Surprised My Girlfriend

June 8, 2015

Also something to think about.

Why do you feel the need to always surprise her? You said this was not the first time, which I suspected anyway as indicated by her comment "you're NOT going to surprise me, are you"? She must have suspected you might...based on past experience with you.

Are you doing it for HER? Or more for yourself? Wanting to be " nice" and hoping you get rewarded for that niceness?

Surprises give the appearance of doing it for the other person, when in reality it is really done more for the person doing the surprising. Hoping to be rewarded for it in some way shape or form. Not always but often enough to consider.

Edited June 8, 2015 by katiegrl

June 8, 2015

Also something to think about.

Why do you feel the need to always surprise her? You said this was not the first time, which I suspected anyway as indicated by her comment "you're NOT going to surprise me, are you"? She must have suspected you might...based on past experience with you.

Are you doing it for HER? Or more for yourself? Wanting to be " nice" and hoping you get rewarded for that niceness?

Surprises give the appearance of doing it for the other person, when in reality it is really done more for the person doing the surprising. Hoping to be rewarded for it in some way shape or form. Not always but often enough to consider.

I actually don't think the surprise is the big issue here. As to WHY he did it, that is irrelevant. As Humans we like being nice to other people because it makes us feel good in return.

If you've been going out for 3 years you should be thrilled to be surprised nonetheless. Most Women would LOVE to be surprised like that by their boyfriend of 3 years - and even if they didn't like surprises they would act a heck of a lot warmer than the cold bitch dragged out of hell that she behaved like.

The bigger issue is that the OP has no spine to stand up to her bull****.

Edited June 8, 2015 by barcode88

June 8, 2015

You said exactly what I was thinking Katie. In his 2nd post when he is texting with his GF and acts like everything is fine, he is being a huge wuss.

He should have told her No, we're not on for tomorrow I have other things to do.... Instead he pretends like nothing's wrong and goes running into her arms like a little bitch, only for her to kick him in the balls. He could have cancelled the date on HIS terms, but instead let her cancel it on HER terms.

She's losing respect for him as a man that's for sure. Sometimes you need to call a girl out on her **** (like this) to make her respect you. OP is letting her walk all over him.

OP I know this sounds harsh but I'm not trying to degrade you here, I'm just trying to colorfully illustrate how I see things.

Thanks for agreeing..but how do you get that her reaction is "shyt" that needs to be called out on?

She had every right to be pissed off..he disrespected her desire NOT to be surprised and went ahead and surprised her anyway....which is wrong.

He has no backbone because he falls all over her, bending over backwards trying to please her..it's suffocating and too much!

And his passive aggression in making like everything is fine, when it's NOT fine.

He needs to tell HER that no everything is NOT fine...that he understands he overstepped boundaries...but that she needs to be more clear about what her boundaries are so he knows not to overstep in the future. Instead of sulking and getting moody.

Lol, is that what you meant by calling her out on her shyt? Maybe it was... in which case I just answered my own question to you above!

June 8, 2015

I actually don't think the surprise is the big issue here. As to WHY he did it, that is irrelevant. As Humans we like being nice to other people because it makes us feel good in return.

If you've been going out for 3 years you should be thrilled to be surprised nonetheless. Most Women would LOVE to be surprised like that by their boyfriend of 3 years - and even if they didn't like surprises they would act a heck of a lot warmer than the cold bitch dragged out of hell that she behaved like.

The bigger issue is that the OP has no spine to stand up to her bull****.

Actually, as a woman no I don't think as many women like to be surprised like that the way you think.

Read preraphs post again...

But I agree this issue goes deeper than this one surprise.

June 8, 2015

Actually, as a woman no I don't think as many women like to be surprised like that the way you think.

Read preraphs post again...

But I agree this issue goes deeper than this one surprise.

Katie I know for a fact most women love romantic sentimental **** and signs of affection. So maybe you don't like it, but I don't think a minority of Women should be giving minority advice when most Women should be thrilled to see their boyfriend after 2 weeks of being gone (especially for a 3 year relationship!)

Ever seen the movie Love Actually? I can't make it through the holidays without about every Woman I know in my life talking about how great that movie is at Christmas time, and the movie starts and ends with loved ones surprising each other at the airport.

The only reason this girl probably didn't like it (sounds like the OP did it before and it was received better) is because she is checking out of the relationship. Reason? Unknown. But the OP letting her **** all over him and not standing up to her BS probably doesn't help.

June 8, 2015

Is it wrong that I wanted to surprise her at the airport? Wouldn't most girls be happy to see their boyfriend after a long trip? And have him cook her dinner?

It's not "wrong" but it also isn't what she wanted and you did mislead her. She made it clear she didn't want you to meet her at the airport.

It doesn't matter what most people like or most girls like (if you could even know that, which you can't). What matters is what she likes. Thinking or telling her how you think he or she should be is relationship poison.

Personally, no, I wouldn't want to see my BF after a long trip. I'd want to get home, unpack, get a good night's sleep and recharge.

June 8, 2015

It's not "wrong" but it also isn't what she wanted and you did mislead her. She made it clear she didn't want you to meet her at the airport.

It doesn't matter what most people like or most girls like (if you could even know that, which you can't). What matters is what she likes. Thinking or telling her how you think he or she should be is relationship poison.

Personally, no, I wouldn't want to see my BF after a long trip. I'd want to get home, unpack, get a good night's sleep and recharge.

Yes but if your BF did surprise you (even if you told him not to, but he was already at the airport), how would you act?

How would you feel if you surprised your BF and he did what the OP's girlfriend did?

June 8, 2015

example-

its my birthday coming up. i tell my girl friend i don't want anything. she then plans a nice birthday surprise/gift etc.

then i get mad at her and act cold to her. according to katie she deserved it haha cos she didnt listen to me hmmmm

June 8, 2015

Most of the Women on here vilifying this guy would probably think different if we flipped the script on them.

Surprises are a way of showing affection for a person you care about... Even if the surprises don't go as planned, you will put up with it if you care about the other person.

The OP's GF comes off as being a cold bitch who crawled out of the cracks of hell.... Yeah it's a breakup coming.

This is likely the only reason she didn't want to be surprised she would rather not let him be a caring boyfriend who surprises her. Instead she will tell him NOT to surprise her so suddenly he's the BAD GUY! Now she'll tell her friends about how terrible he is, blah blah.

Granted the OP needs to grow a spine and not put up with it.

Edited June 8, 2015 by barcode88

June 8, 2015

spot on! flip the script and see how the girls on here are different.

its always the same- one rule for men another for women. no one here is objective

June 8, 2015

The only reason this girl probably didn't like it (sounds like the OP did it before and it was received better) is because she is checking out of the relationship. Reason? Unknown. But the OP letting her **** all over him and not standing up to her BS probably doesn't help.

After 2 weeks away and a 3 year relationship and she was mad that he surprised her at the airport???

I, like you, am highly suspicious.

I had a friend who cheated on her bf, she used to contact him a lot and ask where he was nonchalantly or suss out if he was going to "surprise" her. He thought she loved him and she just wanted to keep contact with him in a cute way, but in reality she was clearing the path for her and her OM to meet up. She didn't want any surprises either and if the bf said he was anywhere near home or where she and OM happened to be, the OM left her side pretty promptly.

OP

I am not saying she IS cheating here, but after 2 weeks away, she should be spending the afternoon in bed with you, because she is desperate for your company and she missed you, not sulking and giving you annoyed texts and demanding "space".

JMO

June 8, 2015

Most of the Women on here vilifying this guy would probably think different if we flipped the script on them.

Surprises are a way of showing affection for a person you care about... Even if the surprises don't go as planned, you will put up with it if you care about the other person.

The OP's GF comes off as being a cold bitch who crawled out of the cracks of hell.... Yeah it's a breakup coming.

This is likely the only reason she didn't want to be surprised she would rather not let him be a caring boyfriend who surprises her. Instead she will tell him NOT to surprise her so suddenly he's the BAD GUY! Now she'll tell her friends about how terrible he is, blah blah.

Granted the OP needs to grow a spine and not put up with it.

Normally I would agree. In a healthy, loving relationship this wouldn't even be an issue.

But there has to be a reason why she is behaving like this. No, I don't think she is handling this great, but we only have his side, where he casts himself as the selfless loving boyfriend and she's irrationally cold and heartless.

Sometimes people just suck, but because he demonstrated passive-aggressive behavior plus conflict avoidance here, I would be willing to bet the GF has reasons why she acted like this that don't involve her just being a cold bish for no reason.

Our critical responses are meant to get him to look at it from her perspective. It's not helpful to just say "wow, what a cold bish, you sound like a great BF!" This might be the way it is, but I doubt it.

June 8, 2015

After 2 weeks away and a 3 year relationship and she was mad that he surprised her at the airport???
I, like you, am highly suspicious.

I had a friend who cheated on her bf, she used to contact him a lot and ask where he was nonchalantly or suss out if he was going to "surprise" her. He thought she loved him and she just wanted to keep contact with him in a cute way, but in reality she was clearing the path for her and her OM to meet up. She didn't want any surprises either and if the bf said he was anywhere near home or where she and OM happened to be, the OM left her side pretty promptly.

OP
I am not saying she IS cheating here, but after 2 weeks away, she should be spending the afternoon in bed with you, because she is desperate for your company and she missed you, not sulking and giving you annoyed texts and demanding "space".
JMO

I have to admit this thought did cross my mind. But there just isn't enough information in the OP to solidify it.

June 8, 2015

Normally I would agree. In a healthy, loving relationship this wouldn't even be an issue.

But there has to be a reason why she is behaving like this. No, I don't think she is handling this great, but we only have his side, where he casts himself as the selfless loving boyfriend and she's irrationally cold and heartless.

Sometimes people just suck, but because he demonstrated passive-aggressive behavior plus conflict avoidance here, I would be willing to bet the GF has reasons why she acted like this that don't involve her just being a cold bish for no reason.

Our critical responses are meant to get him to look at it from her perspective. It's not helpful to just say "wow, what a cold bish, you sound like a great BF!" This might be the way it is, but I doubt it.

Yes but the Women here are focusing on the wrong issue.

1) The OP is being treated poorly and is acting like nothing is wrong (passive/aggressive). He needs to call her out on her BS and not get away with it. Not agree to still meetup the next day and allow her to cancel on him.

2) She could be cheating and wants to clear a path for the OM like Elaine said.

3) She just wants to make everything his fault.

The OP did nothing wrong with the surprise, it's how he handled himself afterwards. Most of the fault lies with the GF, she is checking out of the relationship while the OP is still invested.

Why she is checking out? Who knows... We don't have enough info.

June 8, 2015

Yes but the Women here are focusing on the wrong issue.

1) The OP is being treated poorly and is acting like nothing is wrong (passive/aggressive). He needs to call her out on her BS and not get away with it. Not agree to still meetup the next day and allow her to cancel on him.

2) She could be cheating and wants to clear a path for the OM like Elaine said.

3) She just wants to make everything his fault.

The OP did nothing wrong with the surprise, it's how he handled himself afterwards. Most of the fault lies with the GF, she is checking out of the relationship while the OP is still invested.

Why she is checking out? Who knows... We don't have enough info.

On this we agree!

Who knows, the reason she might be acting like this is, maybe she is tired of OP having no spine and is trying to goad him into a fight. It might not even be something huge like cheating. Her behavior is certainly disrespectful; maybe she thinks he's an avoidant, spineless twerp and it's coming out in this cold treatment. It's not right, and the relationship is probably doomed.

I wish the OP would come back and give more info...

June 8, 2015

The best thing the OP can start doing is not putting up with this crap... He went running back to her after her pissy behavior the night before, and then allowed her to cancel on him. That's a kick in the balls for sure.

If he would at least stick up for himself, he could at least maintain some dignity.... Right now he has none because he's letting his GF get away with murder.

Me Personally - If I was gone for weeks and my GF surprised me at the airport like that, I would feel loved/cared about. Yes I might be tired but I'd at least entertain her for a bit before heading home and crashing/going to sleep. I wouldn't be a cold heartless *******.

Edited June 8, 2015 by barcode88

June 8, 2015

You must know her well enough by now to know she'd rather plan than have someone just show up on her. You're acting like it's for her, but I think it was for you. Sorry. I don't mean to be harsh, but she asked you twice not to. So it wasn't for her and you know it.

Exactly. This was NOT the OP trying to please her. This was the OP doing what he wanted to do, and overriding her wishes.

After reading the other posts, and directed to those comments…

The only thing worse than assuming how another person SHOULD feel is then psychoanalyzing them and assigning some kind of dysfunction to them because they don’t think and feel the way you think they should. I mean, really… what arrogance. “If you don’t think and feel the way I think you should, there’s something wrong with you- and I ALSO know what’s wrong with you” It’s kind of stunning.

When I dated a guy who was a “should-er” and truly believed to his core that he knew how women were or should be, and how I was or should be, I dumped him and told him he needed to find someone who was the way he wanted her to be.

Yes but if your BF did surprise you (even if you told him not to, but he was already at the airport), how would you act?

How would you feel if you surprised your BF and he did what the OP's girlfriend did?

I would be confused. Why would he do something I asked him NOT to do? I wouldn’t do the opposite of what my BF asked just because I wanted something of him. I’d text, “can’t wait to see you again!” but I wouldn’t push myself on him. If he’d shown up despite my asking him not to, I’d probably ask him what was wrong, did something bad happen he had to talk to me about?

OP wanted to see her so he did what he wanted and ignored what she said. And then if he ALSO he came to my house and did what he wanted? I'd be dumbstruck.

I doubt this is the first time OP has ignored what his GF has said and has done what he wanted instead. She suspected he might: "you're not going to surprise me at baggage claim, are you?" I wouldn’t have assumed that he was going to do that unless he had a habit of ignoring what I say and doing what he wants anyway.

The response you women have for an attempt to be friendly is more appropriate for a domestic abuser.

Because the thinking is the same. When partner A ignores what partner B says and forces B into doing what A wants, you do have a passive aggressor and controller on your hands. The blaming and slamming person B because you ignored him/her and did what you wanted anyway is abuser-think. OP just ignores her AGAIN by saying “we’re ok.” No, no… he might be ok, but she’s not and she made that clear. It’s a second tier of imposing his thinking on her to say “we.”

Just wait until you date someone who assumes how you think and feel and then gets mad at you because SHE assumed incorrectly. There are controlling, passive aggressive women too.

Me Personally - If I was gone for weeks and my GF surprised me at the airport like that, I would feel loved/cared about. Yes I might be tired but I'd at least entertain her for a bit before heading home and crashing/going to sleep. I wouldn't be a cold heartless *******.

Ah… you personally. That’s it! Isn’t great when your GF respects what YOU personally like?

But what if she told you how you should think and feel? What if she told you what “most men” are like or how “most men” feel so what you say/ think/ feel isn’t right or doesn’t matter because she wants something or knows better? “But most men don’t like being picked up at the airport (or I didn’t want to pick you up), so I thought you didn’t mean it or it didn’t matter when you said you wanted me to pick you up.” Wouldn't you think that was a crazy way to think?

Edited June 8, 2015 by BlueIris

June 8, 2015

Katie I know for a fact most women love romantic sentimental **** and signs of affection. So maybe you don't like it, but I don't think a minority of Women should be giving minority advice when most Women should be thrilled to see their boyfriend after 2 weeks of being gone (especially for a 3 year relationship!)

Ever seen the movie Love Actually? I can't make it through the holidays without about every Woman I know in my life talking about how great that movie is at Christmas time, and the movie starts and ends with loved ones surprising each other at the airport.

The only reason this girl probably didn't like it (sounds like the OP did it before and it was received better) is because she is checking out of the relationship. Reason? Unknown. But the OP letting her **** all over him and not standing up to her BS probably doesn't help.

I love affection too....but that has nothing to do with him showing up unannounced after I (or in this case she) specifically said I did not want him to! Two completely different things.

I would imagine if she wanted him there at the airport to get her, she would have asked him to pick her up. THAT is what most women would want!

But she didn't...she wanted some down time to relax, unwind, etc....probably because she feels utterly suffocated by him! But he disregarded her wishes and showed up any way...ugh!

Do you really think most women would be happy about that? Think again.

Which IS the real issue here IMO! That and his lack of backbone and passive aggression.

Edited June 8, 2015 by katiegrl

June 8, 2015

@Katie/Blueiris

Sorry you can't play the "She told him not to come" card. She told him as she was practically getting off the plane when he was there waiting. That's not enough of a heads up to even be worth anything. What is he supposed to do, just secretly sneak off? That's lame. The fact that she told him last minute was cold - and equally lame.

And what I would do isn't that far off what anyone else would do, even if they weren't thrilled about being surprised. If you love someone you aren't going to turn into a cold bitch just because they surprised you. Clearly she doesn't love him and is trying to vilify him and everything he does.

There are other issues here, mostly stemming from the GIRLFRIEND'S PROBLEMS ... NOT HIS! He did nothing wrong except show his Girlfriend that he cared. Sure she wasn't thrilled about surprises (all of a sudden recently - why?) but that doesn't mean she had to be a mean bitch.

Stop blaming the guy here ladies, he is the one invested in this relationship. Yes his communication sucks, and he could show a lot more backbone, but he at least shows that he cares. She doesn't.

If she was invested in this relationship, she wouldn't have acted the way she did, even if she wasn't a huge fan of surprises. She might tell him later that she doesn't like it, but she wouldn't try and make him feel BAD about it. Which she did.

I can't believe Women sometimes, one day they want flowers and signs of affection, and then the next day they think surprising you after being gone for a few weeks is the most terrible thing in the world!

Edited June 8, 2015 by barcode88

June 8, 2015

BC you seem really committed to the "GF's wrong not to like surprises" concept but that's simply false. She's entirely entitled to not like surprises, and if he showed up to surprise her anyway, knowing that, the fault's on him. You can't really speak for everyone or even most people and claim that they all like surprises.

Obvs this situation's more complicated than we know - I suspect his pattern of unwelcome surprises runs deep and long forex - but based on the little we do know we can't jump to very many conclusions.

June 8, 2015

BC you seem really committed to the "GF's wrong not to like surprises" concept but that's simply false. She's entirely entitled to not like surprises, and if he showed up to surprise her anyway, knowing that, the fault's on him. You can't really speak for everyone or even most people and claim that they all like surprises.

Obvs this situation's more complicated than we know - I suspect his pattern of unwelcome surprises runs deep and long forex - but based on the little we do know we can't jump to very many conclusions.

She's not WRONG (although I find it unusual), she just handled it really poorly. Even if she didn't like it, she didn't have to be a total bitch especially after being together for 3 years. And she continued to be a bitch the next day.

She didn't really give him much of a heads up that she didn't want to be surprised, and IMO it was a bit too late... If he would have just left it would be weird.

In my OPINION he didn't do anything wrong, it was just the most convenient reason for her to make him wrong. If he didn't show up I bet she would have cancelled the next day anyways.

June 8, 2015

BC you're still being very subjective here.

She's not WRONG (although I find it unusual), she just handled it really poorly. Even if she didn't like it, she didn't have to be a total bitch especially after being together for 3 years. And she continued to be a bitch the next day.

She just got off a flight, which a lot of ppl find tiring. She was obvs worried that he would surprise her, and the implication is that this fear on her part was not sth new to him. He said he wasn't going to surprise her. And yet bam, there he is. If it was me I would have annihilated him, he probably got off easy w/her.

She didn't really give him much of a heads up that she didn't want to be surprised, and IMO it was a bit too late... If he would have just left it would be weird.

How is years of him knowing her sensibilities not a good heads up? I suspect that's part of the problem - he sounds like one of those guys who just doesn't get it.

In my OPINION he didn't do anything wrong, it was just the most convenient reason for her to make him wrong. If he didn't show up I bet she would have cancelled the next day anyways.

Who knows, and what does it matter? Your opinion's fine, but don't push it as some kind of universal truth bc it's not. It's strange to me that your putting all the blame for the 'surprise' fail at the feet of the girl who was pretty clearly stressed and tired and not feeling it and none with the guy who was likely goofing off all day and not stressed nor tired and should have known better.

June 8, 2015

Trying to see where the GF is coming from isn't "putting all the blame on" the OP, or "demonizing" him!

June 8, 2015

The real issue is why she wanted time to herself. Not the surprise itself IMO.

Based on her irrational behavior that night and in text the next day, I think it's safe to assume that it's over. So she probably wanted time to herself to prepare for the break up. That's why seeing him unexpectedly and being put on the spot bothered her so much. If she was still into the guy, seeing him after being apart for two weeks would make her happy. The romantic gesture would probably make her want to watch Love Actually for the 100th time in the near future.

June 8, 2015

BC you're still being very subjective here.

She just got off a flight, which a lot of ppl find tiring. She was obvs worried that he would surprise her, and the implication is that this fear on her part was not sth new to him. He said he wasn't going to surprise her. And yet bam, there he is. If it was me I would have annihilated him, he probably got off easy w/her.

How is years of him knowing her sensibilities not a good heads up? I suspect that's part of the problem - he sounds like one of those guys who just doesn't get it.

Who knows, and what does it matter? Your opinion's fine, but don't push it as some kind of universal truth bc it's not. It's strange to me that your putting all the blame for the 'surprise' fail at the feet of the girl who was pretty clearly stressed and tired and not feeling it and none with the guy who was likely goofing off all day and not stressed nor tired and should have known better.

I believe the OP implied that he's done this before, her message to him about him surprising her at the airport implies that she was expecting it (probably because he's done it before). The OP never mentioned that she didn't like surprises? The way the OP explained things made it sound like it was very uncharacteristic of her.

Do you think he should have just secretly left after going to all that work?

Even if we agree that he shouldn't have surprised her, her behavior screams red flags to me. If I received a text like that, I wouldn't just go "Oh she doesn't want me to surprise her, I better not!" I would probably go "WTF? Is she trying to keep a secret or something? Is she mad at me?". I won't presume to think for every other guy out there though.

so I decided to surprise her at the airport. Her flight landed much earlier than scheduled, and she texted me "I landed." I was minutes away from the baggage claim area where I was going to surprise her. She then texts "you're not going to surprise me at baggage claim, are you?" My reply, not wanting to give away my surprise was "I wish!" Anyways, I did surprise her, and she didn't seem excited at all to see me. No hug, kiss, etc.

I do love her, but I don't know what to do here. We continue to have communication issues and her moods always confuse me. I just can't figure out which girlfriend I'm going to get anymore. She's so unpredictable this last year or so.

The real issue is why she wanted time to herself. Not the surprise itself IMO.

Based on her irrational behavior that night and in text the next day, I think it's safe to assume that it's over. So she probably wanted time to herself to prepare for the break up. That's why seeing him unexpectedly and being put on the spot bothered her so much. If she was still into the guy, seeing him after being apart for two weeks would make her happy. The romantic gesture would probably make her want to watch Love Actually for the 100th time in the near future.

Thank you!!

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