rie39 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Hi all, Would you consider getting back with someone that dumped you? I posted a thread a few weeks ago about a break up with my ex (he broke up with me). I was devastated but I started moving on. Now the tables have turned and he is the emotional one wanting to get back with me. It's only been 1 month since the break up. The reason he broke up with me was because - he wanted to see what else was out there (grass is greener syndrome) - he felt we were too different - he loved me but wasn't in love with me, "didn't feel the spark anymore" Now he says he - doesn't want to see what else is out there anymore, he realises the grass isn't greener [but he hasn't seen anyone else?!] - he feels we are perfect for each other [he realises what we had before wasn't perfect but he wants to start anew and have something better. he says he is no longer the type of guy I didn't like who used to go to raves and such, and also says he likes the new me, as I've started going out more, like clubbing and such, which I didn't like to do before] - he's really in love with me now He says he feels like a jerk for letting me go, he's sincerely sorry, he promises he won't change his mind again, he can't bear to see me with someone else, he knows he did wrong and is trying hard to make it work again. I have no doubt that his feelings are really genuine, and that things could be great again, but I am concerned that if we were to get back together, that we'd break up again down the line. Because he hasn't dated anyone else, and it's only been 1 month of NC, how can he know what else is out there? And we've broken up many times before. And he can't promise his feelings won't change again, because feelings can't be controlled like that? I think when this happens there's a real issue of trust from the dumpee's side. When they've been hurt it's hard for them to trust that the dumper won't hurt them again... 1
DexterLS Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 If he has broken up with you before, I don't see why he will not do it again, in the future. I wouldn't trust all the things he said to win you back either but, then, I am a pessimist. It all depends on what YOU want and if you can trust him again.
Pastmen Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I'd say that if you still like him and you've always hoped that he would come back, then you should go back with him. Because that's what makes you happy now. But that you're now doubting your decision says already a lot. You've lost your trust for this guy and you're basically asking us for a confirmation that you shouldn't get back together with him. Maybe he wanted to get out of the relationship and find other girls but failed. And now he is feeling lonely and is trying to get back to you. But then you are kind of his doormat and you let him decide everything about you. If you can, stay strong and don't get back with him because if you get back with him now he knows you're that easy to win back and he will be more tempted to pull the same thing off later as he did now. My advice is to find your self worth and feel good that he now wants you back but don't get back with him. There are so many guys in the world and he screwed up. Maybe you will get back together sometime but now one month past BU it's just not the time for the both of you. 1
Moley87 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 By reading your thread, it sounds like you don't really want him back. It does sound like the dumper has maybe regretted what he has done but someone won't change within 1 month You have the control now, if you love the guy and you can trust him not doing it again then worth the second chance , if not good time to walk !
aloneinaz Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 No I wouldn't and didn't when my dumper came back for me. He's clearly FAILED being single again. He thought he would have a lot of success being single and hasn't. Now he's scared he may be alone for a while so he's SETTLING for you again cause he's lonely and horny. He dumped you and will again. Don't be his door mat.
Aurora_227 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 If you do want to get back with him, make him work for it. As in, let him be patient as you slowly get to know each other again. I know it's only been a month, but sometimes when people are instantly given what they want, they don't have to appreciate what they lost. Give him time. And if you really want him to see what else is out there to ensure that you are what he wants, you could also ask him to go on a date or two with someone else. That might seem contradictory to what you want, but I made a promise to myself that if my ex came back (he broke up with me for reasons similar to my ex), that is what I would do. Because sure, that fear of him leaving again is a valid one. However, no matter what, I would still tell him you need time (no matter what you intend to do). Let him sweat it a little. Good luck and I hope you find your happiness!
Yummm Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Wow.. tough situation, seems like a 'dream come true' for alot of fresh dumpee's... You need to think logically here: - How was the relationship previously? Was it toxic or did it really have potential? - Are you prepared to risk the feeling of heartbreak again from the same guy? You stated that you're moving on, meaning you know you'll be fine without him. I would suggest making him work his @ss off for it, see how much he really wants you, gauge the situation, but the best would be to tell him to move on.
dumbass2 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 "Because he hasn't dated anyone else, and it's only been 1 month of NC, how can he know what else is out there? And we've broken up many times before." This is your answer. He still doesn't know if there is someone out there better for him than you. One thing you do know for certain, he does not think that you are the "one" or else he wouldn't have thought twice about leaving. When someone mentions this as a reason for breaking up, you've gotta let them just go and they have to experience it. Just dating someone even once or twice or going on a few single dates isn't going to give this person a better idea if you are the best one for him. Maybe if he tries to connect again after you know he was in a 6 month relationship with someone else. You also need to ask yourself, is he the best one for you? How about you going out and finding a better partner than him?
Author rie39 Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 He still doesn't know if there is someone out there better for him than you. One thing you do know for certain, he does not think that you are the "one" or else he wouldn't have thought twice about I've told him many times that he doesn't know what else is out there. He just gets really upset and tells me he doesn't want anyone else. He tells me to stop repeating it because he absolutely doesn't want to see what else is out there anymore!
DexterLS Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I've told him many times that he doesn't know what else is out there. He just gets really upset and tells me he doesn't want anyone else. He tells me to stop repeating it because he absolutely doesn't want to see what else is out there anymore! Trust me, he is not a guy you want in your life. Not now. Please stick with NC.
dyna85 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 This is a really tough one. Obviously you know what is absolutely best for you, but I would be skeptical too, given that you've been off and on many times and he's seemingly come full circle after one month. Seems to be a case of the 'I-don't-know-what-I-want' and maybe this is his way of seeking relief from the withdrawal. I would say the likelihood is high that he won't live up to sudden changed perspective. Then again, not to inspire false hope, but Adam Levine broke up with his wife one month before returning and proposing to her. In all sincerity though, you know this merry go round cycle usually doesn't end well. I know it's unfortunate and ideally, you'd get back together and everything would change for the better. However, if I were a magic 8 ball, I would read 'outlook not so good.'
ravfour4 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Here's what happened - there were things about you and/or the relationship he no longer liked and broke up with you, excited to find something better. Then he realized, not every girl loves him and he probably couldn't find anyone else. Now he wants to come back because you are much better than no one and he's scared he'll never find anyone else again. In a way, you were his back-up plan. That being said, I've seen scenarios like this work out successfully, it just matters what he's thinking. Did he really realize that the things that bugged him about you were stupid and that you're the one? Or is he just scared he can't find anyone else? If it's the former, you have a chance. If it's the latter, he'll probably feel that same way again later on.
Meli22 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 (edited) It sounds like he didn't know what he had until it was gone. Tends to happen a lot. If I really loved him and wanted him back, I'd consider it but I'd be very wary. He broke up with you once before for no logical reason (probably took you for granted and felt bored), so he could do it again. Weigh it all up this sort of happened to me where my ex was questioning his feelings and basically felt he could do better. It all hit him suddenly and he came back, but as soon as he had me back these doubts came back over him. It was like he took me for granted straight away. Everyone is different though. Edited June 7, 2015 by Meli22
Author rie39 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 In a way, you were his back-up plan. That being said, I've seen scenarios like this work out successfully, it just matters what he's thinking. Did he really realize that the things that bugged him about you were stupid and that you're the one? Or is he just scared he can't find anyone else? If it's the former, you have a chance. If it's the latter, he'll probably feel that same way again later on. He tells me that it's not because he doesn't think he can do better. I asked him.
wizer Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 He tells me that it's not because he doesn't think he can do better. I asked him. Don't take anything he says seriously. He has no idea what he wants. For now, it's you. Next month, he'll want out again and you'll be back here posting that things were great for a week and then he said he can't do it anymore.
mightycpa Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 He tells me that it's not because he doesn't think he can do better. I asked him. How did that conversation go? Oh, no, I can definitely do better... But I want you anyway! hoo-boy!
Author rie39 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 How did that conversation go? hoo-boy! He was upset that I asked. He said he thinks he can et another girl if he wanted but he wants me.
wizer Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 He was upset that I asked. He said he thinks he can et another girl if he wanted but he wants me. He's upset because you asked him why he broke up with you. Nice.
Author rie39 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 He's upset because you asked him why he broke up with you. Nice. No no, he was upset I asked if the reason he wants to get back with me is because he thinks he can't do better.
mightycpa Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 he promises he won't change his mind again,he can't bear to see me with someone else,he knows he did wrong andis trying hard to make it work again. As you say, he can't really promise that. It may be that his turnaround is more about jealously than love. I'm not sure he did anything wrong if he was sincere about his reasons. In fact, it beats the hell out of cheating on you. I'm not sure why he needs to try hard to make it work again. It seems that this is pretty much up to you. The awful truth is that nobody can really promise to love us forever, even if he never left you. So in this respect, nothing has really changed, except that he has demonstrated to you that he has what it takes to leave you if he thinks that's the right thing to do. You might do well to ask him what it is that he thinks is so great about you that he wants to come back. I think the answer to your question will be in his answer to you.
ravfour4 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I don't think he's going to admit, "yeah, I tried hooking up with like 4 other girls and they all denied me so that's why I'm back". He may not even know if that's the reason or not. He may just have tried and tried and then all of a sudden after no success, felt like he loved you again and took it as a sign that he should get back with you, when in reality, those feelings may just be a consequence of his loneliness and inability to find someone else. The better way to get at the answer is to ask him why he wants to get back together with you? Unless he mentions things about you personally, it's probably for selfish reasons aka not the right reasons. Also, 3 weeks ago my ex came back saying she wouldn't go back to the guy she was with and she was choosing between me and being single, then she went back. People just say what they know you want to hear when they're desperate and want you back. If you want to give it a second try, take it very slow and pay attention to his actions, not his words.
wizer Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 No no, he was upset I asked if the reason he wants to get back with me is because he thinks he can't do better. He's upset because you asked him why he decided to get back together. Nice.
Author rie39 Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 He's upset because you asked him why he decided to get back together. Nice. So what's your point here? haha.
mystikmind2005 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Mostly i would say everyone deserves a second chance, but in order to do that, you really need to fully understand why they broke up with you to begin with, but the genius (moron) is resisting helping you do that, so tell him to get lost.
wizer Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 So what's your point here? haha. He lacks compassion to say the least.
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