dg82 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Hi, this is my first post and I seek advice. I am 33 years old and have Asperger. I have a 28 year old girlfriend, who is a psychologist. (the pairing is just a coincidence only) We have been together for 2 years, and she is my first girlfriend. On our relationship: I would say it was pretty good. I didn't see any problems we had, so the below came out of the blue for me... We had nearly 0 arguments and have never shouted with each other. On my condition: I know my limitations, I have difficulties to understand social situations, I have a daily routine that is mostly comfortable to me, and yes, I think that everything can be put in black/white, it just sounds logical to me. However I try extremely hard to overcome my limitations. In work, I am successful, I am senior IT consultant, with good salary, good company car, etc... I am not a bad person, people around me often say I am the best person they know. I try to make everything to negate my condition. I travel, even with plane which I find very uncomfortable, but I do it anyway as I think it is important. Also my relationship is a long distance one, so mostly every Saturday I make a 3,5 hours journey, and Sunday night the same back. So all in all, I can do other stuff than just sitting at home. My situation: A month ago, right after my birthday she told she has problems with our relationship. She assured me that no other guy was involved, but she asked a month time of thinking. I told I do not need a month to know what I feel, but I agreed. We also agreed to speak once in every week. So I did not contact her apart from those once in a week occasions. At the end, she told she would like to break up. I did not like that, especially that I did not want our relationship end after 2 years on Skype... She mentioned some problems, that I am not flexible enough, and other minor things and she mentioned she does not feel love as before. She never told that these are no go to her, and I never had the chance to even try to fix these. I told her she should have mentioned these 3 month (she dates her 'fed up' begun 3 months ago) ago and we should have worked together to fix these. She snapped back that she tried to tolerate these, so she was actually working on our relationship a lot. However I think that one person cannot work on that without telling the other, as it won't have an effect. I think I can only work alone on my problems, or together on our problems, but how can someone work on someone else's problems without letting him know... All in all, she agreed on having 3 dates to make up her mind... one will be on 13th June, in a zoo (it's a neutral place and it's nice). The second will be on 4th of July, on a Lindsey Stirling concert. The last one will be a week later, on mondocon (cosplay/anime/game con). My question: Do anyone think I still have a chance with her? I feel she just wants to use these occasions to say she tried and just not works... Can I do anything to make her change her mind? I really want to be with her, I have never even dreamed I could have a relationship, and I wanted to try with a girl and only one girl forever, who can also do that, and at first she seemed to be like that. I am really clueless what to do. Thanks, DG (English is not my native language, sorry if I did mistakes)
aloneinaz Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 This is a tough situation to be in. Most people on this site would say it's probably not a good idea to meet her and ALLOW her all the power to decide if SHE wants to continue the relationship or not. It sounds like she's lost interest in you and the relationship. This is obviously very common. If you're asking me, I wouldn't meet her. Tell her you've thought it thru and think it's simply best to end it now. She's not going to change her mind about ending it and if she does, it will only be a short time till she ends it again. You'd be better off ending it on your terms. There's plenty of other people (maybe even closer to you) that want a relationship with a guy with as much as you have going for you. 1
Aurora_227 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 (edited) I agree with the first commenter. I think in your heart you know she is going to end things anyway...or hold on for just a little longer, but then let you go. Don't let her have all the power. Take control of this for YOU. Right now she's calling all the shots. If the relationship is going to end, let it be your decision. As for your Asperger's, I have several friends who have it as well and are able to have successful lives and relationships (I'm not lumping everyone with Asperger's as the same, but I don't want you to doubt or feel bad about yourself). Don't think that you will be unable to have another relationship, because you will. But you also want it to be with someone who wants to be with you - not someone who you have to convince to stay. Trust me, I've been there, and it doesn't work...it just makes things more difficult and painful. I wish you the best of luck! Edited June 7, 2015 by Aurora_227 1
ravfour4 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Seems kind of crazy that she's giving you some 3 date deal to try to win her back. I agree with others that it sounds like she already made up her mind and that you're better off looking for someone else. If anything, calling off the dates will probably make you look attractive to her since you aren't going to put up with her BS "3 date test" and if it makes her move on, then that's probably what she was going to do anyways. I was also "side-swiped" by my girlfriend when she seemingly out of the blue had a long list of things that bothered her, but she never mentioned them when I asked her what was the matter. Had she simply said "ravfour4, we need to go to do fun things more often and go on some more dates" and perhaps suggested a few ideas, of course I would have jumped on it. Women internalize this stuff then unload it on you all at once, once they've already decided to move on, once it's too late.
EgoJoe Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 If you see yourself with her forever, go on date one and propose. If you don't don't go on date one. It sounds like she's hearing her biological clock ticking but that she hasn't ruled you out. Your responses to her were very good and that is how you got a "second chance". It will be a power play that saves this, in my opinion.
Author dg82 Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 Thanks for your comments. Most of my friends suggest that I should handle this as dead and maybe I got a surprise. One of the main reasons I want to go that I do not want these 2 years end on Skype. If it ends I want her to look me in the eye and say it then, not hiding behind 270 kilometers and Skype. Also I would like to understand why. Maybe it's really me, it is not hard for someone with Asperger's to overlook hints, if that is the case, I am open to change. She is overall a nice person, that is why it was unexpected and I really want to figure out what went wrong, either to help save this, or to help me on a future one if I will have any.
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