Fiancé broke up from one day to another

[rosazara]

Hello,

 

I just need to post this here. I think I'm losing my mind. My fiancé (31) broke up with me (almost 28) over a week ago, completely out of the blue, and has been treating me like **** ever since and I feel so terrible, I cannot even describe it.

 

We had been dating for almost three years, living together for two. We always had a few problems, but I never thought they were serious. Early this year, we moved to another city because he got transferred there by his work. I came with him, even though we weren't engaged. He wanted me so badly to come with him, and I was so happy. We moved in the end of January, far away from my family and friends, closer to his family and friends. In early February, he proposed. I can't describe how happy I was, and we were planning our wedding for Spring next year. Everything was so great, and a month ago, we decided to buy a house together and signed the contract. We also went on a wonderful trip to South America a month ago.

 

Then, two weeks weeks ago, I went on a business trip and to visit my family, I was going to be gone for almost two weeks. When we said goodbye everything was still wonderful, and he said he loves me and can't wait til I'm back. We texted as we always did, and usually he always wanted to skype with me, this time he didn't ask, so I asked. He said sure, but didn't go online the time we arranged, without any explanation or anything. Later he said his phone died, nothing else. No sorry and no 'Let's skype later today instead'. Nothing. I pretended that it was okay and waited another two days. Still no proposal to skype. We kept texting a few times a day, and when I wrote 'I love you so much' he didn't even really reply, just said 'Good night'. I felt like something was wrong. I texted him that I'm confused, and that I feel like it's not important to him to talk to me. He got angry and suddenly said that I'm judging his behaviour and that he didn't do anything wrong and that he doesn't want to apologize. I told him that it wasn't a big deal at all, and that I don't understand why he's suddenly making such a big deal out of it, since I basically only told him that I feel like I'm not getting enough attention these days. He was super angry, and I told him that when he's ready to talk he should call or skype me, because I feel like this WhatsApp conversation isn't leading to anything. He said okay.

 

I didn't hear from him for three days, not even a text or anything. His mom called me once to ask how I am (she always does that when I'm gone) and mentioned that my fiancé went to surf to an island for the weekend, two flight hours from here. I was very confused, because he hadn't told me anything about that. I then messaged him, asking why he's still ignoring me. He wrote back that he's not ignoring me, but that he doesn't know what to say and that he feels like we're at two different points in life. I couldn't believe what he said. I told him to call me. He called me finally, and said that he thinks we have a lot of problems and that in the last two days he thought about our relationship and that he thinks it's not going anywhere. I bursted out in tears, couldn't believe what I was hearing, said I will hang up now, and hung up. I then didn't hear anything from him anymore, not even on the day I took the flight back to the city we moved to just four months ago. He didn't even ask me if I arrived safely or anything. When I arrived at the apartment, he wasn't there. I tried to call him, no answer. The next day (today) I called his mom, no answer. Then his aunt, and she told me that he went on a trip with his mom (not unusual, he's a mama boy). Another shock for me- Again, he hadn't told me anything. A few hours later, he finally called me, sounded super distant. He said he called me because his aunt called him and told him to call me. He confirmed what his aunt had told me and that he'll be back Monday and that he still wants to break up.

 

 

I feel like my world is falling apart. This man was everything to me, and I trusted him so much. Then, from a day to another, he just breaks up with me on the phone(!!!!) after a stupid little argument, saying that there is no future because we're at different points (WTF? He asked me to marry him just a few months ago, and we had so many future plans. Nothing major has happened in the last few months). And not just that he broke up- I feel like now he's even treating me with no respect at all. He goes on trips without telling me, doesn't contact me at all, doesn't even bother to be at home when I get back from my trip, sounded super cold when I talked to him, like if now he doesn't give a **** about me anymore at all. I cannot believe this is really happening. We just bought a house together, still have a lease together and just got engaged, share so much history and so many future plans and suddenly he breaks up for no reason at all. How can you suddenly be like this, from a day to another, to a person you said you loved so much? I feel lost, sad, desperate.

 

I'm now planning to pack my things and leave, try to sell the house, move away. But god, it hurts so much, words cannot describe it. Not sure if I can trust anyone ever again, since I have trusted him so so much. And now at 27, almost 28, I feel like I'm too old to start dating again. I feel like I don't even want to date, in the end I will just get my heart broken again.

 

Not sure why I posted this, maybe to hear some similar stories and how you guys got over this.

 

 

Thank you.

[umirano]

He sounds sociopathic. I'm sorry for you. Go nc and avoid mama boys from now on.

[LostOnes05]

Sounds like a dirtbag to me. That's a real sh*t thing to do to someone. Had you move and the whole nine yards. Probably ran into an old girlfriend and some dumb friends that put ideas in his head. That would explain the sudden hostility. Speaking from the experience delete/block their numbers, his aunt's number, mom and everyone associated with his family. There is no reason to maintain contact now. Don't contact him (AT ALL) because it will only give him validation. If you begin to think about him, think about having to move and the way he has been treating you lately. Move back home and get a gym membership, run or anything that will help you blow off steam.

 

I'm 28 (guy), and you are not old!! It does suck to start again, but better to be single than committed to someone who isn't committed to you! And please don't go running back if he decides 6 months from now that he screwed up. Live your life the best that you can, and understand that he is just one less worry to deal with.

[Yookie]

Oh wow, I feel your pain. This was a terrible way to have a relationship end. If it's any consolation, it sounds like he is avoiding you because he's too chicken to be face to face with you right now. It's not that he doesn't care. He is just too cowardly to face you. He's being cold because he doesn't want to see your pain or hear you cry which might make him waffle out of his decision.

 

Sounds like he was never fully on-board with the marriage but just going though the motions and doing what everyone expected since you guys have been together for a while. If you think about whatever the major/recurring issues were in your relationship you can probably figure out why he made the seemingly sudden about-face. It may be an issue solely with HIM.. nothing you did in particular.

[rosazara]

Thank you so much for your answers. It is so hard for me. I cry so much, and I sleep very bad. I usually dream of him, or have nightmares. I wake up at 4 or 5 every morning, doesn't matter what time I went to bed. It hurts so freaking much and I don't know how it will be possible to ever trust anyone again.

 

I think about all the amazing and wonderful moments we had together, and how I did everything for him. I remember how many times I prepared surprises for him or baked him cakes or whatever, and now I feel like I was a huge idiot and that he never appreciated me at all. I feel worthless, even though I know that I shouldn't.

[katiegrl]

OMG, what the hell...his behavior sounds crazy! I am so sorry!

 

Could it be cold feet or nerves, anxiety or phobia about the huge commitment he is about to make? Sounds like he is panicking and liyerally needs to escape! And does not care who he hurts (you!) in the process.

 

He is displaying classic commitmentphobia symptoms....FIGHT or FLIGHT!

 

First it was fight....now it's flight.

 

It is not you! Not that that is any consolation....your world is still shattered.

 

I am so sorry...keep coming here for support if it helps.

 

(((Big group big)))

[Eternal Sunshine]

Men generally take a lot of time to decide to leave someone. Women are more likely to leave on a whim. It's likely that he displayed signs of gradually checking out that you either ignored or didn't pick up on.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Oh man. What a jerk. It's one thing to change your mind about relationship, quite another to break up with someone you have agreed to marry on the PHONE. What a douche.

 

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain right now. I had a similar experience back in the end of 2012 when I was 25, a man I had been with two years and was living with suddenly told me that he didn't think we were working out, three hours later he'd packed a bag and left and I never saw him again for a year, when I happened to bump into him. I asked why he'd left and he said he just didn't feel loved, which showed me that he'd been having thoughts of ending it for weeks before he actually did. I genuinely had no idea something was wrong, people say that there are always signs you just didn't see them, but some people are really good at hiding their feelings rather than talking them out.

 

Either he has been feeling this way for a while (in which case why buy a house a month ago?) or he's met someone else and realises he has to explore that and doesn't want to be a cheat. Unfortunately, either way there's nothing you can do but scrape your dignity up, part ways, NEVER beg for someone back, if they don't want you they're not a person you want to be with, trust me.

 

This will be possibly the hardest challenge of your life to get past, I know my surprise breakup was the most painful thing I have ever witnessed, even over the death of a parent. It made me so nervous to date anyone seriously again but eventually you recover. Two and a bit years later after a couple really short relationships I met an awesome guy and we moved in together six months later, been together 16 months now and what happened out of the blue with my ex really stuck in my mind and made me nervous at times in case it happened again but the thing with love is that you can either go for it, and have a chance at a fantastic reward, or you can opt out of the game, avoid the acute pain but definitely not end up with the fantastic reward most of us are looking for (a long, stable, secure, loving relationship with someone we think is amazing).

 

I'm really sorry once again. It'll be quite some time before you stop reeling, you deserve better than this, everybody does. Get some space if you can, go stay with the people who love you whoever they are (friends saved me) and let yourself cry, have some support to sort the legal issues out because it will be agony to have to see him, find yourself someplace to live if you can because the memories in that house will likely make it impossible to keep healing, depending on who wants to stay there, if either of you do.

 

You will feel like you're losing your mind for a long time. I remember for the first few weeks everything in my body hurt all of the time, it was crazy. I had to go stay at a friend's house and remember showering in their bathroom feeling the sponge actually hurt my skin. Waking up every day I wished I hadn't, not in a suicidal way just in a way where I wanted to be numb to the world. It was the biggest effort ever to go through the motions of a normal life while I felt like I had died inside. I just focused on music and friends to get me through and threw myself into my work and studies and friendships and eventually it worked and I felt human again. Also bear in mind you have a great relationship with his Mother at the moment, don't let it take you by surprise if that ends. I found the most painful part was his family, who I was so close to, shut me out and closed ranks as soon as he left me, even though I had done nothing wrong. I felt I'd lost a whole heap of people at once, and I don't want you to be shocked if she goes cold and distant herself, she's just protecting her young.

 

All the best, I'm thinking of you, you don't realise how strong you are until you have no choice but to be strong, but you can do this xx

[bluegreen]

No one makes this decision in day EVER

He cheated is still and wants out but has no balls to come clean.

I would drag his assistant over coals for u but what is is use of that?

 

 

 

Now is time to think of you in full sense of word

HUGS

[rosazara]

Of course it is absolutely possible that he had been thinking about this for a longer time, but I swear, there were no signs at all. I mean, he proposed three months ago. We have never really talked about marriage before, so it definitely didn't happen out of pressure. A month ago, we signed the contract for the house. He really seemed to want that. He seemed so happy. I remember other things, how a few weeks back he wrote me the cutest WhatsApp message when I was at work, saying how much he loves me and that I cannot imagine how big his feelings are for me. Or how he asked me about a trip he wanted to do with me in August. Or how we talked about how we would name our kids. I also remember asking him once if he sometimes worries about us fighting (which doesn't happen very often), he hugged me and said that he really doesn't, and that it is normal to fight sometimes.

 

I honestly don't think there is someone else, I know that this is usually the first thing that comes in mind. He never went out alone and even with some of his hobbies (swimming and football) he often asked me to come with him, because he liked me watching him. His ex-girlfriends live far away, even in a different country, so I highly doubt that there is any connection. I rather think it's fear of commitment, or that in his crazy mind our relationship is suddenly not good enough for him anymore. I don't understand though why he has to punish me this way, to hurt me this way and to ignore me and be so cold. I didn't do anything to deserve that.

[katiegrl]

roza, I said this before but I suspect it is fear of the commitment too...which means after some time and space away from you , the situation and the pressure he WILL be back.

 

He will miss you and may even want you back. DON'T do it!

 

You have seen his true colors now....and it would be a mistake getting back with this guy knowing he has this fear and how he handles pressure (shutting you out, being cruel and insensitive)...

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Omei]

I tried to write to you last night but my phone ran out of power

 

Im sorry this happened to you /hugs sounds like a hard time

 

I just wanted to say to you I know you said it feels like how could you ever trust someone again or have faith in a relationship, you will...you just have to remember each person is different and try to not let your past hinder your future with people. People are always changing sometimes they change with you and sometimes they don't if there's anything ive learned from long term relationships is the person you start with may not be the same person years down the road it sucks big time. You will likely be on guard and very weary now but in time you can open up again its the chance we take.

 

I feel you though it's so hard to understand I still don't understand as a dumpee how someone loves you one day and its a different story the next its like it comes from no where, it feels like as if some alien has invaded them and they're a different person over night ((((hugs))))

[J21]

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear of this. I can't believe this happened.

 

28 is not too old to start dating again. Just heal up and when you're ready you will know. I'm turning 33 (and still single), and it seems like every time I log in facebook someone is engaged, got married or having a baby ugh.

 

It's gonna hurt, but that's just how love goes sometimes.

Edited June 7, 2015 by J21

[acrosstheuniverse]

Thing is, whether there were signs or not is irrelevant. As an adult it's his responsibility if he's worried about the relationship to come to you and talk it out and work on things. Look at how he's acted, he doesn't want the relationship or he would have fought for it. Change of hearts can happen quickly, perhaps it was signing on tne house that made him freak out, given that it's your first contractual obligation to one another and being together.

 

But whatever it is, it doesn't matter now. Those memories of the good things that happened and how he made you feel will fade to grey and stop hurting so much at some point. After a few months I found the pain less acute, and the more time that passes the more memories you'll be forced to make that don't incolve or include him.

 

This is a really huge deal and a big loss. Are the people in your life taking care of you? Please remember how many of us have been through it and lived to tell the tale. You will survive.

[candie13]

severe case of cold feet combined with GIGS. His sudden trip made him realize that he is missing out on a lot of other things in life.

 

I know it sucks to hear, but it's not you, it's him. He is indeed very immature.

 

There is nothing worse that hanging around, hoping he would change his mind. Ever heard of blitzkreig? It's how the Germans almost won the war - surprise aggressive attacks on unsuspecting cities. If I were you, I would do a blitzkreig move out from his apartment and life. Literally disappear from the face of the Earth. Contact your lawyers to understand how to get out of the contract and how to make him pay for this change of heart - but only after you've disappeared.

 

I mean it, he must get home and not see you stuff anymore. Not see you. Not see anything reminding him you ever lived there. By doing this, you are doing three things: 1. speeding up the recovery process, 2. shocking him and 3. giving both yourself and him time to grieve.

 

Just get out of that place asap. Like by tonight.