How do people find a connection on all levels?

June 6, 2015

It's not quite as simple unfortunately. It has nothing to do education -at least for me. It's about not having to explain myself regardless what I say and vice versa. VERY rare to find that with the other 2 components. I have it with my boss which is why he asked me to work for him again but not the other 2 components of course.

That's a really good way of putting it for an intellectual connection. I've also recently seen the saying "If you have to watch what you're saying, you're hanging around the wrong people." That's especially true of relationships - if you have to be careful, or tiptoe around certain issues, it's probably time to move on.

June 6, 2015

Intellectual connection doesn't centre around hobbies I don't think. I don't understand how liking or not liking motorbikes has anything to do with it. It's just a subject. To me it's about discussing values, thoughts, beliefs, opinions, fears, motivation, etc and the other person getting it even if their perspective is different.

June 6, 2015

Intellectual connection doesn't centre around hobbies I don't think. I don't understand how liking or not liking motorbikes has anything to do with it. It's just a subject. To me it's about discussing values, thoughts, beliefs, opinions, fears, motivation, etc and the other person getting it even if their perspective is different.

Right, but that's a given. If you don't share those values you shouldn't be dating at all. I just mean that over the long haul, passions become pretty important. If you define intellect as just intelligence, then yeah sure, nobody wants to date a dummy. But I think I meant in terms of specific fields of knowledge and interest. Shooting pool is a hobby. Reading classic literature is an intellectual pursuit.

Liking motorbikes is not the same as having a wealth of knowledge and a shared passion for antique motorcycles

June 6, 2015

Right, but that's a given. If you don't share those values you shouldn't be dating at all. I just mean that over the long haul, passions become pretty important. If you define intellect as just intelligence, then yeah sure, nobody wants to date a dummy. But I think I meant in terms of specific fields of knowledge and interest. Shooting pool is a hobby. Reading classic literature is an intellectual pursuit.

Liking motorbikes is not the same as having a wealth of knowledge and a shared passion for antique motorcycles

I'm sorry I don't know how to explain this to you. It's a certain way of relating to someone where passion about some material objects don't feature at all. It's not just about intelligence, it's almost like sharing another person's psyche. Their darkness and not being scared of it. I don't know how to get you to understand it if you think flicking through manuals with your SO is important.

June 6, 2015

What I was kind of getting at is this...

You can determine on the first date if a person is intelligent.

You can determine after having sex once if you are physically compatible.

You can determine after a few weeks if you are on the same page with your emotional investment to each other. Sometimes this can change over time. The pursuer and the pursued can eventually reach a balance point where the feelings are equal and balanced. But if they just aren't into you, or vice versa, that probably won't change.

But there's sometime else that you need in order to find a lasting partner and I think that has something to do with shared interests. If a woman hated motorcycles I doubt we would have much future together. She doesn't need to love motorcycles or get along with my motorcycle buddies. But if she can't appreciate my interests it's a bad sign

June 6, 2015

I'm sorry I don't know how to explain this to you. It's a certain way of relating to someone where passion about some material objects don't feature at all. It's not just about intelligence, it's almost like sharing another person's psyche. Their darkness and not being scared of it. I don't know how to get you to understand it if you think flicking through manuals with your SO is important.

It's not about flipping through manuals, magazines or anything like that. Maybe motorcycles are a bad example. The literature example might be better. I love existentialism and philosophers such as Nietzsche. It really appeals to me. I also love classic american literature. My last GF was only interested in reading Deepak Chopra, Thich Nhat Hahn etc. In the end regardless of our IQs we had a fundamental difference in the way we looked at the world.

We shared the same values and ideals, but looked at the world through very different lenses. We were politically, spiritually, ideologically in the same boat. But voting for Bernie Sanders or not going to church on sunday is not enough to make it last. When we would try to talk about things and it often ended in disagreement.

Philosophical compatibility and having a certain degree of shared interest is IMO pretty important. If a woman reads cosmopolitan magazine or people magazine... I'm out

Edited June 6, 2015 by deadelvis

June 6, 2015

In response to the OP, you don't look for a connection on all levels. It just sort of happens.

^ This

I was into her physically the first time I met her.

I realised we had an intellectual connection after spending some time together as mates.

We developed an emotional connection in the months and years that followed. That's the one that just keeps getting stronger.

You can't look at a virtual stranger snd Rock of connections like 1, 2, 3!

June 6, 2015

Intellectual connection doesn't centre around hobbies I don't think. I don't understand how liking or not liking motorbikes has anything to do with it. It's just a subject. To me it's about discussing values, thoughts, beliefs, opinions, fears, motivation, etc and the other person getting it even if their perspective is different.

I this this is a good description, but I don't find it that rare to find. I do find it rare to find all 3, but this one happens easily for me.

I do think that some people naturally "connect" easier than others, or seek it more openly. That's probably true for all 3 criteria.

June 6, 2015

I this this is a good description, but I don't find it that rare to find. I do find it rare to find all 3, but this one happens easily for me.

I do think that some people naturally "connect" easier than others, or seek it more openly. That's probably true for all 3 criteria.

My close friends have this with but all 3 is hard for me to find. The individual ones are easy.

June 6, 2015

The more sophisticated, quirky, off-beat you are, the harder it becomes to find intellectual compatibility.

In response to the OP, you don't look for a connection on all levels. It just sort of happens. The only thing you can do is make yourself emotionally available to seize the connection when it presents itself. I would say I meet someone I connect with on all levels every 3-5 years. That said, I don't solely restrict myself to those select few.

This is an interesting comment crosswordfiend. I feel I meet someone with a connection on all levels about 1 in every 3-5 years and then they are married or otherwise attached! Slims down the chances somewhat.

June 7, 2015

From what I observed from LTRs around me, very few have all 3.

Most people just pick someone that is not terribly unattractive, that they can sort of talk to and that seems to stick around.

I can't seem to figure out why this type of relationship is not enough for *me*.

June 7, 2015

My wife and I met through OLD. I had met a lot of women before finding her, though, so patience and keeping up your standards is key to finding someone very well matched.

As some have said, the intellectual connection is often easiest to discern. There can still be many issues with that which will become apparent over time, however. While someone may be similarly intelligent and educated, their expression of this can be very different, ranging from humble to arrogant, curious to pedantic, etc. And the areas in which someone focuses their intellect may be very different, and so may be more or less compatible.

Physical connection is multi-faceted as well. There may be a strong initial attraction and "chemistry" which will either grow or fade as you get to know each other, in and out of the bedroom. Physical connection usually means sexual attraction, and part of that is compatibility based on range of sex acts, skill in generating pleasure (and/or ability to learn each other), and - often overlooked early on - the frequency at which you both ideally want sex (and which can change after a year or so as the initial bonding hormones wear off).

Emotional connection grows with time if the rest is going well. In the first year or so, it is dominated by the "falling in love" hormones, but as that phase passes, the real level of connection will become apparent. It will be based in mutual liking, respect, and acceptance, fueled by (partly intellectual) things like shared values and compatible goals. When it's good, it's love, and beyond the hormonal infatuation that likely fueled things earlier.

So, it is possible to find all three levels in one person. You must be willing to let go of someone who clearly lacks any one of them, and keep looking. And once you find someone who seems to have them all, it still takes time to confirm that they all exist and persist, and that other personality traits don't become deal-breakers. Give it two to three years, IMO.

June 7, 2015

From what I observed from LTRs around me, very few have all 3.

Most people just pick someone that is not terribly unattractive, that they can sort of talk to and that seems to stick around.

I can't seem to figure out why this type of relationship is not enough for *me*.

I think often people assume things about other people's relationships. And sometimes they see what they want to see. Heard this idea before from single friends who had major issues in forming and sustaining relationships of their own and I am pretty sure is a defense mechanisms. In fact you don't often know how a relationship is. For example you may think their wife or husband is unattractive because they are not attractive to you so then you're pretty sure they don't have physical connection . The same about the other aspects, those are even harder to judge from the outside. It's easier to conclude that they're not happy so you feel better about your choice. But they may be perfectly happy because they're not you and value and feel things differently.

June 7, 2015

From what I observed from LTRs around me, very few have all 3.

Most people just pick someone that is not terribly unattractive, that they can sort of talk to and that seems to stick around.

I can't seem to figure out why this type of relationship is not enough for *me*.

More likely, they fell in love and that's why they are together. Even if they are not currently as in love, there probably did have a honeymoon period when they were madly in love and thought the world of each other.

If you polled adults, and asked them how many times they've been in love, it would vary. Some fall in love easier than others. Some have had many loves, others have had none, most between the two extremes.

People vary in level of openness to connection. Where do you fall in that spectrum, from the most open to the most guarded?

June 7, 2015

From what I observed from LTRs around me, very few have all 3.

Most people just pick someone that is not terribly unattractive, that they can sort of talk to and that seems to stick around.

I can't seem to figure out why this type of relationship is not enough for *me*.

I think a lot of people are very happy with shallow connections. After all, we are trying to define types of connections here but not really how deep or shallow they are.

I find many many couples around me that don't seem to click all that well. Sure they get on and have some kind of a connection but that intimate thing appears to be missing.

With my last ex, I could talk to him about things I had been ashamed of because - and this comes under intellectual connections - I knew he had the mental capacity to see the human being in some of the darkest things. I think a lot of people reject that because they don't have the capacity to think through what it's like being a human with your good and bad side. They judge based on some idealistic and completely unrealistic standard, men do this too, not just women.

It's rare to find people who have the intellectual capacity to explore deep seated fears. Once you meet someone like that, the emotional (and as a result, the physical) connection deepens. My ex said I was almost as much of a weirdo as him and that was right. I think most people don't have that though, they don't have the self awareness or the ability to understand the deeper drives of the human psyche.

so yeah, most connections are shallow, especially those that are easily formed. Just my view.

June 7, 2015

your 3 levels are what then

June 7, 2015

I was pretty lucky when I first met my husband. When we met there was an immediate physical attraction, and during the conversations we were having we definitely connected on an intellectual level. The emotional level took a little bit longer to become known but we also have that.

It takes a while to find the right person, but when you do you know that they're the one. I went out with a lot of people where I would only connect on one or two levels. At times it can be frustrating and some people may even settle for that but not me. I'm glad I waited.

June 7, 2015

I think its too idealistic to think you are ever gonna get it all....But that's< IME, the way most women seem to be...but I dunno...*shrug*

So what if you "connect"? You don't think people change?

I mean, if you are physically attracted to someone and they let themselves go to hell...then what?...there goes the physical...

We continually change in all ways. And I think that is the great Achilles heel of the concept of marriage. The person you marry today could be someone else in 7 years, and so could you. It is a total crap shoot as to whether or not we change in ways that ensure continued compatibility, A lot of that is driven by genetics that are completely beyond our control.

I've learned as well that people with a good line of bullshyt, (man or woman) can easily fake someone into thinking they were on an intellectual level, that you only find out over time they really weren't...

I can tell in about ten seconds if someone is faking intellect. The idea that you can fake it only applies to people who don't have it.

June 7, 2015

From what I observed from LTRs around me, very few have all 3.

Most people just pick someone that is not terribly unattractive, that they can sort of talk to and that seems to stick around.

I can't seem to figure out why this type of relationship is not enough for *me*.

ha, good one. It all depends how scared they are and what it is that scares them, if you ask me.

While indeed, your perception as an outsider may be completely skewed, it may also be that you can see much more clearly that they are settling, while they are alone, living inside their heads, with their fears and sometimes they have a much harder time seeing reality for what really is.

Or maybe the connection they feel on one of these three levels is so deep and so strong, is bringing them so much satisfaction, almost hooking them, that they cannot let go of that person, even if the other 2 levels are failing - so rationally, an outsider can see that the RS won't work, eventually.

I feel RSs test us, test our evolution, as individuals. How much we know ourselves. How much we understand our basic needs, strong likes and strong dislikes. How ready we are to love. How open we are to love.

And of course people change and evolve. But less in their late 30 compared to their 20... You're not a plant growing out of control. You're not a fir of grass one day and a palm tree 4 years later... I feel that people who hide behind this argument to say why LTR or marriages don't work are people who are actually afraid of commitment or of really letting themselves get close to someone. There's no other way of experiencing love, unless one allows himself to get vulnerable in front of his partner.

June 7, 2015

We continually change in all ways. And I think that is the great Achilles heel of the concept of marriage. The person you marry today could be someone else in 7 years, and so could you. It is a total crap shoot as to whether or not we change in ways that ensure continued compatibility, A lot of that is driven by genetics that are completely beyond our control.

Agreed...I think the mistake most people make(and I see this more of women than men), is that nothing short of perfection will suffice...Perfect intimacy, perfect this, perfect that...I can't tell you the amount of women I personally know. who have divorced relatively good men, only to regret it later on when they never found what they thought they were looking for or were missing....

I can tell in about ten seconds if someone is faking intellect. The idea that you can fake it only applies to people who don't have it.

Tell that to all the highly accomplished people who put millions in the hands of Bernie Madoff...

TFY

June 7, 2015

And of course people change and evolve. But less in their late 30 compared to their 20... You're not a plant growing out of control. You're not a fir of grass one day and a palm tree 4 years later... I feel that people who hide behind this argument to say why LTR or marriages don't work are people who are actually afraid of commitment or of really letting themselves get close to someone. There's no other way of experiencing love, unless one allows himself to get vulnerable in front of his partner.

Vulnerability is absolutely essential to falling love. And it's so, so scary.

I tend to agree about not changing as much as is often suggested. From my personal experience, partnering at 17 and now in my 40s, I've certainly grown a lot, but it hasn't changed my love for my partner. Our love was strong on all 3 when were were young, and it has never wavered.

Years ago, when I was a teenager, my grandfather had a huge bypass surgery. My grandparents had at that time been married more than 50 years (now more than 70). Prior to the surgery, I thought of my grandparents as a bickering couple. From my perspective, they didn't seem all that "in love". They complained about each other all the time. Little things, nothing monumental.

My perspective changed when my grandfather had that surgery. I saw how fiercely my grandmother loved him, and he her. The concern was palpable. The love intense. The bickering returned, but I understand it better now. Even in my own marriage, little irritations can build. Guests and family, seeing us on the wrong day, might conclude that we annoy each other a lot. Sometimes we do! Often, we are more irritable when guests and family are around, haha. Sometimes we are annoyed with guests and family, and it rolls into being irritable with each other.

Anyway, all this to say that we can not truly know the depth of love and connection from an outside perspective. The couple that seems SO in love can be a farce. The couple that bickers and shouts could have white hot sex and deeply intimate discussions until late at night.

June 7, 2015

Vulnerability is absolutely essential to falling love. And it's so, so scary.

I tend to agree about not changing as much as is often suggested. From my personal experience, partnering at 17 and now in my 40s, I've certainly grown a lot, but it hasn't changed my love for my partner. Our love was strong on all 3 when were were young, and it has never wavered.

Years ago, when I was a teenager, my grandfather had a huge bypass surgery. My grandparents had at that time been married more than 50 years (now more than 70). Prior to the surgery, I thought of my grandparents as a bickering couple. From my perspective, they didn't seem all that "in love". They complained about each other all the time. Little things, nothing monumental.

My perspective changed when my grandfather had that surgery. I saw how fiercely my grandmother loved him, and he her. The concern was palpable. The love intense. The bickering returned, but I understand it better now. Even in my own marriage, little irritations can build. Guests and family, seeing us on the wrong day, might conclude that we annoy each other a lot. Sometimes we do! Often, we are more irritable when guests and family are around, haha. Sometimes we are annoyed with guests and family, and it rolls into being irritable with each other.

Anyway, all this to say that we can not truly know the depth of love and connection from an outside perspective. The couple that seems SO in love can be a farce. The couple that bickers and shouts could have white hot sex and deeply intimate discussions until late at night.

Huge difference in era's

People fixed things that broke back then....now they throw them in the garbage and get a new one...

TFY

June 7, 2015

very difficult to find all 3. and what if you feel you have all 3 with someone and they only feel 2 things back for you. that's when it hurts. you have to be very lucky. most people settle, i truly believe that. i think the intellectual and physical are fairly easy to find with someone. it's the emotional that is rarer.

June 7, 2015

Huge difference in era's

People fixed things that broke back then....now they throw them in the garbage and get a new one...

TFY

No no, losers do. those terrified to fall inlove. Trust me, if you find someone who loves you and you love right back, you're not gonna let them go just like that. People who switch partners like old socks are not inlove with any of them.

Substitutes for whatever's missing in their lives - company, security, sex, image, etc. def not love.

And def not a deep connection on all three levels - which this thread is all about. Your superficial answer, while valid as from personal observation or experience, I imagine, is off topic, I am afraid.

June 7, 2015

I just watched Simon Pegg's movie today on Netflix

and it deals with Eternal Sunshine's question. Hector finds all 3 types of connections in his girlfriend but he nearly loses her before he realizes she has all 3. Love that movie!

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