Dumped by ex but he wants to be friends? Not sure how I feel.

June 6, 2015

Hello, everyone! I was wondering if you had some insight. This is a little long (I'm sure you guys are used to hearing that) but I felt like I had to provide some background. Thanks so much.

A guy that I dated for a little over a year broke up with me about a month-and-a-half ago. I was his first girlfriend but I had dated (and been in love) before. We are both 22. We were the best of friends during our relationship, but we did express doubts throughout the relationship that perhaps we didn't connect on the level we should want. However, about a month before we broke up, we talked about it again, and my doubts disappeared. I fell for him and it was wonderful.

However, once I realized i was truly in love with him, I saw that he had already given up, despite him telling me he felt better about us after the last conversation. We spent about half of the relationship in long-distance (6 hours away, but got to see each other usually twice a month for the weekend and on holidays), but he was moving down to my city for a job. In fact, he's here now, but we'll get to that.

Over a month ago, he made the drive and broke up with me. He was sobbing, and it was awful...I was the one that had to make him feel better. He was sure that he couldn't see a future with me and just felt like the spark was missing. He said that if he could change his mind, he would. Periodically over the following month we talked some...some expressing my feelings, some with him just updating me about his life, etc. However, I knew it was preventing me from healing, so I asked for space. A week after, he messaged me, telling me he was in my city and going to move into my old apartment complex. I was upset and told him that I felt like he wasn't respecting my wishes of space. He said he understood and that if I was ever ready to talk again, to contact him.

So my dilemma is this...I can feel myself moving on, but some part of me still hopes for reconciliation, or at the very least, for him to someday realize he made a mistake. HOWEVER. I only want someone who wants me, and if that is not him, oh well. He reached out to me several times in the month after our breakup and I can't help but wonder why...if it's guilt, if he's missing me because I was his best friend (this is the truth), or what. But i don't know how to handle being friends with him...he even said that any girl he dates in the future has to be okay with us being friends. RIGHT...Do you guys have any thoughts? Again, so sorry this is long!

June 6, 2015

Hi there, welcome!

First of all i'd like to say your thread is hardly long haha.

I'm your age, and also recently going through a breakup of my first love which was for me, completely out of the blue.

Staying friends with him will only prolong both your healing. You are yearning to stay in contact because it gives you that small sense of satisfaction that you are involved in his life, but the pain of not being his romantic partner anymore.

Like I'm sure many on here would say, I think you should go strict No Contact. This will allow your emotions to heal faster and let you think more logically than emotionally.

You said it yourself, you DON'T want and DON'T need somebody who doesn't want you. He chose to let you go! As hard as it is to do, don't focus on reconciliation, focus on healing and IF/WHEN he does realize it's a mistake and comes back, you'll have your power back and be in control of what you really want.

Ultimately the best thing for you to do is leave him alone and focus on yourself.

Good luck and hang in there x

June 6, 2015

After a break up when people say they want to be friends, they don't really mean it. At best it's an expression of I don't hate you & I don't want there to be any scenes if we bump into each other. It's not about talking, sharing & hanging out.

If you want more you also can't be friends with an EX because it will be too painful.

June 6, 2015

Your responsibility is to yourself and YOUR feelings. If not being friends with your ex isn't something that you feel comfortable with, or don't want to do, then don't. I know its easy to say, but he's doing it for HIS benefit, so he doesn't have to deal with the loss of you and can gradually get over you. But if its holding you back, then it needs to stop. Nothing wrong with feeling that way at all.

June 6, 2015

Welcome to the site and the friend dilemma hey :S

Ok from personal experience, friend = Care so when someone splits and says lets be friends basically they are saying they still care about you but for whatever reason don't care enough to be in a relationship ? mmm makes no sense.

Therefore as a dumpee you need to take that mmm no sense and turn that to your advantage.

Friends with benefits you here a lot now = care with sex - never deep down works same as just friends doesn't work , to much emotion involved generally speaking (does work for some)

Still a fresh break-up and you now need to take control by not agreeing friendship and consider your healing (as you said you feel you are moving on)

I went literally two weeks no contact and went away to vegas in the third week - Ex did not stop txting and now wants to meet up again to discuss the matter.

Distance puts everything into perspective for now take some time out , see how it affects both of you , time will give you the answer your looking for.

However remember focus on you always not the ex

June 6, 2015

As a guy I can tell you that when we come to a conclusion that a relationship isn't going to work, we rarely come back. I never have after ending plenty of relationship. We are generally pretty thorough about our thoughts of the relationship before we pull the trigger and end it.

If he is indicating that he wants to be "friends", like Ziggy said, it's only for his benefit and to help HIM transition away from you easier. You're a habit to him and he's only worried about withdrawing the easiest way possible.

If he's suddenly blowing up your phone, it's not to get back together. It's for his selfish needs. He may need something from you (sex, someone to talk to, some sort of support). Right now, you owe him NOTHING. He chose to end your relationship and has no rights to ask any of those things from you.

I'm also a strong believer in going strict NC. When someone says I don't love you nor want you in my life, we need to oblige their request and vanish from their lives.

You're so young. There's millions of guys out there that want what you do. Don't let this person wanting to drag out this failed relationship, hold you back.

June 6, 2015

First off, thank you for welcoming me to the forums! Second, thanks for all of the support - I really didn't expect too many replies, but the fact that you guys are willing to be so helpful means a lot to me.

On the "him wanting to be friends for selfish reasons," yes, I agree. I know he struggled with the breakup too, not just because he told me, but because our mutual friends said so as well. I also know that he does truly want to be friends because he doesn't have many close friends, and we were best friends. The loss is hard for him. However, as my cousin put it to me, "He made the decision to be the past. He needs to stay there. You don't need him." And I know that she and the rest of you are right...I had big dreams for us, and it's a struggle to let go.

I'm trying to move on. I want him to be happy, with or without me, and I honestly mean that. That's also how I know I really love him - I want his happiness. But in the back of my mind, I still want him to somewhat regret his decision. However...I'm excited to see what the future holds, and I hope it's with someone who wants to be with me, whether that's him (not holding my breath on that one) or someone else.

One last thing. Do you guys have any advice for when I see him again? We do have mutual friends and he lives in my city, so the odds are pretty high. How should I handle conversations? Thanks so much!

June 6, 2015

One last thing. Do you guys have any advice for when I see him again? We do have mutual friends and he lives in my city, so the odds are pretty high. How should I handle conversations? Thanks so much!

You be gracious. You smile even if it's the fakest most tight lipped closed mouth smile. You still smile. If you can't speak nod in greeting then move on.

Do not bad mouth him in public to mutual friends.

As for conversation, once you get past hello, nice day, decide you need another drink even if yours is full, that you have an appointment to be somewhere else (you actually do -- anywhere that he's not) or go powder your nose.

Live by the old adage: never let 'em see you sweat.

June 6, 2015

I'm trying to move on. I want him to be happy, with or without me, and I honestly mean that. That's also how I know I really love him - I want his happiness. But in the back of my mind, I still want him to somewhat regret his decision. However...I'm excited to see what the future holds, and I hope it's with someone who wants to be with me, whether that's him (not holding my breath on that one) or someone else.

One last thing. Do you guys have any advice for when I see him again? We do have mutual friends and he lives in my city, so the odds are pretty high. How should I handle conversations? Thanks so much!

You have a very good outlook on this situation. That's a great start. I like what the previous guy said as well. To him wanting to be friends, it simply doesn't work after coming out of a romantic relationship. He's trying to be selfish in still having you around while he's looking for others to hook up. He can't have only 1/2 the relationship back, especially when you're still emotionally involved.

Like the previous person stated, IF you run into him, be cordial but I wouldn't have a conversation with him. More like "hey, nice to see you and then keep walking by.

When my last relationship ended. I didn't go to places she might be. I wasn't ready for that drama. I avoided even the same grocery store I knew she went to. It's just a good thing to do. Out of site, out of mind.

After time passes and you move on to other relationships and the person no longer has any emotional ties, then you could have a brief chat. If I ran into my ex, I'd chat with her, even if she was with a new guy. Our relationship is ancient history.

June 7, 2015

Great advice, thank you! I'll be friendly like you said, but not overly friendly. I'm sure he'll try to talk more to me, but I'll try to keep it short. He truly is a wonderful guy and treated me great during our relationship, but right now it's just too difficult for me to comprehend being friends with him. Our mutual friends are also being fantastic to the both of us and handling the situation really well, so I'm thankful for that.

I'll be honest, the positive outlook is a new development. I still have my sad moments, but I am accepting that things are out of my control. Whatever is meant to be will be, and what isn't, won't.

To anyone reading this who is going through a similar situation or breakup, I promise, it will get better...before you even realize it. There were days I cried so hard I lost my voice or (to my embarrassment) burst a blood vessel in one of my eyes. Pitiful! But if anyone is going through this too, those days will pass, I promise. Just let yourself grieve and at some point your body/mind will say, "Okay, enough." I'm still getting there, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You will, too.

Thanks again to everyone who has offered advice! I feel so much more confident now.

June 7, 2015

With being friends or acting around an ex if you have mutual friends

my experience accept they will be there, continue to put yourself first if you cross paths be friendly and show no emotion about the break up

Showing you have moved on is the most powerful thing and does eventually help you actually move on.

Being friendly and respectful is without the most amicable thing to do as what will anything achieve if you are nasty? - it will just cause more heartache/headache

We are all human , life is not always easy but life is there to challenge us, we either succeed or fail but with every passing day comes another challenge

June 11, 2015

Just wanted to bump this back up in case anyone else had any more insight. As more time goes on, I think part of me does still want to be friends - I am still going to stick with NC for a while until I am ready and I know deep down I'll see him again, whether with mutual friends or if we decide to meet up.

Do you have any tips for if/when we do meet up? I know he will probably ask because he does want to salvage some type of friendship. I don't want to go and meet him with any expectations. If you have met up with an ex before, how did it go/what did you talk about/where did you meet? Any advice?

June 11, 2015

Just wanted to give you some insight.

I'm feeling better, sun is out, having a positive day at work. Just finished my lunch break and guess who drives past me? My ex. No eye contact made but still my heart sank, seeing her and her car for a second.

Please don't be healing with the idea of you meeting up with him or bumping into him, it will only cause more heartache and won't help your healing.

Focus on moving on without him in your thoughts, without the idea of you meeting up for a drink, or seeing him with mutual friends.

Spend this time to focus on getting over him completely and then perhaps once you feel indifferent you can rebuild a NEW relationship - but by then you shouldn't care/want to!

Only telling you what i'm experiencing as everyone is different. When I go days without seeing her car or her at work I feel better, when I see her, I get set back.

June 11, 2015

Maybe I'm the minority but I feel like the way he ended it was very straight forward and mature of him. The fact that he wants to stay friends shows he does care about you just not on the level of that kind of commitment and relationship.

For you though, I wouldn't deny being friends with him forever, but for now it's best to keep away until you heal. When you can find that you are ok enough and accepted the breakup enough, then you can try and be friends with him as you were prior to dating.

June 11, 2015

Just wanted to give you some insight.

I'm feeling better, sun is out, having a positive day at work. Just finished my lunch break and guess who drives past me? My ex. No eye contact made but still my heart sank, seeing her and her car for a second.

Please don't be healing with the idea of you meeting up with him or bumping into him, it will only cause more heartache and won't help your healing.

Focus on moving on without him in your thoughts, without the idea of you meeting up for a drink, or seeing him with mutual friends.

Spend this time to focus on getting over him completely and then perhaps once you feel indifferent you can rebuild a NEW relationship - but by then you shouldn't care/want to!

Only telling you what i'm experiencing as everyone is different. When I go days without seeing her car or her at work I feel better, when I see her, I get set back.

I completely understand what you are saying, and you are right, I am working hard on getting over him completely. In all honesty, the only emotions I think I am feeling now is the rejection. I'm having those thoughts of "why wasn't I good enough", etc., while of course I know that it is not the case. He just felt that we weren't going to last long-term and, from my viewpoint, I also think that he just simply wasn't ready for a serious relationship as it was his first and he wants to save those commitments for later in life. Doesn't make it sting any less, but I think both of those cases are the truth.

At some point I would like to reach out - not to try and get back together, but because we did have a fantastic friendship and that's something I don't want to lose entirely. I do know that right now, I am not ready to pursue that just yet.

June 11, 2015

Maybe I'm the minority but I feel like the way he ended it was very straight forward and mature of him. The fact that he wants to stay friends shows he does care about you just not on the level of that kind of commitment and relationship.

For you though, I wouldn't deny being friends with him forever, but for now it's best to keep away until you heal. When you can find that you are ok enough and accepted the breakup enough, then you can try and be friends with him as you were prior to dating.

No, you're not in the minority! He did handle it maturely by driving 7 hours to come and break up with me (we were long-distance for half the relationship but he was moving to my city for his job). It did suck that I had to comfort him while he was breaking up with me and that he didn't respect my space for a little while after the breakup, but I'll chalk that up to me being his first girlfriend and he not having prior experience. Still stung, though.

I'm accepting the breakup and respect his decision (I've even told him that) but I'm scared that if I get too close to him again I'll get hurt. Are you friends with any of your exes when you were the one that was broken up with?

June 11, 2015

Maybe I'm the minority but I feel like the way he ended it was very straight forward and mature of him. The fact that he wants to stay friends shows he does care about you just not on the level of that kind of commitment and relationship.

For you though, I wouldn't deny being friends with him forever, but for now it's best to keep away until you heal. When you can find that you are ok enough and accepted the breakup enough, then you can try and be friends with him as you were prior to dating.

I absolutely agree with this. If the relationship just didn't work for one or the other and the split was done with kindness and respect, there's no reason to not ever talk to them again. You just have to let a lot of time go by (usually years) before all the emotions are gone. It usually takes me a couple of years and I've moved on to another relationship before I want to have any contact with an ex. I have a couple of exes on FB from a couple of decades ago. It's fun to visit occasionally and see how their lives are.

June 11, 2015

I absolutely agree with this. If the relationship just didn't work for one or the other and the split was done with kindness and respect, there's no reason to not ever talk to them again. You just have to let a lot of time go by (usually years) before all the emotions are gone. It usually takes me a couple of years and I've moved on to another relationship before I want to have any contact with an ex. I have a couple of exes on FB from a couple of decades ago. It's fun to visit occasionally and see how their lives are.

Oh, of course not! I do want to talk to him again. It's certainly not that I hate him or anything. There was genuine love in our relationship, but I guess he just felt it wasn't enough and so I'm dealing with the feelings of rejection.

Could you perhaps offer some insight on dealing with those feelings of rejection? I want to get better on my own, not by entering another relationship or having a fling. I know some people say that meeting someone new helps you get over an ex, but I want to do it on my own - not by meeting someone else.

June 11, 2015

I'm glad you want to focus on yourself.

I too need advice on how to deal with the rejection. For me, my self worth hasn't lessened, I know that I deserve somebody who appreciates me and I know that I can find somebody else in the future. The scare is the fact that I was so set on the fact that she was the one (due to her actions AND words, her families actions AND words etc) that this rejection has completely swayed my self judgement, as if I need to re-think everything again.

June 11, 2015

I really think we get blinders put on when we get dumped or rejected. This makes our brains common sense mal-function to what reality is. We don't view the whole picture. When the break up is fresh, we put the person or relationship on a pedestal. We view them or it as so much better than they or the relationship really was. After time passes and the pain eases, the blinders drop down and we can then truly visualize the reality of the person/RS.

I've know many old folks who HATED, HATED their long term husbands or wife's. One would die leaving the other alone and suddenly the deceased was perfect in their minds and they are devastated. My point here is that our brains change when we're suddenly alone and we view these things with un-focused binoculars.

People who REALLY struggle with rejection have core self esteem issues. I've read this everywhere. Whether it's rejection from a significant other or rejection in making sales calls. I know many, many people who've gotten dumped from a relationship that they thought was fine. They had good self esteem and didn't take it so personal. They rationalized that they weren't working for their partner, understood and accepted the relationship was over, brushed themselves off and vanished from the dumpers life. They then moved on and found someone they could be happy with.

June 11, 2015

People who REALLY struggle with rejection have core self esteem issues. I've read this everywhere. Whether it's rejection from a significant other or rejection in making sales calls. I know many, many people who've gotten dumped from a relationship that they thought was fine. They had good self esteem and didn't take it so personal. They rationalized that they weren't working for their partner, understood and accepted the relationship was over, brushed themselves off and vanished from the dumpers life. They then moved on and found someone they could be happy with.

I would agree with regards to the self esteem issues, but can't get my head around people who have brushed themselves off so quickly after believing that the relationship was absolutely fine??

In my case there were NO MAJOR red flags that warranted me to have any concern about the future of our relationship. I was in a rough patch for a couple weeks, got told that she is not great dealing with people who are sick as she had to deal with it all herself all her life, so I tried to push her back a little bit and take care of myself, to which she refused.

Besides that and perhaps her being infatuated too quickly, I don't see a reason to opt out like that so fast, which brings that shock of rejection.

I have been turned down before in the past, by people who I was really into, I brushed myself off due to the fact that they weren't interested in me and I couldn't force them to change their mind. This was the complete opposite!

June 11, 2015

I really think we get blinders put on when we get dumped or rejected. This makes our brains common sense mal-function to what reality is. We don't view the whole picture. When the break up is fresh, we put the person or relationship on a pedestal. We view them or it as so much better than they or the relationship really was. After time passes and the pain eases, the blinders drop down and we can then truly visualize the reality of the person/RS.

I've know many old folks who HATED, HATED their long term husbands or wife's. One would die leaving the other alone and suddenly the deceased was perfect in their minds and they are devastated. My point here is that our brains change when we're suddenly alone and we view these things with un-focused binoculars.

People who REALLY struggle with rejection have core self esteem issues. I've read this everywhere. Whether it's rejection from a significant other or rejection in making sales calls. I know many, many people who've gotten dumped from a relationship that they thought was fine. They had good self esteem and didn't take it so personal. They rationalized that they weren't working for their partner, understood and accepted the relationship was over, brushed themselves off and vanished from the dumpers life. They then moved on and found someone they could be happy with.

This was very insightful...and I believe you are right.

The truth is that I DO have self-esteem issues. In fact, I am going to counseling and attempting to work on these issues. I had started going when my ex and I were dating and he fully supported it. At the time, however, it was to go for some irritability/frustration issues. My therapist and I believe that the frustration I was experiencing was due to self-esteem issues.

I'm trying very hard to build myself back up. I know he would never in a million years intend to hurt me and that if he felt like ending it was the right thing to do, then I trust that. It just hurts. But I'm trying to get a happier mindset, especially if we are going to work towards some type of friendship.

June 11, 2015

I would agree with regards to the self esteem issues, but can't get my head around people who have brushed themselves off so quickly after believing that the relationship was absolutely fine??!

I didn't say they didn't hurt from it. They just rationalized with themselves that the dumper didn't feel a good fit with them and needed to move on. They simply didn't take it SO PERSONAL. Rejection happens all the time in life. Friends that you were once close with, co-workers, etc. Yes, it hurts more when you're with someone that says they love you. Rationally though, you have to say to yourself that this happens millions a times a day. People simply fall out of love. The relationship ran it's course. People grow apart. It's not an indictment that the dumpee is a POS, loser.

I've ended most of the LTR's I was in. In all cases, the people I dumped were great people and didn't do anything wrong. I just fell out of love with them and didn't see them as someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I don't know too many people if any that haven't been dumped once in their life. My last ex dumped me (though tried to get me back 5.5 months later). I REEEAALLLYYY loved her too, despite how terrible she was to me towards the end. After a month of NC, I started to see things clearly and recognized that not many people are going to be compatible with her. I realized I'd be much happier finding someone else w/out all her baggage. That's what I did. I put finality to it in my mind and felt so much better. I knew I was a great boyfriend to her. Was I perfect, hell no. When she reached out to get me back, she acknowledged all our problems in that R/S where on her. She owned her behavior and begged for another chance and was told no. I dusted myself off after those 30 days of hell and dated a few weeks later and then met my now 21 month GF a few months later.

Besides that and perhaps her being infatuated too quickly, I don't see a reason to opt out like that so fast, which brings that shock of rejection.

Often the "shock" comes in because we were missing the signs of her checking out of the relationship weeks or months before the dumper ends it. I was seeing the signs before my dumper ended us. I just didn't pick up on them or was in denial that she was fading on me. When she ended it, I kind of expected it. I was in going thru a lot of stuff at the time and needed her support so I didn't end it first though I knew I should of.

No one is perfect in a relationship. Lord knows I will never be. Sometimes we have issues we bring into a relationship that we're in denial of. These start to appear after the honeymoon stage ends and they are too much for someone to want to deal with. Like someone getting fired, it can take a while for the fired or dumped person to cool down and think it through rationally. They then come to realize that the can see why the got dumped or fired and make changes to not repeat the same things in their next job or relationship.

June 11, 2015

This was very insightful...and I believe you are right.

The truth is that I DO have self-esteem issues. In fact, I am going to counseling and attempting to work on these issues. I had started going when my ex and I were dating and he fully supported it. At the time, however, it was to go for some irritability/frustration issues. My therapist and I believe that the frustration I was experiencing was due to self-esteem issues.

I'm trying very hard to build myself back up. I know he would never in a million years intend to hurt me and that if he felt like ending it was the right thing to do, then I trust that. It just hurts. But I'm trying to get a happier mindset, especially if we are going to work towards some type of friendship.

Of course rejection hurts, it really does. I do think you really have a good grasp on your particular situation too. It sounds like the R/S you had with this guy simply wasn't working for him. I'm glad he was classy in how he ended it. We can't expect people to stay in a R/S when they aren't happy. It isn't fair to them.

Kudos for understanding this issue you have and being proactive in addressing it. I believe we all have our insecurities and at times, self esteem issues. There are the rare few that don't but they are probably narcissists! lol

You sound like you're doing fine. You got this past guy in your life and you'll find another one when you're ready.

June 11, 2015

Of course rejection hurts, it really does. I do think you really have a good grasp on your particular situation too. It sounds like the R/S you had with this guy simply wasn't working for him. I'm glad he was classy in how he ended it. We can't expect people to stay in a R/S when they aren't happy. It isn't fair to them.

Kudos for understanding this issue you have and being proactive in addressing it. I believe we all have our insecurities and at times, self esteem issues. There are the rare few that don't but they are probably narcissists! lol

You sound like you're doing fine. You got this past guy in your life and you'll find another one when you're ready.

Thank you for the support! I'm doing okay, although I do still have my grieving moments. We made many memories and traveled together, so I'm working on dealing with those as well, particularly since many of these memories occurred in my home town. This is perhaps the hardest part of the breakup. I'm guessing that those will fade in time, though. I'm also trying not to keep the negative thoughts of "I'll never find someone better" hanging around. Hopefully, that will fade, too.

I do think it was just the lack of spark for him. If he wasn't happy, I love him too much for him to stay in a halfway relationship. During the breakup, I even told him that I had noticed his unhappiness/distance and would have ended it eventually because I didn't want him to be unhappy. That being said, I don't want to vanish from his life! I have hopes that we can be friends one day. That thought makes me happy, because I do know what we had was real, even if it wasn't meant to last forever.

Edited June 11, 2015 by Aurora_227

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Dumped by ex but he wants to be friends? Not sure how I feel.

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