Hurt by her comments, should I cut her out?

June 6, 2015

I had this close friend of 15 years. We worked together, went through marriages, kids and separations together. She separated long before me -- 11 years ago, and me, 2 yrs ago. So, now we are both going through the dating world together. She is heavy into following the advice in the book, The Rules. I have read it. But she treats it like the Bible, like it is law. So when I share my dating stories with her for advice she's usually there for me but she's scarce on giving empathy. Some of the men I've dated weren't financially stable and seemed like they were interested in my financial stability or sex. Some of them I kept seeing casually knowing I didn't want a relationship. And I'd end it eventually. Anyway, my friend would often make comments that upset or hurt me. I felt like she was criticizing my dating style. She thinks I should be following the rules like her. Her comments made me feel like she's better then me cause she follows them. And she didn't think highly if my assclown exbf. So whenever I mention him, she insults me for having been obsessed with him and if I even mention him. I would mention the good things he offered that I'd want in a man. But not any feelings for him. I told her it hurts me when she makes insulting comments. But she says it's for my good cause she doesn't want me to put him on a pedestal. I let it go. Several weeks later, which was yesterday, she insults me again. I tell her the men I've dropped lately didn't have their life together and it seems she's meeting more men who r together. She says, "that's because I don't talk to losers, but you entertain them, lol". I was so upset. I told her. But she played it down. Never apologized. Well this was one of many times where she has insulted and criticized me. I don't feel good around her. I feel like I have to defend myself, who I am and my dating style to her. She may be watching out for me, but I don't like the way she does it. Very judgmental. I feel like she thinks she's better than me. I decided I don't want that kind of friend in my life so I've cut contact. Do you think I've overreacted or did the right thing? Anyone with similar experience?

June 6, 2015

Not only did you do the right thing, you did the right things.

She said something you didn't like; you told her you didn't like it. She continued, you continued to tell her you didn't like it. Your realized she wasn't going to change, so you made it so she doesn't have the opportunity to do it again.

Well done, now stick to your guns.

June 6, 2015

Have you told your friend how she makes you feel when she critizes you? You have to tell her what you are telling us and that you don't like it. Why not communicate how you feel to her?

June 6, 2015

Yes, you did the right thing! Who needs a friend who makes you feel bad? Noone!

BTW- She's had an 9year head start on the dating and hasn't struck the jackpot yet, I'd say there's something wrong with her or her methods.

June 6, 2015

May I preface by saying, you are free to walk away from most relationships that are harmful.

What concerns me though is , how much value did you put in to her suggestions of dating? Sometimes the best critics (your friends) will share with you for the better of the situation. They know you and want to thwart any heartache.. It is called having your friends heart at best.

Granted she may not have broached it in a kind manner. That is when you "reframe" the conversation and find the essence of guidance. we either learn the hard way or we sometimes take our friends advice to consideration.

Thru my dating years I could have used a friend to thwart off the less then admirable men I dated. They really were out to play...only I was too proud to admit that I chose wrong. Admit your past mistakes, accept that sometimes your friends will steer you to different methods. Unless she is telling you to dress in a monkey suit and prance around your town square at midnight chanting the works of Dr Seuss, I'd say take some consideration into account.

If though you think she is the one dancing around the square, graciously leave the friendship and move along.

June 6, 2015

Have you told your friend how she makes you feel when she critizes you? You have to tell her what you are telling us and that you don't like it. Why not communicate how you feel to her?

Yup, I told her exactly what I`ve told you, and that I don`t feel good when she says things that way. That I prefer she give me good advice instead of making her out to be better than me. She said we are both just different. She said that I was the one who first said the guys I was seeing weren`t all together. Basically, I felt she danced around my issues. I replied that I may have read her tone wrong in her texts but that they come across as harsh. I agreed we are different and I prefer the type of positive help she`s given me in the past ie. if she concurs a guy`s behaviour with me is shady; how I should gracefully end a dating relationship. And that was that. No further communication.

June 6, 2015

May I preface by saying, you are free to walk away from most relationships that are harmful.

What concerns me though is , how much value did you put in to her suggestions of dating? Sometimes the best critics (your friends) will share with you for the better of the situation. They know you and want to thwart any heartache.. It is called having your friends heart at best.
Granted she may not have broached it in a kind manner. That is when you "reframe" the conversation and find the essence of guidance. we either learn the hard way or we sometimes take our friends advice to consideration.
Thru my dating years I could have used a friend to thwart off the less then admirable men I dated. They really were out to play...only I was too proud to admit that I chose wrong. Admit your past mistakes, accept that sometimes your friends will steer you to different methods. Unless she is telling you to dress in a monkey suit and prance around your town square at midnight chanting the works of Dr Seuss, I'd say take some consideration into account.
If though you think she is the one dancing around the square, graciously leave the friendship and move along.

Yes, I did do that -- made concessions or looked past her harshness to see what help she`s trying to give me. But it has happened too often that I just don`t feel good about being around her or talking to her anymore. It really pushes me away. And I feel like everytime I talk with her I have to be careful what I say for fear of her judgement, lol. She is not a comfort. I am not looking for someone to support my bad decisions, but definitely not someone who raises herself while putting me down.

Thanks for your reply. Thanks everyone for your replies. After posting, I thought about things and looked back on our friendship and the times she`s been harsh, and I know I did the right thing. Thanks for confirming my gut was right:)

Edited June 6, 2015 by beyondcrushed

June 6, 2015

I think her real problem is lacking tact and diplomacy.

It is upsetting to see a friend continue dating guys who are no good, then coming to you when it falls through if you gave good advice to her.

Some people just don't deliver their message with sensitivity . It would be different if she said 'I just don't want you to get hurt because your my friend and these guys don't seem good for you '

As opposed to ' if you keep dating losers, it's your own fault '

These so called 'rules' are no bible as you say.

If she can't realise she's being hurtful distance yourself from her.

June 6, 2015

I think her real problem is lacking tact and diplomacy.

It is upsetting to see a friend continue dating guys who are no good, then coming to you when it falls through if you gave good advice to her.

Some people just don't deliver their message with sensitivity . It would be different if she said 'I just don't want you to get hurt because your my friend and these guys don't seem good for you '

As opposed to ' if you keep dating losers, it's your own fault '

These so called 'rules' are no bible as you say.

If she can't realise she's being hurtful distance yourself from her.

Yes, I understand it is hard to watch a friend get hurt or do something you've advised against. I've been on that side of the coin too.

But I prefer sensitivity in advice or support. She just doesn't have it in her. That's just the type of person she is. I've seen her like that with others and her family. I don't think I can continue a friendship with her. Her help feels soul destroying. I have other friends who are as you said, more sensitive and do say things like, "hey, I don't want you to get hurt, ur better than that, these guys might not be for you, etc". And I feel 100% better in those friendships. They nourish my soul. I think I should just surround myself with these friends instead. Thanks for your thoughts:)

Edited June 6, 2015 by beyondcrushed

June 6, 2015

I had this close friend of 15 years. We worked together, went through marriages, kids and separations together. She separated long before me -- 11 years ago, and me, 2 yrs ago. So, now we are both going through the dating world together. She is heavy into following the advice in the book, The Rules. I have read it. But she treats it like the Bible, like it is law. So when I share my dating stories with her for advice she's usually there for me but she's scarce on giving empathy. Some of the men I've dated weren't financially stable and seemed like they were interested in my financial stability or sex. Some of them I kept seeing casually knowing I didn't want a relationship. And I'd end it eventually. Anyway, my friend would often make comments that upset or hurt me. I felt like she was criticizing my dating style. She thinks I should be following the rules like her. Her comments made me feel like she's better then me cause she follows them. And she didn't think highly if my assclown exbf. So whenever I mention him, she insults me for having been obsessed with him and if I even mention him. I would mention the good things he offered that I'd want in a man. But not any feelings for him. I told her it hurts me when she makes insulting comments. But she says it's for my good cause she doesn't want me to put him on a pedestal. I let it go. Several weeks later, which was yesterday, she insults me again. I tell her the men I've dropped lately didn't have their life together and it seems she's meeting more men who r together. She says, "that's because I don't talk to losers, but you entertain them, lol". I was so upset. I told her. But she played it down. Never apologized. Well this was one of many times where she has insulted and criticized me. I don't feel good around her. I feel like I have to defend myself, who I am and my dating style to her. She may be watching out for me, but I don't like the way she does it. Very judgmental. I feel like she thinks she's better than me. I decided I don't want that kind of friend in my life so I've cut contact. Do you think I've overreacted or did the right thing? Anyone with similar experience?

The bolded is the one thing you said that makes me wonder if she's saying these things for your own good or if she just enjoys being superior and judgmental. There is no reason that I can see for her to continue to insult you for a relationship you had that is now over. It's like it's just become normal for her to put you down and criticize you, even if she has to attack you for something you did in the past.

I have a friend that seems to make a habit of dating losers. I do try to get her to see these guys more objectively. I do that by pointing out inconsistencies in their stories and their actions. In other words, I talk about the guy, not her. When these guys disappear I just tell her that she will be okay and that someone better for her is out there. I never insult her.

However I haven't actually been able to steer her clear of these creepy guys either. She listens to what I say and then completely ignores it. I think thats partly because people really do have to learn things the hard way when it comes to romantic relationships. rarely will someone just up and stop seeing someone they are really attracted to just on the advice of a friend, and partly because there are reasons we choose the people we choose and until we address those reasons nothing changes. For example my friend is very insecure and fears being rejected. She has a need for everyone to need her and rely on her, even her son and her family take advantage of her. I used to get mad at everyone on her behalf but then I realized that she actually likes the people in her life being dependent on her, including her boyfriends. It makes her feel secure in her relationships because she thinks they won't leave her if they need her.

If you are making the same mistakes in choosing men over and over again then maybe you need someone to help you explore the reasons you do that. That doesn't sound like this friend. Seek out someone who can help you become self aware without being condescending or insulting.

June 6, 2015

Yes, I understand it is hard to watch a friend get hurt or do something you've advised against. I've been on that side of the coin too.

But I prefer sensitivity in advice or support. She just doesn't have it in her. That's just the type of person she is. I've seen her like that with others and her family. I don't think I can continue a friendship with her. Her help feels soul destroying. I have other friends who are as you said, more sensitive and do say things like, "hey, I don't want you to get hurt, ur better than that, these guys might not be for you, etc". And I feel 100% better in those friendships. They nourish my soul. I think I should just surround myself with these friends instead. Thanks for your thoughts:)

Your welcome .

She's hardly a relationship expert and the fact that you've already told her you don't like her comments makes me wonder why she continues doing it.

Having said that I know some insensitive people who don't think before they speak and then wonder why people get upset.

I had a friend who was seeing this useful guy. He bailed on her so many times, she spent her money on him, took him on vacation to the US from the UK and he treated her like she should be grateful to have him.

I remember telling her that his actions didn't show he cared and that she could do so much better . I honestly wanted to tell her he was using her and had no respect for her or her family. I couldn't believe she didn't put up with him but I realised being harsh wouldn't help. I was very sensitive but funny enough she wouldn't be , it's just not in her.

Pull back and stick with your other friends.

June 6, 2015

I'm with you bout thinking her following The Rules is pretty crazy. My take from the book is it would ONLY work with the top 10 percent of women -- and let's face it -- EVERYTHING works for them. If you don't have many pursuers, The Rules is a useless bad piece of dating advice, and so is "He's Just Not That Into You." Both make points, but definitely not a whole book's worth and definitely doesn't apply to everyone.

That said, I have always felt that if your parents or relatives never like who you're dating, that's one thing. That's because they're overly invested and with parents, they'd prefer you led their life. But it's your life. They had their own to live how they wanted to.

But when your friends think you're making bad choices with men, I do think you should listen. Now, that is not to say what's good for them is what's good for you. They're not you. But especially if more than one friend doesn't like the men you pick, you might benefit from going into some counseling to try to just become more aware of why you are choosing that type men or why you are not demanding better quality for yourself. It's often about what we develop skills to cope with as children. These types or something about them may seem familiar to us and like we know what to do with them. But that does not make them a good choice for a mate.

If I were to steer you to some relationship advice, at this point, I'd point you toward watching Steve Harvey's TV show. Now, he does have a point in common with The Rules, which is he thinks if you're looking for a long-term mate, the way to make sure the guy isn't just playing is not to sleep with him for (his rule) 90 days. That seems extreme, but it all depends what culture you're in and it depends if you want someone permanent or just want some love that may not last forever. And it depends just how dedicated you are to filtering out players, mostly.

Steve Harvey is really good about telling you bluntly how men think and what men want and he keeps self-respect and self-esteem as the ultimate goal, and that's why I like his advice. He will break down the game in a very clear way. He does have books out, but you can watch him on TV and since he's also very funny and entertaining, you'll enjoy it but also get something out of it. He will show women and men having trouble dating what they're doing wrong.

As far as your friend goes, why not stop asking her for advice and start watching Steve Harvey and I will point you to a website that is pretty good as well called Baggage Reclaim. Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

June 6, 2015

The bolded is the one thing you said that makes me wonder if she's saying these things for your own good or if she just enjoys being superior and judgmental. There is no reason that I can see for her to continue to insult you for a relationship you had that is now over. It's like it's just become normal for her to put you down and criticize you, even if she has to attack you for something you did in the past. [/Quote]

Exactly. Agree 100% I think it's bit of both -- doesn't want me to start obsessing again for my own good but it comes across as self-righteous/judgemental. Perhaps as another said, she just doesn't know how to best help a friend or friends like me.

I have a friend that seems to make a habit of dating losers. I do try to get her to see these guys more objectively. I do that by pointing out inconsistencies in their stories and their actions. In other words, I talk about the guy, not her. When these guys disappear I just tell her that she will be okay and that someone better for her is out there. I never insult her.

However I haven't actually been able to steer her clear of these creepy guys either. She listens to what I say and then completely ignores it. I think thats partly because people really do have to learn things the hard way when it comes to romantic relationships. rarely will someone just up and stop seeing someone they are really attracted to just on the advice of a friend, and partly because there are reasons we choose the people we choose and until we address those reasons nothing changes. For example my friend is very insecure and fears being rejected. She has a need for everyone to need her and rely on her, even her son and her family take advantage of her. I used to get mad at everyone on her behalf but then I realized that she actually likes the people in her life being dependent on her, including her boyfriends. It makes her feel secure in her relationships because she thinks they won't leave her if they need her.

I know. I have quickly learned your friends are gonna do what they want no matter your advice. And I don't get bent out of shape and act all, "I told you so". I don't stress about it. I am just there for them no matter their choice.

If you are making the same mistakes in choosing men over and over again then maybe you need someone to help you explore the reasons you do that. That doesn't sound like this friend. Seek out someone who can help you become self aware without being condescending or insulting.

Yes, I will. You are right. I will find someone who can help me not hurt me. And I've done some reflecting on why I attract and associate with these types of men. I need to do more work. Thx.

June 6, 2015

Your welcome .

She's hardly a relationship expert and the fact that you've already told her you don't like her comments makes me wonder why she continues doing it.

Having said that I know some insensitive people who don't think before they speak and then wonder why people get upset.

I had a friend who was seeing this useful guy. He bailed on her so many times, she spent her money on him, took him on vacation to the US from the UK and he treated her like she should be grateful to have him.

I remember telling her that his actions didn't show he cared and that she could do so much better . I honestly wanted to tell her he was using her and had no respect for her or her family. I couldn't believe she didn't put up with him but I realised being harsh wouldn't help. I was very sensitive but funny enough she wouldn't be , it's just not in her.

Pull back and stick with your other friends.

Thanks, I will:)

June 6, 2015

I'm with you bout thinking her following The Rules is pretty crazy. My take from the book is it would ONLY work with the top 10 percent of women -- and let's face it -- EVERYTHING works for them. If you don't have many pursuers, The Rules is a useless bad piece of dating advice, and so is "He's Just Not That Into You." Both make points, but definitely not a whole book's worth and definitely doesn't apply to everyone.

I agree. She says she's had no guidance on life about dating and feels that that's the reason she hasn't found anyone and has only had a string of flings for 11 yrs. She is a lawyer and is studious. So when she came across the Rules, she felt she had to follow them to a 'T'. Once she did. She felt better about herself while dating and got rid of the 'losers'. She felt the rules worked for her so I think that's the reason she holds fast to them and believes others should to. She believes the reason many have problems dating is cause they break the rules. But I don't think life is so black and white. I think some rules are good but she doesn't need to be self righteous about it.

That said, I have always felt that if your parents or relatives never like who you're dating, that's one thing. That's because they're overly invested and with parents, they'd prefer you led their life. But it's your life. They had their own to live how they wanted to.

Hahahaha, that is my life. My parents definitely want me to live their life. But yes, they just want the best for me. My parents were and are overbearing, controlling, critical. I find it hard sometimes to live my own life. A battle. I've always and will always find it hard to introduce them to a man I'm seeing. I don't think they'll ever be happy even if he's a successful, kind, loving, attractive man.

But when your friends think you're making bad choices with men, I do think you should listen. Now, that is not to say what's good for them is what's good for you. They're not you. But especially if more than one friend doesn't like the men you pick, you might benefit from going into some counseling to try to just become more aware of why you are choosing that type men or why you are not demanding better quality for yourself. It's often about what we develop skills to cope with as children. These types or something about them may seem familiar to us and like we know what to do with them. But that does not make them a good choice for a mate.

Yes, I've reflected on why I associate with these types of men. I think it stems from childhood. I was never accepted by who I thought was the well-off, in crowd. I was accepted by the opposite crowd. Those were my friends, sometimes to my parents dismay. I felt my parents were to judgemental and I wasn't like that. I truly enjoy people no matter their walks in life. And I had comfort over the years with those more down to earth. I chose to marry a man who was like my friends. My parents were livid. He wasn't a doctor. He was an electrical apprentice. My parents, and my siblings felt I could of done better. My husband and I separated and now I'm dating again. My comfort is men like my exh, like my school friends. As kids, money, success, stability, etc, didn't matter but as an adult , to me, it now does. But I don't feel worthy of anything better. I think it's cause I was rejected by 'better', as a child. So I'm not comfortable with it. I sometimes want the company and to just hang out with men in my comfort zone. But I know they aren't really good for me. I am making a conscience effort to change my comfort zone and opt for better for myself.

My family and other friends are helping me in a sensitive way, which I appreciate

I'm all over baggage reclaim

Love that blog. Nathalie is amazing. Helped me so much! Thanks for referring to Steven Harvey. Will most definitely check him out. Thanks alot!

It's so hard to change patterns ingrained since childhood. One conscience effort at a time;)

Edited June 6, 2015 by beyondcrushed

June 7, 2015

It is hard to change a whole lot. You can know something rationally but then still have the urge to do the thing you shouldn't do that leads to a mess. But don't stop trying. Even if only a little seeps in and you follow up your new boundaries with some real action, it could make a lot of difference. Even if you just set boundaries with those guys you like, who knows, some of them might step up to the plate more if expected to be the best they can be. But easier to find one that's already fully formed!

Well, your friend may be doing the exact right thing for her. It's just not right for everyone. But if she needed some rules, then great, that's good for her. Steve Harvey will give you some rules. You might want to read his relationship book. He has one on just general success too. But it's fun to watch him. He is a hoot.

June 8, 2015

Several weeks later, which was yesterday, she insults me again. I tell her the men I've dropped lately didn't have their life together and it seems she's meeting more men who r together. She says, "that's because I don't talk to losers, but you entertain them, lol". I was so upset. I told her. But she played it down. Never apologized. Well this was one of many times where she has insulted and criticized me. I don't feel good around her. I feel like I have to defend myself, who I am and my dating style to her. She may be watching out for me, but I don't like the way she does it. Very judgmental. I feel like she thinks she's better than me. I decided I don't want that kind of friend in my life so I've cut contact. Do you think I've overreacted or did the right thing? Anyone with similar experience?

She sounds like a bitch. She's gloating. You did the right thing by cutting her out. I've dealt with many "friends" who would make mean-spirited jokes like that. They have insecurity issues.

June 8, 2015

It is hard to change a whole lot. You can know something rationally but then still have the urge to do the thing you shouldn't do that leads to a mess. But don't stop trying. Even if only a little seeps in and you follow up your new boundaries with some real action, it could make a lot of difference. Even if you just set boundaries with those guys you like, who knows, some of them might step up to the plate more if expected to be the best they can be. But easier to find one that's already fully formed!

I will keep trying. It helps that I`m conscience about my habits and patterns. I think having boundaries helps a lot, and keeping those boundaries. I never had them before and would always accept behaviour that wasn`t good for me. I am tired of fixer upper guys, `he`s great except for x, y, z. Oh, I can live with it or get him to change.` That doesn`t happen. And I want to do it differently this time and wait until I find someone who hits the top 10 deal breakers and has 85 per cent of the rest. I settled before and I don`t want to settle again. Its scary though, cause at 41 years of age it seems like its slim pickings and I think I should take what I can get. Lower my standards, or reduce the number of deal breakers. I don`t know.

Well, your friend may be doing the exact right thing for her. It's just not right for everyone. But if she needed some rules, then great, that's good for her. Steve Harvey will give you some rules. You might want to read his relationship book. He has one on just general success too. But it's fun to watch him. He is a hoot.

I think the rules were great for my friend. She had many casual encounters with attached men and felt terrible. She feels 100 per cent better following the rules and I`m glad for her.

I watched the Steve`s movie, Think Like a Man. Hilarious. Great flick. I will buy his book for sure. Thanks.

June 8, 2015

She sounds like a bitch. She's gloating. You did the right thing by cutting her out. I've dealt with many "friends" who would make mean-spirited jokes like that. They have insecurity issues.

That`s exactly what I felt like. I felt as though she was gloating. She is very insecure and I agree with you. Her insecurity makes her gloat to feel better about herself but at my expense. Glad I`m not imagining things. Thanks for sharing your thoughts:)

I unfriended her and her sister from Facebook, deleted her contact information. I wonder what I should tell her if she tries to contact me....Sorry but I cannot continue this friendship with you. It`s not healthy for me. All the best.

Edited June 8, 2015 by beyondcrushed

June 8, 2015

That`s exactly what I felt like. I felt as though she was gloating. She is very insecure and I agree with you. Her insecurity makes her gloat to feel better about herself but at my expense. Glad I`m not imagining things. Thanks for sharing your thoughts:)

I unfriended her and her sister from Facebook, deleted her contact information. I wonder what I should tell her if she tries to contact me....Sorry but I cannot continue this friendship with you. It`s not healthy for me. All the best.

Friends are not supposed to be parrots

Friends are not supporting going back to relationships you will cry to them about again

Friends are not to lie when honesty will be for your own good.

If she was cruel in her delivery perhaps she lacks tact

I have such issue myself I say it how it is or don't ask me.

Honest talk is needed here ASP

If there is anything you value about her

but if not...

June 9, 2015

Friends are not supposed to be parrots
Friends are not supporting going back to relationships you will cry to them about again
Friends are not to lie when honesty will be for your own good.
If she was cruel in her delivery perhaps she lacks tact
I have such issue myself I say it how it is or don't ask me.

Honest talk is needed here ASP
If there is anything you value about her
but if not...

We have been friends for many years. She doesn't lack tact because she is tactful in other ways to many people. She is aware and in control of what she says and how she says it, her career depends on it. She was deliberate and malicious in her comment to me. It's different than blurting honest opinion. She didn't say, "I think losers want you because you talk to them. I think you should talk to more successful men instead." She made a bad joke at my expense, "That's cause I don't talk to losers, but you entertain them, lol"

I feel she's grown impatient, may have contempt for me due to my decisions. I think she was being malicious and throwing my vulnerabilities in my face. I don't think the value she brings makes up for that. I don't think she's a friend of mine anymore and I think I shouldn't continue.

Thanks.

Edited June 9, 2015 by beyondcrushed

June 10, 2015

By all means then do what you need to do.

Sign In

Hurt by her comments, should I cut her out?

Recommended Posts

beyondcrushed

WhatYouWantToHear

stillafool

mrs rubble

Tayla

beyondcrushed

beyondcrushed

sandylee1

beyondcrushed

anika99

sandylee1

preraph

beyondcrushed

beyondcrushed

beyondcrushed

preraph

SpiralOut

beyondcrushed

beyondcrushed

bluegreen

beyondcrushed

bluegreen

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...