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Dumped by ex but he wants to be friends? Not sure how I feel.

Aurora_227

By Aurora_227
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Yummm Established Member

Yummm

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Thanks for the responses.

 

Aurora, by the way you're posting you are doing really great. Proud of you, I also have my moments, today is a hard one, share some light :)

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Aurora_227 Member

Aurora_227

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Thanks for the responses.

 

Aurora, by the way you're posting you are doing really great. Proud of you, I also have my moments, today is a hard one, share some light :)

 

Aww, thank you so much! I'll be honest, the breakup still dominates most of my mind. However, I do feel the pain itself lessening, which is a good thing. Accept that you will have hard moments for a while, and that's okay. Just keep moving forward.

 

My mom gave me a piece of advice you could possibly use...if you start to get upset or there is a trigger, literally tell yourself "Don't go there." That doesn't mean to suppress any emotions, but if you are out in public, you don't want to have breakdowns. Give yourself some down time every now and then to be sad, if you need it. But don't let it rule your life. Harder than it looks, I know. I'm still there too. :)

aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

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We made many memories and traveled together, so I'm working on dealing with those as well, particularly since many of these memories occurred in my home town. This is perhaps the hardest part of the breakup. I'm guessing that those will fade in time, though.

 

 

I dislike when people post that they "wasted" x amount of years in a failed relationship. I simply can't view it that way. While we where in the relationship, we enjoyed those times and places we experienced together. Why should they be suddenly erased in our memories because the R/S ended?

 

 

I can even look back already on my last relationship that ended 2 years ago and smile at some of the things and places we experienced together. I enjoyed it and her company (most of the time lol). They are life experiences that we enjoy, learn from and grow from.

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Aurora_227 Member

Aurora_227

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I dislike when people post that they "wasted" x amount of years in a failed relationship. I simply can't view it that way. While we where in the relationship, we enjoyed those times and places we experienced together. Why should they be suddenly erased in our memories because the R/S ended?

 

 

I can even look back already on my last relationship that ended 2 years ago and smile at some of the things and places we experienced together. I enjoyed it and her company (most of the time lol). They are life experiences that we enjoy, learn from and grow from.

 

Oh, I never said the time was wasted haha. I meant that there is still some pain when I go to or think about those places/memories. That's what I mean. I'm sure at some point I'll look back and smile at the memories, but right now they are just painful. I can definitely say that this relationship was NOT a waste of time. It bettered me as a person.

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Yummm Established Member

Yummm

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I dislike when people post that they "wasted" x amount of years in a failed relationship. I simply can't view it that way. While we where in the relationship, we enjoyed those times and places we experienced together. Why should they be suddenly erased in our memories because the R/S ended?

 

 

I can even look back already on my last relationship that ended 2 years ago and smile at some of the things and places we experienced together. I enjoyed it and her company (most of the time lol). They are life experiences that we enjoy, learn from and grow from.

 

I wouldn't call the relationship wasted time at all, but what I think Aurora is trying to say is that dealing with all those happy memories is hard. I feel the same way, i'm a pretty sentimental guy and it's probably quite pathetic, but those happy memories turn sad when I start saying "last time I was there we were together, we went there together" etc etc. Quite a hard feeling to deal with.

 

For example, just had a nice workout, feeling pretty positive - going to the cinema tonight with a few mates, but I now start to think "the last time I went to the cinema was with her....".

 

Thanks for the advice Aurora - I do actively try tell myself to STOP, but it doesn't really work. What does occasionally work for me is flipping it, and focus the thoughts onto myself and say how happy I was feeling before her.

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Pastmen Member

Pastmen

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What works for me when i'm having such feelings, is to think about how the relationship ended. I think about the reasons why the relationship probably did end like that she lost the spark, she wasn't ready because I was her first boyfriend etc. And then I put that into perspective and think for myself there was nothing I could do to save this relationship. That year with her I will never forget and I've changed so much that I can be so happy that this happened to me. Still it sucks that it's over now but when you keep thinking about that, you are focusing on the wrong thoughts.

 

Try to think positive about the relationship and when you look back with positive thoughts those memories will be positive in your mind as well. Whether you go to the cinema where you had your first date with her or whether you see her walking in public think back about the relationship in a positive perspective and you will feel a lot better instantly.

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Aurora_227 Member

Aurora_227

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What works for me when i'm having such feelings, is to think about how the relationship ended. I think about the reasons why the relationship probably did end like that she lost the spark, she wasn't ready because I was her first boyfriend etc. And then I put that into perspective and think for myself there was nothing I could do to save this relationship. That year with her I will never forget and I've changed so much that I can be so happy that this happened to me. Still it sucks that it's over now but when you keep thinking about that, you are focusing on the wrong thoughts.

 

Try to think positive about the relationship and when you look back with positive thoughts those memories will be positive in your mind as well. Whether you go to the cinema where you had your first date with her or whether you see her walking in public think back about the relationship in a positive perspective and you will feel a lot better instantly.

 

I think this is great advice for Yummm and I and I hope I can reach that same thought process sooner rather than later. How long did it take for you to reach a point where the memories were positive and didn't hurt as much?

Pastmen Member

Pastmen

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I think this is great advice for Yummm and I and I hope I can reach that same thought process sooner rather than later. How long did it take for you to reach a point where the memories were positive and didn't hurt as much?

 

Well, i'm now 1 month past break up. But the process comes in phases. I came to this new mindset by talking a lot to people around me with experience. The first thing I did was delete a lot of our memories. Presents I got from her, photo's on my phone, my laptop etc. After I did that it was hard for me for a few days but when I talked to some friends about it again they told me the same story again. Don't focus on the negative, focus on the positive thoughts. I hope that you can do the same now because i'm telling you this. The time that it takes to reach points of moving on depends fully on yourself. You are in control of your thoughts and emotions and you are the only person that can turn those negative feelings around.

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Aurora_227 Member

Aurora_227

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Well, i'm now 1 month past break up. But the process comes in phases. I came to this new mindset by talking a lot to people around me with experience. The first thing I did was delete a lot of our memories. Presents I got from her, photo's on my phone, my laptop etc. After I did that it was hard for me for a few days but when I talked to some friends about it again they told me the same story again. Don't focus on the negative, focus on the positive thoughts. I hope that you can do the same now because i'm telling you this. The time that it takes to reach points of moving on depends fully on yourself. You are in control of your thoughts and emotions and you are the only person that can turn those negative feelings around.

 

That's true...I think I'm hurting myself because I'm trying to hurry the process along because I want to break NC and be his friend, which I know he wants as much as I do. But I think I need a little more time...at least until I can think back on our memories and not burst into tears haha. I did do the "cleaning" out of gifts, photos, etc. and to some extent that did help. I hope that whoever I'm meant to end up with will make me a better person as much as my ex did. Thank you for your advice. :)

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