JohnGoober Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 guess I've made a lot of threads here but I think this will be the final one. I realized all of this now and I believe its already too late. I took her for granted to protect myself from getting hurt and because of my insecurities. I never knew she really did like me and cared for me. I had promised her I would meet her in March but I couldn't meet her because I had some trouble in my home and I had to get it sorted out. I postponed it to April and again, I postponed it to May...I couldn't meet her in May as well because I was busy looking for jobs. I feel like I betrayed her trust and gave her false hopes and let her down. One of the major reason for me postponing is because I did not feel ready and I had lot of problems in my life. I never told her about my anxiety issues.She told me I didn't care enough about the relationship and I was being inconsistent. I've been making a lot of positive changes in my life now and I can finally meet her in 2 months. She told me she is losing patience and doesn't feel like she's in relationship anymore and she's not that interested in talking to me anymore. I realized my mistakes but is it too late to sort it out? She broke up with me once and we got back, we stopped talking for a while to give each other space but nothing seems to be working. We're drifting apart day by day. She feels like giving up and I'm trying to reassure her but I feel like I can't force her feelings to change. She was very excited to meet me and had planned a lot of things for me. She doesn't feel the same way anymore. How can I win her trust? I'm lost.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 guess I've made a lot of threads here but I think this will be the final one. I realized all of this now and I believe its already too late. I took her for granted to protect myself from getting hurt and because of my insecurities. I never knew she really did like me and cared for me. I had promised her I would meet her in March but I couldn't meet her because I had some trouble in my home and I had to get it sorted out. I postponed it to April and again, I postponed it to May...I couldn't meet her in May as well because I was busy looking for jobs. I feel like I betrayed her trust and gave her false hopes and let her down. One of the major reason for me postponing is because I did not feel ready and I had lot of problems in my life. I never told her about my anxiety issues.She told me I didn't care enough about the relationship and I was being inconsistent. I've been making a lot of positive changes in my life now and I can finally meet her in 2 months. She told me she is losing patience and doesn't feel like she's in relationship anymore and she's not that interested in talking to me anymore. I realized my mistakes but is it too late to sort it out? She broke up with me once and we got back, we stopped talking for a while to give each other space but nothing seems to be working. We're drifting apart day by day. She feels like giving up and I'm trying to reassure her but I feel like I can't force her feelings to change. She was very excited to meet me and had planned a lot of things for me. She doesn't feel the same way anymore. How can I win her trust? I'm lost. I think she already gave up. If she's told you she's no longer interested, there's not a lot you can do. Have you explained your reasons for postponing? If not, you're just coming across as a huge flake to her and she probably thinks you were never serious about meeting her. If you can outline for her what your hesitations were, perhaps she will re-consider and be more open to meeting. Does she know you can come in two months? If she knows and she still isn't interested, then I would say you need to move on. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Now that you're in a better place, why don't you meet someone in real life, rather than someone on the computer? That's such a dead end. 2
Author JohnGoober Posted June 6, 2015 Author Posted June 6, 2015 Now that you're in a better place, why don't you meet someone in real life, rather than someone on the computer? That's such a dead end. I've met a lot here but it never worked out, I didn't feel the connection and none had the same interests as me. But with her, its entirely different. I'd like to give it a shot. 1
Author JohnGoober Posted June 6, 2015 Author Posted June 6, 2015 I think she already gave up. If she's told you she's no longer interested, there's not a lot you can do. Have you explained your reasons for postponing? If not, you're just coming across as a huge flake to her and she probably thinks you were never serious about meeting her. If you can outline for her what your hesitations were, perhaps she will re-consider and be more open to meeting. Does she know you can come in two months? If she knows and she still isn't interested, then I would say you need to move on. Yes, I have explained everything for postponing. At first, she was understanding. But now, she's cold towards me. I've told her I'll be visiting in 2 months but she doesn't know if she has the patience till then. Plus, it took me a while to make the money for the flight ticket and I finally have it.
justwhoiam Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 We're drifting apart day by day. I really feel for you. I myself am going through a rough patch of arguments that ruined the otherwise nice atmosphere between us. Negativity can set in and make someone lose hope. She was very excited to meet me and had planned a lot of things for me. She doesn't feel the same way anymore. How can I win her trust? I'm lost. Win her back. Be there for her. Be ready to give up some of your free time just to show her you really care. Avoid any argument. Send her sweet good morning e-cards for her to read early in the morning that will put a smile on her face or - even better - that can be inspirational. Don't overdo it with compliments, they'd be out of place right now. Just use short sentences, but meaningful. Don't be predictable, don't use the very same website/type of card. Don't joke around yet, because you can't know if she will like that. Buy plane tickets or, if you will drive to her, let her have the details of your hotel reservation. Let her know you're for real and serious about visiting her. Don't say ILUs, keep that for when you will meet in person and you will feel that way. Genuinely be interested in her daily life, but if she's being less responsive than usual, take the lead. Ask her if she still has a draft or list of things to do/see for when you're there. If she does, ask her to please send it to you, so that you can read it and contribute to it, share your thoughts. Don't reject her ideas. You could sort them out in two separate lists: priorities and if we still have time or feel like it. Then share your 2 new lists with her and ask her if she feels the same or things some things should be moved to the other list. I wish you the best.
fred123 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 I really feel for you. I myself am going through a rough patch of arguments that ruined the otherwise nice atmosphere between us. Negativity can set in and make someone lose hope. Win her back. Be there for her. Be ready to give up some of your free time just to show her you really care. Avoid any argument. Send her sweet good morning e-cards for her to read early in the morning that will put a smile on her face or - even better - that can be inspirational. Don't overdo it with compliments, they'd be out of place right now. Just use short sentences, but meaningful. Don't be predictable, don't use the very same website/type of card. Don't joke around yet, because you can't know if she will like that. Buy plane tickets or, if you will drive to her, let her have the details of your hotel reservation. Let her know you're for real and serious about visiting her. Don't say ILUs, keep that for when you will meet in person and you will feel that way. Genuinely be interested in her daily life, but if she's being less responsive than usual, take the lead. Ask her if she still has a draft or list of things to do/see for when you're there. If she does, ask her to please send it to you, so that you can read it and contribute to it, share your thoughts. Don't reject her ideas. You could sort them out in two separate lists: priorities and if we still have time or feel like it. Then share your 2 new lists with her and ask her if she feels the same or things some things should be moved to the other list. I wish you the best. nice idea whoiam but what if she doesn't like him anymore or only sees him as a friend. what he would be doing with your advice would annoy her and lose her as a friend. what if she says yh we can still meet but he is feeling that she's not all that into him anymore before he meets? does he still travel and go?
Manchester45 Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 My advice is to give her space. If she is really interested she will be back. Just keep the communication lines open. Go on live your live. Don't make the mistake again when you get a second chance.
Yami Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 nice idea whoiam but what if she doesn't like him anymore or only sees him as a friend. what he would be doing with your advice would annoy her and lose her as a friend. what if she says yh we can still meet but he is feeling that she's not all that into him anymore before he meets? does he still travel and go? You made a good point. Waiting to hear from you whoiam. She says she still likes me and will try to be more patient.
minime13 Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 Yes, I have explained everything for postponing. At first, she was understanding. But now, she's cold towards me. I've told her I'll be visiting in 2 months but she doesn't know if she has the patience till then. Plus, it took me a while to make the money for the flight ticket and I finally have it. The thing about it is that your word means something...until it doesn't. Extenuating circumstances can happen, and you may have to cancel or postpone a trip - especially in a LDR. However, if you have to postpone, you better make sure, without a doubt, that you can make the next commitment. At this point, you've made three different sets of plans, and have broken that commitment 3 different times. That's not acceptable, regardless of the circumstance (short of death or illness). You should have made a reasonable commitment to meet up after postponing the first time, but you didn't. So, she no longer trusts that you're doing anything other than leading her on. The best you can do is explain to her that you understand why she feels that way. That your continuing to break plans with her was not intentional, but you should have made a better effort to work out a date that you could realistically honor. Accept full responsibility for what happened, and let her know that you screwed up, and simply took it for granted to keep expecting her to be understanding with every plan you had to postpone. Let her know that you are being genuine, NOW, with your efforts to meet with her. Tell her that you will do everything you can to earn her trust back, and then start doing that. I'm not sure that will work, but the best shot you have is to acknowledge and own up to your mistakes, and let her know you are fully committed to show her that you have learned from all of this.
justwhoiam Posted June 9, 2015 Posted June 9, 2015 nice idea whoiam but what if she doesn't like him anymore or only sees him as a friend. what he would be doing with your advice would annoy her and lose her as a friend. Receiving one message a day would annoy her? I don't think that'd be common. Still possible, but rare. Also, if it's something inspirational, it's always nice. Begging I guess wouldn't work in most cases. Being invasive. Pestering her with messages... those would be the bad things not to do. what if she says yh we can still meet but he is feeling that she's not all that into him anymore before he meets? does he still travel and go? Yes. Here chances that she's all over him before he visits are slim. He needs to wait to be there. But before that, he needs to pave the way somehow. You made a good point. Waiting to hear from you whoiam. She says she still likes me and will try to be more patient. I was referring to John's situation. I'm not sure what you mean here.
MrChiLambda Posted June 14, 2015 Posted June 14, 2015 You can win trust through your behavior and effort. Some of us are nowhere near at the same social skill levels as others, so be patient, and gracious, and ease up on moving forward fast until you can be respected, which is the same thing as trust more or less.
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