Surprised My Girlfriend

June 8, 2015

Completely agree with blueiris. The OP is controlling and he seems to think he is best placed deciding what's best for his GF rather herself. Unless I shared a house with a guy, I wouldn't take kindly to his just turning up while I wasn't around and decide to make all sorts of 'kind gestures' which would be just an attempt to assert control really.

If I were the OP, I would have RESPECTED my SO's need for space and would have left after dropping her off at home. I wouldn't have needed to be told TWICE. First time being her text hoping the OP wouldn't be at the airport in the first place.

This is needy, clingy, controlling and codependent behaviour. She will dump you if you keep suffocating her with 'kindness' thinking YOU know better what she needs.

June 8, 2015

Completely agree with blueiris. The OP is controlling and he seems to think he is best placed deciding what's best for his GF rather herself. Unless I shared a house with a guy, I wouldn't take kindly to his just turning up while I wasn't around and decide to make all sorts of 'kind gestures' which would be just an attempt to assert control really.

If I were the OP, I would have RESPECTED my SO's need for space and would have left after dropping her off at home. I wouldn't have needed to be told TWICE. First time being her text hoping the OP wouldn't be at the airport in the first place.

This is needy, clingy, controlling and codependent behaviour. She will dump you if you keep suffocating her with 'kindness' thinking YOU know better what she needs.

All couples I've ever known usually get picked up at the airport by their SO.

I think it's a stretch to call him needy and clingy, a lot of people do this kind of thing. Not a stretch by any means for 3 years.

She didn't give him much heads up that she didn't want to be surprised either. Being a minute from baggage claim isn't exactly advance notice.

I'm boggled at how many women here think surprising your GF at the airport is being Needy/Clingy I always thought Women liked little surprises of affection moreso than Men. I guess not.

Oh well a week from now Women on LS will be complaining that guys aren't "into them" enough.

June 8, 2015

[quote=barcode88;6368497

If she was invested in this relationship, she wouldn't have acted the way she did, even if she wasn't a huge fan of surprises. She might tell him later that she doesn't like it, but she wouldn't try and make him feel BAD about it. Which she did.

I can't believe Women sometimes, one day they want flowers and signs of affection, and then the next day they think surprising you after being gone for a few weeks is the most terrible thing in the world!

================================================

BC... I do love surprises, just not all the time and if my boyfriend made it a habit of showing up unannounced, I would not like it. So personally I would have told him NOT to show up, and then none of this would be happening.

So I agree, that is on HER for not doing that. However, in her defense they did make plans to get together the following day, which he disregarded and instead to chose to surprise her. Which annoyed her.

That said, personally, I would have loved for my boyfriend to greet me at airport, and because of that I would have asked him to pick me up!

I think this is what most women would do as well.

As to why she needed lone time after her trip, sans boyfriend, who knows? Perhaps she IS checking out...

But she had a boundary (don't meet me at check out) and crossed that boundary by showing up anyway.... thus disrespecting her.

Again, for ME...I would have LOVED for my bf to greet me at the airport and we would have PLANNED for that to happen.

But she did not, and he should have respected that IMO.

June 8, 2015

I think there is more to this story than what was told. They most likely had issues in their relationship and the problem here is not the picking up at the airport or whether or not she likes surprises. She even mentioned in her text that they're not OK and what happened that day confirms it. We can only speculate as to what's really behind this incident, but clearly it's not something isolated and it's not really about this particular 'surprise'.

June 8, 2015

Completely agree with blueiris. The OP is controlling and he seems to think he is best placed deciding what's best for his GF rather herself. Unless I shared a house with a guy, I wouldn't take kindly to his just turning up while I wasn't around and decide to make all sorts of 'kind gestures' which would be just an attempt to assert control really.

If I were the OP, I would have RESPECTED my SO's need for space and would have left after dropping her off at home. I wouldn't have needed to be told TWICE. First time being her text hoping the OP wouldn't be at the airport in the first place.

This is needy, clingy, controlling and codependent behaviour. She will dump you if you keep suffocating her with 'kindness' thinking YOU know better what she needs.

I will say this, though, Emilia… OP is not even close to some of the other posters, given what he’s posted. I’d hate to assign their stereotyping, irrationality in the name of rationality, name-calling (of the GF), and defensiveness to OP. But, sometimes extreme examples can be enlightening.

June 8, 2015

I think there is more to this story than what was told. They most likely had issues in their relationship and the problem here is not the picking up at the airport or whether or not she likes surprises. She even mentioned in her text that they're not OK and what happened that day confirms it. We can only speculate as to what's really behind this incident, but clearly it's not something isolated.

Exactly. I think people are getting ahead of themselves here, blaming their opposite gender. There really isn't a lot of information to go on. They've been together 3 years. He apparently has a history of "surprising" her, which she doesn't like? But who knows what the details are there. They are somewhat long distance. The texts indicated many underlying issues. A loving, happy GF doesn't just turn on a dime and act cold.

Something else is going on here.

June 8, 2015

All couples I've ever known usually get picked up at the airport by their SO.

I think it's a stretch to call him needy and clingy, a lot of people do this kind of thing. Not a stretch by any means for 3 years.

She didn't give him much heads up that she didn't want to be surprised either. Being a minute from baggage claim isn't exactly advance notice.

I'm boggled at how many women here think surprising your GF at the airport is being Needy/Clingy I always thought Women liked little surprises of affection moreso than Men. I guess not.

Oh well a week from now Women on LS will be complaining that guys aren't "into them" enough.

If a man texted me that he hoped I wouldn't be surprising him after having done it before, i would search good and hard whether I had an adult take on the relationship respecting the way he wants to be in a relationship rather than forcing my ways on him.

A person should have a choice, 'most couples' is a dumb argument. People are individuals with their own wants and needs, they have the right to be that way, people aren't your play thing. What do you even mean she left the text late. I would be EMBARRASSED if a man had to tell me this way I was suffocating him. That would imply I wasn't intelligent enough to recognise boundaries. Why would she be obliged to pre-empt the situation?

Like I said, control is not love. You need to learn the difference.

June 8, 2015

Thank you everyone for all of the advice. I really appreciate the help, and I do know that I should have had a better idea about how she would handle the surprise. Thing is, I've surprised her many times before. I've shown up at her house before she got home from work and had the house cleaned up and had dinner ready, etc. She's always appreciated that in the past.

This morning we traded these texts:

Her: Good morning
Me: Good morning! (trying to show that I'm over it with some excitement lol)
Her: The weather is gross out today
Me: If you want to come over, the new theatre by my house has a movie at 1pm and 4pm that we'd both like. We can grab dinner after (I'm not driving back the 45 min to her house after she asked me to leave yesterday)
Her: That's a very kind offer, I'm worried about driving in this weather though (there's a 40% chance of rain)
Her: I'll keep you posted
Me: Sounds good
Her: So does this mean you aren't mad at me anymore?
Me: We're fine
Her: Yeah that didn't answer the question but I'll keep you posted on the movie
Me: I'm not trying to be evasive, I meant everything is ok I'm not mad
Her: I'm not going to make the 1pm movie, you should go though (why the hell would I go to a movie alone?)
Her: Hun, I don't think it's a good idea for me to come over today. I still feel weird about yesterday (using the word Hun... supposed to be affectionate??? )
Me: That's ok, I understand
Her: You should still go (again... what!!)
Me: I'm going to hang at home, watch baseball, then go to the gym later
Her: You really have no clue how I feel. We're not ok and yesterday showed that more clearly than before. So go ahead and watch your game and have a great day. I'm going back to bed

Ugh... What a mess. How should I take THIS?

This doesn't look good.

I recognize this from being in her position sort of.

Last year I felt like my interactions with my ex were this way before I broke it off with him.

While I get not liking surprises, I think when your woman is really into you, she may not appreciate all surprises, but seeing your face at baggage claim should brighten her up. Her response was the total opposite. Last year, I was on the last leg of my relationship with my ex. I was away for 3 months during the summer in another country for research for my grad program and we kept in contact but the longer we were apart the more I realized I was happier without him. I did mention to him many times though that I thought we weren't a good match...hinting at the fact that I wanted to break up but he didn't get it, I said the same thing actually that "We're not okay". I didn't want to do it while on the trip, and I remember I didn't even want him to pick me up at the airport but he insisted. I didn't react like your gf, I was more talkative, but I was not thrilled and happy as I would have been had things been good between us.

The following month or so between us was trying, I realized I was a little passive aggressive, I realize I no longer had much to say to him and much of our drives would be in silence, I realized when he went home I was happier, I then couldn't take it anymore and broke it off with him.

To me, it sounds like your gf wants to break up with you but doesn't know how or is hoping you'll realize and feel the same. Her not being happy to see you, wanting you to leave, saying she doesn't want to come over, saying you're not okay and encouraging you to do stuff alone (and esp if you've been having communication issues previously) are the harbingers of things coming to an end. I'd suggest you just ask her frankly if that's what she wants or if she's unhappy in the relationship, she'll either say no and then you guys can open a space to then work on it if it's fixable or she'll be relieved and admit it.

June 8, 2015

My girlfriend and I have been dating for close to three years,
I moved closer (about 45 min away) to attend graduate school.

Anyways, she was gone for a week doing a training out west. I hadn't seen her in almost two weeks.

Ok, he lives 45 minutes away and both have cars, they have been seeing each other bf/gf for 3 years,

He hasn't seen her in a week??? and then she goes on a training course for a week, so he doesn't see her for 2 weeks!

He surprises her and she goes off on one and she wants to be alone...

I may be thinking weirdly here but what sort of a relationship is it that is so hands off after 3 long years together?

June 8, 2015

It's possible that she doesn't talk enough. In that case the OP should decide whether he wants to be with someone like that. Not just keep doing what he wants. If it's not good enough for him, he should walk.

June 8, 2015

Ok, he lives 45 minutes away and both have cars, they have been seeing each other bf/gf for 3 years,
He hasn't seen her in a week??? and then she goes on a training course for a week, so he doesn't see her for 2 weeks!
He surprises her and she goes off on one and she wants to be alone...
I may be thinking weirdly here but what sort of a relationship is it that is so hands off after 3 long years together?

Sounds like it was an LDR before. Maybe they didn't spend that much time together

June 8, 2015

Exactly. I think people are getting ahead of themselves here, blaming their opposite gender. There really isn't a lot of information to go on. They've been together 3 years. He apparently has a history of "surprising" her, which she doesn't like? But who knows what the details are there. They are somewhat long distance. The texts indicated many underlying issues. A loving, happy GF doesn't just turn on a dime and act cold.

Something else is going on here.

Why are people automatically assuming that she hates surprises in general? The fact that she knew he'd probably surprise her implies a trend in the past. Now if she hated surprises overall, that trend would have never developed. She would have let him know in the past that she hated surprises. So he'd know better than to show up at the airport. I think the fact that he is so shocked by her reaction, indicates that it wasn't a typical response to being surprised. I think she just had an issue with this one particular surprise.

But the part of your post I really liked is calling attention to the extreme state shift of her behavior out of nowhere. Personally, I think it probably had to do with her wanting some alone time to prepare for the break up. So when she had to see him earlier than expected, not getting that prep time really rattled her.

June 8, 2015

Why are people automatically assuming that she hates surprises in general? The fact that she knew he'd probably surprise her implies a trend in the past. Now if she hated surprises overall, that trend would have never developed. She would have let him know in the past that she hated surprises. So he'd know better than to show up at the airport. I think the fact that he is so shocked by her reaction, indicates that it wasn't a typical response to being surprised. I think she just had an issue with this one particular surprise.

But the part of your post I really liked is calling attention to the extreme state shift of her behavior out of nowhere. Personally, I think it probably had to do with her wanting some alone time to prepare for the break up. So when she had to see him earlier than expected, not getting that prep time really rattled her.

Re bold... one would hope but you never know.

She sounds a bit passive-aggressive as well!

There is more to this than meets the eye.

June 8, 2015

My girlfriend and I have been dating for close to three years, and we met online. Here's a little bit of background... We lived two hours apart for a year, then I moved closer (about 45 min away) to attend graduate school. My two years of graduate school are finished, and I am currently looking for jobs. She owns her home, and has a good job where she lives.

Anyways, she was gone for a week doing a training out west. I hadn't seen her in almost two weeks, so I decided to surprise her at the airport. Her flight landed much earlier than scheduled, and she texted me "I landed." I was minutes away from the baggage claim area where I was going to surprise her. She then texts "you're not going to surprise me at baggage claim, are you?" My reply, not wanting to give away my surprise was "I wish!" Anyways, I did surprise her, and she didn't seem excited at all to see me. No hug, kiss, etc.

This caught me completely off guard. We had agreed through text a day or two earlier to see each other the next day, not the day she was going to get back. I drove her to her car in the long term parking, and we didn't say much in the car. I followed her back to her house, and we decided to run some errands. She didn't say much this entire time, and I could tell she wasn't thrilled to see me. I cooked her dinner on her grill, and we ate dinner. Then it came out. She said she doesn't like to be surprised, and that I lied to her telling her I wasn't at the baggage claim via text. I simply said that I would leave, which I did. I drove the 45 minutes home. Then she calls me on my drive home, again saying that she had a bad day due to a long flight and just wanted to come home, unpack, watch TV, and go to bed. I understand this, I often feel the same way when returning form a long trip.

I left her house pretty confused and hurt. Is it wrong that I wanted to surprise her at the airport? Wouldn't most girls be happy to see their boyfriend after a long trip? And have him cook her dinner?

I told her... Put the shoe on the other foot. If she were to surprise me at my apartment (she has before) and I were to ask her to leave, how would she feel? Well, I know how this would go. She would be angry, spiteful, and hold it against me.

Okay, then, about 10 minutes ago, I get this text: "Am I to assume I won't see you tomorrow?" Is she expecting me to drive back the 45 minutes to see her again?

I do love her, but I don't know what to do here. We continue to have communication issues and her moods always confuse me. I just can't figure out which girlfriend I'm going to get anymore. She's so unpredictable this last year or so.

What should I make of this? Ugh...

"My girlfriend and I have been dating for close to three years," -- You've simply been "dating" for three years? Has there been any talk of engagement/marriage?

If I've been dating someone for three years and hoping for marriage, I'm going to start getting a little tired of a relationship that's going no where. When is the last time you two talked about relationship/life goals and what is and isn't working for each of you. You two may be operating on auto pilot at this point.

It may simply be time to open a conversation to find out if she is satisfied with the relationship in general and what her expectations/needs and wants are now.

June 8, 2015

This kind of conversation should happen periodically in a long-term relationship to make sure the couple is still on the same page, identify possible problems in the relationship that aren't being addressed for various reasons and to check the "temperature" of the relationship. Sometimes when a couple is just comfortable and operating on auto pilot, they just don't communicate well anymore.

June 8, 2015

"My girlfriend and I have been dating for close to three years," -- You've simply been "dating" for three years? Has there been any talk of engagement/marriage?

If I've been dating someone for three years and hoping for marriage, I'm going to start getting a little tired of a relationship that's going no where. When is the last time you two talked about relationship/life goals and what is and isn't working for each of you. You two may be operating on auto pilot at this point.

It may simply be time to open a conversation to find out if she is satisfied with the relationship in general and what her expectations/needs and wants are now.

^^^ Had the same thoughts. I just said in my post that we can only speculate of what's going on but if I were to speculate, that's exactly what crossed my mind.

But if it was me, "just" dating for 3 years and if by then I was asking for more progress, I'd be sick and tired of my man showing up at the airport as a way to be nice, while not giving me more commitment. Like Jennifer Aniston yelled at Ben Affleck in the "It's just not that into you". "Stop doing anything nice if you're not going to marry me after!" But that's pure speculation and just one of the possible scenarios. A likely one though.

June 8, 2015

It's unfair to the OP to speculate negatively towards his character. Personally based on what we know I hold the GF more responsible.

I think we're getting into Gender Wars here, Women backing up the Woman, personally I don't see why we don't give the OP (fellow LS member) the benefit of the doubt?

I'm honestly surprised how many Women here think the guy did something so terrible... Yes she DID say not to surprise her, but she did it at the very last minute (literally) it was like she was just using it as an excuse to be mad at him -- he was already there! (and she probably knew)

Edited June 8, 2015 by barcode88

June 8, 2015

Q47 was our hydra and they trolled this thread pretty good so I deleted around 30 posts. There may be a few hanging quotes from members in good standing so apologies for that and for letting the hydra go as far as they did. I just came on and hydra hunting is usually my first job after spam.

The thread starter hasn't posted for a day so please keep any comments to the topic they started and avoid tangents and, if a post seems like it's a troll, ignore it and report it to moderation. Thanks in advance for your cooperation with this moderation directive.

June 8, 2015

It's unfair to the OP to speculate negatively towards his character. Personally based on what we know I hold the GF more responsible.

I think we're getting into Gender Wars here, Women backing up the Woman, personally I don't see why we don't give the OP (fellow LS member) the benefit of the doubt?

I'm honestly surprised how many Women here think the guy did something so terrible... Yes she DID say not to surprise her, but she did it at the very last minute (literally) it was like she was just using it as an excuse to be mad at him -- he was already there! (and she probably knew)

The original post says: “We had agreed through text a day or two earlier to see each other the next day, not the day she was going to get back.” So no, it wasn’t last minute. He’d agreed earlier.

I didn’t say he was “terrible.” Pointing out errors is not “painting someone black.” Hearing explanation or critique as total damnation can prevent us from learning.

June 8, 2015

The original post says: “We had agreed through text a day or two earlier to see each other the next day, not the day she was going to get back.” So no, it wasn’t last minute. He’d agreed earlier.

I didn’t say he was “terrible.” Pointing out errors is not “painting someone black.” Hearing explanation or critique as total damnation can prevent us from learning.

I just read that as they had plans, not that he was forbidden from surprising her.

The remark that he wasn't to surprise her came at the last second when he was already at baggage claim, and she was probably just getting off the plane... That's a bit late imo to hold against someone.

Also like FF said, it sounds like her being mad at being surprised (its implied he's done this in the past) is uncharacteristic of her usual self and the OP was surprised that she was upset about it.

June 8, 2015

I just read that as they had plans, not that he was forbidden from surprising her.

The remark that he wasn't to surprise her came at the last second when he was already at baggage claim, and she was probably just getting off the plane... That's a bit late imo to hold against someone.

Also like FF said, it sounds like her being mad at being surprised (its implied he's done this in the past) is uncharacteristic of her and the OP was surprised that she was upset about it.

It shouldn't have come to her pre-emptive text. It's embarrassing.

June 8, 2015

Part of the problem here too may be that he did something intended to be nice for her, but it was really about what HE wanted to do for her, not something she would have wanted or liked.

Men do this sometimes. They do what they THINK she will like, not what he knows she would like. Not only that, he may simply be finding out for the first time that she doesn't like surprises. If they aren't communicating very well anyway, he may already have had a heads up about this kind of thing in the past and overlooked or forgotten about it.

It also didn't make sense for him to drive to the airport when she had a car there anyway. And, when he realized she wasn't thrilled with being surprised and she did tlel him that then, he added insult to injury basically by continuing on to her house. It would have made more sense for him to go home and then visit her the next day as planned. This surprise wasn't really about surprising her as much as it was about his missing her and doing what he wanted to do.

I do think she should have handled it better though. She should have said something like "I really appreciate you're being here and I missed you, but I'm very tired and want to go home and re-group. I'd love to have you come by tomorrow as planned". She was probably really tired and just not thinking straight at the moment.

June 8, 2015

Part of the problem here too may be that he did something intended to be nice for her, but it was really about what HE wanted to do for her, not something she would have wanted or liked.

Men do this sometimes. They do what they THINK she will like, not what he knows she would like. Not only that, he may simply be finding out for the first time that she doesn't like surprises. If they aren't communicating very well anyway, he may already have had a heads up about this kind of thing in the past and overlooked or forgotten about it.

It also didn't make sense for him to drive to the airport when she had a car there anyway. And, when he realized she wasn't thrilled with being surprised and she did tlel him that then, he added insult to injury basically by continuing on to her house. It would have made more sense for him to go home and then visit her the next day as planned. This surprise wasn't really about surprising her as much as it was about his missing her and doing what he wanted to do.

I do think she should have handled it better though. She should have said something like "I really appreciate you're being here and I missed you, but I'm very tired and want to go home and re-group. I'd love to have you come by tomorrow as planned". She was probably really tired and just not thinking straight at the moment.

He didn't take the likelihood that she would be exhausted into account before he did that. He himself said he knows how it feels after a trip for him.

June 8, 2015

I just read that as they had plans, not that he was forbidden from surprising her.

The remark that he wasn't to surprise her came at the last second when he was already at baggage claim, and she was probably just getting off the plane... That's a bit late imo to hold against someone.

Also like FF said, it sounds like her being mad at being surprised (its implied he's done this in the past) is uncharacteristic of her usual self and the OP was surprised that she was upset about it.

That was not your argument. Your argument was that she was acting last minute. NOW you're saying that she should have said she forbade it?

She relied upon his word. They made plans. Maybe (=speculation) he said something after that conversation that made her suspect he had changed his plans?

At best this is a communication issue. They ought to be talking and not texting, at minimum. Tone is so important.

June 8, 2015

Part of the problem here too may be that he did something intended to be nice for her, but it was really about what HE wanted to do for her, not something she would have wanted or liked.

That is what I said...and I was shot down for it by the now-deleted hydra!

Obviously I agree!

Edited June 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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