Popsicle Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Its not just about sex. I know exactly what it's about. I am a fOW. It's about feeling wanted and desired and passionate. 1
Popsicle Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 That said, it is probably abundantly clear to you by page 4 why this rarely gets better. What is the reason it rarely gets better? I missed it. (Plus I have my settings configured so that I get 40 posts to a page)
OldRover Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 You two made another human being and she had to have major abdominal surgery to bring that human being into the world, but you don't classify that as a major life change? Well, that clearly demonstrates one major libido killer right there. Sorry, but I can't imagine being attracted to a man who was so flippant about my health, my child's health, or my child's very existence. Also, expecting sex as a "reward" for doing the laundry, helping with chores, or otherwise acting like a responsible adult is another turn off. I mean, really? You're angry because your wife doesn't trade sexual favors for help around the house? Throwing a temper tantrum and giving her the silent treatment... Not sexy. At all. I'd say that you both need therapy, not just her. Going back to your attitude about her pregnancy, did you pressure her into having sex at any time during the pregnancy or postpartum period? It's odd for a woman who previously had a robust libido and frequent orgasms to just stop. Sounds to me like some sort of trauma. I've known a lot of women who are pretty much incapable of enjoying sex with their husbands because the husband simply would not take no for an answer during the postpartum period. It's hard to loosen up and enjoy yourself with someone who took advantage of you for his own pleasure during your most vulnerable time. I don't want to sound accusatory, but this is something you really should consider. If "only" having sex twice a week is upsetting you so much, your wife's recovery period must have been incredibly tense. And lastly, early menopause is real. If that's the root of all these problems you're going to have to decide if your family or your sexual gratification is more important, because hormone therapy only does so much and it's pretty strongly linked to cancer. She may decide that it's not worth the money or risk. Wow, What a powerful post, but it seems like you're CLEARLY missing the point.... Nowhere is there an impression that the OP doesn't dearly love his wife and child and cares deeply about their concerns..... probably a lot more than the wife does (but that can be fixed). And nowhere did he imply that he's trading ANYTHING for sex. Doing things for one's spouse, especially things that she sees as her "love language" is a powerful way to gain intimacy, closeness and just more love, and it works both ways. Read the boos 5 Love Languages and you'll get a great appreciation for that. (and it can work for anyone.... you, too). Sure many people go through trauma, and having a child (even with C section), doesn't have to be a major even. Many people go through it, and come out the other side happier and MORE sexually active and closer to their husbands.... my wife did just exactly that. And the OP "forcing" sex... can't believe that for a second! As for menopause... there are LOTs of issues related to that, most can be solved or minimized, and doesn't have to be the end of sex. Also, not all hormone therapy is linked to therapy... there are solutions. The wife clearly has some issues, and I'd bet they can be solved and result in a much happier and satisfying relationship for both of them. While therapy is great for both, the wife has a MUCH bigger issue than the OP. And this whole situation could be reversed and could be the issue with the guy, which also can be solved. Sex is not just a satisfaction thing for the guy.... there's a lot of guys that don't enjoy it much, if they can satisfy their lady, and enjoy bringing her excitement up. Having the wife provide sex, just to satisfy her husband... and just "get it over" sucks. Sex is a way to promote love and affection for each other, it's intimacy in some of the best forms..... And, yes, it's a necessary part of an intimate relationship for MOST people. 1
Babs22 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Perhaps it is her hormones being off balance. I would want to go to the doctor with her to hear a clear explanation of what that means. What are the treatment options and possible risks or side effects. Men who have hormone deprivation therapy to bring T down to zero ( treatment for prostate cancer) have zero libido and are totally unaware of the change. Their wives are screaming for a hug or a kiss and the men don't even seem able to make that happen. They don't want sex or miss it and their wives live on a private hell at least on a physical level. Some men barely even acknowledge their wives. Believe it or not OP if you didn't get a T shot you wouldn't give a damn that your wife isn't into sex anymore. Problem solved. But that would be a bit drastic. My point is,, perhaps her hormones are so off that she cannot even see the problem and doesn't recognize a need for therapy. I do think that having sex two times a week when she has a job and 6 year old to run after probably seems like plenty to her. I don't know why she has changed the positions she does and stopped doing things you liked. I still think you need to do some things for her, foot rub, back rub, big hugs, massages, with no strings attached for sex. Question, how stressful is her job? If she works full time and raising a kid, she's exhausted. 1
truncated Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Just trying to get a fraction of what WE had back so WE can be happy. You want to be miserable and like it then you go ahead! Please don;t take this the wrong way, but is she happy? Have you asked her that, and if you did, what does she say? If she says she is happy with things the way they are, then what will you do? Would you accept that and what it means? It may mean her continuing to have sex with you two times a week, but you knowing that she's not really in to it and she's doing it to make you happy? Would you want her to take some sort of hormonal treatment so she wil wnat sex more(btw, if she is on birth control or antidepressants, some fo them can cause libido to shrink to nil)
truncated Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Wow, What a powerful post, but it seems like you're CLEARLY missing the point.... Nowhere is there an impression that the OP doesn't dearly love his wife and child and cares deeply about their concerns..... probably a lot more than the wife does (but that can be fixed). And nowhere did he imply that he's trading ANYTHING for sex. Doing things for one's spouse, especially things that she sees as her "love language" is a powerful way to gain intimacy, closeness and just more love, and it works both ways. Read the boos 5 Love Languages and you'll get a great appreciation for that. (and it can work for anyone.... you, too). Sure many people go through trauma, and having a child (even with C section), doesn't have to be a major even. Many people go through it, and come out the other side happier and MORE sexually active and closer to their husbands.... my wife did just exactly that. And the OP "forcing" sex... can't believe that for a second! As for menopause... there are LOTs of issues related to that, most can be solved or minimized, and doesn't have to be the end of sex. Also, not all hormone therapy is linked to therapy... there are solutions. The wife clearly has some issues, and I'd bet they can be solved and result in a much happier and satisfying relationship for both of them. While therapy is great for both, the wife has a MUCH bigger issue than the OP. And this whole situation could be reversed and could be the issue with the guy, which also can be solved. Sex is not just a satisfaction thing for the guy.... there's a lot of guys that don't enjoy it much, if they can satisfy their lady, and enjoy bringing her excitement up. Having the wife provide sex, just to satisfy her husband... and just "get it over" sucks. Sex is a way to promote love and affection for each other, it's intimacy in some of the best forms..... And, yes, it's a necessary part of an intimate relationship for MOST people. The thing is that you are only hearing his side, and it's understandably based. What would her side be? It's impossible to say the cause of the situation is x, y or z without knowing the full story. OP, have you ever asked her if she knows what caused this abrupt change? If so, what did she say?
truncated Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Perhaps it is her hormones being off balance. I would want to go to the doctor with her to hear a clear explanation of what that means. What are the treatment options and possible risks or side effects. Men who have hormone deprivation therapy to bring T down to zero ( treatment for prostate cancer) have zero libido and are totally unaware of the change. Their wives are screaming for a hug or a kiss and the men don't even seem able to make that happen. They don't want sex or miss it and their wives live on a private hell at least on a physical level. Some men barely even acknowledge their wives. Believe it or not OP if you didn't get a T shot you wouldn't give a damn that your wife isn't into sex anymore. Problem solved. But that would be a bit drastic. My point is,, perhaps her hormones are so off that she cannot even see the problem and doesn't recognize a need for therapy. I do think that having sex two times a week when she has a job and 6 year old to run after probably seems like plenty to her. I don't know why she has changed the positions she does and stopped doing things you liked. I still think you need to do some things for her, foot rub, back rub, big hugs, massages, with no strings attached for sex. Question, how stressful is her job? If she works full time and raising a kid, she's exhausted. It might also be painful for her. If it was a difficult pregnancy/delivery, she could be hurting, feel she somehow failed ( that is actually really common, and really sad) afraid of getting pregnant again, depressed, who knows. Honestly, the op's best bet is to talk to his wife and a counselor. they are the ones who will best be able to help.
msmolecule Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Threads like these really beg the other side of the story. I'm sure if we heard her tell it, the story would be MUCH, MUCH different. If only people were able to be as brutally honest with themselves as they are with everyone else....
autumnnight Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 The thing is that you are only hearing his side, and it's understandably based. What would her side be? It's impossible to say the cause of the situation is x, y or z without knowing the full story. OP, have you ever asked her if she knows what caused this abrupt change? If so, what did she say? Don't we ALWAYS base our advice on the poster's side, unless both spouses post here? Why can we advise on any number of things, but when a man comes wanting intimacy with his wife, suddenly we basically make assumptions about her side.....
tinalooks808 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 There must be some other issue. If her hormones are not an issue there is something else bothering her, it's very unusual for someone's sex drive to just turn off. Unfortunately, if she doesn't want to address the issue and discuss this there isn't much you can do.
spanz1 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 (edited) I fully understand what you are saying. some men can go without sex and it does not bother them. for me...if we go a whole week without getting laid, I start chewing on the furniture legs. GOOD sex is 2 or 3 times a week. Barely passible sex is 2-3 times a month. Have you asked her what she sexually fantasizes about? that might tell you a lot. For instance, if she says "I do not have fantasies"...then yes she has become asexual and it might be due to hormones. If she says "I want more romance in my life", then that tells you that you are communicating with her poorly, and that the sex might pick up if you down whatever little things SHE wants too (like cuddling, holding hands, little presents, who knows what--she has to tell you). She MAY have already told you what the problem is...but we guys do not always get the subtle clue! She may tell you about some kinky fantasy....and that would be your clue that the sex you are foisting on her is too vanilla. She may hint that she is becoming bisexual, and that might be your hint to find her some lesbian porn, or a threesome if you are willing. and on and on. You have to ask, listen, snoop a little (like is she watching porn or reading hot stories online--find out what type!). Also, she may just be feeling old and un-attractive. Take her to Victorias Secret, and help her pick out flattering lingerie that is much sexier than she would normally buy. Really make an effort to tell her how hot she looks. grab her butt randomly during the day, etc. Show her that you really are still attracted to her. It is WAY too early to give up on the sex unless you spend a GOOD 6 MONTHS doing the above...trying to re-ignite her fire. Edited June 9, 2015 by spanz1 1
ElinK Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Sounds like all men are replying to this discussion. I am female, 45 and going through a similar situation. I crave my husband and would love sex everyday! I have two children from a previous marriage and my husband of 6 years hardly every wants sex. I cannot initiate because he never responds with anything other than, I am not in the mood or I am tired. He's 5 years older than I am. Women my age are in prime. If sex begins to diminish, it's time to see a doctor for hormonal balance, I understand it works quite well. My perspective, as a woman, is that if she will not even kiss you or cuddle, she may not feel attracted to you anymore. You say she's beautiful. Have you gained a lot of weight maybe? Shouldn't matter, but it does to some. I agree, something has changed. Having a kid may change, but not drastically. And why are you doing all of the domestic work (so it sounds like)? We wen to see a sex therapist, she said most women do lose interest in sex (although not completely) and that if we do not cure the issue, I would have an affair. He was great for couple weeks, but then... We discussed his seeing a doctor to have his T count checked. We've talked about this for a year. I just don't initiate anymore, although he drives me absolutely crazy sexually. It's tough when when one spouse is sexual and the other is not so much (or at all). Why are you doing all the domestic chores around the house? (this is how it sounded to me). Why isn't she balancing the chores with you?
ElinK Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 If she says "I want more romance in my life", then that tells you that you are communicating with her poorly, and that the sex might pick up if you down whatever little things SHE wants too (like cuddling, holding hands, little presents, who knows what--she has to tell you). She MAY have already told you what the problem is...but we guys do not always get the subtle clue! My husband tells me that I have to make it extremely clear what I want (in ANYTHING in our relationship) because he does not get it if I am not loud and clear. 1
SammySammy Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 My husband tells me that I have to make it extremely clear what I want (in ANYTHING in our relationship) because he does not get it if I am not loud and clear. He's right. Yet, many women think men should just figure it out without being told or that a hint is enough. Interesting dynamic that causes problems in many relationships. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 My husband tells me that I have to make it extremely clear what I want (in ANYTHING in our relationship) because he does not get it if I am not loud and clear. Well, most men are like this...the thing is men don't actually mind doing those things if you just tell them straight out what you want. If a man can read a woman's mind and he knows exactly what they want and think, chances are he wouldn't have ended up with you because he would have had way more options..he'd probably be single or would be in a relationship with a women he could pluck out of many, don't you think? So be thankful your man is kind of a knuckle head, if he was any better he'd probably have went down a completely different path in life and been a very different man, and would have certainly been with different women that would have led him from the relationship with you to begin with. If he wants to do the things you want him to do, he just simply wants to know...then make it easier on yourself and just tell him in detail like if you're giving instructions to a child without the condescending attitude, don't wish he was something else because if he was he probably wouldn't be next to you. The same dynamic exists with women...lots of women want to know exactly what they need to do in order to be the perfect match for a particular guy that they're interested in.
autumnnight Posted June 10, 2015 Posted June 10, 2015 He's right. Yet, many women think men should just figure it out without being told or that a hint is enough. Interesting dynamic that causes problems in many relationships. I gotta say as a fellow sex starved woman, it kinda blew my mind after hearing all my life how all men want sex for my husband to actually tell me sex would just not occur to him if I didn't explicitly ask. That ain't normal. I can understand I might need to be explicit about how I'd like to spend an anniversary or if I wanted him to wash the dishes more often. But having to spell out sex? Uh.....no
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