moliverna Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 (edited) OK I am a white mail 36 yeas old. Been married to my wife for ten years now. Been with her for nearly 15. Up until 8 years ago we had sex daily and sometimes 4 times a day. She liked it, enjoyed it and initiated lots of it. About 7 years ago her sex drive pulled a 180 and its in negative numbers. Every time i ask its delayed a day at least. So it then becomes an appointment. She has never initiated sex in over 7 years now. Not ONCE! She wont do oral at all anymore and doesn't want me to give it either. If all we lost was oral i could live with that. But we lost everything. Ive been talking to her for 6 years about it. I hated the swing backwards our sex life took. If i didn't ask for it we would NEVER have sex. She got real crabby about it 6 weeks or so ago and i got upset about it. I didn't talk to her for a few days. I am getting depressed. Now she is 10 years older than I am and im sure her hormones are off and or low. I told her again i was upset about this whole situation. She went to a therapist once two years ago and suggested we switch lube and I wait for her to initiate. Well ****ing great its obvious he was unaware of our issues because that doesn't work. I told her 6 weeks ago i cant go on like this. I get upset and now im getting depressed. I said we ill go to counseling with you if you want but you need to see someone for this. She said sorry ill make an appointment with a doctor. She saw someone and they suggested estrogen. It seemed to help for a week but i suspect it was just her pretending things were changing because we are right back where we started before the dr appt. Shes used the cream as a tool to delay as well now. I just dont know what to do anymore. Shes not taking my concerns seriously. We have little to know stress in life. Money is no issue. I was in a car wreck when i was 18 and lets just say money will never be an issue. She is a good person but does not care about my feelings. I think this issue we have that shes not trying to fix is pushing me away.... Edited June 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OldRover Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 She does need some help in getting her sex drive up a bit. I would have a HUGE issue with this, and hope you get it solved. Don't give up on getting her help.... a lot of it's in the mind. And there's lots of things that cause it. Try to find out and correct that. Also, set some reasonable ground rules where you at least have some good time in bed... perhaps a few times a week. Find out things that may make her feel better in bed... maybe rubbing a bit, or a massage, or whatever. Also, make time for just a simple romantic situation prior... or perhaps help her with chores or things she needs to do prior too.... Keep us posted
autumnnight Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 I'm sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain. 2
Babs22 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Seven years ago, her sex drive just disappeared? Was this like overnight, or did it just decrease slowly over time. 7 hears ago she was only like 40. I wouldn't expect her sex drive would dry up that early. I'm in my late 40s and my sex drive is strong as ever. If my sex drive decreases, I am going straight to a doctor, because I enjoy sex and don't want to stop having it. Does she still orgasm when you have sex. Will she let you help her orgasm? It sounds like she liked and enjoyed sex with you prior to 7 years ago. Did anything that you can think of change 7 years ago? Is it possible she had an affair or something? Do you two have children? Is she depressed? Is it possible she isn't physically attracted to you anymore? Not sure why she would stay married if that is the case, except you just said you would never have to worry about money. How is your relationship in other matters? Do you do things together, does she like to cuddle and hold hands? Do you share and talk about things? Or have those things gone down hill too? If MC and going to the doctor don't help, you may not want to stay in this relationship any longer.
Author moliverna Posted June 6, 2015 Author Posted June 6, 2015 I don't think there's anything more i could do to change this. Now we have sex about twice a week but only because i want it and ask for it. Its the same way every time for 7 years now. She has no interest in doing it any other way. We used to do it ten different ways. Whenever i ask to do it a way we used to shed either ignore me or mumble something and just do it the same way we have been. She hasn't had an orgasm from intercourse in 7 years. It all started then. She doesn't enjoy it at all. I know hormones are involved. Shes 46 now.
Author moliverna Posted June 6, 2015 Author Posted June 6, 2015 (edited) Seven years ago, her sex drive just disappeared? Was this like overnight, or did it just decrease slowly over time. 7 hears ago she was only like 40. I wouldn't expect her sex drive would dry up that early. I'm in my late 40s and my sex drive is strong as ever. If my sex drive decreases, I am going straight to a doctor, because I enjoy sex and don't want to stop having it. Does she still orgasm when you have sex. Will she let you help her orgasm? It sounds like she liked and enjoyed sex with you prior to 7 years ago. Did anything that you can think of change 7 years ago? Is it possible she had an affair or something? Do you two have children? Is she depressed? Is it possible she isn't physically attracted to you anymore? Not sure why she would stay married if that is the case, except you just said you would never have to worry about money. How is your relationship in other matters? Do you do things together, does she like to cuddle and hold hands? Do you share and talk about things? Or have those things gone down hill too? If MC and going to the doctor don't help, you may not want to stay in this relationship any longer. It was pretty much overnight. Not even a slow decrease. Kinda strange. Shes allergic to a lot of things and always taking antihistamines so who knows if some medications have played a roll in it. Nothing dramatic happened back then. She never been abused in any way in her past. She loved sex before. We have a 6 year old boy. We dont cuddle much because i get worked up so easily and shes not interested in sex. She wont kiss me anymore except a peck on my lips as shes leaving for work. We do things and we talk but the emotional connection is gone. Im not interested in staying in this relationship if she wont take this serious and try to get help. One appointment is a band aid and not what we need.. Edited June 7, 2015 by moliverna
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 If a doctor said she had some illness that caused this and there is nothing that can help her id never leave her for that. Id never abandon someone for being sick with no cure. But thats not whats going on. I believe this can be treated. I just don't think shes taking me serious about how unhappy i am with this. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Now we have sex about twice a week but only because i want it and ask for it. Every couple is different and I understand you disconnect but - are you sure your expectations are realistic ??? I don't know many couples with small children having daily sex. And if your child is 6 and this started 7 years ago, was it tied to her pregnancy in some way? Just wondering if pressure you put on her as a new Mother has led to some bad habits for both of you... Mr. Lucky 3
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 She does need some help in getting her sex drive up a bit. I would have a HUGE issue with this, and hope you get it solved. Don't give up on getting her help.... a lot of it's in the mind. And there's lots of things that cause it. Try to find out and correct that. Also, set some reasonable ground rules where you at least have some good time in bed... perhaps a few times a week. Find out things that may make her feel better in bed... maybe rubbing a bit, or a massage, or whatever. Also, make time for just a simple romantic situation prior... or perhaps help her with chores or things she needs to do prior too.... Keep us posted I do %90 of the chores already. I buy all groceries, get all out bottled water (20 gallons every 5 days) clean the house and do all the maintenance. Handle all the bills and deal with everything. I am not saying she does nothing but she has a very stress free life with me.
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 Every couple is different and I understand you disconnect but - are you sure your expectations are realistic ??? I don't know many couples with small children having daily sex. And if your child is 6 and this started 7 years ago, was it tied to her pregnancy in some way? Just wondering if pressure you put on her as a new Mother has led to some bad habits for both of you... Mr. Lucky Maybe your right. I wouldn't say i expect it daily or any amount. But going from 2 times daily on average to NEVER wanting it pretty much overnight is extremely drastic for me. I dont think anything is tied to the pregnancy......This is something we both loved to do. There was no pressure with sex 7 years ago. Shes a Syrian blonde hair, green eyes with an incredible body. She got her figure back about 6 months after the pregnancy. She is beautiful and She has no insecurities there.
Babs22 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 You said nothing happened 7 years ago but then you said you have a six year old son. That means seven years ago she got pregnant. That's kind of a significant fact. Perhaps she didn't want to be pregnant. Or she really wanted it, but being pregnant took away her sex drive. It had the opposite effect on me. Maybe all she wanted was to be pregnant and once that happened she was done. I don't know but that is a significant event that took place around the time your sex life ended. Maybe she switched into mommy mode and didn't feel like hot sex goes with being a mom. If you adopted , then I'm not sure what happened except she switched to mom mode. Either way, I think there is a connection between the two events.
Hope Shimmers Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Every couple is different and I understand you disconnect but - are you sure your expectations are realistic ??? How is it unrealistic to want your spouse to desire sex and want you sexually? 3
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 I in no way want a divorce. My son would be hurt by this. However if there is a solution and she refuses to try to meet me somewhere in or near the middle, i wont stay here unhappy because we have a son. Why should i be unhappy because she doesn't care about my feelings Ive been telling her about for 6 years now. Yes we still have sex but shes only there to get it over with. She does not enjoy it and would never have sex if i didn't ask for it. Thats a ****ty feeling.
spanz1 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 It was pretty much overnight. Not even a slow decrease. Kinda strange. that is often a red flag that she was having an affair at that point in time. IF it is just hormonal, have her try "bioidentical seeds", they work better with fewer side effects.
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 You said nothing happened 7 years ago but then you said you have a six year old son. That means seven years ago she got pregnant. That's kind of a significant fact. Perhaps she didn't want to be pregnant. Or she really wanted it, but being pregnant took away her sex drive. It had the opposite effect on me. Maybe all she wanted was to be pregnant and once that happened she was done. I don't know but that is a significant event that took place around the time your sex life ended. Maybe she switched into mommy mode and didn't feel like hot sex goes with being a mom. If you adopted , then I'm not sure what happened except she switched to mom mode. Either way, I think there is a connection between the two events. I dont think its a switch to mom mode at all. An overnight switch from 2 times daily to never wanting it, never having an orgasm and that not bothering her??? She had the baby and it was a c section. She didnt even plan on getting married she said but when she met me that changed and then she wanted to get married. Then we both wanted a child. We both wanted a warmer climate so we moved last year from MN to SW florida and love it here.
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 that is often a red flag that she was having an affair at that point in time. IF it is just hormonal, have her try "bioidentical seeds", they work better with fewer side effects. LOL no way she was having an affair but i can see how you thought that.
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 We are down in Florida in a temporary place. We were looking for land to buy so we can build. Now im thinking of holding off buying anything till this gets worked out one way or another. We both have a lot of money in our name so if we divorced it wouldn't be a big mess with the money situation. I hope it doesn't get that far!
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 Also after being with her for 15 years i still buy her flowers on a regular basis. I never expect sex from it because there is only one way i get sex and its by asking for it after its been a few days. Flowers, doing chores for her, laundry ect never results in sex. So i dont expect it ever. Im getting pissed off just thinking about it. If it wasnt for this one issue we would be very happy.
Curdie Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I dont think its a switch to mom mode at all. An overnight switch from 2 times daily to never wanting it, never having an orgasm and that not bothering her??? She had the baby and it was a c section. She didnt even plan on getting married she said but when she met me that changed and then she wanted to get married. Then we both wanted a child. We both wanted a warmer climate so we moved last year from MN to SW florida and love it here. You two made another human being and she had to have major abdominal surgery to bring that human being into the world, but you don't classify that as a major life change? Well, that clearly demonstrates one major libido killer right there. Sorry, but I can't imagine being attracted to a man who was so flippant about my health, my child's health, or my child's very existence. Also, expecting sex as a "reward" for doing the laundry, helping with chores, or otherwise acting like a responsible adult is another turn off. I mean, really? You're angry because your wife doesn't trade sexual favors for help around the house? Throwing a temper tantrum and giving her the silent treatment... Not sexy. At all. I'd say that you both need therapy, not just her. Going back to your attitude about her pregnancy, did you pressure her into having sex at any time during the pregnancy or postpartum period? It's odd for a woman who previously had a robust libido and frequent orgasms to just stop. Sounds to me like some sort of trauma. I've known a lot of women who are pretty much incapable of enjoying sex with their husbands because the husband simply would not take no for an answer during the postpartum period. It's hard to loosen up and enjoy yourself with someone who took advantage of you for his own pleasure during your most vulnerable time. I don't want to sound accusatory, but this is something you really should consider. If "only" having sex twice a week is upsetting you so much, your wife's recovery period must have been incredibly tense. And lastly, early menopause is real. If that's the root of all these problems you're going to have to decide if your family or your sexual gratification is more important, because hormone therapy only does so much and it's pretty strongly linked to cancer. She may decide that it's not worth the money or risk. 1
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 (edited) You two made another human being and she had to have major abdominal surgery to bring that human being into the world, but you don't classify that as a major life change? Well, that clearly demonstrates one major libido killer right there. Sorry, but I can't imagine being attracted to a man who was so flippant about my health, my child's health, or my child's very existence. Also, expecting sex as a "reward" for doing the laundry, helping with chores, or otherwise acting like a responsible adult is another turn off. I mean, really? You're angry because your wife doesn't trade sexual favors for help around the house? Throwing a temper tantrum and giving her the silent treatment... Not sexy. At all. I'd say that you both need therapy, not just her. Going back to your attitude about her pregnancy, did you pressure her into having sex at any time during the pregnancy or postpartum period? It's odd for a woman who previously had a robust libido and frequent orgasms to just stop. Sounds to me like some sort of trauma. I've known a lot of women who are pretty much incapable of enjoying sex with their husbands because the husband simply would not take no for an answer during the postpartum period. It's hard to loosen up and enjoy yourself with someone who took advantage of you for his own pleasure during your most vulnerable time. I don't want to sound accusatory, but this is something you really should consider. If "only" having sex twice a week is upsetting you so much, your wife's recovery period must have been incredibly tense. And lastly, early menopause is real. If that's the root of all these problems you're going to have to decide if your family or your sexual gratification is more important, because hormone therapy only does so much and it's pretty strongly linked to cancer. She may decide that it's not worth the money or risk. Can you read? I said i don't expect it. I was referring to the person who said to do things like chores for her. The change happened before the pregnancy. Also there was nothing traumatic that happened. It just stopped. I was pushing for counseling VS medication. If im at fault id like to change but im not really sure. I also think that you are reading alot more into this....ive met people just like you before. Im not making fun of you. Im just saying.. Edited June 7, 2015 by moliverna
adna89 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Also after being with her for 15 years i still buy her flowers on a regular basis. I never expect sex from it because there is only one way i get sex and its by asking for it after its been a few days. Flowers, doing chores for her, laundry ect never results in sex. So i dont expect it ever. Im getting pissed off just thinking about it. If it wasnt for this one issue we would be very happy. After 10 years of marriage sex once a week is a good thing,some couples do it once in a month or less:lmao: anyway,try not initiating anything for like a month and see if she will ask for sex 1
Author moliverna Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 Yes well there's a difference between someone enjoying it and only there to get it over with.
Curdie Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 (edited) Also after being with her for 15 years i still buy her flowers on a regular basis. I never expect sex from it because there is only one way i get sex and its by asking for it after its been a few days. Flowers, doing chores for her, laundry ect never results in sex. So i dont expect it ever. Im getting pissed off just thinking about it. If it wasnt for this one issue we would be very happy. Yes, I can read. And you clearly wrote that you're "pissed off" because flowers and chores do not result in sex. You "don't expect it ever " (not ever apparently means twice a week) because your efforts don't put your wife in the mood. Are you sure this isn't just an excuse? Sounds to me like your wife is putting in plenty of effort. Taking hormones, going to counseling, and still giving you sex twice a week despite the fact that she's clearly having difficulty with her libido. And yet you are just so angry with her. You belittle her efforts and claim she's just pretending while the extent of your efforts are badgering her for sex, giving her the silent treatment, doing chores, and buying flowers. I don't recall anything in your op about other measures you've taken to help her. It's all been about how she needs to fix her problem. Sounds rather dysfunctional to me... I highly suggest couple's therapy. Eta: Not traumatic for you, obviously. If something did happen she may not have even voiced her objections. And if by people like me you mean people who get really ticked off at certain cultures' attitudes that postpartum women should just suck it up and get back to work a la "the good earth," I'll take that as a compliment. Seriously though, give it some thought. And talk to her about it. Communication helps. Edited June 7, 2015 by Curdie 1
msmolecule Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I read the original post and I don't know why, but all that I heard echoing in my head was, "Me me me me me me me me me me. Me me me, me me me me me me me me me me me. Me me me me. Me me me me me me, me me me me me me, me me." 2
Babs22 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I don't think there's anything more i could do to change this. Now we have sex about twice a week but only because i want it and ask for it. Its the same way every time for 7 years now. She has no interest in doing it any other way. We used to do it ten different ways. Whenever i ask to do it a way we used to shed either ignore me or mumble something and just do it the same way we have been. She hasn't had an orgasm from intercourse in 7 years. It all started then. She doesn't enjoy it at all. I know hormones are involved. Shes 46 now. Ok. You say this happened suddenly 7 years ago. You say it was prior to the pregnancy. Are you sure it didn't coincide with her getting pregnant? Perhaps having sex to try to get pregnant took something out of the sex act for her. If made me a bit hornier to actually be trying to get pregnant with my husband. Maybe her hormones did just shut off overnight, but I doubt it. You say she is willing to have sex, but won't do different position and she doesn't initiate. She doesn't want to kiss anymore? And she doesn't want oral. It really sounds like she just isn't that physically in to you anymore. These all sound like things that happened to me when I lost attraction for my H. Possibly hormones, but sounds like something else. If she can not orgasm via intercourse, can she orgasm at all? Do you make sure she orgasms before you do your thing, or does she not like you trying to make her orgasm. Can you make her orgasm other than intercourse? I have never had an orgasm from plain old intercourse. It takes clitoral stimulation for me. Does she allow you to do that? If she is having sex twice a week just to satisfy you, that is pretty darn good. But it sounds like the quality as much as the quantity is bothering you. With a 6 year old to take care of, and it sounds like a job as well (full time?), she is probably just spent by the end of the day and has nothing left to give. Doing different positions takes some energy, she might just not have. Maybe you should both go to the doctor so the doctor might be able to explain her hormone levels to you. Do you work outside the home as well, or is it just her? So it could be 1) Hormones, 2) She might have lost attraction towards you. You laugh at an affair but you say she is hot, so I wouldn't rule it out. I hate to say it but I had an A and lost all attraction to my H, don't want to have sex, hate kissing, and definitely don't want to do oral. My libido is fine with my OM, but the passion and desire were there for OM, not my H. 3) She is worn out from taking care of a six year old and working 4) She no longer experiences orgasms, have you stopped trying or do you make an attempt? Without an orgasm either before, during or after intercourse, sex would lose its appeal. She probably knows the answer to this puzzle, we can sit here and come up with reasons all day long, but she is the one who knows why it stopped suddenly. You need to talk to her, you need more counseling. You said you went once years ago and they suggested you waiting to let her initiate. You need more counseling than that one time. Tell her that if you could understand why her desire disappeared, you could accept it easier. It could also be that she needs to be warmed up a little more before she hops in the sack with you for sex. The cuddling is important. You need to figure out a way to do this, to hold her without you just expecting sex. I am glad you get excited, but could you contain it once in a while? It might knock her socks off, if you would cuddle her or give her a full body massage and not expect anything afterwards. You may have to take care of Mr. Happy yourself on those days, but the reward could be something. How about you give her a massage which ends with you making her orgasm, but you don't expect anything for you, even better. Is that possible? Try starting small, cuddle on the couch, try a foot rub with no strings attached. I think the massage is the best idea, but make sure she knows that you don't expect sex after. It is purely to pleasure her (even without an orgasm). It would be truly giving and unselfish for you to do this for her. I bet she might be more willing to have sex the next time you did recommend it. Do you always have to ask? Can you ever just initiate? What does she do when you initiate without asking?
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