juststarry6443 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 On New Years Eve I had a few drinks too many. My best friend knew my boyfriend didn't want me drinking a lot she tried to play it off and say tht i only had a couple of beers. My boyfriend arrived to the party to pick me up and saw tht I was way more than a couple of beers in since I was puking into the toilet. He realized my friend lied to him...after tht day he just doesn't trust her. Hates to here tht I'm hanging out with her. Judges everything I tell him about her. For example, today I mentioned her starting to online date and he goes on to say she needs to get her mind right before she's ready for guys --go to school, get a job. I respond with how she has already finished school and continues job hunting and going to interviews just haven't gotten any offers. And tht if I'm okay with her online dating as one of her closest friends i don't think he should judge it either. He goes on to say Okay and that's you. I don't know her like that and she lied to me. So yeah... It's June now...that's over 5 months ago. I'm trying to be reasonable. I have great patience when it comes to people's stupidity. They both have their flaws but I love them both regardless. I've been friends with my best friend for 6 years. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 1/2 years. I don't know how I can be in a relationship where I have to force myself to refrain from talking about something/someone because I know he is still annoyed about tht something/someone. How can I reason with him and just get him to know thts its not a serious matter?
WhatYouWantToHear Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 How can I reason with him and just get him to know thts its not a serious matter? Seriously? How many people do you know who have changed their minds on something they believe? It doesn't happen often and no amount of words you use on your boyfriend is going to achieve this. Your best friend and your boyfriend are mutually exclusive--in 1 year, at most one of them will be in your life. I don't know which, but it doesn't sound like you can have both. My advice is to choose one because if you try and keep them both you might end up with neither.
MissBee Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 On New Years Eve I had a few drinks too many. My best friend knew my boyfriend didn't want me drinking a lot she tried to play it off and say tht i only had a couple of beers. My boyfriend arrived to the party to pick me up and saw tht I was way more than a couple of beers in since I was puking into the toilet. He realized my friend lied to him...after tht day he just doesn't trust her. Hates to here tht I'm hanging out with her. Judges everything I tell him about her. For example, today I mentioned her starting to online date and he goes on to say she needs to get her mind right before she's ready for guys --go to school, get a job. I respond with how she has already finished school and continues job hunting and going to interviews just haven't gotten any offers. And tht if I'm okay with her online dating as one of her closest friends i don't think he should judge it either. He goes on to say Okay and that's you. I don't know her like that and she lied to me. So yeah... It's June now...that's over 5 months ago. I'm trying to be reasonable. I have great patience when it comes to people's stupidity. They both have their flaws but I love them both regardless. I've been friends with my best friend for 6 years. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 1/2 years. I don't know how I can be in a relationship where I have to force myself to refrain from talking about something/someone because I know he is still annoyed about tht something/someone. How can I reason with him and just get him to know thts its not a serious matter? First off: I don't get why he's mad at HER because you drank too much. Why wasn't he just mad at you since that was your choice and not hers? Second: she is YOUR friend, not HIS. So of course she would downplay something to him to cover for you. His whole "she lied to me" is over the top and ridiculous. Your bf seems petty to be honest. His reason for disliking her is ridiculous and I'd just tell him that she didn't lie to him, she was covering for you, that was on you not her, and you're not gonna stop being friends with her so he needs to at least be cordial. 3
mystikmind2005 Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 If he is not simply just a jerk, then it could be this.... He loves you and therefore is defensive of your well-being, Now, in his mind, your girlfriend has established herself as a threat to your well-being. It may not be a reasonable mindset, but certainly understandable. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Has he always disliked her or is this new since NYE when she lied to him? If it's new you may be able to defuse it. If it's been the whole time, just keep them apart
Poutrew Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 It sounds like you bf is mature, and concerned for your wellbeing. He places trust as an important quality to have. Unfortunately your friend has revealed herself to be immature as she sees no problem lying to smooth things over. Her lack of finding a job is also probably related as most bosses are going to be like your boyfriend in that regard. Let's say you two get married, and your friend throws the bachelorette party. Is she going to be the one that looks out for your back when you get blackout drunk, or is she going to be the one egging you to 'lick the whipped cream' off the strippers trouser snake? And then coaching you to lie to you boyfriend about what happened? Picture the roles reversed - would you be OK with one of his friends who showed you he had no character or morals taking your soon to be hubby out for a night of 'crazy debauchery' for his bachelor party? Would you believe him when he told you nothing happened - just drank too much? Unfortunately, I do not think this is going to be your future - you are going to have to decide between either your friend or your boyfriend, and I think you are going to choose your friend. Why? Because you still like doing the things your friend does, and not the things your boyfriend does, as your excessive drinking is showing. *This* is what your boyfriend is eventually going to leave you over as he sounds like he wants a more mature woman, someone you just aren't quite yet...Just remember you had a good thing, because when your girlfriend finally finds her 'perfect match' she's going to throw you under the bus for him if she has to... 1
preraph Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 Some people just never want their gf or bf to have other friends. It's a red flag because trying to isolate is often the first step in an abusive relationship. I'm not even sure he should be telling his gf how much to drink, but he certainly shouldn't be blaming her friends. If he doesn't like how his gf is, he needs to leave her, not try to tell her what to do and who to hang out with. You know, I've never had a guy try to discourage me from my friends or blame them for things, but I've had one friend of mine go with guys who did that. I think it's their own fault for not setting boundaries or leaving them if they need to. Both of the guys were controlling alcoholics. I'm no longer friends with her because she let him isolate her and rationalized it. The only obligation a bf/gf has with someone's friends is the most basic one. Be polite and somewhat social with them and otherwise stay out of their business and keep them out of yours. 1
newmoon Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 we have a family situation like this - the two people seriously dislike one another, like really bad, but since they are both in the family, and both loved, we find a way to handle it. if you want both of these people in your life, then you need to at least do this one thing... do not talk about your boyfriend to your best friend and vice-versa. the dislike for one another will only continue to feed and grow if you (as the middle person) go back and forth with stories to/about them. it's actually you that creates the problem. if you didn't tell your bf and bout your best friend, and vice-versa, they would know less about each other, right? and you can look for ways to be with each of them without the other around, or only when your friend has her bf or another friend along. never just the three of you. if you want them both in your life you have to make some adjustments to help solve it. 1
writergal Posted June 6, 2015 Posted June 6, 2015 OP, Has your boyfriend told you exactly why he doesn't like your best-friend? You don't have to give up your boyfriend or your best-friend. But you do need to get them both on the same page with you -- they are in a relationship with you, not each other. And that starts with you not pitting them against each other, because I think you may have done that on New Years Eve when your best friend lied for you, so that your boyfriend wouldn't be angry that you got drunk. Maybe that's not what you wanted to happen, but it sounds like that's what happened to me. On New Years Eve, you got drunk knowing that your boyfriend would be upset about it, and having your best friend lie to him for you (and it's pretty hard to lie about someone being drunk when the drunk person is so drunk they're puking in the toilet). I think if you had come clean to your boyfriend the next day about that situation -- that it was you who chose to get drunk and that it was you who asked your best friend to lie for you, he'd see her in a less threatening light. He wouldn't see her as a bad influence on you, if that is how he sees your best friend. If you are going to do things that make your boyfriend mad like getting blind drunk on New Years Eve, and then just expect your best friend to take the fall for you with him, well that's not very fair to either of them. And I know couples like that. I don't know if that's what is happening. And I can't imagine your boyfriend disliking your best friend unless she gives him a specific reason to, like with New Years Eve. How did you handle New Years Eve the next day? Did you apologize to your boyfriend for getting that drunk and ask him not to be mad at your best friend? Or did you just let him fume about her to you and not say a word? By not saying anything, I think you may make the situation between them worse. The best solution is to stop doing things that annoy your boyfriend when your best friend is around, because he will automatically assume that she put you up to it, when really it was your choice in the first place.
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