How do people find a connection on all levels?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Just curious about people on here that were or are in long term relationships.

 

Do you feel like your connection to your partner is strong on emotional, physical and intellectual level? I have never been able to find all 3 and it seems to me it's pointless to be with someone unless you connect on all 3 levels.

 

Do most people go for 2 out of 3 or something?

[minimariah]

you know, i went for 2 out of 3 with my xH.

we were never SUPER connected on all levels but i was more than okay with that because i was madly in love with him & was convinced that our differences are actually welcome & we did found our dynamics.

 

but when i met a man i fell in love with after my divorce...?

 

3 out of 3. how it had happened? pure luck, i guess.

 

but let me tell you... it was magic. pure magic.

[autumnnight]

I can tell you that you WON'T find it in a day or a week or probably even a month. And you won't find it through texts and words on a screen.

 

It will be found in natural,m progressive, face to face interaction.

 

That is what a lot of these "but we chatted for 5 days and texted for 3 so I don't understand why it wasn't true love and we didn't have sex" daters will never get.

 

Connection takes time and risk and investment. And unlike mathematical formulas, there are no guarantees. It's even less guaranteed than rolling dice in a Dungeons and Dragons game! lol

[xxoo]

Intellectually compatibility may be the easiest, since our social groups are generally determined by work and education. Educated professionals tend to live and work among educated professionals.

 

From there, it is a matter of finding physical and emotional connection. For me, at least, the physical and emotional connection are linked. Can't have one without the other.

[Methodical]

Finding people you connect with on all levels is difficult, at best.

 

I have never used an online dating site and doubt I ever would. I have heard/read too many things about how shady people are: they use profile pics. from five years prior when his hair wasn't receding or she didn't have the beginnings of crow's feet around her eyes, they lie about their age, lie about having children, lie about their job/career, etc.

 

Doctored up personas for the sake of looking more attractive leads to resentment upon actual meeting IF that ever happens because some people use OLD as a way to pass time and it's really just one big game to them. Then there are people who are heavily invested in PUA tactics, again game players who never intend to meet anyone in person, they simply want to see how many potential candids they can score.

 

Real life situations are going to be your best bet. Consider where like minded individuals would hang out, for example an upscale lounge versus a pool hall bar.

[crosswordfiend]

Intellectually compatibility may be the easiest, since our social groups are generally determined by work and education. Educated professionals tend to live and work among educated professionals.

 

From there, it is a matter of finding physical and emotional connection. For me, at least, the physical and emotional connection are linked. Can't have one without the other.

 

The more sophisticated, quirky, off-beat you are, the harder it becomes to find intellectual compatibility.

 

In response to the OP, you don't look for a connection on all levels. It just sort of happens. The only thing you can do is make yourself emotionally available to seize the connection when it presents itself. I would say I meet someone I connect with on all levels every 3-5 years. That said, I don't solely restrict myself to those select few.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Intellectually compatibility may be the easiest, since our social groups are generally determined by work and education. Educated professionals tend to live and work among educated professionals.

 

From there, it is a matter of finding physical and emotional connection. For me, at least, the physical and emotional connection are linked. Can't have one without the other.

 

I can see that about educated professionals. When you do OLD though, you are lucky to find 1 out of 3

[Weezy1973]

OP, I get the sense that you might not be capable of an emotional connection at this point in your life. You strike me as having a lot of walls up and really trying, beyond anything, not to get hurt. That's a sure fire way to never connect emotionally.

 

So - you have a couple of options:

 

1. Just worry about the physical and intellectual (so 2 out of 3) and then hope that with time and trust your walls come down and you're able to connect emotionally.

 

2. Do the emotional work first through whatever way is meaningful to you, and then start dating again after you're done.

[misspond]

So far, even though I've been in a couple of LTR's I've never connected with them on all three levels. Well, maybe with my first boyfriend, but I was very young then and due to that alone it was bound not to go the distance. The man I lived with and had children with connected really well until we didn't. So all things are mutable and flexible and we have to ride the waves when they come; well, that's how it's been for me so far anyway.

 

People are people, and if we're not constantly learning, changing, adapting and experiencing then we get stuck in ruts. I for one love to read about people who say they've found a partner with whom they connect on all levels and I hope for their sakes that they stay together forever. But who knows what will happen in the future? Just be open and honest and see what happens.

[thefooloftheyear]

I think its too idealistic to think you are ever gonna get it all....But that's< IME, the way most women seem to be...but I dunno...*shrug*

 

So what if you "connect"? You don't think people change?

 

I mean, if you are physically attracted to someone and they let themselves go to hell...then what?...there goes the physical...

 

I've learned as well that people with a good line of bullshyt, (man or woman) can easily fake someone into thinking they were on an intellectual level, that you only find out over time they really weren't...

 

I just don't see how you can assure yourself of anything, really...Then it just goes back to "gut feelings"....But again, who knows?

 

TFY

[d0nnivain]

Of all the LTRs I have ever had (defined as more than one year) I have always had all 3. If one's missing I don't continue that long. Some times getting the emotional connection takes time. You have to build up to it. I need a great deal of trust to open up.

[elaine567]

I think its too idealistic to think you are ever gonna get it all....But that's< IME, the way most women seem to be...but I dunno...*shrug*

 

So what if you "connect"? You don't think people change?

 

I mean, if you are physically attracted to someone and they let themselves go to hell...then what?...there goes the physical...

 

I've learned as well that people with a good line of bullshyt, (man or woman) can easily fake someone into thinking they were on an intellectual level, that you only find out over time they really weren't...

 

I agree connections are dynamic, and what seems a rock solid connection can melt away in the sun so easily, despite all attempts to save it.

[candie13]

the older we get, the more we intellectualize our RS and yeah, even convince ourselves of "things", such as "compatibility". Sometimes we are so starving for love that we don't take the time to listen to yourselves and jump right in...

 

truth is, with time, you understand if you're settling or not. Most of the times, if you're not sure, it's that it's a No.

 

My most successful RS was with my ex of 7 years and we were inlove. I can say, at the time, we were a perfect match on all three levels. He was less strong from an educational perspective, but he was smart and extremely intuitive, so that was never an issue. I've always found his sensitivity extremely enriching, he was one of those incredibly few men I would not get bored with, irrelevant of how much time we'd spend together. In the end, it was the emotional depth that made us drift, we were in a LDR and I had needs that he could not meet.

 

anyway, my answer to your question - from my own experience: pure luck.

But, what helps is knowing yourself - and this is where age helps me . If you have clear likes and dislikes, hanging out with people with similar interests severely increase the chances of meeting a more interesting individual, compared to OLD.

[StalwartMind]

Some people are more receptive in allowing themselves to connect with their partner on all levels. The less restricted your personality is, the easier you'll find yourself in being able to enjoy the company of another person. If we look around us today, most of us are so heavily polluted by the media, expectation, environment and society. So much that we almost instantly reject the possibility of a connection could happen. I'm unsure how many can recognize this, but if you are good at adapting to different situations as well as people, I feel you have an advantage in being open to ideas.

 

When you have the connection on all levels with someone else, there is no doubt you'll find yourself being more relaxed as it mutually shows in your action and desires. With that said though I believe a lot of couples can make it work on less. We can all learn to be capable of appreciating different and new things, but that is typically directed by our passion and desire to do so.

 

Unselfishly I'd wish for everyone to experience it, whether it be again or for the first time, it is perhaps one of the most soothing and powerful states we are able to exist in.

[Emilia]

Unselfishly I'd wish for everyone to experience it, whether it be again or for the first time, it is perhaps one of the most soothing and powerful states we are able to exist in.

 

it is also extremely hard to walk away from - as there is no guarantee that it will work out

[candie13]

it is also extremely hard to walk away from - as there is no guarantee that it will work out

 

if you start a RS believe it will end, guess what, it will end. Self fulfilling prophecy.

 

I'm not talking about blindly throwing yourself in a relationship, but I am talking about principles and commitment, on top of finding that deep connection, on all three levels - and even beyond that (spiritually, etc).

[Emilia]

if you start a RS believe it will end, guess what, it will end. Self fulfilling prophecy.

 

I'm not talking about blindly throwing yourself in a relationship, but I am talking about principles and commitment, on top of finding that deep connection, on all three levels - and even beyond that (spiritually, etc).

 

I've no idea how you jumped to these conclusions from my post, it wasn't a response to yours.

[candie13]

I've no idea how you jumped to these conclusions from my post, it wasn't a response to yours.

 

oh, from the phrase I quoted (in your last post). I thought it was your response to StalwardMind .

[Emilia]

oh, from the phrase I quoted - I thought it was your response to StalwardMind.

 

Yes that's right but no idea how your response is connected to anything I said.

[candie13]

Yes that's right but no idea how your response is connected to anything I said.

 

lol, I am lost, because I don't understand what you don't understand.

 

in your post, your last phrase was making reference to "it's also extremely hard to walk away from". If you find that deep connection, if you experience that RS, why would you automatically think about leaving?

 

Indeed, there is no guarantee anything will work out, but if you don't give your very best shot and believe with all your heart it will work, I am not persuaded it will work.

 

This is a sore spot, as my recent ex (divorced 10 years ago) seemed to think all RS end, everyone gets divorced (eventually), etc etc. That is fundamentally toxic internal belief - and I am convinced he thinks it's the truth. It's his reality. Not mine, luckily for me. To be loved with all of your heart, one should love with all of his heart. Prenupts and contracts included, of course.

[Emilia]

lol, I am lost, because I don't understand what you don't understand.

 

in your post, your last phrase was making reference to "it's also extremely hard to walk away from". If you find that deep connection, if you experience that RS, why would you automatically think about leaving?

 

I was posting about something that I experienced and happened not hypothetical. I had no idea it could be read otherwise.

[candie13]

I was posting about something that I experienced and happened not hypothetical. I had no idea it could be read otherwise.

 

oh... I am sorry to hear, Emilia. How did this change you, after you've left ?

[Emilia]

oh... I am sorry to hear, Emilia. How did this change you, after you've left ?

 

That's ok. It hasn't.

[Emilia]

Intellectually compatibility may be the easiest, since our social groups are generally determined by work and education. Educated professionals tend to live and work among educated professionals.

.

 

It's not quite as simple unfortunately. It has nothing to do education -at least for me. It's about not having to explain myself regardless what I say and vice versa. VERY rare to find that with the other 2 components. I have it with my boss which is why he asked me to work for him again but not the other 2 components of course.

[deadelvis]

I think you need all 3 to be happy. I've had relationships where one or more of those components was missing and it ultimately led to disaster. The physical and emotional connections are obvious, and in many ways linked to each other, but I find intellectual chemistry a bit harder to define. You can usually determine within a fairly short period of time if you are physically or emotionally compatible, but intellectually things can be a little trickier. Men and women often have much different interests and passions. I think this is where the phrase "opposites attract" can come into play. It's good to share basic values and ideals, and to feel intellectual stimulated by your partner, but it's not always fair to expect a perfect connection in that regard. I find it nearly impossible to even have friends of the same gender who share more than a marginal intellectual overlap. For example: Three things I enjoy are classic literature, antique motorcycles and electronic music production. Finding anyone who shares those three interests is nearly impossible, so I fulfill those components of my life by having three different groups of friends, my literature friends, my motorcycle buddies and my producer friends. Most of those different groups of people wouldn't even get along with each other. Expecting a partner to have any interest in those things would seriously limit my options. I do want a partner to be intelligent and thoughtful but I'm content with being intellectually opposites.