Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 I was reading this article about this woman who insists that if you're not married by a certain age and dream of marriage and extension a child, then settling for mr. good enough is the way to go. Marriage in her view is not about a cosmic connection or having a passionate love fest but rathing having a partnership, like running a small not for profit business. I could have settled for loads of men who liked me but some of them were controlling people and it might have ended horribly. what do most people out there think? And does anyone agree with " settling for Mr or Mrs good enough?".
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 I was reading this article about this woman who insists that if you're not married by a certain age and dream of marriage and extension a child, then settling for mr. good enough is the way to go. Marriage in her view is not about a cosmic connection or having a passionate love fest but rathing having a partnership, like running a small not for profit business. I could have settled for loads of men who liked me but some of them were controlling people and it might have ended horribly. what do most people out there think? And does anyone agree with " settling for Mr or Mrs good enough?". Some people will have multiple partners amongst the most beautiful and desirable people in the world, and others will die without having so much as having kissed another person. The answer is "Answer the question yourself." 3
Gary S Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Marriage is tough enough as it is... when you shoehorn two people into a tin-can home or apartment for years, there can be trouble. Relationships take work. In a marriage, love is payment for that work. If you did not get payed for your job, what would you do? You need two people who love each other for the best chance of success. Would a person in love with their spouse ever want a divorce? The divorce rate is high enough as it is, let's not add to it with marriages of convenience. 8
Survivor12 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 You would tell the other person the truth to enable them to decide if it's okay with them, right? 4
Krieger Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Everyone settles in the end there is always a better person than you . It a matter if the person your dating going to jump ship for that person.
dyna85 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 in response to the thread question.. HELL NO.. like seriously. Just hell. no. 2
Jonp219 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Settling isn't a good idea. But, I feel like I'm going to end up settling anyway.
Popsicle Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 It's ok to settle when you don't realize that you're settling. Its also ok to settle if both parties are aware of and ok with the settling (which they usually are not aware of it). 3
Weezy1973 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 I was reading this article about this woman who insists that if you're not married by a certain age and dream of marriage and extension a child, then settling for mr. good enough is the way to go. Marriage in her view is not about a cosmic connection or having a passionate love fest but rathing having a partnership, like running a small not for profit business. I could have settled for loads of men who liked me but some of them were controlling people and it might have ended horribly. what do most people out there think? And does anyone agree with " settling for Mr or Mrs good enough?". The answer is a confident - it depends. If, you are all about having a family and that lifestyle, then certainly choosing a partner that will give you those things, in spite of other downfalls, is the right choice. If this is the case, choosing the best relationship partner, for those relationship type traits (ex. loyalty, empathy, compassion etc.) is perfectly reasonable. However, if that is not you - you really have no desire for family and all the sacrifices that that entails, then certainly hold out for that passion is the right choice! And realize that it most likely will lead nowhere, but at least you got to live it at the time! 1
Methodical Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Never settle. Barring some cultural tradition in which you can't/won't go against the grain, settling is one of the biggest mistakes you'll ever make. Eventually, somewhere down the line when you are no longer searching (bc you have settled) you'll inevitably run into a person who stirs emotions you never knew existed, yet you're not in a position to explore those unique possibilities. Settling is a huge mistake. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 In the general way the article describes, settling is not good. However, reevaluating your criteria may be in order. In my mid-30s when I was still single even though I would have prefered a man my own age who had never previously been married & did not have kids, the older I got the less realistic that became. So I don't think I was settling by opening myself up to dating divorced men, fathers & younger guys. To marry somebody you don't love or are not attracted to, that kind of settling is not beneficial. On the other side of the scale a female friend of mine refuses to settle. She wants a tall, athletic millionaire, who looks better in jeans then a tux or suit, who has never been married, has no kids, has & can travel extensively, likes to scuba dive & ride motorcycles, who worships her & who will blend seamlessly into her family. Nearing 50 she is still single. She needs to revaluate her criteria before she spends her entire life alone 2
misspond Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 In the general way the article describes, settling is not good. However, reevaluating your criteria may be in order. In my mid-30s when I was still single even though I would have prefered a man my own age who had never previously been married & did not have kids, the older I got the less realistic that became. So I don't think I was settling by opening myself up to dating divorced men, fathers & younger guys. To marry somebody you don't love or are not attracted to, that kind of settling is not beneficial. On the other side of the scale a female friend of mine refuses to settle. She wants a tall, athletic millionaire, who looks better in jeans then a tux or suit, who has never been married, has no kids, has & can travel extensively, likes to scuba dive & ride motorcycles, who worships her & who will blend seamlessly into her family. Nearing 50 she is still single. She needs to revaluate her criteria before she spends her entire life alone Yes, that kind of criteria is never going to be easy to meet. "Settling" in terms of, "not quite what I had envisaged but wow, I really like you!" seems to be a good way to go. 2
Gaeta Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 You can lower your standard as long as you fall in love with the person. Maybe you had envisioned yourself with a doctor but settled for a nurse. If you are in love with your nurse it's not settling. To me settling is to start a life with someone you are not in love with. I would never be able to do that. It would mean to be married and my heart is still looking to fall in love. This cannot have a happy ending.
casey.lives Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 yes. we should all settle down. Not one person is more or less than another
bson1257 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 I don't think there is anything wrong with settling. There are a lot of mutants that are married and have kids so sometimes you just gotta do it.
PogoStick Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Unless you've met a perfect person, not settling doesn't exist. 1
mortensorchid Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 I have thought about this concept of settling for a while. I did once, and then I got thrown over for the one I settled for. I have been dumped by every man I have ever been with (with one or two exceptions). Then barely 6 months to a year later, they get another gf / marry the first piece of trash that comes their way. I have not settled, because I have not been allowed to settle. It's the other parties who have settled, you and I have been hung out to dry. The fact of the matter is that you want a man who deserves you. Whoever that is may take a lot of different forms, but you are going to find A LOT who for whatever reason doesn't.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 6, 2015 Author Posted June 6, 2015 Lori Gottlieb is the woman who wrote the article and I believe she has written a book about it. Here's what I think in relation to my own personal experience; I was single for 11 years. Not one year but 11. It was really hard for me and then I started dating a guy who was interested in me. I wasn't really interested in him but he asked me out and I thought " why not?" I thought give it time and I'll feel something for him. I never did, and the more i wanted to have my feelings change for the man, knowing that my views about life and his were incompatible, the more he started showing up unannounced, started controlling me, started telling me I wasn't allowed to go home after we were out on a date, telling me to quit studies...etc.... after I decided to break up with him, it was a relief but he still kept asking me out until I said " No. And no more'. I think part of the appeal of someone less experienced is the more control a man may feel they have entitled to over that woman and her life. I had lots of friends telling me to be patient as he will change and my feelings could change for him, and after all, If I wanted to be married and have children, he could offer that. I said no and I was glad with my decision. The next guy I have been getting to know since January, has been showing me signs of using silent treatment if I "offend" him, making me out that I'm the "bad guy" and he also does not have a full time job. Again even though he displays this kind of behavior, I still have friends that tell me, be patient, no man is perfect, and if you want children and a husband wait out, I'm sure if you spent more time with him you'll fall madly in love etc... It seems i have a lot of pressure to settle from friends, from society, from church from my own age... Then there is article and books that confirm this. I know that if I want to have children it's best to get it sorted now, but I just don't want to settle for a man who displays this kind of behavior. I know one is perfect, but at LEAST I want a man to respect me.
neowulf Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 You would tell the other person the truth to enable them to decide if it's okay with them, right? This^ When people talk of settling, it is often in the most selfish way possible. It's completely focused on what *they* stand to gain from the situation, not about what they offer or bring to the table. You want to settle? Enter into a business arrangement with your future spouse? Be completely up front and honest about it. The only way settling ever works is if *both* parties are aware that's what's happening. I can't think of anything more depressing than thinking my future wife "settled" for me. I'm a good man. I'm worthy of love. I won't be "settled" for, thanks.
Methodical Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I can't think of anything more depressing than thinking my future wife "settled" for me. I'm a good man. I'm worthy of love. I won't be "settled" for, thanks. This is my line of thinking, as well. To me, settling is a selfish compromise. Doing so is saying, "Well, I'm willing to agree to marry/enter into a long term relationship with so and so, although I'm really not attracted to him/her and there's no chemistry to speak of, BUT, s/he has a good career, would make a good family wo/man, comes from a respectable family, and having somebody is better than being alone. I know some people settle bc they would rather be with someone, anyone, than be alone. Thing is, for me at least, I'd rather be alone than live a life with someone I'm not in love with because that is not fair to either person. I'd feel like sh*t if my partner told me they settled for me because they couldn't find anyone else, for example. And if I ever caught wind that I'd been settled for, I'd leave. 1
Leigh 87 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 Most couples aren't madly and passionately in love. At best there is mediocre chemistry and they fell quietly in love. Great sex but still no butterflies or overwhelming emotions.. Most people settle. I personally will never settle for a man I'm not madly in love with and who feels the same degree of passion for me. Luckily I don't care if I have kids. And I'm also into cosmetic enhancements to counter wrinkles and aging so I am fairly confident I'll eventually find that burning passion and true love with a compatible partner one day. However, if you truly want to hold out for that passionate type of love where you can't keep your hands off each other and there is an intense emotional connection PLUS true compatibility: it'll likely take a decade or two in order to find that intense chemistry with a suitable long term match........ The majority of married people have settled for mediocre chemistry and passion and never had butterflies or that special sense of excitement surrounding each other.. .
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 I'm not sure when the word settle became such a bad word, but it's silly. Like some others have said, pretty much everyone with a partner settles. Ask any single person to describe their perfect partner. I can guarantee that when they eventually do find a partner, that person will not be the person they described. In the end, that's ok. Someone doesn't need to be perfect for us to be in a relationship with them. We aren't perfect either. I know I'm not. My GF is hardly what I would have described as the perfect partner, but she's still great. Maybe she doesn't look like Megan Fox in a bikini, she doesn't clean in the nude, or make a billion dollars a year. Doesn't matter. She is a good person, she's good to me, I enjoy being with her, and I trust her. I didn't end up dating that fantasy girl in my head, but I found someone great. A lot of people are unwilling to give up that fantasy person, and instead of settling, will just end up alone. I'm just scared that I will end up alone or end up with someone who is controlling. I have had three controlling boyfriends so far and they were controlling for different reasons... but I still have friends who tell me to settle for these sorts of men or end up being alone and childless.
Leigh 87 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 I'm not sure when the word settle became such a bad word, but it's silly. Like some others have said, pretty much everyone with a partner settles. Ask any single person to describe their perfect partner. I can guarantee that when they eventually do find a partner, that person will not be the person they described. In the end, that's ok. Someone doesn't need to be perfect for us to be in a relationship with them. We aren't perfect either. I know I'm not. My GF is hardly what I would have described as the perfect partner, but she's still great. Maybe she doesn't look like Megan Fox in a bikini, she doesn't clean in the nude, or make a billion dollars a year. Doesn't matter. She is a good person, she's good to me, I enjoy being with her, and I trust her. I didn't end up dating that fantasy girl in my head, but I found someone great. A lot of people are unwilling to give up that fantasy person, and instead of settling, will just end up alone. You settled by my standards. Not only do you acknowledge that she's not the best you have gotten or could hope to have gotten... you clearly don't have that intense burning desire for her. If you did, you wouldn't think you " settled ". What you fail to see is, the couples who are madly and passionately in love didn't all land the hottest or richest . .. .... The men I've fallen hard for weren't physically attractive. We just had intense chemistry. To ME these men were just divine. Yet I see people push on with dates with a person who they feel lukewarm about emotionally but is " such a good person ". They convince themselves that this person is good for them and whole there are no butterflies or overwhelming feelings of passion or longing for this person , it seems like a better bet than going after someone who's less admirable, stable and good for them. My men I've fallen for haven't been attractive physically nor have they been the best people. Although not jerks either. Good to me while with them at least. I went after true romantic passion with a person who I got along and laughed with yet who I want super super compatible with necessarily. I would rather have the strong chemistry, that longing of desire with a dude I can laugh with, than seeking a very compatible partner right off the bat ( compatibility can be built; true chemistry is there or it's not). I have seen men fall madly in love with women who aren't model material, don't have careers and are average all around to the vast majority...... the difference between these men and you is that they don't even register that they have somehow " settled ". I know men who fell on head over heels for their average looking partners that they felt their girlfriends / wives are the most beautiful women in the world in their eyes. The don't register " oh well I couldn't get the super model so I settled for what I could get ":sick: Some long term couples fell madly and passionately in love without viewing each other as " Omg the hottest option on paper " That's why I am a big proponent of holding out for true chemistry and a spark. Average people feel it for one another, a " hot " or " successful person isn't required to generate chemistry. I have found that people who had an intense romantic spark naturally and then got to know one another and became best friends as well as passionate lovers, are the ones who didn't " settle". Those couples I've met didn't tend to consciously notice that they didn't land the hottest. Or richest. Or most successful partner. They just had true chemistry and passion with a partner they also grew to admire and respect. They didn't have heaps in common. They didn't think wow this person is the hottest thing I've ever laid eyes on. Settling for me is dating one of the guys I don't look forward to hearing from or have any spark of excitement surrounding. Simply because they are wonderful men and generous enough in the bedroom for the sex to be good. But never passionate from my end.
Leigh 87 Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 The hottest men I've had I have felt the least passion for. The men I've felt the most passionate about were the least attractive. Settling for me is going after a " hotter " guy who I lack the spark with. I want one of the imperfect men I feel passionate about sexually snd emotionally. Who malee laugh and I end up being best fiends with. I don't need the hottest man who has the most career success and has the most in common with me. Finding true love and not settling for me is simply finding the right chemistry with a man who makes me laugh and who becomes my best friend. I don't care if they are ugly to my friends and others or if they don't have a good job..... 1
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 I really don't know!! I think because I haven't had a lot of experience with men?? someone who has been around the block would have a clearer understanding with what they want. Christian Grey was attracted to Anastasia Steel I think because she was a virginal girl that was easily seduced. Although I know it's fictional, i just think it's more common than people may think. Maybe I give men a chance that no one else would have... who knows what the reason is.. It seems to be a pattern though.
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