Popsicle Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I've never seen a husband actually divorce his wife over this issue. They gripe about it though.
Babs22 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I've never seen a husband actually divorce his wife over this issue. They gripe about it though. What about the thread in this forum by GetSmarter - Resentful about so many years of crappy sex? He has already told his wife he wants a divorce. I think moliverna should read that thread. GetSmarter stuck around for 20 years, his son just graduated from HS and is going away to college and GS says he is done, he doesn't want to be with his wife anymore.
SammySammy Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 LOL no way she was having an affair but i can see how you thought that. Can you explain why you're certain it wasn't an affair? You said she stopped having sex with you suddenly when she was around 39 years old by my calculation. Before the pregnancy. Before the onset of menopause. If none of those things is the cause, what do you think is the problem?
Popsicle Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 What about the thread in this forum by GetSmarter - Resentful about so many years of crappy sex? He has already told his wife he wants a divorce. I think moliverna should read that thread. GetSmarter stuck around for 20 years, his son just graduated from HS and is going away to college and GS says he is done, he doesn't want to be with his wife anymore. He hasn't left yet. It's not over until then. 1
Tayla Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 intimacy can take other forms. Try courting her again and let it be. I would suggest counseling for you as its indeed affecting your marriage. Not saying you are in any way responsible for her refusal to engage willingly in the physical aspect. That, she needs to work on. You simply need a good unbias person to guide you on how to resolve this marital rift. I'd ignore the assumption it was an affair. Her getting a thorough exam may be in order. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 How is it unrealistic to want your spouse to desire sex and want you sexually? Not unrealistic at all, point well taken. But how unrealistic is it to expect a pregnant woman or new Mom to be into daily sex? If she wasn't and the OP went on the offensive, a different dynamic could have developed quickly... Mr. Lucky
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 After 10 years of marriage sex once a week is a good thing,some couples do it once in a month or less:lmao: anyway,try not initiating anything for like a month and see if she will ask for sex I swear to you if i dont initiate it, it will never happen. I have tried it. We did that for 4 months a couple years ago. A therapist she saw once suggested it. It went down to 3 times in 4 months. I tried it 3 weeks ago for a week and a half and nothing happened.
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 that is often a red flag that she was having an affair at that point in time. IF it is just hormonal, have her try "bioidentical seeds", they work better with fewer side effects. Ill look into that. Our health insurance doesn't pay for **** this year. Worst high price insurance ive ever heard of. Anyone else experience this? We've had great insurance for years and now obuma switches everything and we get screwed. My dr called my insurance for coverage on a spinal injection and they said its covered. So we went ahead with it and then the insurance said no it was a mistake i wasn't covered lol.....and i got a bill for $7,900 bucks! That i think should be criminal!
Noideanow Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 WTF so sad when people stay with a partner that doesnt desire them or with someone that they dont desire:( and its happening is my estimation in 9out of10 relationships if not More, so so sad:confused: You can see the frustration on the faces of all those people. And my few cents on a fair number of times to have sex is that it Should be as often as possible and if one rejects the other just one time there should be a very good reason or i will walk out the door, unless i Can Feel i am desired and hes in love with me, no room for doubt. why are people today doormats? By the way Im not a man. Sidenote: be careful what advice you listen to since people like to tell themselves and others that their situation is acceptable even though it isnt, hence trying to tell you to settle for less (two times a week????). Dont accept misery then rather live as roomies and search for true love. 2
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 WTF so sad when people stay with a partner that doesnt desire them or with someone that they dont desire:( and its happening is my estimation in 9out of10 relationships if not More, so so sad:confused: You can see the frustration on the faces of all those people. And my few cents on a fair number of times to have sex is that it Should be as often as possible and if one rejects the other just one time there should be a very good reason or i will walk out the door, unless i Can Feel i am desired and hes in love with me, no room for doubt. why are people today doormats? By the way Im not a man. Sidenote: be careful what advice you listen to since people like to tell themselves and others that their situation is acceptable even though it isnt, hence trying to tell you to settle for less (two times a week????). Dont accept misery then rather live as roomies and search for true love. I feel about the same. Till death do us part though. I cant up and walk out IF shes trying. Even though this cream is being used as a tool to delay sex, she still is trying. I may have an unfair advantage to my sex drive. I got a head injury from my accident and the only lasting side affect is i dont make testosterone anymore. So i take injections every two weeks. It was a fantastic combination with her sex drive 8 years ago. Since shes lost all interest in sex ive been taking less testosterone trying to even us out. Id need to take none to match her though and i wont do that. Its a low dose and it feels great to have the levels of an 18 year old the rest of my life. I am supposed to be on 300 mg every 2 weeks. Im taking 100mg every 2 weeks. I dont mind taking less. A little bit goes a long way for someone who has low test or no test. 2
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 intimacy can take other forms. Try courting her again and let it be. I would suggest counseling for you as its indeed affecting your marriage. Not saying you are in any way responsible for her refusal to engage willingly in the physical aspect. That, she needs to work on. You simply need a good unbias person to guide you on how to resolve this marital rift. I'd ignore the assumption it was an affair. Her getting a thorough exam may be in order. O i knew the affair was almost imposable. No worries there. Counseling for me may help. I was seeing a counselor once for a year. I died in my car accident and nurses car pooling to work behind me stopped and gave me CPR thank god. That and losing my brother when he was only 29 was extremely hard for me to handle. Im doing great after getting coping skills from the counselor. It sure is great to open up to someone without judgment. God i miss him. 1
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 Ok. You say this happened suddenly 7 years ago. You say it was prior to the pregnancy. Are you sure it didn't coincide with her getting pregnant? Perhaps having sex to try to get pregnant took something out of the sex act for her. If made me a bit hornier to actually be trying to get pregnant with my husband. Maybe her hormones did just shut off overnight, but I doubt it. You say she is willing to have sex, but won't do different position and she doesn't initiate. She doesn't want to kiss anymore? And she doesn't want oral. It really sounds like she just isn't that physically in to you anymore. These all sound like things that happened to me when I lost attraction for my H. Possibly hormones, but sounds like something else. If she can not orgasm via intercourse, can she orgasm at all? Do you make sure she orgasms before you do your thing, or does she not like you trying to make her orgasm. Can you make her orgasm other than intercourse? I have never had an orgasm from plain old intercourse. It takes clitoral stimulation for me. Does she allow you to do that? If she is having sex twice a week just to satisfy you, that is pretty darn good. But it sounds like the quality as much as the quantity is bothering you. With a 6 year old to take care of, and it sounds like a job as well (full time?), she is probably just spent by the end of the day and has nothing left to give. Doing different positions takes some energy, she might just not have. Maybe you should both go to the doctor so the doctor might be able to explain her hormone levels to you. Do you work outside the home as well, or is it just her? So it could be 1) Hormones, 2) She might have lost attraction towards you. You laugh at an affair but you say she is hot, so I wouldn't rule it out. I hate to say it but I had an A and lost all attraction to my H, don't want to have sex, hate kissing, and definitely don't want to do oral. My libido is fine with my OM, but the passion and desire were there for OM, not my H. 3) She is worn out from taking care of a six year old and working 4) She no longer experiences orgasms, have you stopped trying or do you make an attempt? Without an orgasm either before, during or after intercourse, sex would lose its appeal. She probably knows the answer to this puzzle, we can sit here and come up with reasons all day long, but she is the one who knows why it stopped suddenly. You need to talk to her, you need more counseling. You said you went once years ago and they suggested you waiting to let her initiate. You need more counseling than that one time. Tell her that if you could understand why her desire disappeared, you could accept it easier. It could also be that she needs to be warmed up a little more before she hops in the sack with you for sex. The cuddling is important. You need to figure out a way to do this, to hold her without you just expecting sex. I am glad you get excited, but could you contain it once in a while? It might knock her socks off, if you would cuddle her or give her a full body massage and not expect anything afterwards. You may have to take care of Mr. Happy yourself on those days, but the reward could be something. How about you give her a massage which ends with you making her orgasm, but you don't expect anything for you, even better. Is that possible? Try starting small, cuddle on the couch, try a foot rub with no strings attached. I think the massage is the best idea, but make sure she knows that you don't expect sex after. It is purely to pleasure her (even without an orgasm). It would be truly giving and unselfish for you to do this for her. I bet she might be more willing to have sex the next time you did recommend it. Do you always have to ask? Can you ever just initiate? What does she do when you initiate without asking? She saw a dr once a couple years back. ONCE and she suggested waiting for her to initiate. It never happened. That technique alone wont work for us. The drive shut off before she got pregnant. I am betting a combination of her medications and maybe the beginning of menopause. No doctor ever figured anything out. She only went once then gave up. She would not have had time for an affair. No way that happened. She can orgasm from a vibrator but not from intercourse. That was part of the change overnight. She doesn't like foreplay i think because she doesn't orgasm from sex no matter what. The vibrator is a little too big to use during sex. Ive gotten a smaller one and she wanted no part in doing or trying something else. She will flirt with me like at the beach in the water when we are together she takes her top off and we are holding each other but when we get home it all changed and she avoids sex. Kinda strange.
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 I've never seen a husband actually divorce his wife over this issue. They gripe about it though. Its not just about sex. 1
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 What about the thread in this forum by GetSmarter - Resentful about so many years of crappy sex? He has already told his wife he wants a divorce. I think moliverna should read that thread. GetSmarter stuck around for 20 years, his son just graduated from HS and is going away to college and GS says he is done, he doesn't want to be with his wife anymore. I did read that. I don't want anymore ideas about leaving. Id like to fix this if possible. Ive suggested we both get counseling but she ignores that. Im sure im part of the problem but she doesn't say it. I want to be with the wife i married.
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 I read the original post and I don't know why, but all that I heard echoing in my head was, "Me me me me me me me me me me. Me me me, me me me me me me me me me me me. Me me me me. Me me me me me me, me me me me me me, me me." Just trying to get a fraction of what WE had back so WE can be happy. You want to be miserable and like it then you go ahead!
Lois_Griffin Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I got a head injury from my accident and the only lasting side affect is i dont make testosterone anymore. So i take injections every two weeks. Have your doctor adjust your dosage. Seriously. Two times a day or even once a day is so over the freakin top after a while. No wonder she eventually burned out. Whether you like it or not, a woman's body changes as she ages. After they have a kid, their priorities change as well. She clearly has a focus on other things now, and having sex 299 times a week isn't high on her list. A bunch of strangers on an internet board cant diagnose your wife and/or tell you what the catalyst was for her sudden complete 180 and disinterest in sex.
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 (edited) Have your doctor adjust your dosage. Seriously. Two times a day or even once a day is so over the freakin top after a while. No wonder she eventually burned out. Whether you like it or not, a woman's body changes as she ages. After they have a kid, their priorities change as well. She clearly has a focus on other things now, and having sex 299 times a week isn't high on her list. A bunch of strangers on an internet board cant diagnose your wife and/or tell you what the catalyst was for her sudden complete 180 and disinterest in sex. Its every two weeks not days! My levels are in the middle of the normal range for men between 18-26. Im not happy with the quality not quantity. Also again this happened before she got pregnant. Edited June 7, 2015 by moliverna
SammySammy Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Its every two weeks not days! My levels are in the middle of the normal range for men between 18-26 You're 36 years old and your wife is 46 years old.
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 You're 36 years old and your wife is 46 years old. Levels decrease a lot after age 30. It wont hurt you have levels of a younger adult male. The medication may hurt you but the levels wont. Go ask a doctor and he will tell you the same. Having low test even in a normal range is not a great thing.
SammySammy Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Levels decrease a lot after age 30. It wont hurt you have levels of a younger adult male. The medication may hurt you but the levels wont. Go ask a doctor and he will tell you the same. Having low test even in a normal range is not a great thing. Your wife is 46 years old. Having sex with a guy with the hormones of a 20 year old is obviously not high on her priority list for whatever reason. One thing that I've noticed during this entire conversation is that you have a lot of rationalizations and justifications for what you want. There's very little concern or consideration for your wife. You have no clue why she doesn't want to have sex with you, but you're cocksure what the reasons cannot be. Do you think it may be time to stop focusing on yourself so much and find out what is going on with your wife? Could putting yourself on the back burner and just ... holding her ... letting her know that she's loved and appreciated without the pressure of constant sex help you get to the bottom of this issue? Could resentment from lack of awareness or consideration be part of the problem? 2
central Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Hormones may be the cause, but many things affect desire. However, for it to have changed so abruptly is very odd. That usually implies an affair (which you've discounted) or some other event in your relationship that turned her off to you sexually, but not so much that she's willing to give up the comforts and convenience of staying married. Sometimes, when one spouse doesn't much desire sex and is also somewhat unhappy, they won't leave but will subtly use their resentment to continually punish their spouse who has disappointed them in some way. I have no idea if this is the case with you, but it is worth considering if there was an event or change in your relationship around the time this started. I divorced my ex primarily over lack of sex and affection. That had of course created other problems over the years as well, so it wasn't only about sex: sex was just the underlying cause for almost all our issues. I was far happier after leaving, and found a new relationship that was better in every way. YMMV, of course.
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 Hormones may be the cause, but many things affect desire. However, for it to have changed so abruptly is very odd. That usually implies an affair (which you've discounted) or some other event in your relationship that turned her off to you sexually, but not so much that she's willing to give up the comforts and convenience of staying married. Sometimes, when one spouse doesn't much desire sex and is also somewhat unhappy, they won't leave but will subtly use their resentment to continually punish their spouse who has disappointed them in some way. I have no idea if this is the case with you, but it is worth considering if there was an event or change in your relationship around the time this started. I divorced my ex primarily over lack of sex and affection. That had of course created other problems over the years as well, so it wasn't only about sex: sex was just the underlying cause for almost all our issues. I was far happier after leaving, and found a new relationship that was better in every way. YMMV, of course. Yea its hard to say. I think counseling would be a good start from here for both of us. If she will go. Ive already suggested it a few times with me being ignored.
central Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Yea its hard to say. I think counseling would be a good start from here for both of us. If she will go. Ive already suggested it a few times with me being ignored. That seems like passive aggressive behavior. Perhaps she's content with things as they are and can't be bothered trying to make changes or having her underlying reasons examined in therapy. It may not be enough that you are very unhappy with status quo, which tells you that you aren't enough of a priority to her.
autumnnight Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 OP, I am a woman, and I feel your pain intensely, having lived it from your side. I am not part of the no sex sisterhood. That said, it is probably abundantly clear to you by page 4 why this rarely gets better. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Seems like you're the only one who cares about this relationship. Look, the only way to send a message to a woman is to be willing to leave her...otherwise if she doesn't fear that, then she has no reason to push herself to do anything to change the relationship. Also if she is depressed or has some other mental issue, she's not going to care anyway, she's going to be wrapped up into her self and her own feelings...yours come at the bottom of the list. Not sure why you insist on going in circles, you're forcing a square peg into a round hole, and relationships aren't meant to last forever. You're lucky if you get into a relationship in your 30's that last the test of time...like actually lasts it through love and all of that, not just all these other reasons people stay together to call it a success. You've been with this woman 15 years, and complaining about this for 7...when are you going to get this through your head she doesn't want to change and the reason she changed is irrelevant. The fact is this is the way it is and women don't often have that kind of self-awareness to analyze themselves and understand themselves, all they want to do is feel better and for things to magically be better. Other than therapy, there is no rational self-work taking place more often than not...they just "go with the flow". You need to move on and capture happiness back in your life, it was a long 15 years, you had good times/memories and things you'll never forget yadda yadda...but there's no reason to deal with this for 7 more years or even one more year...there are plenty of women out there, plenty of good single women that actually want to treat men right for you to stay with a vampire who just chooses to drain the resources for her own benefit...don't give them the pleasure and satisfaction by doing that and I guarantee you that these "sexless" women will have their legs opening up real quick once they have to lock down another man.
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