether it is worth it to break NC to get that point across.

OP: no - it probably isn't. Don't respond.

June 8, 2015

The fact that OP is even analyzing his silence demonstrates that he has some reservations about his approach, which is actually good. Shows he has somewhat of a conscience. Now, whether or not he chooses to act out of that good conscience remains to be seen.

He's analyzing his silence because he wants her contact to stop. Not because he's overly concerned with her feelings. She's annoying him, and he wants it to stop. Never once has he shown any interest in trying to soothe her ego. Not that I blame him. In fact, I agree with what he's been doing, and I think it shows that he has self-respect. She's being annoying and disrespectful, and she knows this. She just broke up with her BF and is looking for the OP as a fallback.

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At what point do you break NC to tell your ex to stop contacting you, if at all?

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