Surprised My Girlfriend

June 7, 2015

My girlfriend and I have been dating for close to three years, and we met online. Here's a little bit of background... We lived two hours apart for a year, then I moved closer (about 45 min away) to attend graduate school. My two years of graduate school are finished, and I am currently looking for jobs. She owns her home, and has a good job where she lives.

Anyways, she was gone for a week doing a training out west. I hadn't seen her in almost two weeks, so I decided to surprise her at the airport. Her flight landed much earlier than scheduled, and she texted me "I landed." I was minutes away from the baggage claim area where I was going to surprise her. She then texts "you're not going to surprise me at baggage claim, are you?" My reply, not wanting to give away my surprise was "I wish!" Anyways, I did surprise her, and she didn't seem excited at all to see me. No hug, kiss, etc.

This caught me completely off guard. We had agreed through text a day or two earlier to see each other the next day, not the day she was going to get back. I drove her to her car in the long term parking, and we didn't say much in the car. I followed her back to her house, and we decided to run some errands. She didn't say much this entire time, and I could tell she wasn't thrilled to see me. I cooked her dinner on her grill, and we ate dinner. Then it came out. She said she doesn't like to be surprised, and that I lied to her telling her I wasn't at the baggage claim via text. I simply said that I would leave, which I did. I drove the 45 minutes home. Then she calls me on my drive home, again saying that she had a bad day due to a long flight and just wanted to come home, unpack, watch TV, and go to bed. I understand this, I often feel the same way when returning form a long trip.

I left her house pretty confused and hurt. Is it wrong that I wanted to surprise her at the airport? Wouldn't most girls be happy to see their boyfriend after a long trip? And have him cook her dinner?

I told her... Put the shoe on the other foot. If she were to surprise me at my apartment (she has before) and I were to ask her to leave, how would she feel? Well, I know how this would go. She would be angry, spiteful, and hold it against me.

Okay, then, about 10 minutes ago, I get this text: "Am I to assume I won't see you tomorrow?" Is she expecting me to drive back the 45 minutes to see her again?

I do love her, but I don't know what to do here. We continue to have communication issues and her moods always confuse me. I just can't figure out which girlfriend I'm going to get anymore. She's so unpredictable this last year or so.

What should I make of this? Ugh...

June 7, 2015

Be careful and mindful of her attitude towards you. Are you sure she went for a job-related training out west? Was she with colleagues? Look at her actions, not words. Right now her actions are screaming "I want my own space"...so give it to her. Her words are just camouflage, so that you don't wander too far. I would text her back and say "that assumption would be correct...things I need to get done tomorrow". Don't text or call her after that. When she has had 2 days of silence, she will give you a call. Oftentimes, people need a reflection of their own attitude to show them the very behavior they don't like. So show it to her. You were trying to be a good guy by surprising her and your repayment was a nonchalant attitude. Be wary of this change in attitude though, she may be distancing herself to prep for a break up.

June 7, 2015

Be careful and mindful of her attitude towards you. Are you sure she went for a job-related training out west? Was she with colleagues? Look at her actions, not words. Right now her actions are screaming "I want my own space"...so give it to her. Her words are just camouflage, so that you don't wander too far. I would text her back and say "that assumption would be correct...things I need to get done tomorrow". Don't text or call her after that. When she has had 2 days of silence, she will give you a call. Oftentimes, people need a reflection of their own attitude to show them the very behavior they don't like. So show it to her. You were trying to be a good guy by surprising her and your repayment was a nonchalant attitude. Be wary of this change in attitude though, she may be distancing herself to prep for a break up.

I have found, sadly, the opposite to often be true:

People left to their own devices, ignored, given the cold shoulder, shut down begin to wallow in their own irritation, and justify their actions.

It becomes about how right they were, and how justified they have been to get pissy, resulting in anger, resentment, accusation and selfishness.

I would text back -

"Is that a question or a request?"

Sounds to me as though she feels entitled to be put above your feelings and considerations.

Had I been her, at the airport, I would have shown some gratitude and been happy to see you, but maybe I would have added, in the car, "Is it ok with you if I just go home alone? I'm really pooped, and I just want to crash out, loaf, and unwind.... let's talk again tomorrow, and arrange something."

Or in your shoes, getting the "you're not going to surprise me at baggage claim, are you?" I'd have made a run for it, and responded "no, call me when you get home...!" and made a swift exit!

But she's being rude, selfish and moody. I would personally say that for someone who is supposed to be your intimate, exclusive, long-term partner, she doesn't seem all that keen on connecting with you, but there are more polite ways of engineering that...

Sure, people shouldn't be joined at the hip, but there is such a thing as 'pushing away'...

I'd be a bit offended in your shoes too...

June 7, 2015

Maybe she doesn't like surprises! I don't either, although I certainly would have kissed and hugged my bf if he had made the effort to come to the airport.

Then, as Tara said, I would have stated how lovely and thoughtful it was of him, but that I would like the evening to myself and would love to see him the next day (as you previously had arranged).

June 7, 2015

Just from your post, you kind of sound over-eager and somewhat smothering. Women don't like that. It makes you look needy.

I'd take a few steps back and stop acting like she's some kind of queen you need to be serving. Seriously.

Your first clue to back off was when she told you she DIDNT want to see you at the baggage claim. Then she acted like a sulky little b*tch while you drove her to her car. At that point, I would have dumped her ass at her car and told her to have a safe trip home. But you still CLUNG TO HER, following her home then going out and doing errands with her, followed by smothering her even more and cooking dinner for her.

You're just coming off as incredibly needy and that's so not attractive.

Stop bending over backward for someone who doesn't appreciate it. It's emasculating to YOU and that's why she treats you the way she does. Because you're like a stray dog begging for pats on the head. Knock it off.

June 7, 2015

I don't think you surprising her at the airport makes you look needy and smothering at all.

You haven't even seen her in almost two weeks, how much space can your significant other want from you?

If I was super into my boyfriend and I was exhausted from the flight, wanted nothing more than to go home watch TV and get to bed, I'd be so excited to see him standing there at baggage claim. I'd be like, "oh thank God you're here I can't wait to go home and cuddle all night long."

She couldn't even take 30 seconds out of her day to give you a smile and a kiss. I find this incredibly rude and insulting.

To be honest, after such an ice-cold greeting from her, I would not have followed her back to her place, grilled, or done whatever else. It would have sucked to have had such a plan in my head and had it completely ruined by someone you love, but it would have been better than sitting in such an awkward situation, no conversation, etc.

The thing I'm not wrapping my head around is this: you've been dating for THREE YEARS. Is this the first time she's even saying, "I don't like surprises?" I'm actually kind of worried about how she's changed in the past year. There has to be a reason for it, and communication issues or not, you need to get to the bottom of it.

A relationship with no communication, or communication problems is not a stable relationship and it's not a relationship that's going to go the distance. Yes, you have time invested, but how is the quality? At this point, not looking good. Sounds like you're walking on eggshells around her, always having to be on the lookout for a bad mood.

Since this was not the way she always was, something is going on. She may just not have the communication skills to tell you what she's feeling and what she needs. She's obviously not that happy in the relationship, would you ever consider the idea that someone else may be in the picture?

I'm not saying this to make you paranoid or anything but with one of my ex's I was not happy with him, and one day I met someone new. I didn't cheat on my bf at the time but I absolutely got close to this guy, he made me smile. Going home and being around my boyfriend made me miserable. To be honest, I was a complete bitch to him. I always had an attitude with him, nothing he did was good or right, I was always snippy, irritated, rude to him. If he expressed his emotions at me, I didn't care. I just shut down and ignored it. If he did something nice for me, I didn't care. I didn't express appreciation.

SOMETHING is going on with your girlfriend. Time for you to decide if you want to stick around and continue on in an unhappy relationship.

June 7, 2015

I can kind of see it from both sides.

I remember goi to pick up an Ex at the train station years back and her reaction when she saw me was probably all I should have needed to seriously reconsider the relationship. It was a surprise that I was there but she didn't see happy to see me after spending time away.

On the other hand, you two agreed to meet the next day. If you wanted to pick her up at the airport why not say so? Also, by saying "I wish" when she asked you just to keep up the surprise that probably annoyed her.

But, as the two posters ago mentioned, your post does come across as doing too much for this girl. Having said that, the advice of "is that what you want?" Or something to that effect in response to her message is probably a good approach to take.

June 7, 2015

Your intentions were good. You just picked the wrong time. Seems to me your feelings were hurt because she didn't respond the way you wanted her to. She made you feel as though you did something wrong when your intention was to make her feel good.

You know what it's like after a long flight and I can understand her point about being tired and just wanting to rest up. Sometimes you just need alone time to recharge.

If she doesn't like surprises then respect that. She might feel disrespected because you didn't respect her wishes.

After dating for 3 years you should have a pretty good idea of what she's all about - her moods, her likes, her dislikes, and so forth.

I'm not taking any sides here. I see it from both sides - and you have the right idea by having the capacity to see her point of view.

She may be immature. She may be selfish. She may be stressed. She may be unhappy. She may have health issues that cause mood swings. We don't know. Only you know that. And if you don't know then perhaps it's time to address the issue(s) because you might be making (wrong) assumptions.

If there's a deeper issue here - like mood swings or she's unhappy with the relationship - then you should discuss it with her when this latest incident has blown over.

Seems to me you've got to shrug it off. Your idea backfired and now it's time to carry on - as hard as that might be given that you're hurting from her reaction.

I think you would escalate the situation (in a bad way) if you were to start going back and forth with her about whether or not you're going to see her the next day.

June 7, 2015

Thank you everyone for all of the advice. I really appreciate the help, and I do know that I should have had a better idea about how she would handle the surprise. Thing is, I've surprised her many times before. I've shown up at her house before she got home from work and had the house cleaned up and had dinner ready, etc. She's always appreciated that in the past.

This morning we traded these texts:

Her: Good morning

Me: Good morning! (trying to show that I'm over it with some excitement lol)

Her: The weather is gross out today

Me: If you want to come over, the new theatre by my house has a movie at 1pm and 4pm that we'd both like. We can grab dinner after (I'm not driving back the 45 min to her house after she asked me to leave yesterday)

Her: That's a very kind offer, I'm worried about driving in this weather though (there's a 40% chance of rain)

Her: I'll keep you posted

Me: Sounds good

Her: So does this mean you aren't mad at me anymore?

Me: We're fine

Her: Yeah that didn't answer the question but I'll keep you posted on the movie

Me: I'm not trying to be evasive, I meant everything is ok I'm not mad

Her: I'm not going to make the 1pm movie, you should go though (why the hell would I go to a movie alone?)

Her: Hun, I don't think it's a good idea for me to come over today. I still feel weird about yesterday (using the word Hun... supposed to be affectionate??? )

Me: That's ok, I understand

Her: You should still go (again... what!!)

Me: I'm going to hang at home, watch baseball, then go to the gym later

Her: You really have no clue how I feel. We're not ok and yesterday showed that more clearly than before. So go ahead and watch your game and have a great day. I'm going back to bed

Ugh... What a mess. How should I take THIS?

June 7, 2015

I'd take her last sentence as her wanting to break up with you. I'd make her spell it out though. I'd call & say what did you mean by that? I was trying to be positive & not continue to be hurt & pissed about how you basically ignored me at the AP. You need to tell me what's going on.

June 7, 2015

Thank you everyone for all of the advice. I really appreciate the help, and I do know that I should have had a better idea about how she would handle the surprise. Thing is, I've surprised her many times before. I've shown up at her house before she got home from work and had the house cleaned up and had dinner ready, etc. She's always appreciated that in the past.

This morning we traded these texts:

Her: Good morning
Me: Good morning! (trying to show that I'm over it with some excitement lol)
Her: The weather is gross out today
Me: If you want to come over, the new theatre by my house has a movie at 1pm and 4pm that we'd both like. We can grab dinner after (I'm not driving back the 45 min to her house after she asked me to leave yesterday)
Her: That's a very kind offer, I'm worried about driving in this weather though (there's a 40% chance of rain)
Her: I'll keep you posted
Me: Sounds good
Her: So does this mean you aren't mad at me anymore?
Me: We're fine
Her: Yeah that didn't answer the question but I'll keep you posted on the movie
Me: I'm not trying to be evasive, I meant everything is ok I'm not mad
Her: I'm not going to make the 1pm movie, you should go though (why the hell would I go to a movie alone?)
Her: Hun, I don't think it's a good idea for me to come over today. I still feel weird about yesterday (using the word Hun... supposed to be affectionate??? )
Me: That's ok, I understand
Her: You should still go (again... what!!)
Me: I'm going to hang at home, watch baseball, then go to the gym later
Her: You really have no clue how I feel. We're not ok and yesterday showed that more clearly than before. So go ahead and watch your game and have a great day. I'm going back to bed

Ugh... What a mess. How should I take THIS?

Oh dear! Sounds like bad communication here. It's like you are both trying to gloss over it and say 'its fine' and 'lets talk about the weather instead of real issue', and then she explodes at the end and says you don't understand her.

Be really, really honest with yourself here cubs. You weren't 'fine', you were upset that she wasn't thrilled at your surprise. You say in your first post that wouldn't most women love it if their bfs did what you did. Most maybe would BUT your girlfriend doesn't like surprises, has she told you that? (sorry, cant remember if you said) If she has then it's annoying to have that disregarded.

I also hate surprises - its something I'm working on as I don't think its an attractive trait, but there it is, nobody is perfect! If I was your gf, I would hope I would have been more pleased to see you and tell you how good it was to see you/ I missed you etc, but I would feel slightly upset that you hadn't respected my views on surprises (if indeed you knew them) and had gone against the plan to meet the following day. It's like if you tell someone you don't like chicken and afterwards they cook you an elaborate meal containing chicken! You appreciate the effort but do wonder why they have disregarded what you have said!

However, she should have communicated this to you in a better way ie. On the way back to the car said 'hey cubs, its so sweet you doing this but do you mind if I just go home alone, I need to chill/get stuff done/sleep and I would really love to see you tomorrow as arranged'. Instead, she sulked and let it fester and probably hoped for an apology today - as did you probably hope for an apology from her!

Verdict - you are both wrong imo! If I were you now, I would wait until you can speak to her face to face (texting is rubbish for stuff like this) and say you are sorry you caught her off guard and now you realise she doesn't like surprises you wont do it again. If she has any decency she will also apologise for acting like a sulky child and not communicating how she was feeling in a more adult manner.

Edited June 7, 2015 by beyond

June 7, 2015

I guess for some reason your gf is just not feeling it anymore and I doubt it has much to do with your "surprise".

As you say you have surprised her before with no incident. She didn't want you at that airport for some reason, she even sent you a message to suss out whether you were there or not.

Something bigger is going on here, you will just have to figure out what it is.

June 7, 2015

Biggest mistake here is to try and work through the problem via texting.

You two need to be looking at each other and talking; being able to see each other's eyes, mannerisms, inflections, and body language.

No wonder you don't have a clue. She is right on that accord. She also doesn't know how upsetting this has all been to you.

Both of you need to clear the air and talk through it. Stop texting!

June 7, 2015

I think she feels smothered and like you give her no say in when you see her. That's how I'd feel. She specifically asked you not to be there and then asked to make sure you weren't -- and you went against her wishes and showed up anyway. Are you nuts? Don't you think that maybe she's got jet lag and would like to get a good night's sleep and have a shower and dress up a little before seeing a man once she gets home? It's not like you didn't have plans, so why did you have to get all needy and jump the plans. You must know her well enough by now to know she'd rather plan than have someone just show up on her. You're acting like it's for her, but I think it was for you. Sorry. I don't mean to be harsh, but she asked you twice not to. So it wasn't for her and you know it.

June 7, 2015

fwiw, the airport move would have irritated the sh*t out of me too. Some ppl just don't like surprises. (Doesn't mean scared of surprises, means don't appreciate the sensibilities behind them.) So I don't think it's automatically sth sinister on her part.

June 7, 2015

As I have already indicated, my instinct, on hearing the 'I hope you're not about to spring a surprise on me' question would have been to have run like hell in the opposite direction...

If someone is making it clear that they really would prefer you didn't do something, it pays to listen....

Please buy me an ice cream, but whatever you do, please do NOT get me banana and dill pickles."

"Hell no, of course I won't!"

...

"Here you go! Chocolate chip for me, and banana and dill pickles for you!"

June 7, 2015

I think her comment of, "I hope you're not at baggage claim to surprise me" is indicative of deeper issues.

As you mentioned, you've surprised her before and she was appreciative. So all of a sudden within the past year she's changed, and now she's all, "I really don't like surprises."

Wait, what? So they were fine before, but not fine now? I don't buy it. I don't think she has an issue with surprises. I think she has an issue with YOU.

Also, she's acting like you're some sort of mind reader. YOU were the one who went out of your way to try to do something nice for her, and she was completely over the top rude about it, and now she's going to pull the passive aggressive, "Whatever. You don't know how I feel, so watch your ball game" response?

She's just coming off REALLY immature and trying to flip the script on you like you're some sort of monster. You tried to do something nice for her. Your heart and intentions were in the right place, and she has acted like a rude, ungrateful, immature person throughout it all.

You NEED to see her face to face. Something is going on and it has nothing to do with you surprising her.

June 8, 2015

Her: You really have no clue how I feel. We're not ok and yesterday showed that more clearly than before. So go ahead and watch your game and have a great day. I'm going back to bed

Ugh... What a mess. How should I take THIS?

She is saying things haven't been good for a while. I think she sees you as trying to be "nice guy" all the time but it sounds like she isn't into you and your efforts aren't helping. Even by inviting her over right away after 2 or 3 lines this morning shows that you are probably coming across as over eager.

I assume that you have talked by now. If you haven't probably a good time to have an actual conversation but be prepared to end things... Bit just her ending things, but you deciding you aren't getting what you need.

June 8, 2015

Just from your post, you kind of sound over-eager and somewhat smothering. Women don't like that. It makes you look needy.

I'd take a few steps back and stop acting like she's some kind of queen you need to be serving. Seriously.

Your first clue to back off was when she told you she DIDNT want to see you at the baggage claim. Then she acted like a sulky little b*tch while you drove her to her car. At that point, I would have dumped her ass at her car and told her to have a safe trip home. But you still CLUNG TO HER, following her home then going out and doing errands with her, followed by smothering her even more and cooking dinner for her.

You're just coming off as incredibly needy and that's so not attractive.

Stop bending over backward for someone who doesn't appreciate it. It's emasculating to YOU and that's why she treats you the way she does. Because you're like a stray dog begging for pats on the head. Knock it off.

You are not going to get better advice than this.

It's spot on.

June 8, 2015

Wow I can't believe people are bashing the OP! They've been dating 3 years folks, surprising your girlfriend at the airport isn't needy at all. Her attitude is definitely suspect.

Be careful and mindful of her attitude towards you. Are you sure she went for a job-related training out west? Was she with colleagues? Look at her actions, not words. Right now her actions are screaming "I want my own space"...so give it to her. Her words are just camouflage, so that you don't wander too far. I would text her back and say "that assumption would be correct...things I need to get done tomorrow". Don't text or call her after that. When she has had 2 days of silence, she will give you a call. Oftentimes, people need a reflection of their own attitude to show them the very behavior they don't like. So show it to her. You were trying to be a good guy by surprising her and your repayment was a nonchalant attitude. Be wary of this change in attitude though, she may be distancing herself to prep for a break up.

Well said!

Edit: OP you kinda wussed out in the text exchange in your second post.... Seriously man up and tell her how it is. You're letting her be a bitch to you and you're not punishing her for it. Like the first poster said you should have blown her off the next day after that cold reception, yet you ran running back into her arms for her to just **** all over you again.

Edited June 8, 2015 by barcode88

June 8, 2015

Cubs1, Texting communication is the worst way in the world to communicate.

Hell's bells, you were both holding Phones!! How hard is it to press 'call' instead of 'text'!?

She felt irritated by the exchange - and yes, she communicated badly because after 3 years, she was expecting you to have more insight into her temperament and read between the lines.

Let's be honest - you're bothbeing dumb, and a pair of doofuses here...

You because, as others have described, are behaving like a love-lorn sycophantic puppy and she, because frankly, she's behaving like a cold-hearted bitch.

Now you'd think 'bitch' and 'puppy' would be a good combination, but as is evident, this is FAR from the case.

I personally think this one's got 'final Act' written all over it, but if anything is to be salvaged, it should be done in person, face to face, calmly and like adults.

I would wait for her to contact you. Say nothing , do nothing, offer nothing (I bet it's already too late....!)

Wait until she texts (as doubtless she will, obviously avoiding a verbal connection!) but then, call her back and say that you should get together to clear the air.

Then fix a meeting and deal with it.

June 8, 2015

After 2+ years, my girlfriend knows that when I get off from work, just wake up, travel... that she is dealing with a rattlesnake. I can read these moments in her too (most of the time).

But regardless ...has she never acted like this before or have you never been so dorky before?

June 8, 2015

I dont understand why people here are blaming the OP. He just sounds like a nice guy who tries to be nice to his gf. Any girl who is in love with a man will not get irritated by seeing him as a surprise. Maybe not so trilled as she is really,really (gotta be really) tired but certainly not irritated.

And OP also stated her mood changes a lot in recent time..Something is def up with her

June 8, 2015

I think she feels smothered and like you give her no say in when you see her. That's how I'd feel. She specifically asked you not to be there and then asked to make sure you weren't -- and you went against her wishes and showed up anyway. Are you nuts? Don't you think that maybe she's got jet lag and would like to get a good night's sleep and have a shower and dress up a little before seeing a man once she gets home? It's not like you didn't have plans, so why did you have to get all needy and jump the plans. You must know her well enough by now to know she'd rather plan than have someone just show up on her. You're acting like it's for her, but I think it was for you. Sorry. I don't mean to be harsh, but she asked you twice not to. So it wasn't for her and you know it.

^^This...and not to rub salt into the wound, but cubs you sound completely passive-aggressive....and THAT is what is pissing her off.

You act like everything is fine....when clearly it is NOT fine..otherwise you wouldn't be here posting about it.

You have no backbone... and are constantly trying to appease her...and please her...walking on eggshells in the process.

She is losing respect for you... while at the same time, feeling disrespected by you for disregarding her wishes not to surprise her.

As another poster mentioned, once she made that comment about hoping you don't surprise her, you should have made a quick exit and driven home....why didn't you? Do you think you know better than she does want SHE wants?

Edited June 8, 2015 by katiegrl

June 8, 2015

^^This...and not to rub salt into the wound, but cubs you sound completely passive-aggressive....and THAT is what is pissing her off.

You act like everything is fine....when clearly it is NOT fine..otherwise you wouldn't be here posting about it.

You have no backbone... and are constantly trying to appease her...and please her...walking on eggshells in the process.

She is losing respect for you... while at the same time, feeling disrespected by you for disregarding her wishes not to surprise her.

As another poster mentioned, once she made that comment about hoping you don't surprise her, you should have made a quick exit and driven home....why didn't you? Do you think you know better than she does want SHE wants?

You said exactly what I was thinking Katie. In his 2nd post when he is texting with his GF and acts like everything is fine, he is being a huge wuss.

He should have told her No, we're not on for tomorrow I have other things to do.... Instead he pretends like nothing's wrong and goes running into her arms like a little bitch, only for her to kick him in the balls. He could have cancelled the date on HIS terms, but instead let her cancel it on HER terms.

She's losing respect for him as a man that's for sure. Sometimes you need to call a girl out on her **** (like this) to make her respect you. OP is letting her walk all over him.

OP I know this sounds harsh but I'm not trying to degrade you here, I'm just trying to colorfully illustrate how I see things.

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