Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 Christian Grey is a fictional character created to sell books to women. You should not be citing those books in conversations about the realities of dating. No perhaps I shouldn't be. But what i am trying to say is there are types of men that want woman who are seemingly innocent as a way to control, because they've experienced less, certain men feel they have more of a chance to control her. One of my boyfriends acted fine until I disagreed with him or challenged him, then he did not talk to me for ten days. Whenever he feels challenged even if I do not mean it in a harsh way, he'll punish me with silence until I apologized. Friends of mine are telling me to be patient with him and to not give up on him. Woman pressuring woman to settle, now that's a real problem too! It seems on this thread, there are different opinions. Settling is not a bad thing, just so long as the person that you're settling for is not controlling. It seems throughout my dating experience, I have settled for controlling people with the added pressure of friends telling me I should ( If I want children and marriage).
frogs88 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 It's not only controlling - if the relationship doesn't make you happy then that's also beyond settling. There are those people that need everything to be perfect and won't go with anyone that doesn't live up to their fantasy. They'll deem everyone that doesn't do this as settling. The opposite of the spectrum is where people go into or stick to terrible relationships. They'll excuse it as too much time invested or somebody is better than nobody. What's best is to be somewhere in middle where you aren't chasing some fantasy but still get more joy out of the relationship than it costs to maintain. But that's just my take.
d0nnivain Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I'm just scared that I will end up alone or end up with someone who is controlling. I have had three controlling boyfriends so far and they were controlling for different reasons... but I still have friends who tell me to settle for these sorts of men or end up being alone and childless. It seems throughout my dating experience, I have settled for controlling people with the added pressure of friends telling me I should ( If I want children and marriage). First stop listening to your friends. Never settle for a controlling man. Ever. Now take a long hard look back at your past 3 relationships with these controlling guys. You are the common denominator. What about them attracted you to them? You have to find the pattern in order to break it. You probably like the idea of being taken care of. On some levels it's comforting to know that somebody else is there but if you can't take care of yourself you will end up being taken advantage of. You don't have to settle. What you have to do is learn to pick better men.
Redhead14 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I was reading this article about this woman who insists that if you're not married by a certain age and dream of marriage and extension a child, then settling for mr. good enough is the way to go. Marriage in her view is not about a cosmic connection or having a passionate love fest but rathing having a partnership, like running a small not for profit business. I could have settled for loads of men who liked me but some of them were controlling people and it might have ended horribly. what do most people out there think? And does anyone agree with " settling for Mr or Mrs good enough?". The fact is that no one is perfect. If you go through your dating life and think you've found someone who is perfect, they won't have found the same thing. You have to have your "deal breakers", but not everything can and should be a deal breaker. It's not about settling. In the end, it's about finding someone you can "live with" and accept for their faults and strengths. As long as there are more strengths than faults/weaknesses, you can work out the rest. 1
J21 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 It all comes down to how badly you want to get married and "settle down". This next part will sound really harsh......... but the reality is not everyone will find true love. Yes, life is not a fairy tale. Honestly, there are 7 billion plus people on earth--you think every single one of them find the true love of their life? The answer is no. It's a subjective question and it all comes down to what you prefer.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 First stop listening to your friends. Never settle for a controlling man. Ever. Now take a long hard look back at your past 3 relationships with these controlling guys. You are the common denominator. What about them attracted you to them? You have to find the pattern in order to break it. You probably like the idea of being taken care of. On some levels it's comforting to know that somebody else is there but if you can't take care of yourself you will end up being taken advantage of. You don't have to se ttle. What you have to do is learn to pick better men. I take care of my life well. I'm fairly independent actually and I am almost done with my masters. it just appears that when I agree to go on dates with these guys they'll try to stifle my free~spiritedness ,and try to tell me what to do and where to go, silent treatment etc... It's weird.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 Depending on the nature of your free-spiritedness, many guys might not find you relationship material. Some stupid guys might try to make things work with you anyway, and just have your lifestyle make both of you miserable. For example, I used to hang out with a girl that would get drunk at the bar and dance on tables, show her tits to anyone who asked, make out with random girls, and go home with almost whomever. Many people would describe her as a free spirit. I'm certainly not like that. I don't often drink, I don't show my breasts to random people and I certainly don't hook up with random people either. I guess I have passionate opinions about things and live an independent lifestyle in terms of doing my studies and sharing my point of view and having a wide circle of friends generally ( I mean that might not equate to free-spiritness... but anyway). I like to look at things positively. But interms with what I attract, they're usually men who are still bashing their ex wives or girlfriends even though it's been years since they were last with them and men who show up unexpectedly without notice and tell me how I feel and in the latest person gives me the silent treatment when he feels grumpy or challenged. I find that quite controlling. But anyway, I just often have friends that have told me that I should at least just choose ONE and go with that. It's strange, anyway, I think the general consensus seems to be that on this particular thread, depending what your deal-breakers are or what you consider to be red-flags most people end up settling anyway and just learn to live with someone rather than hold out for someone who was or is their ideal. But generally going out with someone who is controlling is not good. I just have an uncanny ability to attract them for some reason.
d0nnivain Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I take care of my life well. I'm fairly independent actually and I am almost done with my masters. it just appears that when I agree to go on dates with these guys they'll try to stifle my free~spiritedness ,and try to tell me what to do and where to go, silent treatment etc... It's weird. Anybody who gives me the silent treatment for more than a few hours to collect his thoughts is not somebody I want in my life. Growth comes through communication. Anybody who can't express himself won't last long in my world. As for the telling you where to go & what to do, what is your response? The 1st time I'd be polite & say thanks for the suggestion. Use that word to show that you are considering their advice but it remains your choice. The 2nd time, if there was a 2nd time, I'd be more blunt. . . You know I'm an adult who is about to get My Masters. I do have the ability to think for myself & make up my own mind. But again, you aren't taking that 1st step. What do all these guys have in common? You have to figure that out so you can avoid it in the future.
BluEyeL Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 In response to the OP, YES it's OK to "settle" for a man that has outstanding character and loves you although maybe he's not as exciting, hot or cool because those are qualities of a good husband. NO, it's a disastrous idea to "settle" for someone controlling, abusive, with substance abuse issues, cheater, liar etc etc etc. That will lead to you being very unhappy, ending up a single mom, or worse, abused, hurt, or even, in extreme cases, dead! That's not "good enough". Good enough means not perfect, not rich, not a movie star, but a good, kind, decent man, who will make a good father and husband.
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